Discworld, year nine, day 296 continued

	There is the faintest breath of hope stirring within me, but I am
afraid to dwell on it, for fear that it will dissipate under such
scrutiny.  If only it is possible...  It would end so much pain, and
prevent much needless suffering...  No more blood would be shed over this. 
But I fear that it will not come to pass.  For it would be a second
chance, and right now I do not think that I deserve one.

The Paths of the Dead

Night

	My head throbs so much right now, that I almost wish I was dead. 
I suppose I'm in a good place for it, then.  It hurts even more when I
close my eyes, but there's nothing I can do about it.  Any medication I
could take for it will hurt the baby.  I just wish it would go away.  I
wish Riftvan would make it go away.  Insufferable, arrogant bastard that
he is.  I should have slapped him harder.

Vetchways, year nine, day 297 (Saturday, June 24)

Morning

	I still can't believe that it is finally over.  It was so odd, to
be merged with Looks Twice in that manner.  I never realized how strange
the mind of a centaur is, when compared with the human minds that I am
used to.  And the healing he did was truly magic.  Nothing at all like
what I do.  I don't pretend to understand all of what was done.  I
probably never will.  I just remember Uma's soul slowly sinking into her
chest.  There was a long moment, before she took her first breath, when I
feared that we had failed.  Then her chest rose and fell, and mine did as
well.  I wonder how long I was holding my breath?  I became aware of
Riftvan's hand on my shoulder shortly after that, and I felt no more anger
towards him.  Maybe I'm just too tired, but it suddenly seemed so silly to
be fighting with him.  The King looked so happy to have his daughter back. 
I was so grateful that we had succeeded, that I almost forgot about the
curse completely, until Caolan stopped me from leaving and motioned me to
him.  He removed his curse with almost the same words he used to place it,
and everything just rushed out of me in relief.  I don't know how I
remained standing.  I think I was leaning on Riftvan at this point, but I
no longer recall.  I remember thanking everyone for their help, and I was
trying to reach Shard, when suddenly Riftvan had picked me up and we were
moving through Shadow.  He used the Logrus, I recognized the smell almost
immediately.  I don't know why he didn't just Trump us home.  He hardly
ever uses the Logrus for transport when I'm with him.  I must be getting
used to it, though, since I didn't throw up this time.  Maybe I was just
too exhausted to.  I think I fell asleep on the way home, for it seemed
like one minute we were leaving Dexter, and the next he was tucking me
into bed.  I really should check on the children before I go to sleep. 
Maybe in a minute or two.  It's so comfortable here.

Evening

	I can't believe I slept for so long!  I'm starving.  My stomach
should have woken me before this.  I see Riftvan's hand in that.  I don't
see why he bothered.  I was asleep anyway, almost as soon as my head
touched the pillow.  Where is he, anyway?

	I told Ahab that things had been resolved, although I didn't go
into details, yet.  It is still just a little too fresh in my mind to talk
about.  I suspect he will be disappointed that I simply exchanged
apologies with the King at the end.  He probably thinks I should have
requested more before settling the matter.  But there would have been no
point.  He removed the curse, and admitted he made a mistake, just as I
had.  I do not believe there was any harm to the baby.  There is still
what he did to Beauty, of course, but he will have to face her and
Lavender over that matter.  And I suspect he will be feeling somewhat
ashamed of what he did by then.  If only he could have undone that curse
as he undid mine.  I should probably hate him for what he did.  I guess,
in the end, I emphasized too much with him to truly hate him.  I remember
how I felt about the Hendrakes after they nearly killed Morgan.  I did not
go to the extreme that he did, but I hated them well and truly until that
final battle scarcely two months ago, when I slaughtered so many of them. 
I used up all my hate in that battle, and when it was over, I was
surprised at how much room that hate had taken up in me, how much it had
influenced me, without my even realizing it.  Perhaps Caolan now realizes
the same thing.  I hope so.  Strange as it may seem, I wish him and Uma
well.  It is a shame we are not likely to see each other, again.  I should
like to know how things go with them.

	I probably let the children stay up later than I should have, but
they were having so much fun, and it felt so good to have the whole family
there, especially after all that's happened.  I feared for a while that I
might never see them again.  That I might have to leave them...  Thank the
gods that wasn't necessary.  Right now, I just want to be with my family
for as long as I can.  If only Riftvan didn't have to leave tomorrow.  I
know he must go after Dara, but I don't have to like it.  Knowing that
there is no one else does not make it any easier.  I hate it when he
leaves, especially when it's to do something so dangerous as this.  He
said I had filed down his edge.  For once, I hope that I did not file it
down too far.  I'm afraid that when he leaves tomorrow, I will never see
him again.  I wish there was someone else who could go.

Amber, year nine, day 298 (Sunday, June 25)

Morning

	Nicholas seemed rather upset this morning, and I can guess why.  I
do hope Beauty is not with child.  She is barely more than a child
herself.  It would be difficult for anyone to bear a child born of such
circumstances.  And Nicholas feels badly enough about what happened,
without the additional guilt of having gotten Beauty pregnant.  At least
our lesson seemed to provide him with some small outlet for his
frustrations.  And mine, at knowing that Riftvan will be gone when I
return.

	Laughter had her child without difficulty.  We couldn't talk long,
due to the disparity in the time flows, but I gathered that the birth went
much easier than Haris'.  I find it somewhat amusing that she now has two
children, while mine has yet to be born.  I suppose I could do as she has
done, but I trust no Shadow while Dara is free.  And I don't think Riftvan
could sit idle for that much time, especially now.  Besides, I don't wish
to leave the children for six months, and I don't want to uproot them for
that time span, either, especially not so soon after our move from Amber. 
Children need stability in their lives.  So I guess I shall just have to
live with having this child at a normal pace.  I hope Riftvan is back by
then.  Surely this won't take longer than six months.  Or so I pray.

Afternoon

	I've never been to a coronation, so I don't have anything to
compare Ahab's to, but it seemed to go rather well.  The only surprise was
Brand's attendance.  He seemed in rather a cheerful mood, no doubt helped
by the nervous reaction he provoked in Felix.  As if he would do anything
on such a public occasion as this.  I am sure that he and Ahab will have
much to discuss, indeed.

Amber, year nine, day 299 (Monday, June 26)

Morning

	Tamaryn seems to be doing well.  I guess that she and Felix have
worked out their differences, to some extent.  At least she seems far
happier now than she was when last we spoke.  Ahab has granted her some
land, and she is building a new home.  Near a forest, of course.  I knew
she would want to be near trees.  She reminds me of Lavender, in that
respect.  If only I had her optimism...  It must come from her mother.  I
wish I could have known her.  Which is why I want to regain some of my
memories of her life, I suppose.  It is the only way I have to know her,
and to resolve how I feel about all of this.  There are times when she
seems like a complete stranger, and others when I feel that we are the
same.  It is an odd feeling.  It is much like how I look at Tamaryn some
times, and can't decide if she's my daughter, my friend, or both.

Evening

	Shard seems to have suffered no ill effects from being left so
abruptly at the Paths of the Dead, but his journey down the Paths was far
more arduous than I had expected, if that brief glimpse I caught from him
was any indication.  It would seem that we are linked far more closely
than I suspected.  He says that he must always focus on not reading my
thoughts, or sharing his thoughts with me.  So far, the fact that I am no
longer feeding him does not seem to have affected the strength of that
link, nor the desire I feel towards him.  It seems likely that the link,
at least, will never lapse, so long as he has part of my soul.  And the
desire?  That began with my feeding him, so I still have hopes that it
will eventually diminish.  I wonder if Shard still feels the same thing? 
I am certain he did at one point.  Fortunately, he seems no more eager to
give in to those feelings than I.

Amber, year nine, day 300 (Tuesday, June 27)

Morning

	I must admit, I am enjoying the turn the morning workouts with
Nicholas have taken, even if I deplore the reasons behind it.  He had been
in the habit of going a bit easy on me, I think, but in his current mood
that is no longer the case.  Which I tend to prefer, anyway.  I learn more
this way.  So long as the child is not endangered, I rather hope we
continue to go on in this manner.  At least until the child grows so large
that I must cut back on such activities.  I wonder if Usires even knows of
my pregnancy?  If not, will it disturb him to have been sparring with a
pregnant women?  He does have funny ideas about women sometimes, more so
than even Felix does.  Something certainly seems to be troubling him of
late.  He has missed our recent sparring sessions, and looked rather
unhappy when I saw him.  More troubles with his home Shadow, perhaps?

Vetchways

Afternoon

	Mother seems to have every intention of staying with me until
Riftvan returns.  I wonder what he said to persuade her to do so?  I'm
just glad that he did.  It is a little less lonely with her here.  And I
can receive more instruction in conjuration from her.  I feel badly for
keeping her away from Amber, though.  And I am concerned that she seems to
be slowly returning to her somewhat crazy ways of old.  I guess it was too
much to hope that even Oberon would be able to affect more than a
temporary cure.  But she seems happy, and I suppose that is what's
important in the end.  I just hope she did not become pregnant on the one
night she and Fenar spent together.  If she is becoming more unstable,
then she may not be capable of caring for a child, and I certainly don't
want to turn a sibling of mine over to Fenar's care.  There's nothing I
can do right now, though, but wait and see.

Foil, year nine, day 301 (Wednesday, June 28)

Morning

	Beauty is pregnant.  Whether this was simply due to bad luck, or
was an aspect of the curse is not clear.  Nor does it really matter, in
the end.  I feel so badly about all of this.  I should have resolved
things with Caolan, before matters reached this point.  Look at the mess
that has resulted from my inaction.  I wish there was something I could do
to help.  Nicholas and Beauty deserved better than this.

Vetchways

Evening

	In the end, it is the nights that are always the hardest.  During
the day, there are the children, and Mother, and my sparring, and my
studying, to occupy my time.  But at night...  At night there is just the
silence, and the empty space beside me, and the dreams.  I often lie awake
and wonder where he is, and how he is.  At least I know that I am with
him, in a sense.  It does little to lesson my worry, however.

Amber, year nine, day 302 (Thursday, June 29)

Morning

	I spoke with Meander about learning healing magic.  Real healing
magic, that is.  He suggested Looks Twice as an instructor. 
Unfortunately, Looks Twice has returned to the Disc, so I will need to
seek Bartholomew's assistance in contacting him.  Meander could do it, of
course, but given the roughness of the ride the last time, I'd rather seek
other, gentler means.  Perhaps I would not be so wary were I not carrying
this child, but I do not want to risk losing her if I can help it.

Vetchways

Afternoon

	Ahab arrives today, and I pray that all is in readiness.  All the
rooms he is likely to visit are spotless, and the staff is prepared.  At
least to the best of my ability.  I know he is only visiting me, but I
would rather the house put forth its best impression on this occasion.  I
wish Riftvan was here.  I've never been good at this sort of thing.  Thank
the gods that Ahab is an old friend, so the formalities should be brief.

Evening

	I think that went well.  No obvious missteps that I'm aware of,
and the children behaved well at dinner.  Ahab seemed impressed by the
different Shadows attached to the Ways.  I admit, they are my favorite
part of it.  I hope he didn't think Riftvan's absence was anything
personal.  It's not like I could explain where he is.  It was nice to not
feel the old tension with Kimdyl today.  Maybe this peace between us will
last.