Amber, year 27, day 225 (Wednesday, December 7, 4)

Morning

Ishmael was less than enthused about the idea of talking to Grayson, and he did have a point. They have similar backgrounds, but beyond that they have nothing in common. Nothing that would bring them together so Ishmael could befriend him. Which leaves me unsure of what to do. Ishmael suggested sending Lucien to talk to him, to be a paternal figure, but I can't see Lucien wanting to do that. Grayson isn't his child, after all. I know that eventually Grayson will be forced to learn that life isn't one big party, and that if he wants to enjoy himself until then there's no reason to stop him. I just wish there was some way to ensure that his behavior doesn't hurt anyone else in the meantime.

Afternoon

As I expected, Lucien thinks there are more important things to worry about right now than Grayson. And I understand that, but I can't do anything about those situations either. At least he said he'd keep an eye on Grayson. That's all I can really hope for, right now.

Amber, year 27, day 226 (Thursday, December 8, 4)

Nicholas has left for Chaos. I can only hope that he's managed to pull himself together. If he arrives in Chaos looking the way he did at the reception for the faerie ambassadors, I don't think he'll be ruling there for long. And a war is the last thing I want to see happen right now.

Amber, year 27, day 227 (Friday, December 9, 4)

Morning

No response to my request on the Disc. I was hoping to have heard something by now. Surely, on the Plane of Magic, there must be someone who can enchant my sword.

Afternoon

I mentioned my lack of progress on the Disc to Lucien, but I'm not sure he even heard me. He's been awfully distracted, the past day or two. What could be bothering him? I hate to ask, lest he think I'm crowding him, but I will if this continues for too long. It worries me when he's like this.

Amber, year 27, day 228 (Saturday, December 10, 4)

The children took the news of my pregnancy pretty well. Not that I didn't think they would, but I was a little worried about how Bryan might react to not being the youngest anymore. I'm still not sure he understands all that his baby will mean, but so far the idea doesn't seem to trouble him. With luck, that won't change too much once the baby is born. Jalana, of course, thinks it's wonderful news. It's amazing how the news of a new sibling can please her as much at 17 as it did when she was five.

Amber, year 27, day 229 (Sunday, December 11, 4)

Afternoon

Tamaryn seemed genuinely happy to learn about my pregnancy, but then she always seems that way. I wish I knew how she does it. After all she's been through in her life, to have the attitude she does...it amazes me, sometimes. Maybe it's because she's been through so much that she can appreciate life the way she does.

Evening

I broke down and asked Lucien what's been troubling him so, this past week. I just couldn't stand it anymore. Even when I see him, it's like he's not completely here. Not that asking him about it helped much. He did admit that he's working on something, but he doesn't want to tell me until it's done, just in case it doesn't work. I don't like it, but I understand it. If I don't know, I can't give it away to anyone else. Still, I wish I knew what he's up to. It sounds like he's preparing for some contingency, and I'm afraid that whatever it is, it won't be good.

Amber, year 27, day 231 (Tuesday, December 13, 4)

I really do like L'Wren. Lunch with her was wonderful. It's so nice to have someone from Faerie that I can talk to every once and a while, even if I do feel almost homesick afterwards.

Amber, year 27, day 233 (Thursday, December 15, 4)

All in all, a rather strange day. Nicholas has returned, and he appears to be his old self again. Which should be a relief, and it is, except... He's almost too normal now. I'm glad that he seems to finally be dealing with Nimue's death, but something like that can't be completely dealt with so quickly. At least not in my experience. I worry that maybe he hasn't dealt with it at all. Which could be dangerous, in the long run.

I also received a letter from Angelique, canceling our lunch this week. She gave no explanation. I have to wonder if she's involved in whatever Lucien is so distracted with. I hope not. I don't like the idea of them working together.

Amber, year 27, day 239 (Wednesday, December 21, 4)

Still no response on the Disc. I'm beginning to think there never will be. Maybe I should just try to get Alastor enchanted in Shadow, after all. In the end, it may be faster. Lucien can't understand why I need an enchanted weapon at all, when Benedict manages without one. Of course, the fact that Benedict is much better than I am might have something to do with it. If I could get by without one, I would, but I remember how Alastor's original blade was broken, which was why I enchanted it in the first place. Not to mention how ineffectual it recently proved against the demons when compared to Morglyph. No, I'm not ready to do without an enchanted weapon yet. I just hope I can find what I'm looking for in Shadow.

Amber, year 27, day 241 (Friday, December 23, 4)

Afternoon

Sometimes I feel like the fates are conspiring against me. First, I could find no one on the Disc to enchant my sword. Now Shadow itself seems to be working against me. It makes no sense. No matter what means of enchanting Alastor I tried to search for, I always wound up in a Shadow that was shrouded in darkness. Before the vampires came to Amber, maybe this wouldn't have bothered me as much, but... And then there were the woods closing in around me, and the wolves, and the feeling that someone was following me... Maybe I'm being overcautious, but it felt dangerous to me, and certainly no place I wanted to be alone. While I'm anxious to get Alastor fixed, I'm not willing to do so at the cost of my life. Or the baby's. I'd rather wait until Lucien is free to come with me, or I find someone else to help.

Nicholas has declared war on the Unseelie Court. I can't believe it. I know I was worried that it would take him a while to forget what Finndo did to him, but to put all of Amber in danger in this way? To chop off the head of the Unseelie ambassador, a woman who hadn't done a thing to him? It's madness! It makes me ill to think of it. I want desperately to leave, to refuse to be a part of this. But I won't leave without Lucien, and he isn't willing to go yet. I guess he wants to see which way things go before deciding where to jump. And I know he wouldn't want us to stay if he thought we were in danger. But still, I'd be happier if we left.

It occurs to me that staying here may be even riskier than I first thought. Not just because I might slip and use faerie magic by mistake. But because I doubt Nicholas has forgotten my words to him so many years ago. Admittedly, it was before he was trapped in Chaos, so perhaps they have faded, but it makes no difference. My opinion on the matter has not changed in that time. I will not take up arms against Auberon. I cannot. That's why I wanted to leave for Rebma as soon as I heard the news. I don't want to risk Nicholas ordering my assistance, for I would have to defy him. And I'd rather not put Lucien in the position of trying to break me out of prison if I can help it. I guess he'd prefer to avoid that as well, for he told me to be packed and ready to go at a moment's notice. I was planning to anyway. Whenever we do leave Amber, I doubt it will be with plenty of warning.

Evening

They won't come with me. None of them. I tried to explain the situation, how Nicholas might try to use their children, my grandchildren, against me, but they couldn't see it. What am I going to do? I hate the idea of leaving the boys here, but what other choice do I have? Take them from their mothers? Force their mothers to come with us? Either way I'd be doing something that goes against every fiber of my being. But what if I leave them here and they come to harm? Can I live with that? I don't know. But I know I can't live with myself if I force them to accompany us.

I wonder where Lucien is? Gathering information? It's hard for me to sleep, not knowing where he is, with all that's happened today. But I have to try. Whatever happens tomorrow, I'll need to be well rested for it.

Vetchways, year 27, day 242 (Saturday, December 24, 4)

Early morning

So that's why he's been so distracted! He's been in Chaos. Or part of him has. When he splits like that, can the two parts of him communicate? Is that what he was doing when Whimsy first told us of Nicholas' declaration of war? I still can't believe that Nicholas tried to hire Lucien to kill his own nephew. Would he have moved against us because of Lucien's refusal? I don't know, but I'm glad we didn't stick around to find out.

And so, once again I find myself in newly pregnant and in Chaos, while Lucien takes over the house. From Angelique, no less. My heart aches to think of it, but for once I said nothing to him. What could I say, after all, knowing that he did it at least in part to protect us? Ironically, his coming out of retirement to work for Nicholas was much harder for me to deal with than him becoming Head of House again. The first meant that he had returned to killing. This is just a change in employer. Gods, that sounds cold, but I can't think of any better way to phrase it. Still, even if it doesn't hurt as much, I can't say that I'm pleased about it. While he was working for Nicholas, there was always the chance he might quit again, someday. But now that he's resumed his old position, I'm afraid that he'll never be able to stop. Or worse, that he won't ever want to. I try not to think of the words he said to me when he retired, about how he'd been wanting to quit for a long time. It just hurts too much. Was he lying to me then? Or was life in Amber so terrible that it drove him back to assassination? Either answer is painful to contemplate, so I do my best not to. Tamaryn once said she thought maybe I could change him, and I used to believe that too, but now... Even if I could, I'm not sure I have the strength anymore.

Morning

It's slowly starting to sink in where I am now. And what I've left behind. I pray Nicholas leaves Grayson's children alone. I'll die if anything happens to them, but I couldn't bring them with me, not if it meant taking them away from their mothers. What kind of hypocrite would I be then? And in a way, I can't blame their mothers for not wanting to come. They have friends in Amber, lives. What would they have here? What do I have here? In Amber, I had my classes, and the hospital. In Chaos, I have my family, and that means the most to me, but... What else is there for me to do? I keep telling myself that the situation between Amber and Faerie can't go on forever, but what happens when it's over? Will we be able to go home again? I can't see Lucien being able to leave now that he's Head of House once more. I suppose he could always split himself again, and remain in Chaos while returning to Amber with the children and I. But I have no idea what it would do to his reputation in Chaos to have his wife living in Amber. Not to mention that I don't like the idea of leaving part of him here, to Angelique's attentions. But...how can I stay here when so much of my life is still in Amber?

Sometimes I just want to smack Ishmael. He had no call to be so snide with me. I had no choice but to come here. I'm sorry if he sees that as running away, but if he used that brain of his for once, he'd see that it was only a matter of time before I'd have to leave anyway, given my connections to Faerie. Eral, half of my children have faerie blood! Damn him anyway, for making this even more difficult than it is already. At least Florian understood when I turned over running the hospital to him for the time being. And Tamaryn even said she expected Lucien to move us. So why can't Ishmael understand this?

There, I think Grayson was the last of those I needed to inform about my move. I invited him to come visit, of course, but I don't think he will. Chaos holds so many bad memories for him. Maybe it's for the best that we be separated for a while. Maybe it will be harder for me to worry about him when I don't see him as often. Maybe. But I doubt it.

Afternoon

The Ways don't seem to have changed all that much under Angelique's rule. Then again, maybe there wasn't much she could change, while Lucien still lived. I'm unclear as to who had control over the Ways while he was in Amber, after all. At least my gardens are still intact. I could have started them over, of course, but it's comforting to know they survived over the years. Sometimes I think they and the children were all that kept me sane when I first came here.

Angelique seems quite happy. And why shouldn't she be? She's won and I've lost. She has what she wanted most. Lucien is in Chaos and has resumed his position. Eral only knows what he did with the daughters who were in charge while he was gone. Maybe they killed them together. Gods, I can't think about that. It will drive me crazy if I do.

Evening

The Ways may be much the same, but Chaos itself seems to have changed. There are so many half breeds around, both fey and demonic. And so many more people in the Ways than I remember seeing before. I have to keep reminding myself that centuries have passed here since we fled from Zane, not merely decades. What other changes have there been in that time?

Vetchways, year 27, day 244 (Monday, December 26, 4)

I suppose I should have expected that Middlecourt would be disbanded, given what's happened to Shadow. I wasn't expecting to see Fiona here, though, much less paying a social call. At least I know that Vincent isn't dead, and that he's safe. I'm not happy that Fiona hurt him in her effort to leave the Triumvirate, though. But what can I do about it? Nothing. I can never do anything that really matters in the end. Not to her. Not to Jack. Not even to Lucien.

Vetchways, year 27, day 245 (Tuesday, December 27, 4)

It would have been nice to have had some warning that Rygat was free. Or I guess she's calling herself Cymnea again. It was hard to sit and chat politely with her, after all she put us through after Patternfall. I mean, she tried to kill me! But she is Lucien's twin, so what can I do about it? I just hope she isn't going to be a regular presence at tea. Angelique makes me feel inadequate enough, but with her and Cymnea together, I felt like an uncultured moron. My only comfort is that Lucien doesn't seem much more familiar with the proper protocol than I am. I need to find someone who can teach me what's expected of me here. I may not follow all of it, but at least then I'll know when I'm doing something wrong.

I suppose it only makes sense that if Cymnea paid us a visit, Finndo would eventually as well. That should be an interesting tea. I think Lucien was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle seeing him, but strangely enough, I find that I hold no grudge against him for my imprisonment. He never mistreated me while I was there. I was just a pawn. I suppose if I'd actually come closer to dying than I did, I might feel differently, but... I understand why he did what he did. Or maybe I'm just too numb to care anymore, after so many shocks. This whole past week feels like a dream, or a nightmare. Part of me keeps wondering when I'll wake up. If only I could.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on October 6, 1999 by Kris Fazzari.