Vetchways, year 27, day 256 (Thursday, December 29, 4)

Afternoon

I spoke too soon, it seems, with regard to the scrying pool. Things are running fast enough here, when compared to Amber, that all the pool can show me are images. Some of them are rather amusing, though. It looks like Tamaryn managed to get most of the family, before Benedict started chasing her. The whole family, done up as faeries. I have to admit, it does look rather amusing.

Vetchways, year 27, day 257 (Thursday, December 29, 4)

Morning

Solid food at last! I never thought that eating could be such a wonderful thing. Then again, I've never been on an I.V. for any length of time before. I'm so hungry! I wish I had the energy to eat faster. It's funny how the simple act of eating can be so draining. Lucien says that will get better, though, as I'm able to get more food into me, since it will help fuel my shapeshifting. So, the more I can eat, the faster I'll heal. Sounds good to me.

So Gavin wasn't involved with Lasker after all. Lucien thinks he's actually a target. I wonder if that's why he was trying to Trump me? He really does seem to have the worst luck of anyone I've ever met. I suppose it's fortunate that Tamaryn chose to turn the family into faeries, even if most of them would disagree. At least while Gavin is a faerie, Lasker won't be able to find him. Still I wish Lucien was ready to go after Lasker now. It's strange to feel upset over the fact that Lucien has a few more things to wrap up before he's ready to go kill someone. But given all the trouble that Lasker has caused... Not to mention the fact that he's looking for me, to feed off of me, or worse. When it comes right down to it, I'll be happy when I know he's gone. Him and Sand. Even Vincent isn't sure where she might be. Lucien suggested that maybe her ghost has finally gone on, but I don't think he really believes this. It seems too good to be true. I mean, it would be the perfect ending. Vincent free of her, and no one else to suffer from her possession. I just wish I could believe it.

Afternoon

I feel strong enough to draw now, so I've requested some pencils and paper from Millicent. Maybe drawing some of the scenes I'm seeing in the scrying pool will keep me from fretting about where Sand has gone...wondering if she's in the baby. I have to do something.

Vetchways, year 27, day 258 (Thursday, December 29, 4)

Morning

Millicent says that since I seem to be doing so well, Lucien has increased the time flow again in this part of the Ways. I suppose he feels he doesn't need to look in on me as often now that I'm on the road to recovery. He promised to come by every two days, though. I wonder how often that is for him? And how he keeps track? Actually, the oddest thing is that he can speed up this part of the Ways. I thought that altering time could only be done by Pattern or Logrus, and Lucien's skill with the Logrus simply isn't that great. Not that I told Millicent this. Lucien once said that he had to reclaim his Ways, back when we first lived in Chaos. Just what is the connection between a ways and their maker? I'll have to remember to ask Lucien about that, on one of his visits...when Millicent isn't around.

Evening

I have to admit, I'm enjoying the scrying pool, even if I can only get still scenes. Poor Felix. I think he's going to feel pretty awful when he gets back to normal.

Vetchways, year 27, day 259 (Thursday, December 29, 4)

Morning

I walked! OK, it was with Millicent's help, and kind of shaky at first, but I walked! Gods, it's good to be out of bed. I feel almost human again. If only I didn't tire so quickly.

Afternoon

Lucien seemed pleased to see that I'm walking, if a bit slowly. At this rate, he thinks I might be recovered enough to go home in less than a week. Gods, wouldn't that be wonderful?

Evening

How, in Eral's name, did Alexandra wind up in that situation? And I thought Felix was going to feel embarrassed when he becomes human again. Maddy will probably want to sink into the floor. I doubt Ishmael will be bothered, though. He's never been particularly modest, and besides, he's been pretty angry with Alexandra ever since we were captured by Finndo. Still, I hope they don't leave her there like that for long. Gods, it's rather frustrating not to be able to do anything about what I'm seeing.

Vetchways, year 27, day 260 (Thursday, December 29, 4)

Morning

There's actually a hot springs next door. That's the last thing I was expecting. Millicent says it's so I can exercise without putting too much strain on myself. Which makes perfect sense. It's just rather surprising to find a hot spring right outside of your bedroom. I wonder, did Lucien have to set that up after I was injured, or did he already have this prepared in case of an emergency? I don't suppose it matters. The water feels wonderful, however it got here.

Evening

Benedict's finally caught up with Tamaryn. Too bad I can't tell what he's saying to her. He has that look, though. It's a lot like the look he had when he was lecturing the children after they walked the Pattern. Poor Tamaryn. She's going to be living this down for quite some time.

Vetchways, year 27, day 262 (Thursday, December 29, 4)

Evening

Ishmael finally got around to freeing Alexandra. Well, I suppose it wasn't that long for him. He seems to be human again, so I guess Tamaryn's started changing everyone back. Pity they didn't decide to go after Lasker and his vampires first. Then again, it's hard to get faeries to take anything seriously for long.

Vetchways, year 27, day 264 (Thursday, December 29, 4)

Afternoon

My, that felt wonderful. I was afraid Lucien might think I wasn't strong enough, but I felt ready, and thankfully, he required little persuading. The water only made it better. In some ways, I was reminded of the first night we spent together, on the beach near Rebma. That was such a wonderful night. I feel almost giddy now. I'm sure some of it is just relief that I feel almost normal again. The past few weeks have been difficult, being so weak. Some of the scenes I observed in the scrying pool didn't help matters much, either...faeries can be such amorous creatures. It's rather frustrating to feel aroused and know you can't do anything about.

I don't know why Lucien thought that would bother me. I mean, really, so what if his Ways are a blood creature of sorts? It actually makes more sense than the alternative. The way they can shift and change the way they do...it's only logical that they be alive. I wish I could explain to Lucien why that doesn't bother me, but the thought of his head being cut off does. I know, logically, that he can survive that, but even so, my heart still aches to think about it happening. It's like I told him, things that I have no preconceptions about are easy to handle. It's the things that defy my preconceptions that I have difficulty with...even if they defy my preconceptions in a good way. You know...if he could regrow his entire body from his head, or his head from his body, then if he did both, would there be two of him? Why not? There were two of him for a while, one here, and one in Amber. Gods, I wonder, as long as some small piece of him remains, can he ever really die? Of course, even if that's true, it only counts so long as he can shapeshift, and I've seem him nearly die twice when something prevented it. Still, if that's his only weakness, maybe I don't need to worry so much about him dying on me, after all. Now if only the same was true of our children.

Vetchways, year 27, day 266 (Thursday, December 29, 4)

Morning

It's good to be home. Wonderful, in fact. I was so happy to see the children again, I almost cried. Wouldn't that have been hard to explain? As far as they know, I just haven't been feeling well for a couple of days. It feels so strange to feel like this...so happy. It's just wonderful to be alive, right now.

Jesbyways

Afternoon

The Faerie Ward that Whimsy absorbed is having a most unexpected effect on her, one I am at quite a loss to explain. It is changing her...inside. On the surface, she is still an Amberite, but her reproductive organs, at least, are becoming...faerie. It seems almost a contradiction. If the Faerie Ward repels all things faerie, then why would she be adapting to it by becoming more faerie than she was before? If I had not seen it myself, I would have guessed that such a change would kill her, or at least cause her to become ill, but it has not. Which makes me wonder if perhaps she has become a different kind of faerie than has ever been seen before...one which is immune to the Ward's effects. Which would have significant implications for her children. I believe they will be faerie, once the process is complete. She should have the sporadic faerie fertility, and the double ovulation that often accompanies it. Not always, though. Tamaryn was an only child, after all. Still, if the children are faerie, the Ward will either kill them before they come to term, or they will be born with an immunity to it. I can see no other possible outcomes. For Whimsy's sake I hope it is the latter. Otherwise, she cannot hope to fulfill her agreement with Edwin's mother. Although, once the faeries learn that Whimsy's children are immune to the Wards, I fear they will try to steal them for breeding purposes. So Whimsy faces either miscarrying every pregnancy, or bearing her children only to lose them. Either outcome would crush me, but Whimsy...seemed unconcerned. Her primary concern, in fact, seemed to be convincing Lady Jesby that she is fertile, so she can fulfill her bargain. I suppose it won't matter to her if the child is stolen after it's birth, since her agreement only required that she bear it. Maybe I'm being too cynical regarding her true feelings on the matter, though. I know she grieved for the child she lost. Despite her apparent indifference to the idea of more children, would she truly feel nothing once the child is in her arms? I don't know. I just hope things work out the way that she wishes them to, whatever that actually is.

Evening

At least Lucien doesn't think that contacting Brand is a bad idea. Even if I couldn't see how it would hurt, the thought still made me nervous. Then again, that's hardly surprising given our history...which is why I asked Lucien if he thought it would be a mistake. But it seems my logic is sound. Brand is the other Avatar of Trump, after all. Even if Vincent doesn't know what happened to Sand, maybe he does.

Vetchways, year 27, day 267 (Friday, December 30, 4)

Morning

Lasker is dead. I feel such an overwhelming sense of relief. I hadn't realized how much the matter was weighing on me until I heard the news. I guess I had managed to push the matter to the back of my mind, but it was always there, the knowledge that I could not leave the Ways without risking falling into his hands. But now I'm free, free to return to Amber, if I like. I must remember to thank Lucien for dealing with him. Even if he didn't tell me when he was leaving to do so. I suppose he just thought it would make me worry.

It wasn't Lucien after all. Then who? Why didn't Random's note identify him? Or her? Was it Shard? Gavin? Who else was going after him? I wish I knew who it was, just so I could thank them. I still can hardly believe that he's finally gone. Maybe Tamaryn knows. I should call her anyway, just to see how she's handling the aftermath of her little...escapade.

It was Felix. Felix! I never even considered that it might be him. Not that he wouldn't want to, but...Felix is usually so non-confrontational. I guess he's not when he's a faerie. From the sound of it, he's lucky things worked out the way they did. What if Lasker had killed him before he managed to get to the desert? We might never have known what happened to him.

Afternoon

You'd think, after all of this time, that I could face Brand without feeling so...tense. Strained. Uncomfortable. It's been so long since...what he did to me. And he's such a different person now. I know that. I know that. And yet...speaking to him is still hard, sometimes. The beard helps. It makes him look different from the man who raped me, enough so that sometimes I almost forget he's the same person. But then a memory slams into my mind, of his face hovering over mine, of his hands touching my body...and then I have to strain to keep from recoiling away from him, to keep the fear out of my eyes. I don't think I'm always successful. It's obvious from how he behaves around me that he knows speaking to him can be difficult for me...the way he warned me that he would have to touch me to check for Sand's presence. The way he held his hand out for me to take, rather than taking mine. The way he didn't linger after we were finished. I want to assure him that I don't blame him for he did before, that I know he doesn't remember, that he's different. And that's all true but...still the memories haunt me. I guess I should be thankful that he doesn't remember as well. How much harder would it be to face him knowing that he remembered too?

At least I now know that Sand isn't lurking in my mind, somewhere. So, whatever the reason for my slow healing, it isn't because of her. At least not directly. I'm beginning to suspect it's something she did at the time when I was shot. She knew after the first two shots that I was a shapeshifter, after all. Maybe she decided to make sure that didn't save me the third time. Maybe she was able to program my mind to not use my shapeshifting. She was able to influence what I saw and heard and felt in the castle, so that implies she was able to control my mind, to some extent. Maybe she did the same at the Fount. I guess she couldn't stop my shapeshifting completely, or I would have died, but maybe it was enough to inhibit it. It's the most likely explanation I can think of, right now. I just wish I could be certain it was the right one. I'm sure Lucien would say that I've recovered, and my shapeshifting is back to normal, so it really doesn't matter why she did it. But I'd feel better if it wasn't some mysterious unknown.

In some ways, it almost would have been easier if Brand had detected Sand in my mind. At least then I'd know she hadn't taken over the baby. My poor, innocent child. Gods, what will I do if she is inside of him? Brand doesn't want to risk checking until he's six months along. At that point, I'll be able to feel him move...sense his mind. I'm not even sure I could bring myself to kill him now, even if Sand has possessed him. By then...it will be too late. Gods, I hope Brand finds her in the Fount. Or that Meander finds her in Amber. Anything other than finding her in my baby.

Felix seems to have recovered from whatever Lasker did to him. I'm sure Tamaryn saw to that. Pity he didn't manage to take out any of the other vampires, but I'm happy to settle for Lasker. More than happy. Felix really was lucky, though. It doesn't sound like he had any sort of a plan beyond leaving Lasker in the 'Tween to starve to death. I can see how that would appeal to a faerie. Of course, faeries usually steer well clear of vampires...for good reason. I learned the hard way how badly a faerie body stands up to a vampire's speed and strength. Just because they can't see you, doesn't mean they can't hit you. I guess Felix found that out as well.

I wonder who will be put in charge of getting rid of the rest of the vampires? Probably Shard. Who better to send after vampires than another vampire? I wonder how he's doing, these days? We left Amber so quickly, I never had a chance to say goodbye. Maybe that was for the best. Given that I can't allow myself to be more than just a friend to him, it's probably easier on him not to have me around at all.

Vetchways, year 27, day 269 (Sunday, January 1, 4)

Afternoon

I notified the University that I would not be teaching my usual classes this coming term. I wouldn't have been very effective in the martial classes in a couple of months anyway, and it shouldn't be hard to find someone at the hospital to teach my medical classes. I just feel like I'd be spending too much time away if I kept teaching them. It never seemed like that before, but my perspective seems to have changed somewhat. I guess the awful visions Sand gave me, and then my injury, clarified some things for me. Like how important my family is to me. Not that they were unimportant before, far from it, but... I can't quite explain it, but it's like they've become even more precious to me now. And I don't want to spend so much time away from them.

Vetchways, year 27, day 270 (Monday, January 2, 4)

Morning

I finally asked Lucien if he would continue instructing me in shapeshifting. I should be well enough by now for that not to stress me unduly. The baby will limit some of what I can do of course, but there are still areas I can work on. Lucien said he's willing to teach me, but he may not have much time for a while. He's still busy getting the House in order. I offered to learn from another instructor if he wanted, but he wouldn't hear of it. I guess I'm not all that surprised. Where could he find a shapeshifter who was both advanced enough to teach me, and trustworthy enough that he could be certain he wouldn't hurt me?

Vetchways, year 27, day 272 (Wednesday, January 4, 4)

Morning

Jalana, Morgan and Shannon are leaving home today. I told myself I was ready for this, but still, I'm finding it hard. I knew they wouldn't stay here. Amber is their home, not Chaos, and they're old enough to be on their own now. They have no reason to stay here. I knew this would happen sooner or later, and I don't blame them for going, but...I'm still going to miss them terribly.

Vetchways, year 27, day 274 (Friday, January 6, 4)

Evening

Sand is not in the Fount. Brand has confirmed it. That leaves her spirit loose without a body, or... Gods, I hope Meander is able to locate her. One by one, all the possibilities are being eliminated, except for the one I dread the most. It's getting harder and harder not to worry about it. I wish I knew how Lucien does it.

Vetchways, year 27, day 275 (Saturday, January 7, 4)

Afternoon

Vincent's finally departed Jesbyways, and seems to have recovered from his ordeal. I thought there might be some change to him, now that Sand no longer haunts him, but he seems no different than before. Perhaps I was too late. She was with him for so many years, that maybe he'll never truly be free of her. If only I'd tried harder to find a way to get rid of her, maybe I could have freed him sooner... Before he lost his childhood at such a young age. I know he says I did my best, and he doesn't seem to be blaming me. It's just hard not to wonder if there wasn't something I could have done.

Vetchways, year 27, day 277 (Monday, January 9, 4)

Morning

Still no response to my ad on the Disc. I'm beginning to wonder if there ever will be. I know that enchantment is not a very common magic there, but I was hoping... It seems Alastor will have to wait a little longer to be restored. I can hardly go searching through Shadow for a solution now. After all I went through recently, all my worry that I might have hurt the baby, it would be terribly foolish of me to risk his life now just to enchant my sword. I can wait a little longer for that.

Evening

That was rather unexpected, though in hindsight, I guess it shouldn't have been. I really don't know my way around the Courts well enough yet to safely get by without someone who does. A personal assistant, Lucien called her, but at first he said she was a bodyguard, and it wouldn't surprise me if she turns out to be both. It would be just like Lucien. I guess I can live with it. She seems nice enough, and I do need someone to teach me the local customs. Not that I was planning to spend much time outside of the House anyway, but, you never can tell what might happen.

Vetchways, year 27, day 278 (Tuesday, January 10, 4)

Afternoon

It still feels odd to see Cymnea around the Ways. I haven't quite gotten over the fight or flight response she invokes in me...although it's gotten a little better. She does seem much more sane than when she was attacking Amber...almost friendly. Maybe Heather's trap worked after all. I wonder if Benedict's been to see her yet? Does he even know she's free? Surely he must. Who knows what terms they last parted on, though?

Angelique's being awfully friendly too. She and Cymnea have even invited me to weekly tea. Of course, both of them know exactly how to behave at tea, whereas I'm still figuring that out, so maybe this is just an opportunity for them to laugh at my expense. Still, she did offer to show me what the duties of the Lady of the House are. Apparently, it's mostly running the household affairs, things that she's been handling so far. She offered to keep doing it if I wanted her to. Not likely. Not that I have a great desire to take those duties over, but even I know how bad it will look if I allow Lucien's ex-wife to do what technically is my job now. Gods, why does this have to be so complicated?

Vetchways, year 27, day 281 (Friday, January 13, 4)

Morning

Meander's spell did not detect Sand's presence. Which, if Brand was right, means her spirit is not at large. I feel so cold right now. Another alternative gone. I am left to pin my hopes on the possibility that Sand was destroyed when she was forced out of Vincent's head. No other possibility is left, besides the unthinkable. Meander has offered to make a charm, if I can find something of Sand's, but what good will that do? I can't put it on someone who hasn't even been born yet. Still, I'm going to try. I have to. At least I'll be doing something. My only other option is to just give up, and I can't do that.

Evening

I'm not surprised that Lucien knew the way to Sand's Shadow...to the bedroom in her castle, in fact. They were lovers, after all. To be honest, I'm rather grateful that he offered to come with me, and even more so that he was willing to go today. I know how busy he's been, and I offered to wait, but deep down, I'm relieved that I didn't have to. I'm sure he knew that. And, if I'd gone with anyone else, it would have taken much longer to find Sand's castle. Not to mention find something that belonged to her in the castle. As it was, I'm glad to have spent as little time there as possible. It was rather creepy there, with the castle run down and falling apart... Having Lucien there was rather a great comfort. Now all I have to do is wait for Meander to make the charm...which won't be until the full moon in Amber, a week from now. I guess we didn't need to hurry, after all. But I'm still glad we did.

Vetchways, year 27, day 290 (Sunday, January 22, 4)

Afternoon

Meander's completed the charm at last. It's a moonstone on a string. He says the stone will glow if Sand comes near it. I was relieved to note it didn't glow when I put it on. I guess that definitely proves that she isn't in me. Would it pick up if she was in the baby, though? I'm still in the first trimester. Meander isn't sure. I guess all I can do is wear it, and pray it doesn't begin to glow as the baby develops.

Vetchways, year 27, day 293 (Wednesday, January 25, 4)

Afternoon

I wasn't expecting Mother to be willing to come to Chaos, after her experience here with Fenar. Nor Grayson, really, or the girls. But I had to at least make the invitation. I'll just have to visit them in Amber. I'm happy for the excuse to spend some time there, actually. I'm still not comfortable enough here to think of this place as home yet. Maybe when I'm more familiar with the customs, it won't seem so strange to me. I hope so. I'd hate to be feel this out of place forever.

Vetchways, year 27, day 304 (Sunday, February 5, 4)

Evening

Grayson still shows more interest in having a good time than in spending time with his children. I've given up on trying to change that. I don't have the energy to waste trying to force an interest that isn't there, and as things stand right now, his sons are better off not seeing all that much of him. He's not exactly a good example to hold up to them at the moment. At lunch with him today, I told him that I'm here if he ever needs me, and I meant that. But I've decided that until he decides he does, I'm going to leave him alone to make his own mistakes. Hard as that is for me to do. I have enough other children to worry about as it is. I just hope this was the right decision, in the long run.

Vetchways, year 27, day 313 (Tuesday, February 14, 5)

Morning

Whimsy seems to have completed her transformation with no ill effects, just as I expected. I should be able to spark her ovulation such that she will be fertile on her wedding night, but we agreed that I should check the night before, just to be sure. I must admit, I was a bit surprised when Whimsy asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. She keeps herself so closed off that sometimes I'm not certain if she thinks of me as a friend, or just another annoying relative. I'd like to think this means its the former.

Afternoon

I can't believe I was so naive. I should have checked on this long ago. He's still married to her! At least here in Chaos. Which makes me his second wife to some, his mistress to others. His mistress! I won't be that. I won't play Vixen to Lucien's Eric, knowing I'm viewed as some interloper, and Angelique is seen as his rightful wife. Why is he still married to her? Surely he can't wish to have her as his wife, can he? I need to find him, to hear his explanation for this. And to settle this matter once and for all.

I suppose I can see his reasoning, even if I don't agree with it. I admit that divorcing Angelique could well stir her animosity again. And if we were living in Amber, leaving things alone probably wouldn't bother me so much. There, at least, there is no doubt that I'm his wife. But how could I live here, year after year, being thought of as nothing more than a floozy, good enough for Lucien to sleep with but not good enough for him to marry? For that's precisely how people would think of me. I remember the talk when Vixen was involved with Eric. It would have driven me crazy, eventually. And honestly, I think I'm in more danger while Angelique is still married to him, despite Lucien's belief to the contrary. Think of the temptation to her, to know that all that stands between her and being Lucien's only wife is me. Accidents have been known to happen. She must have been terribly disappointed when I survived Sand's attack. Or perhaps I'm being unkind. Still, the fact remains that once Lucien divorces her, she gains nothing by killing me...well, except for revenge. But while he's still married to her, if I die, she becomes his wife, free and clear. Either way, it isn't a good situation. I just hope I made the right choice. What else could I have done? The alternative was to leave Chaos and never return, with or without Lucien. And that would have been far more painful.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on March 24, 2000 by Kris Fazzari.