Amber, year 21, day 300 continued

Morning

Lucien told Vincent that Fiona eats Chaosian souls. I still can't help chuckling when I think about it. Sometimes I wonder what they'd do if they didn't have each other to snipe at. Ishmael doesn't understand, of course. He sounded rather irritated with Lucien when he told me of Vincent's reaction. Then again, given his dislike of shapeshifters, and Vetches especially, I doubt anything Lucien does will make him happy. I wonder what he'd think if he knew I can shapeshift? I think I'll postpone that revelation for the moment.

It was an odd conversation all around. Ishmael says that Jack took Whimsy to Faerie and spanked her. Spanked her? Admittedly, that sounds like something Jack would do if he thought it would bother her, but I can't believe that's all that happened there. And then there's whatever is going on between Ishmael and Alexandra. Why was she apologizing to him? He's the one who licked her hand at the table and embarrassed her. What could she possibly have done at the dance that would be considered worse? Ishmael said to ask Alexandra for the details, but I'm not sure I really want to know.

Jack proposed to Whimsy, and he's been showing her the Faerie Ring. I have a very bad feeling about this. I know humans can walk the Ring and survive. They even gain eternal life, so long as they do not ever leave Faerie. But what would it do to an Amberite? I know we share a common heritage, close enough for our souls to cross, but the split was so long ago... I'm afraid of what the Ring might do to Whimsy. She is far too confident in her ability to handle Jack. I learned the hard way not to underestimate him. I wish I could make her understand. But her ears seem closed to me where Jack is concerned, and I'm not certain how to overcome that.

Afternoon

That was rather unsettling. I don't think I've ever had my ring go off for such an extended period of time before. Nor has it reacted merely to someone's presence, even when they were doing nothing more threatening than eating. What has Gavin done that his proximity should be such a threat? He claimed nothing unusual has happened to him this day, but obviously something has. My ring certainly didn't have this sort of reaction to him last night. And mine wasn't the only one. Whimsy has a ring that warns her of danger as well, and it also responded to Gavin's presence. I'm not sure which is worse, a ring that feels like it's going to squeeze your finger off when you're in danger, or a ring that keeps screaming "shit" over and over again in your mind. Whimsy has a rather odd sense of humor.

It is worse than I feared. Gavin, idiot, fool, moron that he is, used a book left for him by *Brand*, of all people, and summoned a demon into his head. A demon! And worse yet, a demon that is not bothered by Pattern, a demon that even Fiona could not bind. Wonderful. Tamaryn says it will kill anyone who tries to harm Gavin, and it certainly tried its best to kill Ishmael. I shudder to think of it possessing me as it did him. I don't know why it twice chose to inhabit Morglyph instead of me, but I'm grateful that it did. I can't abide demons, not after one almost killed Morgan, and another attempted to sacrifice me for Eral only knows what foul purpose. I wish there was some way to destroy the one Gavin has seen fit to invite into Amber. Until there is, I hope Fiona keeps him in that Shadow pocket of hers. As long as he has that...thing inside of him, he certainly won't be receiving any more conjuration lessons from me. Perhaps not even if he does rid himself of it. After having seen him behave so irresponsibly, how can I in good conscience give him still more power to misuse?

I did get some small satisfaction when Whimsy brought Fiona through, after she'd ignored my Trump call. It's good that Fiona has a reminder that I don't always Trump her for what she considers reasons that are beneath her attention. Truth be told, I've almost never Trumped her at all, knowing her attitude. The only occasion I can recall off the top of my head was when I discovered the solution to the crystal problem, and I'd like to think that was a worthwhile occasion. So where she gets off acting like I'm constantly pestering her with Trump calls is beyond me. Lucien is right, she can be rather childish sometimes.

It's obvious that Whimsy now has in her possession one of the Faerie Wards. The Fire Ward, to be precise. How did she obtain it? As of yesterday, the Wards were still being searched for. Did Vixen return after all? Or were there other parties looking? Whimsy said she would explain later. I must confess that having actually been near one of the Wards, I find my desire to possess one somewhat lessened. The defense it provides against Jack is appealing, of course, but once he is gone, I would not wish to keep one around me. Faerie magic has been a part of me for so long now, I would miss not being able to use my spells.

Lucien pretended not to know anything amiss had occurred while he was gone. Fine. If he wishes to play that game, I can as well. I find it ironic that he was lunching with the Head of House Hendrake in Middlecourt while we were trying to stop the man's son from splitting his head open with his own arm. Not to mention the irony in the fact that he was meeting with a Hendrake at all. It wasn't that long ago that they were all trying to kill him.

Lucien's explanation for what he told Vincent about Fiona was rather amusing. Teach them the proper respect for her, indeed. I suppose it did, even if he was getting in a dig at Fiona at the same time. At least Vincent isn't likely to do something foolish while he's with her. I hope. He's been gone for longer than I was expecting.

It seems that Bridget no longer trusts me. I wish I knew why. It seems to be because I'm a member of the family, but so is she! Besides which, she's known that all along, and it never seemed to bother her before. Does she distrust Felix now too? And Lavender? What has brought this change of heart on? I know I shouldn't feel hurt by it, but it's hard not to. All I wanted was for her to feel comfortable here, since she seems so determined to stay. And she obviously needs someone to talk to. She may not admit it, but I can tell that she's lonely. If she will no longer let me fill that role, than I shall have to find someone else to do so.

I'm glad I thought of talking to Kira. She and Bridget should get along well. They have much in common, after all. Living in this strange place after coming from Shadow, the fact that they are both craftswomen... I pray that Kira can succeed in drawing Bridget out of her shell.

I'm not sure what upsets me more, the fact that Vincent has been dreaming of Sand for years, or the fact that Lucien knew about it and hid it from me. I know he wants to spare me pain, but by not telling me he merely postpones the pain, he doesn't eliminate it. Although, I will admit that some delay helped in this instance. Knowing that Sand has been talking to Vincent for this long, and hasn't hurt him yet, makes me worry a bit less. If what Lucien says about ghosts is true, and dying has eliminated much of Sand's malice, then I don't mind her talking to her son. But why is she not talking to Shannon as well? Maybe Vincent is just more receptive?

What troubles me a bit is the thought of the ghosts in general. Lucien implied that several of my dead relatives are ghosts. What keeps them here? What are they trying to accomplish? I'm not sure I could handle seeing Ahab's ghost. Maybe he's not among them.

Evening

Grayson has finally decided to trust me, but in doing so he has placed me in a bit of an awkward position. I want to help him. He is my son, and he's endured enough pain already in his life. How can I force him to lose his magic? I know full well how hard that would be for me. But on the other hand, Jack cannot be allowed to run loose in Amber. I understand that for Nicholas, this is paramount over one person's concerns, especially when that person created the problem in the first place. If only there was another way... I can ask Nicholas for more time, but I'm not sure that will help. I've been turning the problem over and over in my mind, and there just doesn't seem to be a way around it. Unless Lucien can think of something... If not, Grayson's only options are to walk the Pattern, or to flee Amber. I doubt Nicholas will leave him in the dungeons for more than a few days, not with the coronation fast approaching. He'll force Grayson onto the Pattern if he has to. I must admit, I would do the same in his position. So if Grayson wishes to keep his magic, he will have to flee with Jack. And if he does, he will never be able to return to Amber while Nicholas rules, and we will never be rid of Jack. I should warn Nicholas that Grayson could flee with Jack, but I cannot. I can't betray my son, especially not the first time he has confided in me. I just hope that Grayson has enough of me in him to do the right thing and stay in Amber. If he doesn't, then I'll have to live with the fact that I might have been able to prevent his leaving, and didn't. Which will make me partly responsible for the mischief Jack causes afterwards. Gods help me.

I find Whimsy's lack of trust in me to be rather disheartening. Sometimes she acts like we're friends, but other times she acts like I'm almost a stranger. I can understand why she might wish to speak to Grayson alone. I was hoping she would, in fact. She stands the best chance of getting through to him, since Jack was her friend too. If she was able to reject Jack, than maybe she can persuade Grayson to do the same. This assumes that she's decided to reject Jack's proposal to her, but judging by the absence of the ring she was wearing at breakfast, that seems pretty likely. Still, it hurts that she couldn't even tell me who she was bringing Grayson to speak to. I wish I knew what was going on.

I had no idea that it was possible to erase your own memory. I hope it isn't difficult for Lucien to teach me how one does this. If Grayson escapes with Jack, I was going to have Lucien erase my foreknowledge of this possibility from my mind, but it sounds like I can do it myself. So long as I don't remember, it doesn't really matter which method I use to accomplish it. I can't betray Grayson to Nicholas. I have to give him the chance to prove himself, to make his own choice. But I know I won't be able to live with myself if he chooses Jack, knowing that I might have been able to stop him. So I will forget that I could have stopped him. It is the coward's way out, I know, but I see no other solution. I only wish I'd known that such an option existed after I learned of Avalon. I couldn't ask someone else to erase the information from my mind without them learning of Avalon in the process, but if I'd known you could alter your own memories... Think of the lives that could have been saved, the tragedy that could have been avoided... No, I won't dwell too deeply on that. I can't. That way lies more pain than I can handle. I cannot change what happened, no matter how much I wish otherwise.

So he was serious when he said he's been haunted by a ghost. I thought he was just teasing me. How ironic that he can no longer even remember why he killed Roderick. That must frustrate Roderick to no end. Maybe that's why Lucien erased it from his mind. Still, I find the fact that he's watching Lucien, and therefore me, rather disturbing. I don't particularly care for the idea of performing for an audience, even if it's one I can't see. There was a time when it wouldn't have bothered me, before Brand, but now... It shouldn't matter, but it does. Brrrrr. Maybe when Lucien teaches me how to forget things, I'll erase that particular bit of knowledge. The only problem is, if occurred once, it will probably occur to me again.

The existence of ghosts changes my ideas on death somewhat. I've always assumed that when I die, I'll eventually be reincarnated again. But if "real" people can become ghosts... What determines whether I become a ghost, or go to the Paths of the Dead? Are the two mutually exclusive? If you choose to become a ghost, does that mean you can't ever be reincarnated after that? Do ghosts remain forever, or can they let go of their state and pass on when they wish? Or are there conditions that must be fulfilled before they can truly rest? So many questions, none of which I'm ever likely to have answers to. It does bother me a bit, though. Lucien answered my threat to haunt him by saying it would be a desirable outcome. I can understand that. I know if he died, having him around in at least some manner would make his loss easier to bear. It isn't fair that he wants of me something he won't do himself. What does my age have to do with anything? Does he think that my youth will somehow make it easier to get over losing him? He didn't get over Loryn's death for two millennia! Gods, I don't like the idea of losing him at all, much less that he might not give me the small comfort of still having him around in some form out of some misguided belief that it will help me get on with my life. Losing him completely would make things worse, not better. I'll just have to hope that he doesn't die before me. He's lived this long, after all. His odds of survival have to be better than mine.

Lucien's heard of the type of demon that's protecting Gavin. What he told me doesn't make me feel any better about the wretched thing, of course. It and its ilk are even illegal in the Courts, and I can see why. Pattern, Logrus, faerie magic, none of it affects them. Only certain demonic magics will work. No wonder it was able to safely fly into Morglyph. The only way to get rid of it is to reverse the summoning spell, something I suspect will prove hard to do unless Fiona can find the book Gavin used. At least now I know why Fiona was unable to bind it. Apparently such demons are impossible to hurt when they separate like that, although at least it does make them much less effective at possession. The only protection Morglyph gave me was providing the thing a faster object to possess as opposed to myself. Which, to my mind, is still better than if it had actually entered me. The thought still makes me shiver.

There are so many things occupying my thoughts now. Ronan's disappearance. Vincent's dreams. Gavin's demon. Grayson's dilemma. I'm not quite sure why it isn't driving me crazy. I keep expecting it to. Maybe I'm just still too happy to be back to let any of it really disturb me for too long. Or maybe I'm overcoming my habit of only seeing the worst in a situation. Gavin's demon could prove quite useful to Nicholas in the attack on Chaos, after all. I swear, Lucien practically *giggled* when I mentioned that him. I guess he's in a good mood, too. I'm amazed at how much I'm enjoying just sitting here and being with the children right now. Jalana struggling with her needlework, Ana and Briana playing together, Morgan thrashing his brothers at cards... I know the outside world will intrude again soon, but for now I don't want to think about anything outside of this room.

"Outrageous Fortune"
Ariana's Page | Ariana's Diaries
Other PC Diaries and Contributions

All text on this page is © 1998 by Kris Fazzari.

Last modified on March 19, 1998 by Kris Fazzari.