Amber, year 21, day 299 (Tuesday, August 29, 2994)

Morning

It's good to be home. I've missed it so. The children laughing, Lucien's smile... I've never felt so giddy in my life. I'm just so happy to see everyone. You never understand what you have until you lose it for a while.

I still can't believe that Vixen would do such a thing. I had hoped that having a child would change her, but it seems I was wrong. How could she kill an innocent child after bearing one of her own? Gods, I feel like such a fool. I thought that perhaps my friendship could change her, could show her that there are other ways besides assassination. Obviously, I was wrong. Was she ever really my friend, or was she just using me all along?

And the bad news continues. Jack is back in Amber, courtesy of Grayson. It is as I feared. It was hard enough to rid ourselves of him the first time. How are we going to do it again? Whimsy has some sort of plan to lure him out at the ball. I wish I had her confidence that we will succeed. How do you fight an avatar in full possession of his power? I do not think it will be as easy as Whimsy thinks it will, but we have to try. Damn it, Grayson, why didn't you listen to me?

I had a feeling the news about Vixen wouldn't surprise Lucien. I wish he'd told me what she was before now. Maybe then I wouldn't have fooled myself into thinking that she could change. I'm flattered that he thinks I had a chance of succeeding, but still... Maybe if he'd told me sooner, I wouldn't feel so betrayed.

Whimsy thinks Grayson may decide to stay in Avalon. I suppose it probably would be for the best. Certainly, his continued presence in Amber is likely to cause me more pain. But how can I get to know my son if I never see him? And I'm not likely to see him much in Avalon, if what Lucien says is true. I don't understand how they can be offended by Brand's punishment after what he did to them. They suffered heavy losses during the invasion by Chaos, including the deaths of two of Ona's children. Zane would never have known of Avalon if Brand had not told him of it. And they think he was punished unfairly? His suffering can never even come close to that of his victims.

Afternoon

Lucien says he managed to talk to Jalana while I was gone, and it seems to have helped, although she's still rather quiet. Not depressed or upset anymore, though, just thoughtful. I suppose that's to be expected. Lucien thinks she'll be all right, and from what I've observed, I agree. I just wish she'd tell me what she's thinking. And I wish I knew what she told Lucien when they talked. I keep wondering if she's still bothered by the fact that I stopped wearing my wedding ring briefly while he was gone. If she is, she might have told him about it. Naturally, I can't tell if she did from anything he's said. I'm not even sure it would bother him now. It has been five years. I just wish I knew if he knew or not.

Thankfully, Lucien has explained to the rest of the children about Grayson. I've been dreading having to do that, a fact I'm sure he was aware of. I'm not sure I could have kept the proper tone while explaining it, for one thing. I obviously didn't do a real good job with Jalana. He managed to tell them the truth, but in such a way that the focus was more on Grayson being stolen by faeries and growing up in Chaos, not how he was conceived. I anticipate Grayson being asked a lot of curious questions as a result, but it's better than the alternative.

Evening

I do wish the confirmation ball had been some other night. The last thing I want to do with my first night home in five years is spend it away from my children, stuck inside of a straight jacket. Which is what this damn corset feels like. Thank the gods that Amber rarely has occasions this formal. How am I supposed to fight if need be when I can barely breathe? Lucien is no help at all. A test of my shapeshifting abilities, indeed! I'm a bit out of practice, dear. I haven't had a teacher in five years. Well, at least I'll have Morglyph, if Jack decides to cause trouble. I doubt it will stop him, but at least it will keep him away from me. Guaranteeing that is worth enduring Lucien's disapproval of my wearing a sword to the ball.

Jalana is so disappointed that she can't come with us tonight. Part of me wishes she could, but it's probably for the best. If Jack pulls anything tonight, I'd rather she was far away from it. I did offer to let her Trump me and watch the festivities through my eyes for a while, and that seemed to satisfy her. Ah, to be young enough to regard this sort of thing as exciting, rather than the chore that it is. Although, to be honest, I might be looking forward to it more if it wasn't for the presentations that will be taking place. Will Grayson be one of them? And if so, who will he claim as his parent? Brand? Myself? Both of us? I don't think I could bear to see him acknowledged as Brand's child and not mine. But what right do I have to ask him to deny his father? I can't do that. He could acknowledge us both, of course. Eral only knows what the reaction of the nobles would be to that, though. Amber does not have the most enlightened attitude when it comes to rape. I keep remembering how Random reacted when he first learned who Grayson's father was. At least he understood when I explained the circumstances behind it, but it was horribly uncomfortable. And that was just one person. How can I even hope to explain what happened to all the nobles in Amber?

I almost didn't recognize Whimsy when she arrived. She looks so different. Like another person. I'd like to believe that she decided to dress up for the occasion, but I fear I know better. I think she's attempting to make herself attractive to Jack, in order to lure him to her. If so, she's playing with fire, and it worries me. I know better than most how difficult it is to outwit Jack.

Jack has stolen Grayson's voice. Obviously, this is to prevent Grayson from revoking his invitation to Amber. I should have expected him to do something like this. It is cleverly done, and I can't see a way around it. Without his voice, Grayson can't order Jack to leave, and Jack is the only one powerful enough to remove the curse. Unless Grayson walks the Pattern, but after what happened to Nimue, I'm afraid to try that as anything other than a last resort. At least this should prove to Grayson that Jack is not the friend he has made himself out to be. If the matter wasn't so serious, I'd think it was good for Grayson to suffer for a while with the consequences of his actions. Maybe next time I warn him not to do something, he'll pay more attention.

Whimsy succeeded in drawing Jack to her, but that is the only part of her plan that worked. As soon as Jack spotted Ishmael pushing towards them, he dropped through the floor with Whimsy, leaving several of her items behind. I wonder how Jack managed that? I tried to trace them, but this is Jack, after all. I faired no better than I did when he left for Avalon with Grayson. There is nothing but solid rock beneath us, assuming they're even still in Amber. They could have gone anywhere through the 'Tween by now. Gods, this is so frustrating. How can we fight power on the level of Jack's?

The evening continues to be one disaster after another. Grayson lied to me about how he got to Avalon, told me that his mother is dead, and now plans to be announced as Brand's son. Brand's. Not mine. I can't stay here. I can't bear to watch him presented to the world as if he had no part of me. Am I supposed to pretend that I don't know him? Deny that he is my child? How can I do that? I can't stay and witness this. I just can't. Gods, how horrible a person must I seem to make him choose Brand over me?

Whimsy has returned, apparently intact. I want very badly to know where she's been and what happened to her, but I can hardly ask her here. She did say that she couldn't find Grayson's voice. To be honest, I'd be surprised if she had. I just can't see Jack making things that easy.

Lucien thinks I should talk to Grayson again. He claims that Grayson takes more after me than Brand, and that maybe I misinterpreted his reasons for choosing Brand over me. Could Grayson possibly think this is protecting me, somehow? If there's a chance I can change his mind, I have to try. But he is seated too far for me to talk privately with him now. And this is not something I wish to shout across the table. I find myself impatient for the meal to end.

Jack continues to taunt me, letting me see that he is here while blocking his presence from others. He's hoping to goad me into doing something rash. I am restraining myself, but it is hard. I know that he would be gone before I got there, that I can't hurt him now, but still it is so tempting... Had I not had five years to distance myself from what he did to me, I'm not sure I would be able to hold back. What I wouldn't give for a chance to swing Morglyph at his neck...

I've caught Grayson watching me several times during the meal. Usually when I've been talking about the children. It gives me hope that maybe Lucien is right. At least it indicates that he doesn't dislike me as much as he pretends.

Ishmael is really outdoing himself tonight. Not that Whimsy is doing much better, but she didn't lick anyone at the dinner table. I'm thankful the children didn't attend this dinner. It's hard enough to enforce proper behavior at the dinner table without them picking up on Ishmael's habits. What's gotten into him tonight? He seems to have fixated on Alexandra, but if he's trying to get her to sleep with him, he's going about it the wrong way.

I think it is just barely possible that I may have convinced Grayson to acknowledge me as his mother. He didn't say for sure, but he left me to speak with Nicholas, and why else would he do that? Gods, I hope I'm right. I have to stay now. I have to know... Will he acknowledge Brand as well, or just me? It no longer matters as much as it did. So long as he acknowledges me.

It's over, and Grayson is officially my son. No mention of Brand was made. I feel such a sense of relief. If it wasn't for Jack, I might actually be able to enjoy the rest of this evening. There was one odd thing, though. Ronan was supposed to be presented tonight as well, but there's no sign of him. Is he off on some mission for Nicholas? Or has something happened to him? Eric's looked to be in a foul mood all night, but that could just be due to Vixen's disappearance. Or him finally realizing that she was just using him.

All right, I'm enjoying myself anyway. It's good to dance with Lucien again. I haven't danced with him in a long time. I haven't done several things with him in a long time. Gods, why did this ball have to be tonight?

My conversations with Gavin are starting to be remarkably repetitive. He danced with me, I suspect mostly so he could have me as a captive audience while he pressed me on when his next conjuration lesson would be. He's awfully impatient. It's almost as though he expects me to back out. Which causes me to wonder why he would think such a thing. Maybe he's afraid I'll threaten to withhold the lessons until he investigates his feline companion. I've been tempted, but somehow I doubt that would sway him. It would probably just make him more intractable. At least I seem to have instilled some small amount of doubt in him. It isn't much, but it's a start.

Whimsy has gotten Mother drunk. As if the evening wasn't already exciting enough. Why does Whimsy do these things? Fortunately, Mother didn't do anything more serious than throw up on someone over the balcony before she passed out. I'm worried about what she intended to do with that torch, however. Gods, it's like watching a small child.

Jalana enjoyed her brief glimpse of the ball, so much so that she wants to be there for Nicholas' coronation. I'm hoping that she can. I wonder if she or her siblings realize that Nicholas is their childhood playmate? So far, they've given no sign of it, but it's bound to happen eventually.

Foster's attraction to me appears undiminished, judging by the flush he developed as we danced. I was hoping that by now he'd have come to terms with that. Although I guess it hasn't been that long for him. Driscoll was kind enough to rescue him, by dancing with me instead. My heart goes out to the poor man. He's obviously suffering terribly. At least he still has Foster, in a sense, but I'm beginning to fear that Lavender is lost to him. There's been no sign of her at the ball tonight. I wish there was something I could do to help him. He was one of the only people who comforted me when I was so unhappy.

Felix has yet to set a date for his wedding to Tamaryn. It makes me a bit uneasy. Maybe Ishmael was right. If he is so reluctant to marry, is this wedding really a good idea?

Amber, year 21, day 300 (Wednesday, August 30, 2994)

Early morning

I found Vincent in the midst of a nightmare when we got home, which wouldn't disturb me so much if Morgan hadn't mumbled that he's been suffering from nightmares for a week or so. Naturally, none of them saw fit to mention this to us. What could be troubling him so much that it haunts his dreams every night? He doesn't remember what he was dreaming of, so there's no help there. Maybe it's a reflection of the stress I was suffering before I left? I was doing my best to hide it, but if Jalana noticed, Vincent might have as well. I think I'll sit with him for a while, in case the nightmares return.

Morning

When I woke up in bed, I hoped for a moment that had all just been a horrible dream. A nightmare. But I know it wasn't. I feel utterly paralyzed. I don't know what to do anymore. How do I protect my children from someone who's supposed to be dead? How can she be doing this? Oh Vincent, I'm terrified about what she wants to do to you. What are the nightmares that she's sending you? And why? I fear that answer most of all. And there's nothing I can do to protect you. Just like I couldn't protect Grayson from Jack. I'm so terribly frightened. Please, gods, I've already lost one child. I can't bear to lose another.

He's drawn another picture of her, in scarcely half the time allotted for his class with Ishmael. Why her? Of all the people he knows, why is he focusing on her? Even Fiona seems impressed by what he's done. So impressed, that she's offered to teach him. I'm uneasy about trusting my child with her, but what choice do I have? If anyone can figure out why he's suddenly drawing Trumps of his dead mother that actually connect to him, it's Fiona. I just don't understand. Fiona confirmed that Sand is dead, but if she isn't behind this, then what is? Why would he be drawing Trumps of her and giving himself nightmares?

Talking with Lucien has helped me relax a bit. Stick figure Trumps, indeed. Just the image of such a thing is enough to make me laugh. Well, that wasn't the only thing that relaxed me, even if it was later than I planned. I wasn't expecting to sleep through the entire night, after all. Then again, I wasn't expecting to find that Trump of Sand beneath Vincent's pillow, either. I understand why Lucien used a sleep spell on me last night, though. Eral knows, once I woke up from my faint, I doubt I would have been able to sleep at all, for all my worry. I still can't believe I fainted. It's so embarrassing. This is why I hate wearing a corset.

Lucien must know something about who my father is. Why else would he be so evasive about it? Gods, he is so overprotective, sometimes. What does he think he's protecting me from, anyway? I already know my father was an alcoholic and a wife beater. How much worse could it get? Was he a mass-murderer, too? The not knowing is worse than the knowing. When I don't know, my mind makes up all sorts of horrible details, that are far worse than any likely reality. I wish I could make him understand that. The sad part is, I can't even get properly angry at him for it. I'm too happy to be back, right now. And I think I understand what drives him to be this way with me. He lost me once, and he spent millennia blaming himself for that. Now that we have a second chance together... Would I act any different if our positions were reversed? I'd like to think yes, but my heart suspects otherwise. I would have hidden what occurred between Shard and I from him, if I hadn't feared he might learn it elsewhere. Or that he might already know and be hurt more by my concealing it from him. And I've hidden the true extent of how much he hurt me after I lost Grayson. Of how close I came to leaving him. Only Jalana knows that I stopped wearing my wedding ring while he was gone, and even she doesn't know for how long. I hid this from him because I knew it would hurt him. In the end, is that really all that different from what he does with me? Yes, in one small way. I will not lie to him about it, should he ask. I wish I could be sure of at least that much from him. I can handle his refusal to tell me certain things, but I can't handle him lying about them. Because then I can't trust anything he says to me, and that hurts me most of all.

The good news is that Random doesn't think I'll have any trouble getting approval for my hospital project. The bad news is that there isn't likely to be any funding available until after Nicholas invades Chaos. I'll have to rely on my own funds, and what I can import from Shadow, until then. I could simply wait until after the invasion, I know, but I think it's important to have at least a permanent infirmary in place by then. If we do invade Chaos, there will be wounded, after all.

The more I learn about Ronan's disappearance, the more it troubles me. Random says that Iseult reported him missing yesterday. Which is about the same time that Vixen clocked Whimsy and disappeared. I'd like to believe this is a coincidence, but... If she was planning to kill one of Eric's children, why would she leave the other alive? Gods, I hope I'm wrong about this. I liked Ronan. He was a good man, and his heart was in the right place, even if some of his ideas weren't very well thought out. And he was the only person who felt the same way I did about getting Nicholas back. He deserves better than to have his throat slit by a power-mad assassin. No wonder Eric looked so pissed at dinner last night. I hope Eric and Iseult are able to find him alive. I feel like I should be doing something to help, but what? I wouldn't know where to begin on my own, and those who are searching for him haven't asked for my help. All I can do is be ready to provide it, should they ask. And pray that he's still alive.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on February 20, 1998 by Kris Fazzari.