Middlecourt, year 22, day 102 continued

There will be a ball in two day's time to celebrate Nicholas' return. I'll have to see if any of the older children are interested in attending. Lucien will go, of course, which means I will be there as well. Too many people would jump to the wrong conclusions if I failed to attend. And I am glad that Nicholas succeeded. I'm just not particularly looking forward to another event in which I must wear one of those awful corsets.

It was good to talk to Tamaryn again. With Vincent's illness, and my relocation to Middlecourt, I haven't seen all that much of her recently. She seems to be doing well, as are her children. She's quite excited about the approaching wedding, although it doesn't sound like Felix has actually set a specific date in spring for the event yet. It worries me that he seems so reluctant in his approach to this marriage. What if he's only doing this to avoid being married off to someone else? Gods, I hope that's not the case. Tamaryn's wanted this for so long, and she deserves to be happy. I'm still concerned about her safety, what with the odd behavior I noticed in Irene last fall. Tamaryn still thinks I'm exaggerating, unfortunately. I'm thankful that the party Irene wished to throw in celebration of their engagement wound up getting postponed. I don't trust her motives. Why would she want to celebrate the engagement of a man she clearly feels abandoned her?

I wound up telling Tamaryn about the whole situation with Angelique. I needed to talk to someone about it who is familiar with Chaos. Someone other than Lucien. He gets very tense whenever I mention her, and I'd rather not add to the stress he's under right now. Tamaryn warned me that anyone trying to change the profession of House Vetch will be destroyed, one way or another. Lucien's daughters only want him to return because they believe he could bring the house back to its former glory. If he doesn't appear to be doing that, they'd happily kill him. It makes me cold all over just thinking about it. I can't let Lucien go back to Chaos, knowing this. I just can't. I won't allow him to risk himself that way. I'd rather stay here and take my chances with Angelique.

Tamaryn did point out something that should have occurred to me before. I shouldn't be avoiding Amber completely, for if I allow Angelique to drive me from my home, I'm losing ground to her. I told her I'd bring the matter up with Lucien. If he feels it's safe for me to go back there occasionally, then I will. I do need to spend more time working on the hospital, after all. There's only so much I can do from here.

Afternoon

As it turns out, I didn't need to ask Lucien about going to Amber, he brought the matter up himself. Angelique has given her word as a Sawall not to harm me or the children. Not that either of us intend to move the children back to Amber as a result of this, but it should be safe for me to go to Amber now. I find it troubling that Lucien didn't feel he could ask Angelique to include him in her promise, though. He believes she will kill him eventually. I can see it in his eyes, sometimes, and it makes me want to scream. Part of me fears that if she tries, he won't stop her. He feels so much guilt over everything he's done, he believes it's what he deserves. It's times like these that I think he's almost as bad as I am. And I'm finding that I don't like seeing him blaming himself any more than he does me.

I find it interesting that Angelique had to specify that it was her word as a Sawall. I suppose her word as a Vetch would not be trusted. Which is ironic, given that Lucien places great stake in his own word. I still marvel at how a man with so much pride and honor could bear to run a house whose very nature is so dishonorable. I can't let him go back to that. I won't. All of this may turn out to be moot, however, since Angelique has apparently withdrawn her request for him to go back Chaos, at least for the moment. She thinks more time is needed. I couldn't agree more. Maybe with more time we can think of a way out of this mess. I pray to the gods that this is true.

Amber

Gavin seems changed by his time in Chaos, and not in a good sense. There is something profoundly disturbing about him now. Or perhaps I should say there's something *more* profoundly disturbing about him. Ever since I learned that he had a demon dwelling in his head, I've found him disturbing. But he is worse now. What happened to him in Chaos to cause this? Perhaps Ishmael will know. Whatever the reason, I think it would be wise to avoid him entirely, right now.

I had hoped to talk to Whimsy about Edwin before she ran off and did something rash, but it appears that I am too late for that. Whimsy has already gone to Chaos in search of Edwin, and when I Trumped her she sounded rather irritated that she did not find him there. She threatened to burn down his entire House if he doesn't return soon. Hasn't there been enough death and destruction recently? Why must innocent members of Jesby suffer for what Edwin did? I did my best to change her mind, but she would not budge. I tried Ishmael next, hoping that he would be willing to talk to her. They did grow up together, after all. No such luck. He directed me to Nicholas, so I've written Nicholas a note about the situation. That's all I can do, really. If Whimsy does try to destroy Jesby, it will become Nicholas' problem anyway. Best that he knows about the danger now, when he might be able to stop it.

I wasn't terribly surprised that Angelique approached me while I was in the city. I was half expecting her to, really. After her talk with Lucien, she must have known I would return here. It was somewhat awkward talking to her, though. I want to like her, or at least to give her a chance without prejudging her. But it's very difficult to do so, knowing that she may very well be planning to kill my husband, or take him away from me. We mostly talked about our children, since they are one of the few common points of interest that we have. Angelique mentioned that she likes Amber because she feels safe here, and her daughter is safe. I find that ironic, since my children are in Middlecourt because Lucien thinks Amber isn't safe for them while Angelique is here. That, and it's been a long time since I've felt safe in Amber, anyway. I suppose it's all a matter of perspective, though. Compared to Chaos under Zane, I imagine Amber feels quite safe indeed.

Angelique spoke little of Chaos, although she did claim that after Nicholas' army invaded, many people were mysteriously released who were thought assassinated. The implication was that they were political enemies of Zane, and House Vetch had merely hidden them away for a while. Why did she feel it was important for me to know this? To lull me into thinking that the House really isn't all that bad? It will take more than that to convince me. Whoever leads House Vetch now could simply have realized that Zane would not be around forever, and decided it was in their best interests to keep his enemies on ice, knowing they and their houses would be suitably grateful when Zane was gone.

Angelique asked if we would let Anne-Marie meet her siblings. Part of me doesn't want to. It can only complicate things. But it's not fair to her to keep her isolated from her siblings, just because I don't trust her mother and would rather Angelique never laid eyes on my children. Besides, it wouldn't surprise me if Angelique already knows exactly what they all look like, anyway. I said I'd talk to Lucien about it. If he can't see any reason not to do it, then I guess it's all right. I intend to be there for the whole thing, however.

It's funny how one simple question can cause you to doubt your self-worth. I wonder if Angelique did that deliberately? She asked if I knew what a lady does in Amber, and for the life of me, I couldn't think of anything to tell her. It's not something I've ever thought about, really. Obviously, Angelique has. Maybe she would make a better wife for Lucien than I do. I keep telling myself that it's a foolish thought - Lucien knew what I was like before we got married, after all. But I can't stop thinking about it now. Does he wish I was more of a proper lady? Do I embarrass him when we're at formal occasions? Maybe that's why he always does his circulating at those events alone. Gods, if I feel this way after only talking for a few minutes with Angelique, how will I feel after we've spent an entire meal in each other's company? I had to accept her dinner invitation, though. There was no polite reason to refuse her. Eral, I hope I'm not making a mistake.

I really wasn't expecting to get a Trump call from Whimsy. The reason for her call surprised me even more. Edwin is in Amber. What business could he possibly have here? Rather than return to confront him, Whimsy has asked me to inform him that if he doesn't return within three days, she's going to burn down Jesbyways and everyone in it. I guess that means Nicholas has yet to take any action on the matter. I don't know why she chose me to pass along her message. Maybe she thought I'd understand the reasons for her anger better than Ishmael would. And I do, but the idea of threatening innocent people just doesn't sit well with me at all.

I found Edwin in the Hall of Mirrors, of all places. I recognized him immediately from the picture that Whimsy had drawn of him. He looks so harmless, it's hard to believe he did what he did to Whimsy. Then again, even Brand was capable of looking harmless, and look at the evil he did. I did my best to keep my expression neutral when I introduced myself and passed along Whimsy's message, emphasizing that Whimsy doesn't intend to kill him, she just wants a divorce. Given what happened the last time Whimsy found someone she thought was Edwin, I thought he might need such an assurance. Strangely, he said that he didn't go through this much to lose Whimsy so easily, and made some comment about this moving up the timetable for his meeting with the Emperor. Is Nicholas the reason he's in Amber then? What is he hoping to accomplish? He cannot possibly think Whimsy would want anything to do with him after what he put her through.

Middlecourt

Evening

Lucien doesn't see any reason not to have Anne-Marie meet the children, so it's all set for tomorrow afternoon in Amber. Angelique seemed surprised when I told her of the arrangements. I don't think she expected to be allowed to be present. I suppose that would be the wiser course, but it doesn't seem right to expect her to entrust her child to my care when I don't think I could do the same for her. I find myself touched that she was willing to trust me to that extent, although there is a nagging part of me that whispers that it could simply be another ploy. I do hope the children behave tomorrow. I'm not worried about Jalana or her sisters, but with the boys, it's hard to predict what they'll do.

Amber, year 22, day 103 (Wednesday, February 14, 0)

Afternoon

Well, I suppose that could have gone worse. Other than the squirt gun incident with Morgan, things went relatively smoothly. Jalana, at least, seems to really like Anne-Marie, but I had a feeling she would. Angelique wasn't pleased that I offered Angelique a squirt gun of her own to defend herself with, but Lucien says that's because a proper child of the Courts doesn't do such things. If Anne-Marie is any example, I'm glad my children aren't growing up there. Angelique couldn't have been too horrified, though, or she wouldn't have made arrangements to have the children spend time together again.

Evening

I was dreading the dinner with Angelique, but I actually think it went rather well. We spent most of the meal talking about the children again, and our differing views on raising them. I can understand why Angelique might feel it's best for children to be taught proper behavior young, rather than having freedom and then losing it, but I can't agree with her. Childhood is a treasure precisely because of that freedom to play and run and just be. To deprive a child of that is to rob them of something very precious. I could never do that to my children. Despite this difference of opinion, though, Angelique says she doesn't have any concerns about exposing Anne-Marie to my children, so long as they don't swear around her. I'll be very surprised, and disappointed, if they do. That's one area of behavior on which Angelique and I are in agreement.

Angelique also inquired about Edwin and Whimsy, wanting to know what there was between them. I guess news of Edwin's arrival in Amber has gotten around. I didn't tell her the reason he was here, of course. Whimsy is my friend, and I won't relate such a personal story about her. If Angelique truly wishes an answer to her question, she'll have to speak to the parties in question. At least she didn't seem offended by my unwillingness to answer. I guess that's a good sign. She wants to meet Tamaryn, though, and I must admit that set me on edge a bit. I suppose I'm still nervous over Irene's unnatural interest in Tamaryn. Angelique explained that she's heard that Tamaryn isn't like Lucien's other daughters, and she wants to see if that's true. Apparently Lucien's daughters in Chaos are the way Lucien used be, but worse, since they lack his pride or sense of honor. No wonder Lucien never would let me meet them. I said as much to Angelique, who admitted they probably would kill me if the opportunity ever presented itself. How lovely. No wonder Lucien is so nervous, lately.

Middlecourt

It's really strange to look at Lucien when he assumes my form. Rather disconcerting, really. Although it was fun to watch his expression when he began experiencing my emotions on things. And at least he finally understands how worried I've been about Vincent. I just wish he didn't have to actually become me before he could understand that. I was worried that once he was in my form, he'd find out about my secret cooking lessons, but that obviously wasn't the case. Just the opposite, in fact. He actually had the nerve to tell me that I can't cook! But I'll have my revenge. He left me the perfect opening to insist that I cook lunch for him tomorrow, and I did my best to make him think it will be simply dreadful. Heh. He looked so horrified when I insisted that I'd figure it out eventually. I can't wait to see his reaction tomorrow.

Poor Jalana looked rather disturbed when she walked in and saw two of me. I guess seeing her dad looking like her mom was a bit disconcerting. Lucien didn't help matters by mimicking me exactly, so she couldn't tell us apart. She took off rather quickly after that. She must get that prudish streak from Lucien. It certainly didn't come from me. I probably shouldn't have mentioned that to him, though. He cheats mercilessly in a tickle fight.

There are times when I wish Lucien wasn't quite so...I don't know. I guess sometimes I fear he loves me too much for his own good. He said he will never be able to deny me something that makes me happy. It makes me feel very loved to know that, but it makes me worry, too. What if I ask something of him that makes me happy but not him? Would he tell me, or would let me think it made him happy too? He said he thought he'd tell me, but that leaves room for the chance that he won't. I hate the thought of that. I don't want to make him unhappy. What if he really doesn't want another child, and is just going along with this for my sake? I have no way of knowing. All I can do is try to believe him when he says he wants this. I'm trying to cut down on the number of things I worry about, not add to them.

Speaking of which, I told Lucien what Angelique asked me yesterday afternoon. When I said I realized I had no idea what a lady does in Amber, he laughed for the longest time. Then he said he didn't think any amount of schooling would turn me into a proper lady. I was rather upset at that, until I realized that he obviously wasn't troubled at all by the idea. If it doesn't bother him, then I guess it would be foolish for me to let it bother me.

It's so odd to be lying here, knowing that a child could be starting to form within me right this very minute. I've never deliberately set out to conceive a child before. All of my pregnancies have been surprises. I wonder if I'll feel anything when it happens? It's a silly thought, I know. If anything could be felt, surely I would have noticed before. But I find myself listening for something, just the same.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on December 10, 1998 by Kris Fazzari.