Amber, year 16, day 312 continued

It's always such a relief to talk to Vialle. I should have done it long ago. Why is it that when I get depressed, I feel that there is no one who can possibly help me? She agrees that Grayson needs time to adjust, but most importantly, she's willing to talk to him. Maybe she can provide him with the reassurance that I cannot. I can think of no one better.

Lucien is far more relaxed about my possible departure than I. I suppose it makes sense. I'll be gone only a few days, for him. Assuming nothing goes wrong, that is. After what happened to Lavender and Foster... Not that Lucien acts concerned, of course. If he hadn't said he'll be worried for my safety, I never would have suspected it. Why is it that he's dreadfully overprotective when I don't wish him to be, and not concerned at all when I wish he was?

I hope he's right about the time away doing me good. Part of me is afraid that I'll return with no more to show for my efforts than five years away from my family... Gods, I don't want to think about that. Five years... How am I going to make it? How did Lucien manage it in Faerie? He keeps saying that it wasn't that long, but how can it not be? What if I can't handle it? It's not like I can just give up and come home early. Gods, I hope I'm doing the right thing. What if being alone just serves to drive me crazy? It runs in my family, after all. My grandmother killed herself, and Mother... Oh, Mother, I know I have no right to complain about what Brand did to me, when he did so much worse to you. I wish I could help you. I wish you weren't beginning to lose your hold on sanity again. What little hold you have on it. I just want a chance to speak to you again, the real you. The one I glimpsed so briefly, that time after you learned you were pregnant. The only time you actually remembered giving me away. The only time I felt you loved me. For a few minutes, I was your daughter, not just someone you tolerate because you've been told we're related. You wouldn't think I could miss something so much that was so briefly experienced...

Gods, why am I doing this to myself now? Mother will be no different when I return than she is now. So why am I worrying about it? Maybe it's the stress of knowing how hard this trip will be. Or maybe it just hasn't completely sunk in yet. I'm so focused on how much time I'll be passing, I have to keep reminding myself that no one here will even really notice that I'm gone. Part of me wonders if that isn't why Lucien is so willing to let me go. Rather than seeing me like this for months, which I know drives him crazy, he gets me back to normal in a matter of days. Assuming I do return to normal. I wish he was coming with me. But maybe it's best that he doesn't. So long as he is around, I'm afraid that I'll say or do something to anger him, and I can't just keep hiding how I feel. Especially since he sees through it and gets upset anyway. Maybe being left alone will help me heal. It didn't before, when I fled to Shadow, but that was only a few months. And I was too upset about what he'd done to me then. Maybe now, with more time, things will be different. I pray they will. Lucien isn't the only one who misses me. I miss myself. The person I used to be. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever feel that free again.

At least I'll have Lucien's stone to help get through the loneliness. I almost didn't ask. Ever since I gave him his, I've been hoping that he would give me one in return. I wanted him to give me one for the reasons I gave him mine. It didn't feel right to ask for it. But the thought of spending five years without some part of him with me was more than I could bear. He seemed surprised by my request, but happy to grant it. I suppose I should have just asked years ago. Still, male insensitivity or not, I wish I hadn't had to.

Teljlis

Fortunately, things are running faster here, so Lucien will be able to make his stone before I have to leave. He's even suggested we stay and extra day or two, a suggestion I readily agreed to. I need the extra time to get used to the idea of leaving. To say goodbye. It feels like we're forever leaving one another. I know that isn't true, but right now all I can think about is all the times we've been apart from each other. Gods, I'm going to be a basket case when it comes time to leave.

Teljlis, year 16, day 314

In retrospect, I suppose it was a foolish idea. I mean, even if we are attacked, there will be too many of us for someone to do to us what Brand did to Lavender and Foster. But still, I'd feel better if I had been able to back up my memories, somehow. I still could, of course, but the chip wouldn't survive for very long in Amber, and I won't risk leaving it here in Shadow, where anyone could find it and rifle through it. The risk of that is worse than the risk that I will wind up bereft of my memories. There are some events that I wouldn't mind forgetting, anyway.

Amber, year 16, day 315 (Saturday, August 26, 2994)

Morning

It feels strange to be back in Amber again, knowing that we've scarcely been gone. I have to keep reminding myself of what day it is, of what I need to do before I leave. How much worse will it be to return after five years? I've returned after a long absence before, when we came back from Bedlam, but then I had been with my immediate family. Now I will have five years to forget things about them, things I need to remember. Maybe I should make a list of what I need to recall before I go. That should make it less likely that I forget something vital.

Afternoon

I wanted to spend the rest of the day with the children, since I won't be seeing them for a while. That's proving difficult right now, since the boys are with Ishmael for their drawing lessons, and Grayson has asked to draw a picture of Jalana. I could hardly say no to Grayson's request. I'm too grateful that he's bonding with someone, even if it isn't me. And what excuse could I give? I've only told the children that I'll be gone for a few days. If they knew it would be longer for me, they might want to know why, and I don't want to worry them. They know what happened to the last group that tried to regrow Ygg, after all. I have put enough stress on them lately, especially Jalana. I'd rather she didn't spend the next two days fearing that I might not return.

Well, that's the last of the things I need to resolve before I leave. Grayson finally has his own money, so he no longer needs to come to me. It seemed ridiculous for a grown man to need to ask his mother for money, and I'm sure it wasn't comfortable for him, either. This much, at least, I can do for him. With Lucien appraised of the children's new tutors, I can think of nothing else outstanding that I must deal with. We've decided to have the children begin their lessons tomorrow, after I depart. I confess, I do not mind the prospect of being absent when the boys learn this news.

Gavin stopped by while I was playing with Ana and Briana, wanting to continue his conjuration lessons. I convinced him to wait until after the ball, not wanting to waste any of my precious remaining time today. He did not leave immediately, however. Instead, he asked me what the definition of treason is. Treason? What in the name of the gods is he getting involved with now? Is he in contact with Ronan's followers again? Or is it something else? He claimed he wanted to know because he's curious as to how the King handles criticism. This doesn't exactly reassure me. I suggested that he not bother Nicholas right now. I hope he takes this advice to heart more than he's done my advice about his cat. He still refuses to investigate anything about her, blithely trusting that she will not betray him, despite all of the grief that has befallen him since their paths first crossed. Eral, how can he be so blind? What if the cat poses a danger not only to him, but others as well? Maybe I should warn Benedict. Assuming Benedict doesn't already know.

Gavin also mentioned Nimue's change of attitude. I must admit, it is rather striking. Is her new position affecting her personality, or is she simply wearing a kinder facade while appearing in public? I'd like to believe the former, but... It's curious that she hasn't bothered Gavin lately about walking the Pattern. Either something has happened such that the Pattern no longer urgently needs the added power, or she's simply changed her approach. If the latter, I wish her luck. Gavin is obviously quite stubborn.

I suppose it was too much to hope that no one would question me about what I did to Brand. Gavin voiced the question that has been bothering me since that night - what must Brand think of his injuries, now that he can't remember why he got them? I can only hope that Clarissa was able to heal him before he regained consciousness. Most of his wounds can be dealt with that way. But mine... I used a Takaran blade on him. Such wounds can't be easily healed. At least not by any means Lucien knows of. I wish I had known in advance what his final punishment would be. Not that I would have stayed my hand. I had no choice. What he did was...is unforgivable. But if I'd known that they were going to take his memory afterwards, I would have chosen a different blade with which to exact my revenge.

I am beginning to wish I had not allowed Jalana to visit Grayson alone. She mentioned that he had another visitor, a faerie woman named Sarah. The only faerie Grayson has ever mentioned to me was Jack... No, I'm being paranoid. Surely he wouldn't have invited Jack here, after I specifically warned him of the consequences of such an action. I want to go to his quarters to see for myself, but I said I would leave him alone for a while when last we spoke. I have to give him time to adjust. Gods, I pray that wasn't Jack. The thought of Jalana being near that creature... It's enough to make me sick.

Evening

Grayson wasn't at dinner, and he's not in his quarters, either. Where could he be? I hope he's simply gone into town, as he did before. It's so hard not to worry about him, not to check and make sure he's all right. I have to keep reminding myself that he's 60 years old. That's ten years older than I was when I first came to Amber, and I survived with no one to help me. I'm sure he can take care of himself. If he's not at breakfast, *then* I'll worry. Tonight...tonight is for saying goodbye.

It was hard to put the children to bed, knowing that this is my last night with them for a while. It's amazing how even the most insignificant things take on much greater meaning under such circumstances. I find myself feeling sad over the silliest things... It's going to be a long night.

I don't know why I needed to say goodbye to Shard. I suppose it had something to do with the fact that I haven't spoken to him since before we rescued Nicholas...so much has changed since then. It was a strange conversation, this time. He still seems terribly lonely. I wish there was something I could do to help. Except for becoming like him. He says that if I were a vampire, the things that hurt me so would cease to concern me. But those things are a large part of who I am. Without my concern for my family, my friends, what would be left of me?

I thought Lucien had accepted my friendship with Shard. I suppose that was naive of me. He believes that if I continue to spend time with Shard, his loneliness will eventually drive him to make me a vampire, that it is the nature of vampires to destroy those who get close to them. And it's disturbing to realize that I can become like Shard merely by drinking his blood, something he could easily force me to do if he wished. When I thought the only way to become a vampire was to be bitten three times, I at least had the comfort of knowing that I could walk the Pattern before it was too late. But if Lucien is right, and Shard already has the power to make me a vampire if he wishes to, then whether I remain his friend or cut him out of my life makes no difference in the end, right? Gods, I don't know what to think. Eral knows that Lucien has more experience with vampires than I do, but...how can I abandon my friend based on something he *might* do? I can't think of a more certain way to drive him to become what everyone fears he will be then by treating him as though he already is like that. And I can't do that to him.

I had a feeling the idea would bother Lucien. I don't know why he was so reluctant to admit it. I know he hates to influence me unduly, but in this case I feel better off knowing how he feels. I didn't want to spend five years wondering if I'd be hurting him or not. And it will make it easier for me to endure our time apart. At least I hope it will.

Amber, year 16, day 316 (Sunday, August 27, 2994)

Morning

The dawn has come at last. It is too soon for me. I'm not ready. Where did the night go? Gods, only a few more hours before I leave... No, I mustn't dwell on that. Better to remember the night we just spent together. I'm going to need that memory to get through the lonely time ahead.

Grayson wasn't at breakfast, he isn't answering his Trump, and he's not in his quarters. His bed hasn't been slept in, and there are traces of faerie magic in the room. Now I'm beginning to worry. To make matters worse, I've been notified that the Ygg expedition is leaving in an hour. How can I go when I don't know if something's happened to him? But I have to go, I can't back out now. Where is he? Why can't I trace the magic I detected? If it was from Grayson, I should be able to trace it. Gods, what if that faerie really was Jack yesterday?

Neither Lucien nor Whimsy has had any more success with tracing the magic than I did. It must have been Jack. There aren't many who could block all of us besides him. Fiona could, I'm sure, but she has no reason to be involved with Grayson, and I'm sure Whimsy would recognize her mother's signature. Someone from Avalon, perhaps? Do any of them even know faerie magic? I don't know what to do. I'm running out of time. How am I supposed to leave for five years without knowing if Grayson is alive or dead? What if Whimsy's right, and this is my fault? What if I drove Grayson away?

There's no more time. We have to leave. I feel as though I'm hanging on by a thread. Where is he? Gods, I'm doing this partially for him. With the chasm mended, he can contact his mother again. I wanted to let him know that, to let him know that he just had to hang on for a few more days. That he didn't have to do anything rash. I should have told him yesterday. Why didn't I? Better I risk smothering him than this. What if he's hurt? Please, gods, let Lucien or Whimsy find him. Let him be all right. This isn't how I wanted to say goodbye.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on January 23, 1998 by Kris Fazzari.