Vetchways?

Morning

The bolt is gone. But something's wrong. I don't recognize this room, nor the woman sleeping in the chair. And I'm not completely healed. I can tell that my heart muscle was recently repaired, but there's still a hole in the surrounding tissue. My heart...I thought Sand had missed it. How could I have remained standing if she hit it? Much less run after her. Shock. I must have been in shock. People do strange things when they're in shock. I saw it when I was in medical school, but I've never experienced it. That would explain why I felt so slow. And why the tip of the arrow was moving in time with my heart. But why did Lucien heal my heart, but nothing else? I feel so tired...weak. Not just physically, but mentally, too. It's hard to think straight. Could there be drugs in my I.V., drugs to cloud my mind? And inhibit my body's healing process? I tried to heal myself, but I felt so dizzy, I had to stop. Maybe I'm not in Vetchways at all. Maybe this is one of Sand's illusions again. Or maybe I've been captured by someone else. Why else would they heal me just enough to let me live, but not enough for me to leave my bed? But how could that happen? I remember waking up on Whimsy's floor, and I saw Lucien there. He was holding me. I can't believe anyone could have taken me from him. But then why am I in this strange room? And why didn't he finish healing me? Surely this sort of injury is not beyond his skill? And why isn't he here? Does he think Sand is in my head now? Is he drugging me to keep her at bay?

Vetchways, year 27, day 252

The woman is a demon, and she's obviously here to keep an eye on me. I should have removed the I.V. instead of awakening her. I could have ignored the needs of my bladder, at least long enough to see if my head cleared at all once the I.V. was no longer attached. Obviously I'm not thinking clearly, but I knew that already. At least I talked the doctor into an hour's reprieve. If he was a doctor. Do they have doctor's in the Courts? He must have medical training of some kind, enough to put in an I.V. It's not something that just anyone can do. Certainly the demon couldn't. I'll have to hope an hour is enough time for the effects of the drugs to wear off. If there are any drugs to begin with. Then again, if an hour was enough time for me to notice a change, then surely the doctor wouldn't have allowed it, would he? And if I'm not being drugged, then why do I feel this way? He said I've been unconscious for a week! I should have healed more if it's been a week. I wish I'd understood what he said to the demon. It must be a Real language of some kind. Not faerie, though. I'd understand faerie. A demon language of some kind? Does such a thing even exist? I don't know. I feel so tired. What if I fall asleep before the hour is up, and he puts the I.V. back in without my realizing it? I have to stay awake. Maybe I can get the demon to talk to me. Surely if I'm talking, I can stay awake.

The demon's name is Millicent. Well, I'm sure it's not her real name. Demons don't give out their real names. Just like faeries. I wonder if they're related, somehow? I asked her to tell me about the Courts - what they're like now, what they were like under Zane. I figured it would keep her talking for a while, and I'll need to know it all anyway, if I'm going to be living here from now on. Assuming this stay lasts longer than the last one. Some of it I knew already, but I didn't tell her that. As long as she talks, I can stay awake. And some of it I didn't know. Like why it was so easy for Lucien to take over from Angelique. Why the House remembers him as anything more than a distant memory. 800 years is a long time, after all, and I'm sure Zane called him a traitor. But Angelique kept the House's memory of him alive, with stories about the glory he brought to the House, and the prosperity that came with it. I had to smile at that. Prosperity? The Hendrakes' vendetta eliminated most of the House, and the rest was in hiding. The House didn't even technically exist until after the civil war, when Lucien reestablished it. And the time between then and Zane's insurrection was short indeed. I wouldn't exactly call that prosperity. Survival yes, but not prosperity. Millicent claims that life without danger is dull. Maybe danger equals prosperity to her. Or maybe the whole House is just suicidal. If there's anyone who deserves credit for the House's current prosperity, it's Angelique. Why is she so unwilling to claim the credit for it? Does she love Lucien so much that she cannot see her own achievements? Or does she simply consider herself entirely shaped by him, and therefore her achievements are his own?

At least the Courts are more open now than they were in the past, if Millicent is to be believed. Not that she remembers the past, she's too young, but I hope she's right. I don't know enough about Despil to know what kind of man he is, but he seems to be well-liked. At least by most. I'm sure there are some surviving supporters of Zane that don't like Despil much at all. I wonder where I fit in that puzzle? Will I suffer any repercussions for being Zane's daughter, despite the fact that I didn't know him, and didn't support him? Or will my position as Lucien's wife protect me from that? It was easy to forget about my relation to Zane while I was in Amber, but now that I'm in Chaos, it's harder to ignore. Zane was such a monster, after all. He even killed Bartholomew's sister, Constance. Poor Adam. No wonder he opposed Zane so vigorously. What could Zane have been thinking, to do such a thing, knowing he would just stiffen Adam's opposition to him? Maybe he wasn't thinking at all. Everything I hear seems to indicate he was quite mad. Still, if he was so insane, how did he stay in power for so long?

I'm wandering again. It's so hard to focus right now. I don't know how much time has passed, but I don't feel any better. What were we talking about again? Oh yes, Adam. And losing Constance. Millicent says he loved her very much. Poor man. Millicent doesn't understand why it would be hard for him to recover from her loss. Those of House Vetch, she says, accept that life is short and you simply move on. What would she say if she knew the Lord she reveres so much passed 2,000 years without recovering from the loss of his first wife? I don't think Lucien would thank me for shattering her illusions. He hid his grief for Loryn very well indeed. I wonder if anyone but me will ever know just how much it hurt him? Except for Tamaryn. She knew. She saw it happen. How hard that must have been for her.

Still finding it hard to focus. What's Millicent saying now? Oh yes, the current Heads of House. I missed some, but no matter, I can ask Lucien about them later. If I see him later. If this is really Vetchways. Focus on what Millicent is saying. Despil's brother Jurt is ruling Sawall now. Adam still rules Helgram. Lucretia is in charge of Borge. Fenar died in the war. I'm glad. Why does Lucretia sound familiar? Oh yes, she's Alex's mother. I think. A woman named Claire is in charge of Jesby. She's like Flora, obsessed with etiquette. I wonder if she knew Flora, back when Gramble was alive? I hope I don't have to meet her until I figure out what the proper etiquette is here in the Courts. She must be the one who's making Whimsy marry Edwin. Poor Whimsy. Except Whimsy could get out of it if she wanted to. The bastard she killed deserved it, after all. Maybe she likes Edwin more than she wants to admit.

Footsteps. My hour is up already. It can't be, not yet. I don't feel any better. Just tired, very tired. There's something else I need to ask Millicent, something important. Oh yes, Vincent, how is Vincent? Is he all right? Did Sand take over his mind? Millicent doesn't even know who he is. Is that because we haven't been here long, or because she isn't really part of House Vetch? I don't know. There's no way I can be sure. Just like there's no way I can stop the doctor from putting the I.V. back in. I don't have the strength to fight. So I'll cooperate, for now. What choice do I have? I can only wait for Lucien to come. Millicent will let him know that I need to speak to him. When he comes, then I'll know I'm safe. But now, I think I'll sleep. I can't fight it anymore.

Afternoon

Lasker is trying to find me. He's even resorted to threatening poor Felix, claiming Tamaryn will do if he doesn't find me. And Gavin is working for him. Gods, I feel so cold. Why does Lasker want me? Did my blood give him the power he now possesses? Maybe it's wearing off and he needs another infusion. Or maybe he wants my blood for the vampires he controls. Eral, if he's learned of my ability to transfuse others, if he knows of how I sustained Shard initially...maybe he intends to use that ability to fuel him and his followers. And there's nothing I can do to stop him if he finds me. I can't even sit up on my own. How could I possibly defend myself? I have to tell Lucien. Gods, where is he? Why hasn't he come yet? I can't be a prisoner somewhere if Felix was able to reach me. Can I?

At least the baby seems to have come through this ordeal all right. My mind is so foggy that I didn't even think to check on him until now. I have to be careful, for his sake. No matter how much I want to try to get out of here, to run and hide from Lasker, I can't risk doing anything that might cause me to lose the baby. I'm lucky getting shot in the heart didn't cause me to miscarry. Maybe that's why I seem to be healing so slowly. Maybe most of my energy is focused on keeping him alive. But if that's the case, it still doesn't explain why Lucien didn't finish healing me himself.

I feel terrible for my earlier thoughts about why I was here. But what was I supposed to think, waking up in a strange place, with no one I recognized? And feeling so unnaturally tired with my healing incomplete? It was certainly possible that I was a prisoner somewhere. Or that Lucien was drugging me to keep Sand at bay. I wouldn't even have blamed him. But he wasn't. This strange mental tiredness is due to something Sand did to me while I was in Vincent's head. Lucien thinks it has to do with when she shot me. That she made me believe the arrow was real. But how? Maybe I could believe that was true with the first two bolts, since I saw them coming...although, if belief was a factor, then surely my belief that my armor was real should have lessened the damage. But the third bolt, the one that wounded me so seriously, I didn't even see coming. She shot me in the back. How could she convince me that it was real when I didn't even see it coming? Perhaps Lucien's second suggestion was correct. Maybe she Trumped a real arrow into me. After all, if my body could be in there, why not a crossbow bolt? It would explain why the bolt remained in my body, even after I was free of Vincent's head. Were they all real, or only the last one? I don't suppose it matters. It was the last one that did so much damage. So much inexplicable damage. Lucien is afraid to heal the rest of the physical damage, since he doesn't understand the mental damage, or how the two are tied together. And just healing my heart took a lot out of him. It just doesn't make any sense. Even if that final crossbow bolt was real, why would that hurt my mind so? It should only have caused the same sort of damage to me that it would have caused in the real world. What caused the injury to my mind, then? Could it be the manner in which I freed myself? A result of passing through the Fount while in contact with Sand? Lucien cannot detect her in my mind, and unlike Vincent when she possessed him, my own strength of mind has not increased. But if Whimsy is correct in her belief that Sand is no longer in Vincent, she must have gone somewhere. So, either Sand is in my mind, but has found a way to hide her presence, or she went someplace else...like into the mind of the baby. Eral, it's too terrible to even contemplate. What if, in saving one child from Sand, I have condemned the other? Gods, this is why I did not wish to have any more children. I didn't want to face this awful uncertainty...the fear that I may have hurt yet another child of mine...ever again. What am I going to do if it's true? Kill my baby? How can I do that? But if I don't, and she's taken over his mind, then I'll be releasing her on the world again. Oh gods, please don't let it come to that. I don't think it's a decision I can make.

At least Lucien has eased my concerns about Lasker somewhat. Even if Lasker knows where I am, it will be difficult for him to get to me. It would take him a while to travel through Shadow, and Brand is unlikely to have given him a Trump of Vetchways. Brand might have given him a Trump of me, however. It would be just like Brand to give Lasker a means of contacting his victim at a later date. And if Lasker's mind is as strong as Shard's, I don't think that I could block him. Lucien says he knows of a way to prevent me from receiving Trumps, though. I'll feel a lot better once I have it. I suppose I should be thankful that we're not still in Amber. It would be much easier for Lasker to get to me there, and Lucien couldn't protect me as effectively as he can in his Ways. He once said his Ways were so well protected that they were the only place he could ever feel completely at ease. I pray he was right about that.

So much happened while I was unconscious. I wasn't expecting to hear that Nicholas' war with Finndo was over already. Nor that it had ended in such a fashion. It's so strange to think that it was all settled with a duel. Thank the gods. Nicholas' chief complaint was with Finndo, after all. Why should Amber's soldiers have had to pay the price for his grief? I'm relieved that Finndo didn't kill Nicholas, even though I'm sure Nicholas would have killed Finndo if he could have managed it. He isn't well. Too much grief can drive you crazy, and he's experienced so much of it...losing his father, his mother, Beauty and then his sister. I just hope that the treatment he's getting will help him get through that, eventually. At least they are treating him, instead of just throwing him in some Shadow to rot. Like Sand. I guess Random learned from that mistake. I wonder who's taking care of Corbin now?

So I can go home now, if I want to. We didn't need to flee here after all. Lucien didn't need to take over the House again in order to protect us. No, I can't think about it that way, or I'll just break down and cry, and I won't do that in front of Lucien. Besides, if it hadn't happened now, it would have happened eventually. Lucien's been Head of House for so long, I'm not sure he can ever truly abandon it for good. The question is, what do I do now? Once I'm recovered, I mean. If I recover. Do I return to Amber, knowing that Lucien won't come with me...can't come with me, really. His honor wouldn't allow him to abandon his position so soon after resuming it. But the alternative is for me to stay here in this strange place. To make Chaos my home now. Can I do that? Can I ever feel comfortable enough here to call it home? I don't know. But I at least have to try. I owe Lucien that much, at least. He did live with me for all of those years in Amber without complaint. Surely I can manage to do the same.

Vetchways, year 27, day 253

Morning

Millicent is being very careful to stay awake now. Poor girl. Days of guarding a comatose woman, and the one time she chooses to nod off, I wake up. Assuming that was the first time. I wonder what Lucien would have done if I'd mentioned that lapse to him when he asked if her service was satisfactory? Not that I would have told him. I'd hate to see her get in trouble for a simple mistake. Besides, I kind of like her. And being as new here as I am, I can use all the potential allies that I can get.

Evening

I really hate being injured. Lying here, not able to see the children, or even get up and go to the bathroom. I hate it. But I have no choice. I mustn't push myself until I've recovered, for the baby's sake if nothing else. I won't risk losing him due to my impatience. And for Lucien's sake, as well. I doubt he'd be pleased if, after all his effort, I managed to kill myself because I lacked the patience to lie quietly for a time. This past week must have been very hard on him. I know full well how difficult it can be when someone you love is gravely injured, and there's nothing you can do about it. I've never forgotten what it was like to watch him suffer from Chaos cancer. And while I'm sure Lucien will never admit it, I doubt he enjoyed the realization that, even with all of his shapeshifting skill, he could not heal me. I just wish I understood why he couldn't. What could be wrong with me? Could I have Chaos cancer? Is that why he couldn't heal me? No, surely he would have told me...wouldn't he?

I wish I could see the children. I keep remembering what I saw in Vincent's head...what Sand made me see...Ana and Briana dying so horribly. It's hard to forget those terrible images. They even stay with me in my dreams. Part of me won't believe they are truly all right until I see them with my own eyes. And Vincent... I know Lucien says he's all right, but I still want to see him. I want to talk to him, to make sure Sand's finally left him in peace. To know that something good came out of this mess, in the end.

Vetchways, year 27, day 254

Afternoon

I think I finally understand why Lucien focused so much on shapeshifting, almost to the exclusion of all else. And perhaps why Benedict has done the same where the arts of war are concerned. Almost everything else can be taken from you. That became very clear when I was trapped in Vincent's mind, and Sand was hunting me. Pattern, Trump, magic, none of it worked. Even my armor and sword were useless. If I hadn't been able to shapeshift, I would have died in there. It's sobering to realize that's all that kept me from death, and even that was barely enough.

Vetchways, year 27, day 255

Morning

I can't believe Gavin tried to Trump me. Did he honestly think I'd answer him? Maybe he doesn't know that Felix warned me against him. Gods, if Lucien hadn't brought me that Trump Ward, I doubt I could have resisted the contact...Gavin's mind has always been very strong. I'm sure that's part of why Lasker recruited him. I let Lucien know about the attempt, but he didn't seem concerned. I suppose that if he isn't, I shouldn't be either. Still, I don't think I'm going to be able to get back to sleep for a while.

Evening (Thursday, December 29, 4)

For a second, I thought Gavin was trying to reach me again, but it turned out to be Alexandra. Her news was rather bizarre, to say the least. Tamaryn has turned almost everyone in the family into faeries, to protect them from the vampires. Naturally, they're wreaking havoc. While I can hardly argue against the use of faerie form to keep vampires from seeing you, since I've used it for that very purpose myself, I can't understand what possessed Tamaryn to do it to everyone. Surely she must have expected them to be somewhat overwhelmed by the innate faerie sense of mischief? I wish there was something I could do to help. It's so frustrating to be stuck here like this.

Lucien thinks the whole Tamaryn situation is an Amber problem. I suppose, from his perspective, it is. I mean, she may be his daughter, but she did marry an Amberite. He must find it rather ironic that Benedict is the one chasing her, though. His sister's child in pursuit of his own. Part of me almost wishes I could watch the chase.

At least I haven't been gone for over a week from the children's perspective. They've only passed a couple of days in my absence. It seems that Lucien has me in a part of the Ways that runs faster than the rest. That explains why I'm not in my own bedroom. He offered to move me back, but I'd rather stay here until I've recovered more. That way, not too much time should pass for the children before I'm well enough to see them. Seeing me now, with this big bandage around my chest, not to mention all of the tubes, would only frighten the younger ones. I just hope I do heal, at some point. What if I'm stuck like this forever?

Lucien's offered to set up a scrying pool for me. I can't wait. At least now I'll have something to occupy me when I'm awake. It's rather lonely here sometimes, when Lucien is gone. I understand that with his duties as Head of House, he can't be here all the time, especially since the area is running faster than the rest of the Ways, but it's hard to be alone when you can't get out of bed. Besides, I have to admit, I'm rather curious to see what's going on in Amber, given what Alexandra told me of the situation there. I guess I'll know soon enough.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on February 25, 2000 by Kris Fazzari.