Amber, year 27, day 208 (Sunday, November 20, 4)

Morning

Now what's happened? Nothing good, I'm sure. Earthquakes in Amber never have minor causes. It's always something earth-shattering. The deaths of the Serpent and the Unicorn. The destruction of Ygg. The elimination of the Chasm. So what's gone wrong this time? Whatever it is, its destroyed my ring, the one Lucien gave me back when I was first pregnant with Morgan and Jalana. The one that warns me when I'm in danger. That doesn't bode well. At least the quake wasn't a big one, and the younger children all seem to be OK. It wasn't big enough to cause any structural damage, so I don't think we have to worry about another tsunami. Thank the gods for small favors. I wonder if Lucien's ring is gone too? I have to find him. Maybe he'll know what's going on.

I can't believe it's gone. I don't want to believe it. I'm sure it seems small of me to be upset about its loss, when so much worse could have happened, but...I liked being able to conjure things. It was easy. It was convenient. And it was, well, wondrous. To me, at least. I could make something out of nothing. How could I not find that amazing? And it came so easily to me. I was actually good at it. I liked having something I was really good at, something I understood from the moment that Driscoll first showed me how. Something I had a knack for. The only thing, really. I know how to do a lot of other things, but none of them are so clear, so obvious. And I had so much fun with it. All that time I spent timing the dissipation rate of objects, just so I could surprise Lucien by making my dress disappear. He always loved it when I did that. Maybe because it was always a surprise to him. And now I can never do it again. I think I'll miss that the most. Not that I won't miss the other aspects of it. It certainly made life easier when the children were in diapers. Or when I needed the unexpected weapon. I know I only knew how to conjure for a decade or so, whereas I lived more than half a century without it, but it became a part of me during that time. It's funny, when I was trapped in Loryn's body, what kept throwing me was not my lack of Pattern. I barely even noticed that. It was my inability to conjure anything. I really missed that. And now it's gone for good.

At least I have Morglyph to serve me until I have time to remake Alastor into what it was before. Which will mean going into Shadow now. Ugh. I hate the thought of that. Conjuring the changes to Alastor was such a personal process. Like I imbued it with a part of myself. Not to mention the fact that I didn't have to leave home to do it. With my responsibilities to the children, and the hospital, and the University, it's hard to find the time to go running off into Shadow. Especially since we don't know what else may have been affected by the destruction of the Orb. Conjuration was the most obvious, but Morglyph lost its Pattern properties as well, so something must have happened to the Pattern. But I can still sense its presence, so it's not inactive, the way it was when the Jewel of Judgment was shattered. It makes no sense. If shattering the eye that created it nullified the Pattern's power, then why didn't shattering the Orb, which contained that same eye, have the same effect? I suppose I shouldn't be wondering why things didn't turn out worse, but the scientist in me likes for things to make sense, and this just doesn't.

Lucien is certainly taking the whole thing in stride. I guess to him this isn't all that earth-shaking a change. I mean, he remembers when the Pattern was created. The loss of what most people consider a minor power probably doesn't warrant much of a reaction for him. He'll just adapt to life without it. He always does. Sometimes I envy him that ability to keep moving forward, without ever seeming to look back. Except that I know he does, sometimes. Not for something as relatively insignificant as this, of course, but for other things... I should probably take a lesson from that. Losing conjuration is relatively insignificant. I still have my family, my friends, my home, the things that really matter to me. Compared to that, having to get up and fetch my own food, or spend some time remaking my weapons, is a relatively minor thing. I'm going to have to get back in the practice of concealing weapons again. With the ability to simply make them, I'm afraid I've gotten rather lax. Maybe this will be a good thing. Maybe I was becoming too reliant on one power. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that this doesn't bother me. I think that's probably the truth. Conjuration was a minor power, that I can easily live without, but I still miss it very much. And I think I will for a while to come. At least until I stop reaching out to make something, and finding nothing there.

Vincent isn't answering my Trump calls. I can't help worrying about that. Is he all right? Did the destruction of the Orb affect Trump as well as conjuration? I don't feel any change in it, certainly nothing like what happened when the Chasm went away, but I'm hardly an expert on the subject. Could something have happened on a level too high for me to notice? I wish he would answer me.

That was a rather odd request, even for Whimsy. What could she have to talk to Vincent about? And why didn't she tell him when she spoke to him earlier? For that matter, why didn't he answer my calls when he obviously had time to talk to her? It's a relief to know that he seems to be all right, but... He could have spared five seconds to let me know that.

Afternoon

Curiouser and curiouser. Whimsy seemed unnaturally cheery at lunch, especially given the loss of conjuration. Considering how heavily she relied on it, I was expecting her to be somewhat bitter about it. And then there was her request to Flora to hold off on an announcement until she notifies a few people. Is this what she wanted to speak with Vincent about? What sort of an announcement would she need to have Flora make, anyway?

Whimsy did confirm my suspicion that the Pattern has been affected by the Orb's destruction. She says all of its higher functions are no longer working. Tamaryn said the same is true of the Logrus. I suppose that would mean more to me if I'd ever known what those higher functions were. Probably Pattern teleportation, for one thing. I'd always meant to learn how to do that, someday, especially after the ability to teleport via sorcery went away with the Disc. I didn't know Whimsy had been focusing her efforts in that arena, however. Then again, there's probably a lot I don't know about what Whimsy spends her time on.

There was no sign of Nicholas at lunch, or most of my aunts and uncles, for that matter. Not too surprising, all things considered. I wonder how Nicholas is taking the news? Just losing the Orb was probably hard enough, especially since he relied so heavily on it. But to know it is destroyed beyond all hope of recovery... I doubt he's taking that well. I can't say I'll miss it, though. If it wasn't for the fact that it took conjuration with it, I'd be overjoyed to know it was gone for good.

Still no response from Vincent. Why won't he answer me?

I'm not sure Mother has even noticed the loss of conjuration yet. I'm afraid to mention it, just in case she hasn't. It's hard to say how she'll react. She was more skilled with it than anyone else I know. Maybe she'll just try to pretend it didn't happen, the way she tried to pretend her pregnancy with Devlin wasn't happening. At least Jalana doesn't seem too upset about it, but she's still young. It makes it easier to adapt to this sort of change.

Ishmael finally seems to have crawled out of his hole. Thank the gods. Did Nicholas get my note and talk some sense into him? I don't suppose it matters, so long as something worked. I just wish I knew what happened to put him in such a state in the first place.

Evening

The bonfire was a wonderful idea. I must remember to thank Ishmael for inviting us. The children had such fun, and it was impossible not to be infected by their enthusiasm. I think that's one of the things I enjoy so much about children. They find such joy in the simple things in life.

Amber, year 27, day 209 (Monday, November 21, 4)

Morning

Leave it to the universe to provide me with bigger problems. The loss of conjuration seems somewhat less significant when compared to the news Gavin brought me. One of his men was killed by a vampire last night. Which means that either Shard did it, or there's another vampire loose in Amber. I'm not sure which thought troubles me more. I can't believe Shard did it, though. He only goes after criminals, and Gavin claims this man was not involved in such pursuits. But if it wasn't Shard, then how did the other vampire get to Amber? Shard is the only one who had access to a power that could cross Shadow. Except... I know that Brand gave Lasker a Trump deck, in exchange for his assistance in...detaining me. Undoubtedly there was a Trump of Amber in that deck. But if the vampire was Lasker, why is he coming to Amber now, after all of this time? What is he doing here? Gods, if it is him, I hope he doesn't remember me.

The most frightening thing about there being a vampire loose in Amber, is that there isn't much that can be done to stop one, not if he's old enough. Faerie magic won't work on one, and Shard, at least, has always been faster than I am, so even if you have a sword or stake at hand, getting in a lethal blow would be difficult. And then there's the power of their mind... The last time I encountered Lasker, I never even got the chance to try to fight him, or to run away. I was helpless to do anything, really, but stand there and let him...I still get chills remembering it. Lucien told me that the bite I had taken from Shard made me more susceptible than I normally would have been, and the effects of both bites have long since been erased by the Pattern, but still... The thought of going through that again, unable to run, or scream, or move... Brand is the only other creature who has ever made me feel so powerless. I suppose it was too much to hope that his rebirth would be the end of it.

Until this vampire can be identified and stopped, it won't be safe to go out at night. I've instructed the servants not to admit anyone after dark, and I warned the girls, Mother and the older children to stay indoors after sunset. All except Vincent, who still won't answer me. Damn it, you would think that being the Avatar of Trump would make it easier to contact him, not more difficult.

Afternoon

Lucien's off on another mysterious task. I hate it when that happens. I can't help wondering where he is, what he's doing...and whether he's been sent to kill someone. It still bothers me greatly that he does that. You'd think I would have gotten used to it by now, but I just can't seem to accept it. Not after having gotten used to his retirement. I try my best not to think about it, but each time he leaves it gets harder and harder to ignore.

I passed on my theory about Lasker to Random, since Gavin mentioned he'd spoken to him about the death of his employee. Random wants to call in the Trump Avatars. If it is Lasker, they might be able to curtail his movement. Assuming that it is Lasker. Or that he intends to leave Amber, now that he's here. At least Random took the task of contacting Brand, leaving me to contact Vincent. Talking to Brand about this would have been rather awkward. He was the one who freed Lasker, after all. And sent him after me. I think Brand finds it difficult enough to speak to me, knowing that he raped me. Knowing about Lasker would only make it harder.

I feel much better now that I know Vincent is all right. I know he's 17, and that with Sand's memories he's even older mentally, but to me he's still my child. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop worrying about any of my children, no matter how old they get. He did have a point, though. If Trump are so difficult to destroy, and he's an Avatar of Trump... It would probably take an awful lot to harm him. Still, when you've lived through the deaths of the Unicorn and the Serpent, it's hard to forget that anything can die. Even gods. But at least he should be safe from the vampire.

Ishmael is so dense, sometimes. What did he think Vincent would do, when he learned that Edwin raped Whimsy? Shrug and say it was OK? Does Ishmael think Vincent never learned that I was raped? And then he has the nerve to ask me to help him stop Vincent. Side with a rapist against my own son? What could he have been thinking? Still, I suppose I should at least let Whimsy know what's going on. She may regard Edwin as hers to punish.

Whimsy has finally explained everything, but it seems so unreal. Edwin never raped her. It was his twin brother, Wesley, who was responsible. So she killed the right man, after all. But now she has to marry Edwin and produce an heir, to make up for how she disposed of Wesley. It's so unfair. Whimsy shouldn't be forced to marry anyone, much less a man who looks just like the one who raped her. Wesley got exactly what he deserved. But I can hardly object when Whimsy isn't willing to. Gods, no wonder Vincent was so upset.

Now I know why Ishmael dropped out of sight after we returned from Faerie. Whimsy went and told Maddy that he was a hostage there, knowing how it would upset her. Poor Maddy. Ishmael must have been livid. I must admit, I was angry myself when Whimsy told me about it. Maddy doesn't deserve such treatment. Whimsy says she was only doing it to teach Ishmael not to stick his nose into other people's business. Given how Ishmael was willing to hurt my children when he was trying to prevent me from going to Chaos, it's hard to argue that she did anything to him that he hasn't inflicted on others. And she's right that if Ishmael keeps going on this way, he'll eventually interfere with someone who might do more than just make Maddy worry. But Maddy hadn't done anything to deserve being hurt that way. I wish Whimsy could have found a way to make her point without involving her.

Gods, it never even occurred to me that the Pattern and Logrus Avatars might have been affected by the Orb's destruction. But if Suhuy is no longer an Avatar, then Nimue... She must truly be dead now. Unlike Suhuy, she had no body, only the Pattern's energy to sustain her. Poor Nicholas. No wonder there's been no sign of him. First his parents, then Beauty, now his sister... How does he bear it? I'm not sure I could.

So much for Whimsy's plans to apologize to Maddy. I passed along her offer to Ishmael, who told me to tell her to fuck herself. Not that I reacted much differently towards him when he was the one who had hurt my children. But still, he had no call to be so pissy with me about it. I was just the messenger.

Lucien is back, much sooner than I was expecting. And he wasn't sent to kill anyone! I'm so relieved. It was just the opposite, in fact. He found Ronan! I had begun to think we'd never know what happened to him. But what Leto did to him... It's horrible. She turned him into a dog. She may have even bred him in that form. And for what? Not for anything that Ronan did to her. No, she did it because she wanted to hurt Eric. What was Oberon thinking in forcing Eric to marry that witch in the first place? Lucien thinks I should wait a bit before trying to see Ronan, since it's going to take him a while to adjust to being human again, and it would humiliate him to be seen that way. I can see his point. I just pray Ronan is able to recover, eventually.

Evening

At least Ishmael was in a better mood, this time. I probably wouldn't have Trumped him at all, but I wanted to make sure he knew about the vampire. It's a good thing I did. He was about to head out looking for Meander. Apparently Vincent suggested Meander as someone who could help erect some protection against faeries, since he can still use magic. I could have told Ishmael that. Why is it that no one ever asks me anything? Since Ishmael doesn't have a Trump of Meander, I've offered to contact him in Ishmael's stead. Actually, I originally offered to lend Ishmael my Trump of Meander, but he was afraid Meander would fry his brain, just because he doesn't know him. Where does Ishmael get these ideas? I'd hardly suggest he Trump someone I knew if I thought that would be their reaction. Sometimes I forget how paranoid Ishmael can be.

There was a time when I could have just conjured a stake, instead of grabbing a suitable substitute while I was out of the room. Then again, there was a time when I would have answered Shard's knock at the window without feeling the need to arm myself, or warn Lucien that I was speaking to him. Or speaking to someone I believed was him. I felt rather silly when it turned out that Shard just wanted to warn me of the other vampire. I hope he understood the reasons for my hesitation. It's not that I don't trust him, but I still remember how, when I first saw Lasker, I thought that he was Shard. Now maybe that was Brand's doing, but I just don't feel like taking any chances. I hope Shard doesn't either. I'd feel terrible if something happened to him.

Gods, it's a busy night tonight. Why on earth did Alexandra Trump me if she wanted to speak to Lucien? Maybe she just wanted to make sure I knew the purpose for her visit, given the hour and her...reputation. It would explain why she asked if my husband was available, rather than referring to him by his name. Or maybe she thought I might blame her for my imprisonment by Finndo. But, as I said when we got back, it's not her fault that her husband is an asshole. I'd be rather hypocritical if I held that against her. From what she told Lucien, it sounds like she was as inconvenienced by the loss of conjuration as I was. She isn't planning to try and replace the items she lost, however. Rather, she wishes to improve her level of shapeshifting to make up for them. From the way she and Lucien were talking, it sounds like she's already much better than I am. What was odd was how Lucien claimed that it's been a while since he's taught anyone besides the children. Why did he not mention the lessons he's been giving me? An effort to keep my new skills a secret? Why bother? I'll give that away the first time I have to shift in public. Sometimes I don't understand how his mind works.

I think I've managed to reach everyone I need to warn about the vampire. Although Grayson proved surprisingly difficult. Did he honestly think I'd be fooled by that gamour of his? Eral, I know better than most how annoying it is to get Trumped when you're having sex, but I wouldn't be Trumping him if it wasn't important. You'd think he'd realize that. But he just looked annoyed because I was interrupting his fun. His lack of responsibility is beginning to worry me. I had hoped that after some time to adjust to being in Amber, he'd settle down a bit. Maybe I did him a disservice by taking in his children and their mothers. I thought I was helping him, and them, but in doing so I protected him from the consequences of his actions. Maybe it would be good for him if they came to live with him now. It might teach him some of the responsibility he is sorely lacking. And it could be good for his sons, as well. While he does spend time with them, he's been more like a friendly uncle to them than the father they need.

It was such a simple solution! I'm embarrassed that it didn't occur to me. I just figured that such a complex problem would have to have a complex answer. Sometimes it takes an outsider to point out the obvious. I've long since forgotten how strange the idea of the Disc seemed to me the first time we traveled there. But Ishmael, hearing of it for the first time, saw what Meander and I could not. While I was busy thinking of what power could work in the Abyss, and what means might be used to establish a connection to the Disc, Ishmael just asks, "Why don't we lure the World Turtle out?" Why not indeed? It seems so obvious, in retrospect. Now all we need is a spell that will lure the Turtle out. Gods, it would be wonderful to see Looks Twice again. And to have access to a better means of protection against faeries than we currently possess. Not that I think they'll be bothering us, now that they have what they wanted. But it never hurts to be safe, and maybe this will calm the people like Ishmael who are seeing a faerie invasion in every shadow. The last thing we need is for someone to go off and start a war that never would have happened otherwise. Plus, there are vampires on the Disc. Maybe there are spells for protecting against them, as well. Even if there aren't, it feels so good to be doing something, at least.

The look on Lucien's face when I told him what we were trying to do was absolutely priceless! Heh. I do so love surprising him like that.

It really looks like we might actually be able to pull this off. Alex has a spell that will do the trick, and we have the permission of the Emperor. Now we just have to wait until dawn. Not that we couldn't cast the spell now, but given the energy we'll be releasing, it really should be cast outdoors. And I'm sure the vampire would consider a group of Amberites standing around absorbed in spellcasting a very nice midnight snack. Better to avoid the risk and cast the spell in the morning. At least we'll be well-rested then.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on June 3, 1999 by Kris Fazzari.