Amber, year 27, day 213 continued

I was right about faerie magic and witchcraft mixing explosively. I'm glad I only tried dispelling a small area. The force of the explosion was still enough to knock me on my ass. The question is, what other effect did it have? I can't sense witchcraft, so I can't even tell if the dispel actually worked. Flora obviously wants to dump this in my lap, but this is no more my problem than it is hers, and I'm tired of being the one who gets stuck with this sort of thing. I don't even live in the castle, nor do I have any sort of official position that makes this my responsibility. Let someone else deal with it, for a change.

Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods, oh gods, oh gods! He came so close to...too close. Too close. He wouldn't stop touching me. I couldn't get him off of me. Gods... I should have put him to sleep, or taken over his mind, but he was so close to me, and he wouldn't stop touching me...

I know in my mind that this wasn't Ishmael's fault. I know it was the spell, that damn spell that Whimsy sent me to get rid of, the one she lied to me about. But...I can't stop reliving it. And sometimes it isn't Ishmael's face I see, it's Brand's. Brand...I thought I'd managed to put what he did to me behind me. It's been years since I've even had a nightmare about it...although that could just be Vincent's doing. I've even managed to face Brand, to speak to him without flinching, without having to fight an urge to flee. But this...what happened with Ishmael, what nearly happened with Ishmael, has brought it all back. The overwhelming feeling of helplessness, of being powerless to stop it from happening. And worst of all, the knowledge that it could easily happen again. Because it almost did.

I suppose I should be thankful that it was Uncle Caine who was behind the Trump contact, not someone else bent on attacking me. Of course, I'd have felt better if I'd known it was him from the beginning. How did he manage to block his identity? I suppose if anyone would know how to do that, it would be Caine. It looks like he's trying to track down the cause of the spell...probably at Ishmael's instigation, given that he was jumping up and down in the background. It looked like he was saying, "I'm sorry." I guess this is probably rather awkward for him too. I mean, we've known each other for years, and I don't think he's ever looked at me as anything more than a friend and a sparring partner. What does he see now, I wonder? I don't want to think about it.

Poor Ishmael. I hope he understands why I couldn't see him. Even if I could be sure that the spell had worn off, I don't think I could face him right now. Not yet. I need more time to deal with this. Maybe in a day or two I can look at him and not have this urge to flee. It wasn't his fault, after all. I hope Maddy understands that.

Afternoon

I'm glad I decided to come home. Being around the children is lifting my spirits somewhat. I think sitting alone in the castle was just giving me too much time to dwell on what happened, and the more I dwelled on it, the worse I felt. I need to talk to someone about this. I wish I could talk to Lucien, but I'm not sure how to bring it up. What am I supposed to say? "So, darling, I nearly got raped by one of my closest friends this morning. How was your day?"

Evening

It was easier than I thought to tell Lucien about it, once he asked me what was wrong. Although I almost wanted to cry when he asked how badly I hurt Ishmael. A slap, some scratches, some thwarted shots at his groin. None of which even slowed him down. Not that I wanted to hurt him permanently, but...it's hard not to feel like I should have been able to do something more to stop him, and Lucien's comment didn't help any. Still, I do feel better now that I've talked to him about it. And to think he offered to sleep on the couch! I'd rather have him here. To be honest, I'm not sure I could sleep at all tonight if I was alone.

Amber, year 27, day 214 (Saturday, November 26, 4)

Morning

I guess Lucien was right. Things do look better in the morning. I'm sure part of that is just the result of a good night's sleep. I was afraid I might have nightmares, but I should have known better. I don't think I've had a single nightmare since Vincent became an Avatar. I'm sure I have him to think for the dreams I did have last night. I can't remember the details, just that they were very peaceful. It's touching to know he was looking out for me.

I've decided to resume teaching my classes today. I think going back to my usual routine will help me feel more like normal. I canceled my sparring session with Ishmael, though. I still don't feel quite recovered enough to face him. Not yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Boy, Whimsy must have been pretty awful to Edwin while she was under the influence of Granny's spell, judging by the mood I found him in. I hope she doesn't think I'm interfering, but I had to let him know that whatever passed between them was due to an external influence. I know she isn't fond of him now, and I can certainly understand why, but... He so obviously cares about her, and I feel sorry that he must suffer the effects of what his brother did. I guess I'm just hoping that maybe it will work out for them. Besides, if their relationship is going to fail, it should fail on its own merits, not because of something Whimsy did while under a spell.

I warned the hospital staff not to travel at night, or if they must, not to travel alone. I claimed it was due to rash of attacks that had occurred recently, which is technically the truth. I just didn't mention that the attackers were vampires. Who would believe me, anyway? At least now they know to be careful. I had to do at least that much.

Jasmine! I don't know why I didn't think of her before. Back when we were trying to determine what I'd lost to Shard, Lucien said she was the foremost expert on vampires in the Courts. It was she who determined that I'd lost a piece of my soul. If anyone can think of a way to defend ourselves against Lasker and his ilk, it would be her. Assuming she survived Zane's reign, and the war that ended it. Gods, I hope she did. She may be our best hope.

Afternoon

Where can Nicholas be? I thought I'd give him the information about Jasmine, maybe try to get him more involved in this vampire thing, but he's nowhere to be found. I guess he's still dealing with Nimue's death. And the rest of it. It worries me, though. What if he never recovers? Even if he eventually does, it may come too late. Even I understand that things can't go on this way for long without someone getting suspicious. I doubt it would take much more than that for someone to make a move in the Courts. Especially once word gets out about the destruction of the Orb.

That was odd. From the sound of it, I guess Alex is trying to sic Meander on Granny Witherall. Does he know she's Reeshau's sister? Or is he just mad about the flowers? He claimed he was just concerned about his relatives, but I know better than to believe that. I didn't pursue the matter, though. I'd rather avoid anything pertaining to Granny altogether, right now.

Well, Random was findable, at least. He liked my idea about Jasmine, and asked me to set Alex to finding her. Alex was naturally amused, given that we'd just spoken not fifteen minutes before. I guess it makes sense to use him, since his mother is the Head of Jasmine's house. I'm not sure it's a good idea to be advertising that we're having vampire problems in Amber, though. Then again, it probably can't be avoided for long.

Amber, year 27, day 215 (Sunday, November 27, 4)

Morning

Sparring with Ishmael was as difficult as I'd expected, at least at first. I kept jumping whenever he advanced towards me, and it took all I had to stand my ground. He must have realized that as well, since there's no way I normally could have gotten that many hits in on him. He obviously was going easy on me, but knowing that didn't make it any less effective. The more I was able to fight him, the less nervous I was about him trying to jump me again. Hopefully, with a few more sessions, things will get back to normal between the two of us.

Afternoon

It's been hundreds of years in Chaos since I last saw Jasmine, but she doesn't appear to have changed much. She certainly hasn't lost her questioning skills. I wonder if she remembers me? Ha, that's a silly question. I lost a piece of my soul to a vampire, and unlike the only other woman that's happened to, I survived. She'd probably love to question me about that. Wouldn't she be surprised to know I managed to get that missing piece back?

Evening

Judging by the look of interest on Jasmine's face when Shard joined us, she remembers who he is, too. I will give her credit, though, she kept her questions focused on our current problem. Her conclusions were rather disturbing. She believes Lasker is a high-powered vampire. Not as powerful as Shard, thank the gods, but there's only one of him, while Lasker has other vampires to help him. Most disquieting was Jasmine's suggestion that Brand might have taught Lasker how to draw Trump. I can't believe he would do that, though. It would have given Lasker too much power, and I hardly think that Brand would consider what he asked Lasker to do to me to be worth that much. I just hope my own idea is equally unlikely. If biting an Amberite could give vampires the power to shift Shadow, I think there would have been a more concerted effort to attack family members by now. Still, even if we removed their ability to travel Shadow, the fact that they are here in Amber at all presents a problem.

Amber, year 27, day 217 (Tuesday, November 29, 4)

Afternoon

Maddy is learning witchcraft with Whimsy. I'm a bit jealous, since I was supposed to be doing that, but I'm happy that Maddy has found something that interests her so, and that she has forgiven Whimsy for what she did to her. Still, I hope Maddy doesn't think that learning witchcraft will enable her to protect herself, or her family, from everything that comes along. I've learned the hard way that it's impossible to defend against everything. It's taken me a long time to accept that I couldn't protect Grayson. Sometimes, I still think I should have done more, or done something different. I hope Maddy never finds herself in a situation like that.

Naturally, Ishmael doesn't like the idea of Maddy spending time in Whimsy's company. He still hasn't forgiven her for what she did. Somehow, it doesn't surprise me to learn that he's so overprotective of Maddy. I always figured him for the type. It doesn't surprise me that he wants more children, either, not after all the time he spent with my children when he first came to Amber. Not to mention the fact that he grew up in Chaos, and I've seen the attitudes Lucien picked up there. I can't believe that he'd go against Maddy's wishes, though, if she told him she didn't want to have any more kids. I don't think he'd do anything that he thought would make her unhappy.

Discworld year 27, day 218 (Wednesday, November 30, 4)

Afternoon

No luck yet in finding anyone to enchant Alastor again. I hope I can eventually find someone. I'm not particularly looking forward to the thought of having to search through Shadow for a way to do it. I suppose I could just keep using Morglyph, but it was promised to Morgan, and some day he'll want it for himself. Besides, Alastor is my sword, not Morglyph. I've had it since my father made it for me, before I first left home. It's the only thing I really have left from my parents, and I refuse to give it up without exhausting every possible means of restoring it.

Amber, year 27, day 219 (Thursday, December 1, 4)

Evening

I did it! I finally got it right! I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever be able to assume a true faerie form. It's still not an easy thing to do, and it was rather tiring, but I did it! Now I just need to practice the shift enough so that I can do it in a hurry, if I need to. Lucien once said he has certain forms that he's practiced so often that it's virtually no effort to remain in them. Like his Riftvan form. I'd like to get to the point where my faerie form is like that for me.

Amber, year 27, day 221 (Saturday, December 3, 4)

Afternoon

It appears that Alexandra has given up on using the Pearl as a women's shelter, and has converted it into a hotel. What prompted her change of heart, I wonder? Maybe it's just a cover? I hope so. It was nice to have someplace to direct women who had nowhere else to turn. I should talk to her and find out what's going on.

Amber, year 27, day 222 (Sunday, December 4, 4)

Morning

I'm going to kill Lucien. I'm pregnant! I can't believe it! How could this have happened? I mean, I know how it happened, but it shouldn't have happened. The baby is nearly two weeks along. Which means he has to have been conceived after I walked the Pattern. But I asked Lucien to make himself infertile then, specifically so this wouldn't happen. I wasn't going to have any more children. It just hurts too much when something happens to them. First Grayson, and then Vincent. Why did he do this to me?

Gods, now I really want to kill him. He did this to make me happy? Do I look happy now? Have I been unhappy lately? Besides the Ishmael incident, which I thought I dealt with pretty well, given the circumstances. Gods, I know I told Maddy the other day that Lucien tends to be old-school Chaos as far as women are concerned, but I thought he was getting better about it. Now it feels like he's trying to keep me barefoot and pregnant. He knows damn well that I could never get rid of the child once I knew about it. If only I could believe his claim that he did this because he wanted another child. But how can I be sure, when this whole problem originated with a lie? I'm so tired of him lying to me! I know it wasn't a big lie, and that he thought he was helping me, but every time he lies to me it makes it that much harder to trust anything he tells me. Not to mention the fact that I am sick of him thinking he knows what's best for me, without bothering to consult me about it!

All men are pigs! Ishmael got Maddy pregnant as well. And he had the nerve to call me to intercede for him. Hah! Oh, I'll talk to Maddy all right, but I doubt he's going to like it. I'll just bet he forgot that the Pattern would make him fertile. Right. What could he and Lucien have been thinking? Is there some kind of pheromone in the air right now that makes men want to procreate?

Oh, that was a great idea. Now, instead of just being angry, I'm wet, cold and angry. I think it's time to pay Maddy a visit. Let Lucien deal with the children today, if he's so set on having more.

Afternoon

Maddy wants to cut Ishmael off from sex until the baby is born. A fine idea, but I know better than to think it will actually happen. Maddy's too sweet a soul to be that angry at Ishmael for that long. And sadly, I doubt I'd be able to do it either. Because the really frustrating part is that Lucien is right. I like being pregnant. I like feeling the baby move inside of me. I like having children. And Bryan's almost at the point now where he'll be starting his education, he and Grayson's children, and the house would be so empty while they were gone... I really hate that he knows me well enough to know that I won't be able to stay mad at him for doing this. Damn him anyway! Gods, if only I could believe that he did this because he really wanted another child, not because he thought it would keep me out of trouble. He's never deliberately wanted a baby before. It's always been an accident, or I've been the one who's wanted one. I wish I could believe him.

I should never have agreed to watch Clare while Maddy was at her witchcraft lessons. Holding her, listening to her laugh, watching that baby smile light up her whole face... I'm already thinking about when I'll be holding this baby, watching him smile, and laugh, and...I'm even thinking of possible names! Damn it, it isn't fair. I don't want to forgive Lucien yet. I can't. If I do, it will just prove to him that he was right. That he can do something like this, and just have to weather a small storm, and everything will be fine. Gods, I wish I was stronger.

Amber, year 27, day 223 (Monday, December 5, 4)

Morning

Poor Maddy. I remember how much I hated having morning sickness when I was carrying Ana. Thankfully, she's the only child that ever gave me that kind of trouble. I'd certainly hate to be dealing with it with an infant to take care of. But Maddy seems to have forgiven Ishmael already, despite this. I knew she would. I guess that means I'll have to go home as well. I wonder if Lucien will even try to make amends?

How could he say that to me? Knowing how difficult that whole encounter with Ishmael was, and after what he's done to me... I had to leave. If I stayed, I was going to cry, and I won't give him that satisfaction. Gods, I'm so jealous of Maddy right now. Ishmael's being so sweet to her. He built her a new greenhouse, and he's been falling all over himself apologizing. I think he honestly means it when he says it was an accident. If only that was true of Lucien. He didn't even seem to notice that I was gone.

Evening

Maybe he did realize how much that hurt me, after all. I've never seen so many roses before. And the chocolates were wonderful. But best of all, he actually apologized. That got to me more than anything else. It made me cry all over again. I hate how pregnancy makes me do that. I love him so very much. I just wish he didn't make it so hard to love him, sometimes. He still maintains that he wanted this baby, and I want very badly to believe him. He blames it on feeling his age. I wonder why he's feeling so old now? Angelique? Working for Nicholas? I don't know. I wish he was more willing to talk to me about it.

Dorian. He likes the name Dorian. I suppose I should be glad he likes any of the names I thought of, although I still like Ian or Ryan better. Maybe I'll feel differently when he's finally born. I wasn't completely sure of Briana's name until I held her in my arms, and then I knew that was the perfect name for her. I can't wait to see what this one will look like. It's weird to think of him being able to adapt as I shift form - even if I shift into something non-humanoid. How is that possible? I should probably just be thankful that it is. Otherwise, I couldn't shapeshift during the pregnancy, and I find that I don't like that thought at all. If someone had told me I'd feel this way about shapeshifting 20 years ago, I never would have believed them. I still remember the first time Lucien shaped me, and how nervous I was about the whole idea. I was afraid I wouldn't be me anymore. Now, I hate the thought of not being able to shift. Strange, isn't it, how attitudes change over the years?

Amber, year 27, day 224 (Tuesday, December 6, 4)

Morning

Faerie is sending ambassadors to Amber. I'm hoping it's a sign that they want to avoid any future conflicts with us. Now that they've destroyed the Orb, which was what they've wanted to do all along, there's no reason not to try for peaceful relations. The question is, how soon will Nicholas forgive their stealing the Orb, when its destruction killed his sister?

Evening

It was a relief to see Benedict at the reception. It seems silly to be worried about him, of all people, and normally I probably wouldn't have, but he disappeared around the time when Finndo attacked Nicholas, and I observed enough of Finndo while I was his "guest" to know that he's very good. Better than Benedict? Hard to say. But they are brothers, and one has to wonder, who did Benedict learn from?

Nicholas is not doing well at all. It's like all of the fire has gone out of him. And while I've been on the wrong end of that grim determination of his, I find this new attitude far more disturbing. Whatever Ishmael is doing to help him, I'm not sure it's doing any good. I wish there was something I could do. But even if I could talk to Nicholas, why would he listen to me when he doesn't even seem to be listening to his friends?

I find I like L'Wren already. The way she stood her ground when Whimsy approached her, knowing that Whimsy had a Faerie Ward. She even shook hands. I know how difficult that was for her. She seemed happy to find someone who knew her language here, and I'm hoping maybe we can become friends. Macavery Mor wasn't quite as approachable, but maybe that's just my own bias coming out. I, or rather Loryn, was a Seelie faerie, after all. Grayson certainly seemed to like Macavery, though. Then again, I'm sure he would have hit on L'Wren as well, if she hadn't been talking to his mother. I'm still not sure what to do about him. Maybe I should ask Ishmael to talk to him. He had to adjust to going from Chaos to Amber, just like Grayson. Maybe he can offer some advice, or at least be someone Grayson can relate to. Eral knows, that doesn't seem to be me.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on August 27, 1999 by Kris Fazzari.