Things I Have Heard Instructors Say
by
Larry "Harris" Taylor, Ph.D.
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When I became a scuba instructor (1980), the typical instructor candidate (in addition to First Aid, CPR, and Senior Lifesaving credentials) had three years of diving experience and a minimum of 150 dives in a variety of diving environments. After becoming an instructor, I could have received another agency instructor rating for $25 through the mail (no exam or in-water evaluation.) Sadly the requirements for instructor (in terms of in-water skill and diving knowledge) have continually been degraded to the point that in my opinion, many basic divers from the 70's-80's were more knowledgeable and in-water skilled than some of today's newly certified instructors. (In some places you can become a Master Instructor in 28 days and can go from having no ice dives to an ice diving instructor in a weekend). So, as a believer in Iceberg Theory of Teaching (you can only teach a portion of knowledge/skill that is known to you), this degradation of instructor and diver training requirements has degraded the quality, in my opinion, of the diving community. To support my opinion:
I have heard certified instructors in all seriousness say these absurdities to their students or audiences:
"Do not spit in your mask. 'cause if you do, you will get AIDS."
"Human saliva turns clear silicon masks black."
"Urinating in a wet suit will keep you warm."
"The AGENCY X dive planning device has eliminated all risks from diving."
"AGENCY X would not sell something that was not perfect!"
"Cold water does not change decompression risk."
"If you hang your computer at 10 feet between dives, you can get more bottom time on the next dive."
"We do NOT discuss abnormal physiology in here."
(response to a young woman's question about diving during menstruation.)
"Its OK to dive with a cold, just stay shallow."
(Boyle's Law curve shows greatest risk to barotrauma is from the surface to 12 fsw.)
"If you have asthma, its OK to dive ... just stay shallow."
"You cannot get the bends if you use BRAND X dive computer."
"Taking 10 aspirins before a dive will prevent the bends."
"Smoking before a dive will relax you and increase your bottom time."
"Diving accidents are rare, so there is no need to take First Aid or CPR classes."
"I see you have an oxygen and a first aid kit. Please cover them up. Never bring them to one of our club dives again. We have novices here and we do not want them to think there is any chance they could get hurt on one of our dives."
"Using a demand oxygen device is too complex a task for divers to learn."
"You need valves on a snorkel to keep it dry 'cause it too difficult to clear a snorkel."
"You need to buy a second stage (octopus or safe second) 'cause buddy breathing is too complex a task to learn."
"Demand Oxygen systems for first aid are too complex for divers to use ... use constant flow."
"If you have trouble descending, put an extra 10-20 pounds on your weight belt."
"Nitrox will make her horny!"
"If you dive Nitrox, you cannot be treated in a chamber in the event of a diving accident."
"If you dive with Nitrox, you cannot get the Bends."
"If you dive with Nitrox, you cannot suffer Nitrogen Narcosis."
"Only stupid people get bent."
"Women are too fragile and too emotional to be good divers."
"The primary purpose of a women diver is to bring good sandwiches to the dive site to share."
"All piston regulators are inferior!"
"It is impossible to get carbon monoxide poisoning if you use an electric motor on your compressor."
"You do not need to be able to swim 'cause we will sell you enough equipment to dive."
"You are a natural, you should consider our instructor training program (said on first pool session)."
"The most lucrative thing I do is instructor training: they give me money, I give them nothing, and I get free labor to boot."
"I am in the business of selling c-cards, not educating divers."
"He paid his money and bought a lot of equipment. I do not care if he cannot dive. Certify him!"
"I save money by using a sanitary napkin as an air compressor filter ... no need for those expensive manufacturer's oil filters."
The points of this comments are:
1. No one person can know all things about all topics, so
2. If you do not know a specific fact, the appropriate answer is "I do not know, but I will find out for you." (I believe one mark of a true professional is an appreciation for what is not known and the willingness to admit to this human trait.)
3. Absurd or incorrect statements will cost respect, which is one of your most valuable commodities. Lost respect may directly translate to lost business.
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About
The Author:
Larry "Harris" Taylor, Ph.D. is a biochemist and Diving Safety Coordinator at the University of Michigan. He has authored more than 200 scuba related articles. His personal dive library (See Alert Diver, Mar/Apr, 1997, p. 54) is considered one of the best recreational sources of information In North America.
All rights reserved.
Use of these articles for personal or organizational profit is specifically denied.
These articles may be used for not-for-profit diving education