Amber, year 22, day 5 (Wednesday, November 8, 2994)

Something is terribly wrong. I can't think for the nausea and the throbbing in my head. And Vincent... Vincent is far worse. My nose merely bleeds, but his gushes. I managed to regain consciousness, but he has not. And now he's having seizures. Why did Lucien have to go to Middlecourt today? What if he doesn't get back in time? He must. He'll be able to help Vincent. I know he will. He has to. If only I had the strength to heal him.

Amber, year 22, day 6 (Thursday, November 9, 2994)

Morning

Vincent is still gravely ill, and nothing Lucien can do seems to help. I still hurt too badly to even try. I wish I had never asked Ishmael to teach me Trump. I can't stand watching Vincent suffer and not being able to do anything to help him. All I can do is hold him while my head feels ready to explode. How much more horrible must it be for him? I wish I could draw his pain inside of me, but I can't. Gods, please, please, don't let me lose him. I beg you.

Afternoon

Lucien's previous wife is still alive. And she wants him back. Gods, just thinking about it makes me ill. And to make matters worse, he's the one who killed her. Or tried to. Because he was bored of her. It's too horrible to think closely about. I know that he's changed since then, but that doesn't mean I like being reminded of what he became after I...after Loryn died. Why did this woman have to come back now, after all this time?

The sad thing is, I can empathize with her. From the way Lucien describes her, she started off similar to me. Not exactly the same, but someone I think I would have liked. And she loved him so much that she became just like him, thinking that's what he wanted. And in doing so, she lost him. The irony is, if she hadn't changed, who can say what might have happened? She makes me more convinced than ever that I must be true to who I am, since it was changing to fit someone else's mold that was Angelique's downfall.

Whimsy seems to be recovering far faster than I am. I would envy her, were it not for what she told me today. Her father has become the new Avatar of the Logrus. She claims it doesn't matter, since she barely knew him anyway, but I can't believe she feels no pain over it. Maybe she didn't know him all that well, but now she'll never have the chance. It can't be easy to finally meet your father after a century, only to lose him again. Especially not now, with Fiona so very sick. Looking at Vincent, I can only imagine what Fiona's condition must be. I hope that Whimsy doesn't lose both of her parents now. She's already lost so much.

In all of my concern about Whimsy, I'd almost forgotten that Ishmael was doubtless ill as well. Poor Maddy doesn't know what's happening. I did my best to reassure her in my note. Ishmael must be going crazy, being laid up while Nicholas' army is preparing to depart, since I doubt they can afford to wait for him. I suppose he knows how I felt now, when he used Jalana to keep me from going to Chaos. The irony is that I couldn't have gone, anyway. I could never leave Vincent in this condition.

Middlecourt

Evening

I knew Lucien would move us from Amber. I could see it in his eyes when he spoke of Angelique earlier, so I had everything packed while he was gone. Well, I had others pack everything. When I tried getting out of bed, I almost threw up. I still can't seem to do anything other than lie here uselessly. I hate this.

Middlecourt, year 22, day 7 (Friday, November 10, 2994)

Morning

I had assumed Angelique's daughter was grown, but she is only a child of eight. I find this worrisome. Angelique obviously placed Anne-Marie in a slow Shadow or something, for her to have only aged eight years while so much time passed in Chaos. What is this woman's game? She claims she wants Lucien back because she loves him, then says she chose to make her claim now because she heard that he's changed. But if he's changed, how can she still love him when he's no longer the man she knew? I fear that she may be insane. Then again, I'm hardly one to talk. I know my full bloodline now, and it contains nothing but insanity. I have Angelique to thank for that bit of news, and I'm sure it was no accident. My father is Zane. Or perhaps I should say was Zane, for I'm sure that if he isn't dead now, he will be soon. Nicholas will see to that. Zane. In my wildest imaginings, I never suspected he was my father. Why would I? He seems to hate Amberites, so why would he marry one? I don't know. And I probably never will. Oh gods, wasn't Vincent's illness and Angelique's arrival enough?

I wish I could believe that Angelique was being honest with me. If she is, then the compromise we came up with might work. But Lucien said she was just like him, when he wasn't a very nice person at all. So how can I trust anything she says? I'm in way over my head, and I know it. I can't possibly hope to compete with her experience and subtlety, especially while I'm in this condition. But what choice do I have? I will not lose Lucien, not to anyone. If she wanted him so badly, she shouldn't have waited this long to reclaim him. I worked hard to bring him out of his shell. How dare she think she can just walk in and take him, now that he's become something she wants?

Afternoon

I didn't want to hear that her mind is stronger than Lucien's. That frightens me horribly. What if she decides to make Lucien love her? Even together, we might not be able to stop her. At least Lucien didn't think I was a complete idiot when I told him of our plan. He thinks it's best to play along, for now. What else can we do? If she's forced to press her claim, and it's rejected, Eral knows what she might try. She's obsessed with Lucien, and it makes me very nervous. Maybe spending time with him will convince her that he's not the man she fell in love with, and she will leave us alone. But I doubt it.

Middlecourt, year 22, day 36 (Saturday, December 9, 2994)

There are few more horrible experiences for a parent than to have your child be deathly ill and be able to do nothing to help him. Nothing at all. I'd seen it often enough when I was going to medical school, and even before that, when people would bring their sick children to my mother for help, but it's not something I ever experienced personally before. I wasn't prepared for how much it would hurt. We Amberite parents are spoiled in that regard. We never get sick, and neither do our children. Except when something like this comes along. Gods, watching Vincent lie there day after day, feverish, near death, knowing that no remedy I'd tried, physical or mental, had made the slightest difference, knowing that at any moment he could take his last breath... I think I went crazy for a time. I certainly don't recall the past month very clearly. Of course, I was pretty sick myself for some of it, but even then, almost all I could think of was Vincent. When I try to think back on it now, all I remember are images: Me holding Vincent cradled in my arms, placing a cold cloth on his forehead, singing him a lullaby from my childhood...and feeling so utterly alone. Lucien spent so little time with us... I know now why that was, but I had no idea then that so much had demanded his attention all at once. Was that Angelique's doing, I wonder? It wasn't until I saw the relief on his face when Vincent's fever broke, the first emotion he'd shared with me since this whole ordeal began, that I understood how much this has affected him, too. He's just better at hiding it than I am. What would he have done if Vincent had died? What would I have done? I don't like to think about that. Thank the gods he didn't die, and he's going to be all right. I know he's terrified about the fact that he can't speak, but all I can feel is relief that I have him back, safe and sound. Right now, nothing else matters.

The irony is that I feel even closer to Lucien now than I did before Angelique made her appearance. I guess adversity really does bind people together. Not the effect she was looking for, I'm sure. I am worried about what she may try to win Lucien back, though. She's so beautiful, that part of me feared she might...I don't know. Lure him away from me, somehow. It sounds silly when I say it now, of course, and I know he didn't marry me just for my appearance. But I think any woman in this situation would feel a little insecure, and I must admit that it was a relief to learn that he has no desire to sleep with her. Of course, if Lucien is right, she may try to sleep with him while using my form, a thought I find quite unnerving. The idea that she could imitate my shape, my voice, my memories, my very soul... I've always liked to believe that there was something unique about myself, some core part of me that is the essence of me and me alone. I thought that's what my soul was. But if even that can be imitated, then what remains of me? If I die, I could just be duplicated. I'm trying not to think too much about it. There's a lot I'm trying not to think about, right now. I just hope the measures we've taken are enough to trip Angelique up, should she try to take my place. It's much better than the alternative.

From the sound of things, I'm glad I'm not in Amber right now. Eric is moving to take over, just as I feared he would. He's even holding Beauty and Corbin under house arrest. That bothers me the most of everything I've heard. To use a teen-aged girl and an infant as hostages like that... I understand that Eric is hurting, but the more things like this that he does, the more I lose respect for him. At least it doesn't sound like he's getting much support from within the family. I wonder how Whimsy's efforts are going? So far, it doesn't look like she needed my help with anything. I hope that means she's managing to avoid Eric's anger.

I haven't really given much thought about how Angelique's appearence will effect my decision to have another child. The fact that she arrived after Vincent fell ill has much to do with that, I suppose. But Lucien has gotten me thinking about it now. Do I still want to have a child, not knowing what Angelique might do to him? It frightens me to think of losing another child. I'm not sure I could bear it, not after losing Grayson. But if I decide to wait until Angelique is no longer a threat, when will that be? Months? Years? Decades? Never? Do I want to allow Angelique that much control over my life? No. I can't live the rest of my life in fear of what Angelique might do, or I'll never do anything. I suppose it's foolish to be worrying about it overmuch right now, anyway. Our original plan was to wait until Nicholas returns from Chaos, and Eral knows when that will be. I should just wait and see how I feel when that finally happens.

I was surprised to learn that Grayson chose to recover in Middlecourt instead of Amber. He doesn't know anyone here, except for me. So why would he come here? Lucien thinks it's because Whimsy scares him. I suppose that could be part of it. He doesn't know that many people in Amber at all, so maybe with us gone, he no longer felt safe there. Especially with the likelihood of war in the future, thanks to Eric's actions. Whatever the reason, I'm glad that he is here. It would be harder to spend time with him if he had remained in Amber. And I'm hoping that maybe he'll be willing to talk to Vincent. He spent some time unable to speak after Jack cursed him. Maybe he can give Vincent some idea of what to expect, and some advice to help him get through it. I think just knowing someone else who went through what he is might help him right now.

Middlecourt, year 22, day 42 (Friday, December 15, 2994)

Add Bleys to the list of those who have fled Amber for Middlecourt. He appears to have weathered his illness without difficulty, and he and Grayson are hitting it off rather well, which probably shouldn't come as a surprise. They both have a similar way of enjoying life. They've made a few attempts to lift my spirits, and I must admit that I appreciate the distraction. Sometimes I feel rather overwhelmed by everything, and it's all I can do to keep going.

Middlecourt, year 22, day 61 (Wednesday, January 3, 2995)

Oh gods, Zane was Swayvill's child. And Swayvill was a direct descendant of the Serpent. That means that I'm...I'm descended from the Serpent, as well. A disturbing thought, at best. I don't know why this didn't occur to me until now. Perhaps it was the stress I've been under since I learned who my father was. It is odd to think that I'm descended from an avatar of each end of reality. Blood of the Unicorn, blood of the Serpent, soul of a faerie. Could there be a more mixed creation than I? No wonder I don't seem to fit anywhere.

Amber, year 22, day 101 (Monday, February 12, 0)

Nicholas has returned, and much to my surprise, Eric did not fight him. Perhaps Fiona's presence had something to do with it. If so, Eric should thank her, for he could not have won. All he would have done is lost his life, and that of many others. For Nicholas wields the Orb, and unlike the Jewel, Eric cannot control it. No one can, who does not have the blood of the Serpent and the Unicorn. Which is Nicholas, his offspring...and me. And my children. A fact I pray that Nicholas is not aware of. Or anyone else, for that matter.

Ishmael is going to be a father. He certainly didn't waste any time! I'm very happy for him. It's wonderful to see how enthusiastic he is about the whole idea. Of course, now I want another baby more than ever. So what's stopping me? I said I'd wait until after the war is over, and it is. But now there's Angelique to consider. What will she do if she learns that I'm pregnant? On the other hand, if I wait until things are resolved where she's concerned, it could be years. If ever. And who's to say some other crisis won't happen by then? No, I won't give her that much control over our lives. She promised not to harm me or my children so long as Lucien granted her the same courtesy. I'll just have to hope that this doesn't make her change her mind.

Middlecourt, year 22, day 102 (Tuesday, February 13, 0)

Morning

It seems that Angelique spoke the truth when she said that my parentage was common knowledge in Chaos. Which means Nicholas can't fail to know of it, by now. What I don't understand is how it came to be so well known there. Who spread that information? Not Zane, surely. With his attitude towards Amberites, he would never have acknowledged that he married one Amberite and fathered another. So how did this information come out? I suppose I shall never know, any more than I will ever know how Angelique learned of my connection to Loryn. Gods, it was bad enough being Zane's daughter, but this business with the Orb complicates things even more. It gives me no joy to know that me and my children are the only ones outside of the King and Corbin who can wield such an object of power. Nothing good can come of this.

Apparently most of my loose ends in Chaos were tied up during the war, even without my being there. Hector is dead. I didn't ask how he died, or who killed him. It really doesn't matter, in the end. All that matters is that he's dead, and he won't hurt anyone else ever again. Fenar regrettably still lives, but at least he is no longer the Head of House Borge. He's been deposed by Lucretia. I find that news very satisfying indeed. To not only lose your position, but lose it to a woman. Given the patriarchal bent in Chaos, that has to be a double insult. And then there's Miranda. The woman I tried so hard to save from Dara turns out to be Ariadne's twin, and the one who taught Ishmael the secret of making Takaran metal. I doubt she ever needed rescuing at all. Pity I didn't know that before we made the rescue attempt that caused Nimue's death. And got me bitten by Lasker. I find myself feeling somewhat bitter about that. I'm happy that she and Benedict have reconciled, though. It won't bring Ariadne back, but there must be some joy in finding a daughter when you thought you had none left alive.

The other news of note is that Edwin is alive. At first, I thought perhaps Ishmael was joking when he said this. He does have a rather warped sense of humor. But apparently, it's true. Whimsy killed the wrong man, and her husband yet lives. What poor innocent did she sacrifice in her quest for vengeance, then? And what is she going to do now? Not kill Edwin again, I hope. It was a mistake the first time, and it would only be a bigger mistake if repeated. At least they are on opposite ends of reality, right now. Maybe she'll have time to calm her feelings a bit before they encounter one another.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on November 15, 1998 by Kris Fazzari.