Amber, year four, day 107 continued

Ahab has decided not to kill Riftvan. I should be happy. But instead I feel more alone than I ever have. They apparently spent part of their conversation mocking me. It seems I'm a joke even to those who know me well. What's the point in going on? For the first time, I truly understand why Mother left me in Shadow. She should have just killed me and spared everyone the trouble. I cannot endure this any more.

He's alive! Praise all the gods, he's alive! No wonder Riftvan didn't seem upset about Morgan's death. Everything I went through, all the pain I've suffered, and he knew! I almost killed myself, and it would have been for nothing! I understand why Riftvan did what he did. If anyone was watching, I'm sure I was convincing. But I can't go back to that pain again. If Vialle hadn't come by when she did... Where did Riftvan leave Morgan? Who's taking care of him? How old is he by now? Gods, more than anything, I want to hold him in my arms again.

Riftvan can take me to Morgan once he recovers, but we'll be there for quite a while from our perspective. Riftvan says it could be as long as a century. I'm having trouble even conceiving of that length of time. How do you visualize a time span twice as long as you've been alive? I didn't think this would bother me as much as it does. I've only known about Amber for three years, and only actually spent a year here. But I'll miss everyone. Even if I'm not too fond of some of them at the moment. It doesn't help that I can't even bring Kira and my guards with me. Since I left home, they've been the only constant in my life. The one thing I could always count on was their presence. How can I leave them behind? Why do I have to give up everything important in my life? My friends, my family, my home, even my body... It feels like I'm losing my soul in the process as well. Maybe I am. I wish there was another way. But I have no choice. The only way I'll ever see Morgan again is if I leave. And I can't lose him again. That would kill me just as surely as any sword.

Riftvan no longer thinks we should be married. It puts Morgan at too much risk. I don't know how to feel. He's right, of course. Once the marriage was known, the Hendrakes couldn't fail to guess that Morgan is still alive. And Riftvan was only marrying me to make Morgan his heir. But still... Part of me feels rejected anyway. Foolish as that may sound.

I don't think Michael was too happy about my request, but I can't bear to eat with the rest of the family. Knowing that I'll be leaving soon, and for so long, I'm not sure I could pull it off. And I don't want to risk giving away that Morgan is still alive.

I took Jalana back from Kira after dinner. I've been neglecting her since Morgan was lost, and I feel terribly about it. Kira was in a foul mood. Not that I can blame her. But Riftvan still isn't in any shape to help her. I wish there was something I could do.

Amber, year four, day 108 (Tuesday, December 27, 2989)

Morning

I slept somewhat better last night. I still cried myself to sleep, but the nightmares were fewer. And different. The prospect of leaving is definitely making me nervous. Much to my surprise, Riftvan was standing by the window when I woke up. He's obviously much improved since yesterday. With his wounds, I was expecting him to be bedridden for a little while longer. He wants to take me to Morgan. Now. Gods, this is too soon. I thought I'd have a few more days, at least. But I also want to see Morgan as soon as possible. Unfortunately, Riftvan doesn't have the strength to both shape me and return Kira to her natural form. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be separated from Morgan any longer than I have to be. But I can't just leave her like that. Riftvan doesn't seem to understand why. He's been a shapeshifter for so long, I doubt he'd understand. He promised to return when he's stronger and help Kira, and he says it shouldn't be more than a few hours from her point of view. It's the best compromise I can think of. But I still feel bad about leaving her this way.

The shaping was...uncomfortable. Not exactly painful, but almost. That was probably partly my doing. Riftvan said it would hurt if I resisted, and I tried not to but... It's tough not to resist something that you don't want to do. It got easier once I started trying to observe the process more clinically. The whole thing took half an hour, and when it was done... Well, I'm four inches taller, but much thinner. I could barely recognize myself in the mirror. It's like looking at a stranger. Like I'm trapped in someone else's body. Even my voice sounds strange. All I have left is my mind. I feel so awkward. I definitely understand why Kira had so much trouble. I'm also noticeably weaker. I guess I was expecting most of this, based on what I've observed with Riftvan. But I feel much more vulnerable like this, and I don't like it at all. Worst of all, the Pattern is gone. Like it was never there. I don't understand how this could be. How could it be removed?

Faerie

Afternoon

Riftvan didn't give me much time to recover. Before I really knew what was happening, we were gone. I wish I'd been able to say goodbye to Kira. But at the time, all I cared about was seeing Morgan again. Until I actually saw him, there was a small part of my mind that couldn't quite believe he was alive. When I finally held him once more, it was one of the happiest moments in my life. Gods, I still can't believe I have him back. It's a miracle.

He lied to me. That bastard! Sand seems perfectly sane to me. From the sound of it, she has Delwin again. Apparently she had to take him from Caine and Julian. When did they get involved in this? Last I heard, Delwin was with Alex. Where is she holding Delwin? Here? Gods, I hope not. His presence would attract too much attention. Riftvan said she double-crossed him. And she's trying to kill Random! How can he still be working with her?

He left me alone in the nursery. I don't think I've ever felt so angry and happy at the same time. I have my son back. That's more important to me than anything else. And I owe that to Riftvan. But he lied to me. And I don't understand why. What purpose did it serve to say Sand was insane when she wasn't? It would have made no difference to me at the time. This doesn't make any sense. Why would he choose to lie about something so ultimately unimportant?

I found them again in the garden. Naturally, they stopped talking as soon as they spotted me. I heard them say something about the children though. If Riftvan thinks I'm going to let that woman anywhere near our children... Look at what she did to Foster. And her own brother. I wonder if she isn't insane after all? Even Mother was capable of seeming perfectly sane at times. Naturally Riftvan won't tell me what they're planning. He says I might get clever and escape. Am I a prisoner here, then? I guess I am, regardless of whether I can figure out a way to leave or not. I won't leave the twins behind, and I sentence them to death if I leave with them. So I have no choice but to remain here. It's the reason I agreed to come with him in the first place. And he knows that, damn him! So why is he doing this?

He didn't tell me much about this form that I hadn't guessed already. I can't figure out why he prefers using a faerie form so much. It's weaker than my own, and it has several inherent disadvantages. So what are the advantages? The magic? One doesn't have to be a faerie to learn that. He wouldn't tell me, of course. He wouldn't tell me much of anything. I did learn that I'm apparently his consort here. Eral only knows what that implies in this society.

Well fuck him, anyway! How was I supposed to know that Oberon is the name of their King here? He knew damn well what I would assume when he said that! If I hadn't been holding the twins... Hell, I probably would have fallen over, anyway. I hate this damn form! And these damn long skirts! Well, at least I can do something about the latter. I can probably use the excess material to make a sling for the twins. My arms are getting tired holding them. But I won't leave them alone here. Especially not with Sand running around.

My Trumps are gone. I must have left them in my old clothes when I changed. I was in such a hurry to see Morgan, I completely forgot. I'm sure I can't use them here anyway, but I want them back. The only question is, will Riftvan give them to me?

The walk is helping somewhat. Although I still feel like I'm being watched, at least I don't have to see anyone else. And the weather is lovely. It feels like summer. A definite improvement over the cold winter I left behind. I can almost pretend I'm in Arden. Almost. Except for every time that I stumble because my legs that are too long. At least the walk is helping me adapt to this form. But I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

He was right about the water. Damn. I wasn't stupid enough to go in, but just standing near the bank made me feel uneasy. And I've been swimming for almost as long as I've been walking. I hate this! Is there nothing good about this form?

Late afternoon

I left in such a hurry, I completely forgot to bring diapers for the twins. Now they're both wet, and I don't have anything to use as a replacement. Maybe I could use some more of this skirt? Damn Riftvan for leaving me here. I knew it would be strange, but I didn't think he was going to abandon me as soon as we got here. And I definitely wasn't expecting Sand. Although in hindsight, I should have been. When you get right down to it, that's the only thing he didn't tell me. He warned me about the rest of it. So why am I so angry? Because he's making me that way. He's deliberately provoking me. And few people can get to me the way he can. Why does he want to hurt me that way? Or is this just more of his attempts to keep me from losing myself?

I was right about my being watched. Riftvan arrived on the scene, complete with diapers. He's definitely enjoying this too much. Then he has the gall to tell me I need to watch my temper. Hah! If I wasn't in control of it, I would have hit him by now. But, other than the momentary satisfaction, that won't accomplish anything. Not unless I'm willing to finish him. And I'm not. I'm angry with him, but I don't hate him. And I can hardly go hitting people whenever they piss me off. At least not people I care about. I wouldn't put up with it from him, and I doubt he'd put up with it from me for long. He obviously hasn't forgotten the one time I did strike him. Hell, Mother killed my father for that sort of thing. I guess I've got his temper. But I intend to do a better job of controlling it than he did.

It seems my current mode of dress caused quite a few comments. I still really don't care. It's bad enough that this form is worse than my own for strength, and possibly staying power, but to have to walk around in those skirts all the time... They make it much more difficult to maneuver. Riftvan says the women here aren't expected to fight. From the sound of it, Faerie is as bad as the South. Or Begma. I know I had to endure worse dress codes when I was in Shadow. But I didn't like it. Besides, it was for a relatively short time. Not decades. But I don't have much of a choice. I've calmed down enough to see that now. If not for myself, I have to do it for the twins. The reason I do everything, nowadays. But I won't give up my workouts. Or carrying Alastor. Maybe Riftvan feels safe here, but after what happened to Morgan, I'll never feel safe again.

He's willing to return my Trumps. He also said I can leave if I must, but the twins have to stay here. Apparently he's not certain that even Jalana is safe anymore. Like I said before, I won't leave them. But I'm surprised that he's willing to let me go, even though I've seen this place now. I asked if he'd try to remove the information from my mind, but he said I've convinced him not to do that to me anymore. Maybe there's some hope, after all.

I think I may have misinterpreted what Riftvan originally told me about Sand. From talking to him, it sounds like he wasn't commenting on her overall sanity. Rather, he was referring to her actions in imprisoning her own brother. And to be honest, I don't think she's sane anyway. Of course, he could be lying to me. But it fits the way he thinks. And I want to believe him. He didn't have to bring me here. He could have just taken Jalana and left me. And he's willing to go back for Kira. I even convinced him to ask before shaping her, although he didn't understand why that was necessary. He doesn't seem to view Shadow folk as important. I suppose if I'd been raised in Amber or the Courts I'd feel the same. But I grew up in Shadow, and I just can't treat the people there that way. Especially not someone who's been with me for so long. Kira deserves better than that. The trick is going to be getting her to hold off long enough to listen to Riftvan. Maybe it would help if I gave him a note for her.

It seems obvious from their ears that the twins actually have some faerie blood in them. I thought that perhaps Riftvan's true form did as well. How else would it have been passed down to them? Well, I was wrong. Apparently he made love to me as Riftvan even when we were in Maui. I knew glamours could disguise appearance, but I didn't think they worked that well. Riftvan thinks the blood will help them somehow. I hope he's right. But have they inherited the weaknesses of the blood as well?

Now I finally understand what the Pattern meant. If Riftvan was doing all of this, then he has to have figured there was a chance that I might conceive. Although he claims he wasn't expecting it. I guess neither of us counted on the Pattern's interference. But the fact that it wasn't an accident is important to me. He wanted us to have children. I'd always assumed that it was something he wouldn't have chosen if it were up to him. And he finally admitted that he cares for me. I wasn't sure I'd ever hear him say that. I've always felt that he must, but it's nice to actually hear it. It makes dealing with all of this a little easier. And he's right, he always has made it up to me before. But I still wish I knew why he's dealing with Sand.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on August 18, 1998 by Kris Fazzari.