Amber, year 22, day 106 continued

Afternoon

The children seem to have recovered fully, thank the gods. At least physically. Do they even know what happened? None of them have asked me about it. They're a bit quiet, but no more so than they would be after any illness. Of course, they've never actually been sick before. I hope they'll be all right. I wish Lucien would get back soon. I need to know what really happened. And who...died. There were so many bodies... It's nerve-wracking to sit here knowing that someone I cared for could be dead, and I don't even know it yet. Not Mother, thank the gods, she dropped by with Devlin to see how I was doing. But what about Maddy? Or Isabeux? Or Beauty? Or Lavender's children?

Lavender's children are fine as are Maddy and Isabeux. But Beauty... She was so young...too young to die so soon. She's only a few years older than my children, and she's suffered through so much... It isn't fair that she should lose her life now, when things were finally looking up. And what of her baby? Who will care for him now? Nicholas? I fear that Nicholas may not be able to give the love such a small child requires. And if he can't, what will that do to a child already deprived of his mother?

I suppose it's selfish of me to feel so badly about one person's death when so many died, and I do feel horribly about all of them. Especially the children who were left without parents. Who will take care of them now? Some have relatives, but what about those who don't? Random said that hasn't been decided yet. Part of me wants to offer to take them in, but what about my own children? Having one more child is one thing, but having eight or more, all at once? How could I possibly care for them along with the six that I already have? It wouldn't be fair to them. But it's not fair to abandon those poor children, either. Maybe someone else will step forward. I don't know what I'll do, otherwise.

I wonder if they've caught the poisoner yet? I hope they do so soon. The thought of someone that malicious running around loose sends a shiver through my spine. Who knows what they might do next?

Amber, year 22, day 107 (Sunday, February 18, 0)

Morning

Vincent is teaching Whimsy Trump now. I find this a bit disturbing, given that Fiona only started teaching him a few months ago. Was she ever really teaching him, I wonder, or just monitoring the extent of his power?

Afternoon

Maddy seems to be doing well, and amazingly, so is her baby. I guess he's inherited his father's durability. Thank the gods. A small miracle in the midst of all this tragedy.

Evening

I've written to Fiona asking to borrow any materials she may have on the topic of ghosts. I don't imagine that she's going to have time to take a look at Vincent now, at least not for a while, but I'm hoping she won't mind if I do a little research in the meantime. At least this way I'll be asking her less questions.

Amber, year 22, day 108 (Monday, February 19, 0)

Evening

Fiona's books and notes have proved interesting, but unfortunately not very helpful. She's encountered the ghosts of Oberon, Corwin and Sand in the castle, and thinks they are tied to time and space that the Pattern exists in. But obviously not the Primal Pattern, or they would be appearing in Avalon. Unless they can manifest near any Pattern. The rest is all theory and conjecture, though. Theoretically, if a ghost possesses a weak body, it could use its own abilities along with those of the host body. Which would explain the jump in Vincent's mental strength. Sand always had a very strong mind. And Vincent definitely was quite weak after the Planes of Trump merged. He nearly died, after all. But even Fiona has no idea what would happen in the case of such a possession. If Sand has possessed Vincent, is she controlling him completely, or just lurking in the background, whispering in his mind? And if she is in there, how do we get her out again? I have to find a way. I can't believe that her intentions towards Vincent are benign. Even death can't have changed Sand that much.

None of this seems to bother Lucien all that much. It drives me crazy that he shows so little interest in this. He's perfectly content to leave it in Fiona's hands. I wish I could be as sanguine about the matter. How can he be so unconcerned about his own child's welfare?

Amber, year 22, day 109 (Tuesday, February 20, 0)

Afternoon

The more I talk to Gavin, the more disturbed I become. This is one matter of Lucien's that I want no part of, beyond delivering Gavin's message. He doesn't even look like himself anymore. Well, not much. I'm not sure I would have recognized him if he hadn't been announced. Stranger still, the fact that he looks like himself at all seems to be a problem for him. Somehow, he's reverting back to his true form, despite the fact that Lucien changed him. I didn't think that was possible. What could do that? And why did Lucien change him in the first place? I didn't ask. I don't want to know. The reasons are all dark ones, I am sure.

Amber, year 22, day 110 (Wednesday, February 21, 0)

Morning

My worries about the orphaned children have finally been laid to rest. Felix is taking in his Loretto relatives, while Ishmael and Maddy are taking in the rest. That will mean four more children for Tamaryn to watch over, since I'm sure she'll wind up doing most of the child care. At least I hope she does. I've seen how well Felix does at watching children. She'll love it, though. She's always wanted children. And Ishmael and Maddy must be terribly excited, too. I wish them all luck. Taking in children who have suffered as much as these have won't be easy. And it will certainly keep Ishmael busy. Let's see how he handles having children of his own to deal with.

Afternoon

I couldn't help dropping in on Ishmael and Maddy, to congratulate them and see if there's anything I could do to help. Ishmael liked the idea of having my children play with his, and plans to train the older boys with mine, too. I offered to train the girls if he won't, assuming any of them are interested. They can't all be like Jalana. Best of all, they offered to let me make use of the tutors they hired as well. I was a bit hesitant at first, until Maddy assured me that she picked them out herself. If we wind up staying in Amber now, instead of returning to Middlecourt, at least I won't have to go through the effort of hiring tutors for the third time. I'm getting tired of all of this moving back and forth. And getting the children to the classes won't be all that difficult, now that Ishmael's given his approval for me to draw a Trump of an area near his estate. I wonder if I can persuade Mother to let Devlin attend the classes too?

I also asked Ishmael to keep an eye on Vincent while he's there. I haven't noticed any strange behavior lately, but the more eyes I have on him, the better I'll feel. If Sand is controlling him, she has to slip up sometime. I just wish I knew what to do if she does.

Amber, year 22, day 111 (Thursday, February 22, 0)

Morning

They've announced the name of the person responsible for poisoning everyone at the ball, but I can't believe it's true. Maris would never do something like this. I know I only met her once, but she saved Gavin's life. Hardly the act of someone bent on killing all of the nobility. And none of her writings ever advocated this kind of violence. There must be some kind of mistake.

Afternoon

It appears the mistake was mine, for believing that any true justice was sought. Maris is being used as a convenient scapegoat, because someone has to be punished and Nicholas considers her guilty of treason anyway for what she wrote. But to be hung, drawn and quartered just for writing a few pamphlets. It isn't right. Why isn't he doing this to the true culprit? What possible reason could there be for covering it up? Lucien knows, I'm sure, but he can't discuss it with me. He wouldn't even admit that Maris is being framed, but I could tell it by what he said. And what he didn't say. He told me to trust him, that I must not interfere in this, but how can I just stand idly by while a woman is tortured to death for a crime she didn't even commit? Even if, as Lucien says, Nicholas would have killed her anyway. I don't know if I can. But I don't know what else to do.

Amber, year 22, day 113 (Saturday, February 24, 0)

Evening

Maris' execution is tomorrow, and I am no closer to an answer than I was when I began. I can't eat or sleep for thinking about it. Even if I am willing to free her, knowing I would have to flee Amber and never return, it simply can't be done. Benedict is in charge of her security, and I am not so naive as to believe that I can outmaneuver him. Any attempt I make will simply earn me a cell alongside Maris'. And perhaps her fate as well. While I might be willing to risk that for myself, I have the children to think of, and Lucien. I still remember Jalana's words when I returned from the Chaos rescue mission. Maris is not as important to me as they are. Much as the thought of letting her die pains me. I cannot even think of a way to spare her pain before she dies. I thought perhaps I could try to block the pain psychically, but I can't do that without touching her, and I'm certain that won't be allowed. There just doesn't seem to be anything I can do. But there must be something...

Middlecourt year 22, day 114 (Sunday, February 25, 0)

Afternoon

I have run out of time, and so has Maris. She must be dead by now. I couldn't save her, and I couldn't help her, so instead I ran away. I couldn't bear the thought of watching her die. I couldn't even bear to be in the same Shadow when such an atrocity took place. Part of me wants to keep running and never go back. But of course I must. There are the children to consider. But I were free to choose...

Amber year 22, day 115 (Monday, February 26, 0)

Afternoon

The children seem to have survived yesterday's events unscathed. Of course, that was the point of leaving them at Ishmael's estate, far away from the execution. Ishmael says that he's been noticing Trump energy coming out of Vincent, though. I'm not sure what to make of that. Or what I can possibly do about it, for that matter.

I should have been expecting Vincent to Trump out. I should have grabbed him before he did. Why was it so important to him to go into the city now? What could he possibly want there? And how am I going to find him?

It's like some horrible dream. Brand is back, just as he was in my nightmare. Only it's not quite the same. He has a beard, for one thing, and he seems...different. For one thing, he didn't do anything to me when I fainted. I still can't believe I did that. It was just seeing him so unexpectedly like that, everything started spinning... The past few days catching up with me, no doubt. When I think of what he could have done... But he didn't. What is he doing here? It's his death if Nicholas finds him.

Irene was behind the poisoning, thanks to some programming of Brand's. I should have known. I knew something was wrong with her. Why didn't I try harder to warn people? I should have made them listen to me. All those people might not have died. So many dead now. The Feyans too, if Brand is to be believed. Killed by the merging of the Planes of Trump. Poor Ona. I know how I felt watching Vincent wracked with fever, hovering near death. What must she have felt, to see all of her children die like that?

Just once, I'd like to be paranoid about something and be wrong about it. Sand was in Vincent, just like I suspected. It was horrible to hear his voice speaking the hateful words that could only come from her. And she had the nerve tell me to stay out of it. As if I could, when she held my son. Her son, too. How could she do this to her own child? She would have killed him if I hadn't stopped Brand. She was willing to murder her own son rather than release her hold on him. Brand called her wicked, but that doesn't even begin to describe her. If only she'd let go, I'd have my little boy back again. Now, I'm not sure what I have. Brand merged her with him, somehow. Vincent has her memories, but she no longer controls him. But he has to have changed. How could he not? To know all of the horrible things she did...it would change anyone. I want to weep with sorrow for the loss of his innocence, and joy that he still lives at all, all at the same time. But it isn't over yet. Brand still wants to make Vincent another Avatar of Trump. Like himself. It doesn't make any sense. Why does Trump need three Avatars, when the other powers only have one? And why Vincent? He's too young. He's only 12. He deserves a chance to grow up before taking on the burdens of such a power. I would fight to protect him from it, but...he doesn't want to be protected. He sounds so sure of himself now. If this is truly what he wants, I will not stop him.

The worst moment was watching him step into the fire. It's one thing to talk about bathing in the Fount of Power. It's another thing entirely to watch your son step into a pillar of flame. I nearly couldn't let him go. It seemed like an eternity passed before the flames were absorbed into him, and I couldn't stop myself from hugging him tightly to me when he emerged. I was afraid he would wind up like Suhuy, bound to the power he now represents, but it seems Brand was telling the truth after all. He can go home with me. I'm not sure what kind of a future he has ahead of him now, a boy with the mind of an adult and the power of an Avatar. But at least I have him back.

I imagine there is some irony in the fact that the man who brought such torment upon me in his old life, should do me such a great favor in his new one. I owe him a debt I cannot easily repay now. The least I can do is give him a fresh start. For Grayson's sake, as well. I just wish he had chosen a different name. The beard makes it easier to forget who he was, but the name will always conjure bad memories for me. Perhaps that will fade, in time. He seems so unlike the old Brand. He told me he was sorry for what he did to me. I know he doesn't remember any of it, but hearing that brought a measure of peace to me that I didn't know I lacked.

My heart leapt to hear Vincent's words after he Trumped us back to Ishmael's estate. He said it was "cool." The power was that of an Avatar, but the response was that of a 12-year-old boy. Perhaps some of the boy he was survives in him still. I hope with all of my heart that this is so. Ishmael is talking to him now, and if anyone can inspire immaturity, it's Ishmael. For once I find myself grateful for that effect.

Evening

Roses. The man would have to give me roses. And so many of them. I just had to cry. How can he be so utterly cold and heartless, and just plain infuriating, and then do something so sweet? How am I supposed to stay angry with him when he does this? I can't, not when it's not him I'm really angry at. I'm angry at Nicholas, and most of all myself. Nicholas for doing such a horrible thing, and myself for being too weak to stop him. I knew Maris was innocent of poisoning all those people, I knew it in my heart, and yet I did nothing to save her. She died a horrible, painful, lingering death, and I...did...nothing. I let her die. How am I supposed to live with myself for that? I tried to think of a way to save her, true, but that amounts to nothing. I tell myself that there was nothing I could have done, and that trying would merely have included me in Nicholas' anger without helping Maris at all. So I did nothing. For all the right reasons, and yet for all the wrong ones too. For by saying nothing, by doing nothing, I feel like I have allowed a terrible wrong to be committed. I once read that all that is required for evil to prosper is for good people to remain silent. And I feel like that is what I have done.

There is one good thing to come out of this, I guess. Lucien did leave me free to make my own decision on the matter. I may not like the decision I made, but it was mine. He could have easily stopped me. I know he wanted to. Knowing that he didn't, despite how difficult that was for him, helps ease the pain a bit. Ever since he altered my mind, after I learned that Grayson was lost, there's a part of me that's feared he might do it again. And if ever there was an occurrence which might tempt him to do so, this was it. But he didn't. I know he would have tried to stop me if I'd actually tried anything, but that was far riskier than just stopping me at the beginning. I hope he knows how much that meant to me.

Amber year 22, day 116 (Tuesday, February 27, 0)

Morning

I have come up with a means of repaying Brand for what he did for Vincent. He needs to inform Nicholas of his new status as an Avatar, but Nicholas will likely kill him on sight. Maybe if I go with him, I can persuade Nicholas to hold off at least long enough to listen to what Brand has to say. I owe him at least that chance.

Gavin has a child. A half-demon child, actually. Thankfully, her demonic half appears to be recessive, and she is such a sweet little baby. Maybe it's my own desire to have another child, but even knowing what she is, I couldn't help fussing over her. She's been sadly neglected, I would assume by her demon mother. I hope Gavin will treat her better. The poor thing can't help what her mother was.

I guess Lucien never got back to Gavin about his earlier message. He shifted him to another form this time, but made a comment about how it was only going to get worse. Why would the shifting become harder? And why does he need a different form in the first place? I repeated my mantra about dark reasons and didn't ask.

How could Lucien do this? How could he agree to come out of retirement? Even if it is at Nicholas' order, he doesn't have to do this. We could move to Faerie. Or find someplace out of Nicholas' reach. Gods, I was so happy when he actually retired. To think I actually believed he meant it. Hah! If he'd really been wanting to quit for such a long time, he would have tried harder not to start doing it again. It was bad enough before, knowing what he was, what he did, but at least then I had the hope that someday he would stop. And it was so wonderful when he did. But now, I don't even have that hope anymore. How could he do this?

Afternoon

There was a moment there, in that instant when I leapt in front of Vincent, when I was certain that I was going to die. I remember thinking that there was so much more that I wanted to do. I wish I could recall more of what that was now. I wonder, if Nicholas had actually been aiming at Vincent instead of at Brand, would my body have been enough to save him? Or would the bolt just have burned through me and hit him anyway? Not something that occurred to me at the time. Much to my surprise, I find I'm not quite so angry at Lucien anymore. Funny how a near-death experience will do that. I still don't like the idea of him being an assassin again, but I think I can talk to him about it now.

It's not as bad as I'd feared. From the sound of it, Nicholas hasn't actually used Lucien kill anyone yet. He just wants him available should the need arise. While I still don't particularly like this, at least he's not going back to being an assassin full-time. I suppose I was fooling myself to think that Lucien could stay uninvolved with the power structure here, now that Amber and Chaos are united. He spent so many years as the right arm of the King of Chaos, it's only natural that he gravitate towards that role again. As a Lord of Chaos, I think his pride was all that kept him from attempting any involvement before. I told him I didn't understand why he was going back to this, after all he had said before about wanting to retire, but maybe I do. I think maybe he convinced himself that he wanted to retire at the time, since he had little alternative. But things have changed since then. As he said, he has a fresh vision and a new world now. I just hope he's envisioned a role in which he spends more time gathering information, and less time assassinating people.

I wasn't expecting to hit such a nerve with him. I was just irritated because he told me that getting Brand's help was a poor choice, given the situation with Nicholas. I thought he was referring to my allowing Brand to help Vincent, which took some nerve after all of the times I tried and failed to get his help with that. Maybe I wouldn't have needed Brand's help if he'd had some time to spare for his own son. I guess he's feeling some guilt over that, despite his words to the contrary. Why else would he have gotten so defensive about it? But it turns out he was referring to my trying to get Nicholas to listen to Brand this morning. I have to admit, it wasn't my favorite thing to do either, but I owed Brand for helping Vincent. It would have been nice if I'd found another way to repay it, but if Nicholas had killed him on the spot, I'd never have that chance, would I? I hope Nicholas understands that, someday, when his grief over Beauty's death is not so strong. In the meantime, I'm going to do my best to stay out of his way. Moving out of the castle should help immensely in that regard. I suppose there's some irony in the fact that, even changed as he is, Brand is still wreaking havoc in my life.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on December 18, 1998 by Kris Fazzari.