Amber, year 21, day 301 (Thursday, August 31, 2994)

Morning

I wasn't expecting Whimsy to try to persuade me not to go to Chaos. Lucien, yes, and it surprised me when he didn't. It was the lack of any attempt on his part to change my mind, in fact, that had convinced me I was right to go. At least until now. He is so terribly overprotective of me, that I can't see him letting me go without a fight if he thought I would be placing my life greatly at risk. I recall all too well the arguments we had when I wished to go to Faerie in my efforts to rescue Nicholas and the others. And yet in this case, he has offered no argument whatsoever. He even said my chances of surviving a war in Chaos are very good. If I believed otherwise, I'd never risk leaving the children without a mother, not at such a young age. How could Whimsy think I would do otherwise? And yet... I have been in enough wars to know that there are no guarantees. Plenty of good fighters have been brought down unexpectedly. When Chaos invaded Amber, Lord Hendrake would have killed me if Shard hadn't interfered. Lucien doesn't think anyone of his caliber will want to involve themselves in this war, but he could be wrong. Damn Whimsy for unsettling what I had finally managed to settle in my mind! I doubt she's doing this out of concern for my children. She doesn't even like children. She's made that obvious since the day I met her. She only wants me to stay so I can help her when Eric makes a try for the throne. Personally, I think Nicholas is a fool if he leaves Eric behind at all. Better to take Eric with him and leave Gérard as Regent. Unless he's intentionally giving Eric enough rope to hang himself with... If so, he's taking an awful risk. I still don't know why Whimsy is convinced that I could be of any help to her with this. I'm not any good at the kind of intrigue the family dabbles in. I never have been. I'd do more good in Chaos, making sure nothing happens to Nicholas. And killing that bastard, Hector Eireg. I want to see him suffer so badly... But is it worth the risk to the children? Can I take the chance, no matter how small, that they may lose their mother before they're grown? Gods, whether I stay or I go, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

At least I can put my worries about Grayson aside for now. Whimsy has already talked to Nicholas, and gotten Grayson an extension until the coronation. I've offered him any other assistance I can provide, but until he takes me up on it, there's nothing else I can do. He probably won't ask for any help from me at all. He seems to be turning to Whimsy, instead. She walked the Pattern herself last night, giving up her own magic to free herself from Jack. If she was willing to do that, perhaps Grayson will follow her example and do the same. Still, it hurts to know that he won't talk to me about his situation, but he'll talk to Whimsy. He'll learn conjuration from her, but not from me. I even invited him to come with us this afternoon, in hopes that he could get to know his siblings, but he declined. I know he needs time, and I should be patient, but it is difficult to remember that, sometimes.

I wonder if Whimsy realizes that walking the Pattern has likely fixed the defect she had that made sex and pregnancy so dangerous for her? Surely Fiona must have mentioned that to her at some point. Then again, maybe not, but it's not something I can bring up in casual conversation. It will be interesting to see if being able to have more children of her own, if she wishes, will make her less bitter about children in general.

Ishmael has somehow made Lavender's acquaintance. They should get along splendidly. She and Ahab always did. I tried to say hello, but she didn't stick around for any conversation. I guess she's still avoiding anyone she can't remember, or barely remembers, like me. She always did try to solve her problems through avoidance and denial. If she was in Amber, maybe I could try to reestablish our friendship, to get past that wall she puts up. But while she's in Foil that's simply impossible. I can't spend the time away from my family to make the effort required. Gods that sounds cold, even if it's the truth. I feel like I'm letting a friendship I valued just slip away, but she's not making any effort to reconnect with me, either. And if she doesn't at least try, I'm not sure anything I do will make a difference, anyway.

Afternoon

I enjoyed our picnic immensely, even if I did have to be careful not to use that word too often around the boys. They object to the strangest things. It was wonderful to see the children having so much fun. Well, except for Briana's unexpected introduction to shapeshifting. Even that didn't phase her for long. I'm going to have to keep an eye on her, lest she decide to start terrorizing her tutors. Given that she just got ungrounded, the consequences of doing so ought to be fresh in her mind, but you never know.

Ishmael is such an ass! How dare he blithely assume I won't be going to Chaos! It's none of his business, one way or the other. I was leaning towards not going, but now... If I don't go, I confirm his opinion that as a woman I should stay behind. And that's the last thing I want to do. Gods, he's known all along that I intended to go with Nicholas. I said as much several times while we were guarding Ygg. Nothing's changed between then and now, so why is he suddenly giving me this chauvinistic attitude? I'd love to wipe that superior look off of his face, right now. I suppose I'll just have console myself with imagining his expression tonight. Whimsy has such an evil mind when it comes to getting back at someone. And she has more cause to punish Ishmael than I. By threatening to refuse to retrieve the headstone of her only child in order to force her to reveal who she was engaged to, he has sunken to depths I hadn't expected from him.

I don't understand my children, sometimes. First it was Shannon and horses, now it's Jalana and edged weapons. I finally had her try using a staff, instead, and at least she's willing to use one without flinching or dropping it. She still isn't fond of it, though. I hate making her do this when I know she dislikes it, but how can I in good conscience let her grow up without being able to defend herself in some way? I just wish I could find a means that didn't disconcert her so.

Well, I've narrowed the possible hospital sites down to two, I've found some potential staff, I have a good idea of what I need to get in Shadow, and I've gotten Felix to agree to lend his assistance, from time to time. Not bad for an afternoon's work. Plus, I've been able to feel people out about the idea of a hospital, and so far the reaction has been positive. It's odd that no one's ever thought of doing something like this before. Maybe no one's ever had both the time and the interest. Felix was right when he said this could easily suck up as much of my time as I'm willing to put into it, and then some.

Damn Ishmael! What right did he have to use my children against me in this manner? To frighten them so much? Whether I went to Chaos or not was none of his concern. This was my choice to make. Only now I am denied the chance to make it. Damn him! How could he do this to them? To me? To risk that I would insist on going, and thus hurt them greatly? I want nothing more than to grind him into paste right now. He has no right to interfere in my family. He doesn't even have any children of his own. What makes him the authority on what I should and shouldn't do where mine are concerned?

It was sweet of Lucien to offer to assume my form and go to Chaos in my place. I was tempted to take him up on it, but I don't want him to leave. It's one thing to be apart when I'd at least be busy fighting Chaosites, but it's another when I'd be stuck here in Amber all alone. And it doesn't feel right to have someone else take my vengeance for me, especially while pretending to be me. I know it's not the same as asking Lucien to kill someone for me, but it's too close to that for me to feel comfortable with it. Besides, if what Whimsy told me about Eric is true, I'd rather have Lucien here. Political maneuvering is much more his arena than mine.

Evening

Gavin didn't set off my ring at dinner tonight. Does this mean that he's found a way to rid himself of the demon in his head? Or has he just found a way to mask its presence? Until I know which, I shan't feel comfortable around him, no matter what my ring says. Maybe he can ask Whimsy to teach him conjuration along with Grayson.

I don't know what I was expecting. An apology, perhaps. No, for Ishmael to apologize, he'd have to realize that what he did was wrong, and he's far too thick-headed to ever realize that. But he didn't even show the slightest bit of remorse. Twice today I've seen him use someone's children to get them to do what he wants, and that disturbs me to no end. How can I continue to allow him to teach my children, to influence them, when he doesn't even understand why he was wrong to use them? Eral only knows what other bad habits they could pick up from him.

Vincent is taking my order to stay away from Ishmael the hardest. He goes on about not being a child anymore, and being able to make decisions on his own, then he storms off and disappears out of his room. How very mature. At least he didn't go to Ishmael, as I feared he would. I can't believe Ishmael actually had the gall to ask Vincent to draw him a Trump, after all the trouble he's caused today. I wish I could make Vincent see that Ishmael is still using him. It's not like Ishmael can't draw his own damned Trump. I really wish I could believe Vincent when he says that he's not a child anymore, but it was less than a month ago that he and his brothers walked the Pattern at the urgings of a five-year-old. Perhaps he's forgotten that, but I certainly haven't.

Amber, year 21, day 302 (Friday, September 1, 2994)

Morning

I have done a terrible thing. Because of me, Ishmael was bitten by Shard. I was angry at him, yes, but all I really wanted was for him to see that what he did was wrong. I didn't want to hurt him. At least not in this manner. Why did Shard have to bite him? Just because he wanted to see me naked? I had hoped that perhaps Shard's feelings for me had changed, but it's obvious now that they haven't. It seems that Lucien was right about Shard's level of control. If Shard could not prevent himself from biting Ishmael in anger, then his control is not as great as he claims. I don't know what to do. Obviously I must speak to Shard, but that won't undo what happened last night. I can't tell Ishmael what happened. What could I say? "I'm sorry, Ishmael, I was so angry at you that I asked my vampire friend to give you nightmares? How was I supposed to know he'd bite you?" What if he goes after Shard? One of them could be hurt, or killed. Not to mention the trouble Shard could get into if it was known that he'd bitten a family member. I can't do that to him when he was only trying to help me.

I'd almost forgotten about our plan of vengeance against Ishmael until Whimsy told me she was calling it off. I offered no objection. How could I? What I caused to happen to him, however unintentionally, is far worse than our childish little plan. Still, I wonder what happened to change her mind about it?

Shadow Earth

There is no body in my father's grave. I think I was half-expecting this to be the case, ever since I began to suspect he was actually a Chaosite. Why else would I have checked? But the reality is hitting me harder than I had expected. He's alive, or at least he was alive when I was born. What happened to him? Where did he go? Why hasn't he ever tried to contact me? Surely he must know I exist. Mother was nearly full-term when she shot him. Wasn't he even curious to see what happened to me?

Afternoon

I have been unable to turn up any useful information on my father here. Too much time has passed. Gods, I wish talking bones still worked. Then I could at least replay the events that took place here. Why didn't I come here before Ygg was destroyed? Well, I did, come to think about it. Right before Nicholas placed me under house arrest. I didn't have time to do more than reach here before he ordered me back to Amber. What might I have found if he'd waited another hour?

At least I've been able to find the materials I needed here. Hopefully they will be enough to sustain things for a while, once get them all organized and sold off. If nothing else, it will keep me busy, and right now that's what I want.

Amber

Evening

Whimsy's high on something, and I suspect Jack is responsible. The flowers that are causing the reaction are from Faerie, after all. I guess he's miffed at her for breaking off their engagement. I'm worried about her, though. The way she's acting right now, Eral only knows what she'll do. If only I could dispel the toxin, the way I did with the girls. But somehow I doubt Whimsy will permit me to do this in her current state. There must be some way to get through to her...

Shard appeared in daylight. I still cannot believe it. I pray that he's all right. I couldn't bear it if he hurt himself trying to protect me. Gods, I didn't think it was possible for him to withstand the sun for any length of time. It can't have been easy for him. What was he doing up there before sunset, anyway? I've got to talk to him. But first, I've got to get all of this oil off of my body. Damn Whimsy. I suppose it could have been worse, though. Next time, I'm going to leave Whimsy to Fiona from the start. I can't fight her when I'm not willing to hurt her, and she's willing to hurt me.

Why does Lucien overreact so much to these things? I never should have mentioned my father to him at all. What am I supposed to do, pretend the fact that he also abandoned me doesn't hurt just a little? I know he wasn't a good man. What he did to Mother is more than sufficient to prove that. But even so, there's a part of me that still aches to think that he didn't want me. I thought I could admit that much. Obviously, I was wrong. Why would Lucien understand? He hated his father. Still, it would be nice if he'd at least tried.

It's funny how talking to Shard about my problems can make me feel so much better about them, sometimes. I've been feeling guilty about what happened to Ishmael all day, but I couldn't talk about it with anyone. I suppose that was part of why other things were upsetting me so much. I still wish Shard hadn't bitten Ishmael, but I understand now that it wasn't anything I had any control over. Besides, I know better than most that it's not the first bite that's the serious one. I've been bitten twice and I survived. As soon as Ishmael walks the Pattern, the effects will go away. Which has to be soon. I can't imagine that Nicholas will allow Ishmael to go to Chaos without first walking the Pattern.

I feel better about tonight's fight with Lucien, too. Well, not better, but less upset with myself. I refuse to feel guilty for feeling sad about my father. The irony is that what really upset me was Lucien getting upset with me about how I was feeling. He just made things worse. Why can't he see that? He acts like I never even left for Ygg at all. Like five years haven't passed for me. There must be some way to make him see that.

Amber, year 21, day 303 (Saturday, September 2, 2994)

Morning

He didn't even look at me while I was talking to him. He couldn't even be bothered. He just sat there with his eyes closed while I tried to explain how I feel about everything that's been happening. And then he just said, "Fine," like I was boring him. Well fine, indeed. If what he wants is to be left alone, then that's what he shall get. I tried. Eral knows why I bothered. I'm tired of trying to get through to him. I just want him to leave me alone.

Evening

I was tempted to just remain in town for the entire day, and spend the night in town. But that wouldn't have been fair to the children. My absence for the day I can easily excuse. I was working on the hospital, after all. But if I missed dinner, and then didn't return before they went to bed, they might worry. At least I know Jalana would. I'm not so sure about her brothers. They were being awfully polite at dinner, though. I think their father had a talk with them. He makes it rather difficult to stay angry at him, sometimes. Every time he really pisses me off, he does something nice like this. We still need to talk, though. The question is, will he listen this time?

Jalana is awfully perceptive for a 12-year-old. I'm not sure when Lucien and I would have talked, if she hadn't left us alone. It's ironic. I was upset with Lucien for acting like I hadn't been gone for five years, which is pretty much why he was upset with me. I still think I've been doing better since I returned than I was before I left. Eral knows, the situation with Sand's ghost alone would have shook me for far longer than it did. He did acknowledge that events seem to be conspiring against me since I got back. I've given him my letters from Ygg to read. I know that I originally decided not to show them to him, but I think they might help show that I'm not the same as when I left. Maybe I'm still not as much like my old self as he would have liked, but some things take more than five years to get over.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on May 15, 1998 by Kris Fazzari.