Ygg's Shadow, year 16, day 319

My love, I remember how you said you used to talk to my body, during those years you spent in Faerie. I begin to understand how that was a comfort to you. I don't have your body to speak to, but I have the stone you gave me to draw comfort from. If I touch it as I write to you, I can almost imagine that you're here listening to me. Almost. I miss you terribly. I find it difficult to sleep at night. I keep reaching out and expecting to find you there. I'm not used to sleeping alone. And I still ache when I think of how I left things back in Amber. I wish I knew where Grayson was. I know scarcely minutes have passed since we left, but it's hard to truly comprehend that. I feel like I've abandoned him. What business have I coming here when my son might be in danger?

Ygg's Shadow, year 16, day 321

It appears that my presence on this team isn't all that necessary, now that the seedling has been planted. At least not on a regular basis. I should have stayed in Amber. The empty time weighs heavily on me here. It gives me too much time to think. Whimsy thinks Grayson left because I'm so depressive. I'm beginning to think she's right, my love. I've even managed to drive you away, and I never wanted to do that. But I don't know how to change that, either. Thinking about it only makes me more depressed. Sometimes I wonder if this cycle will ever end...

Ygg's Shadow, year 16, day 323

Ishmael won't leave me alone. "Stop moping, start fighting!" I know he means well, and I can tell that he thinks he's doing the right thing, but...I just don't have the energy to fight. Not yet.

Ygg's Shadow, year 16, day 327

Ishmael talks a lot to me. Maybe it's because I'm so depressed that I don't talk back. I just listen. I don't think he's used to that. I've noticed that he mentions Whimsy most of all. It sounds like they grew up together, and they've rarely been separated. When they were, Whimsy usually got into trouble. Obviously, being separated from her again is causing him a lot of anxiety, although he won't admit it, and he gets all defensive if I even imply it. I find myself looking forward to our conversations, despite myself. At least they keep me from thinking about my own problems for a time.

Ygg's Shadow, year 16, day 332

I remember how I used to feel so centered. So sure of myself. Most people thought I was crazy for thinking that I could have any effect on a 3,000 year old assassin, but I knew there was more to you than everybody else saw. And I was right, at least about that. Even with all of my disasters, at least I brought you out of darkness, if only partway. Damn, I'm doing it again. Gods, I miss that sureness, that confidence that I used to have. Now, all I can see is my failure, even in things I succeeded at. I look for my center, and all I see is a dark, empty hole where it used to be. And no matter what I do, no matter how busy I try to keep myself, no matter how many activities I involve myself, I can't seem to fill it.

Ygg's Shadow, year 16, day 336

I have asked Benedict to be excused from my duties for a while. I need some time to myself. Unless I am alone, I think I will keep finding ways to avoid facing what I came here to do. And I must face it, or I will have endured this for nothing. Perhaps this isn't the best way to do this, but right now I can think of nothing better. I must deal with this alone. I do not intend to return until I can face myself again. Or until it drives me mad. Given my current mood, I lay even odds as to which it will be. I'm glad you aren't here to see me like this.

Ygg's Shadow, year 16, day 337

I've made camp near one of the larger lakes that I found after hiking through the forest for a day. I must admit, it is rather peaceful here. I sit here looking out over the water as I write, and I hope I can absorb some of this peace I feel around me.

Ygg's Shadow, year 16, day 340

It's probably just as well that you couldn't come with me, darling. I'm sure I'd have driven you crazy by now. Sometimes, I think I'm doing OK. I even hope that I'm getting over it. There are times where I can think of Grayson without thinking of all that I've lost with him, of how it should have been, how it would have been if Jack hadn't stolen him away... Although those times don't happen all that often. Sometimes, I feel like crying all day, and the slightest thing sets me off. I really miss you, then. It's hard without a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes, the day seems to go perfectly fine, but as soon as I lay down to sleep, I can't seem to stop crying. It's very frustrating. I know it hasn't been very long, and these things take time, but... It's hard to imagine how things can ever return to the way they were...

Ygg's Shadow, year 16, day 341

You say that you miss me, that you want me the way I used to be. You ask for the impossible. How can I be that way again, after all that's happened? Why can't you understand that, when you're one of the very reasons it can't happen? Brand only raped my body. You tore out my heart, or at least what was left of it after what Jack did. And you did it when I needed you the most. I needed your help to get through the loss of my child. I needed your support. Instead, you shattered me. You said it was your turn to be selfish. I wonder if you realize how true that was? I can understand why you acted as you did. I can even manage to forgive you. But I don't think I can ever forget. Or trust you as completely as I did before. And without that trust, how can things between us possibly ever be the way they were before?

Ygg's Shadow, year 16, day 346

I'm heading back to the base camp today. I've been gone long enough. I don't know quite what I expected to feel at this point. The pain is still there, and the hurt. But it feels more manageable now. More bearable. When did this happen? I'm not sure. Looking back, it seems like it was a slow progression. Maybe it was the time I spent underwater. There was something akin to being reborn in that first emergence into the air and light. Maybe I'll never be sure. I am sure of one thing, though. I don't ever want to go through that again.

Ygg's Shadow, year 16, day 353

You'll never believe this, but I'm taking lessons from Benedict! I still can't quite believe it. I was half-convinced that he'd say no. Which is silly, now that I think about it. It's not as though he has much more to do now than the rest of us. But still, I doubt he'd be willing to train someone if he didn't think they were worthy.

I've begun my own garden, too. I even planted some white roses. I'm already impatient for them to bloom. It's funny how I'll always associate them with you, with us, together. They make me feel closer to you. That's why I always plant them wherever I live.

Ygg's Shadow, year 17, day 1

I'm 66 today. It feels odd to pass a birthday with no one aware of it. It's rather lonely, actually. I feel horribly homesick today, more than I have since I first came here. I suppose that's to be expected.

Everything continues to go well with the tree. I've taken to talking to it while I'm with it. Don't laugh, dear. It works with the plants in my garden, why wouldn't it work here? Especially since we know it has sentience? It's no different than talking to a baby before it can speak. I know, I know, I remember enough of my psych. classes to know that I'm probably transferring the feelings I would have had for Grayson to the tree, as much as transference can possibly work between two completely different species. But talking to it makes me feel better, so where's the harm? Even if Ishmael thinks I'm crazy for doing it.

Ygg's Shadow, year 17, day 37

I've finally begun to have the urge to paint again. I suppose that's another sign of improvement. I began working on a picture of you today, the one where you're wearing that oh-so-innocent expression of yours. I admit, I started to cry after a bit, and had to stop until the tears passed, but I think it will get better. It's hard to explain, but they weren't tears of hopelessness anymore. I just missed you. But the more I think of you and the children now, the easier it is to bear your absence. You were right about that.

Ygg's Shadow, year 17, day 94

Hello, darling. It's been a few months. The workouts with Benedict are going well. The best times are when Bleys or Caine, or both, fight Benedict. There's something rewarding about watching Benedict knocking the snot out of Bleys, especially after he's just made you feel small. Not to mention the tactical lessons that come out of watching Benedict defend against a double-team. He doesn't seem to be obviously thinking except when Bleys and Caine gang up on him, and even then he's mostly watching Caine. So consequently, I've been watching Caine too. I think if I ever have to go up against Caine, I'll pray that I can take him out before he's aware of it. The sad thing is, I'm almost starting to *like* Caine. Maybe Ishmael is a bad influence on me.

I've been assisting Benedict in his men's workouts as well, mostly by serving as his practice dummy. It keeps me busy, even if I do get knocked around a bit. Not as much as his men do, though. I think he's got a soft spot for women, which I kind of resent. I suppose it explains why his army has so few women. Although, to be honest, the local culture around Amber has a lot to do with that too. But still... I suppose I can hardly expect much sympathy from you, when you're almost as bad as he is. Maybe it's genetic among Vetch males. It's going to get you in trouble. I'm sure it's already gotten you in trouble. It certainly did in Benedict's case. I somehow doubt he would have lost his arm if Lintra had been a man. Not that I'm going to point this out to him, of course. That way lies a condition Ishmael calls "too bruised to move." Not surprisingly, he's quite familiar with it. Ishmael doesn't seem to be very good at knowing when to stop talking. Or more precisely, when to think something instead of say it.

Ygg's Shadow, year 17, day 113

You remember what I told you about Gavin's cat, and how I've been concerned about it? Well, I told Benedict about it. I didn't say anything for a while, because I wasn't sure Benedict would care to be bothered about it, and it feels like I'm ratting Gavin out, but... If the cat is a danger, and Gavin does nothing about it, someone else should at least be warned. I'd feel terrible if someone was hurt by it because I'd kept silent. I know, I worry to much about these things. But telling Benedict about it has relieved my mind quite a bit. If Benedict doesn't think the cat is a threat, then it probably isn't. If he does, he'll take steps to deal with it. Either way, it's out of my hands now.

Ygg's Shadow, year 17, day 127

I'm beginning to realize that Ishmael has an abnormal fascination with knock-knock jokes. If I didn't know better, I'd think he got off on them. It's rather frustrating when you're trying to have a serious conversation, and all he wants to do is tell another knock-knock joke. But he did agree to teach me Trump, so it's worth all of the frustration. I can't wait to surprise you with that bit of information when I get back. I know I've never talked much about my interest in this area, but that's largely Dworkin's fault. He told me once that I didn't have the right blood for it, you see. Given that he lied about so many other things that he told me, I don't know why I allowed this one to affect me for so long. The fact that there aren't many Trump artists outside of the red-heads played a part, I'm sure. Brand was out of the question, Fiona would never agree to teach me, and Bleys... Well, I'm afraid of what Bleys would want as payment. But Ishmael I can handle. We've been sparring long enough for a certain level of trust to develop between us. He'll jerk my chain at times, but there's no malice there. Of all the people here, I can't think of anyone I'd trust more, except maybe Benedict, and if he knows how to draw Trump, he's not admitting it. It's exciting to think I'll finally know how this works. At least in part. Enough to use it. I know you've always had sources you can count on for acquiring Trumps, but my experience of late has led me to wish for more self-reliance. But I'm rattling on again. For all I know, Dworkin may have been right, and Ishmael's lessons won't lead to anything. Or it will turn out to be like his Takaran lessons, full of lots of talk about not being ready yet. Well, it's not like I have anything else to do here. I'd be a fool not to put all this free time to some good use.

You'll be thrilled to know that Ishmael isn't terribly fond of you, although it sounds like it has more to do with you being a Vetch than anything about you personally. Apparently, while he was in Chaos he had to deal with several Vetch assassins. I don't know if they were targeting him specifically, or all of the Amberites trapped there. He didn't say, and I didn't want to ask. It's obviously something he's rather touchy about. I suppose I should have expected Zane to try using your former house as a means of dealing with the Amberites he found in his realm. Ishmael obviously intends to return to Chaos when the chasm is mended, to settle a few scores with Zane. I don't think he'll be alone in that. I'll be there, for one. I still haven't forgotten the role certain Chaosites played in Grayson's abduction. I can't let that go unanswered.

Ygg's Shadow, year 17, day 189

You'll never believe this darling, but Ishmael seems to have a bit of an interest in Tamaryn. We had a chat about her today, and he wanted to know how she and Felix wound up together. He obviously doesn't think Tamaryn should be marrying Felix, given Felix's own demonstrated reluctance. I'll admit, I have my own doubts on that matter. There's more than friendly concern motivating Ishmael, though. Poor man, I think he's so desperate for female companionship that he's chosen Tamaryn to fixate on. I'm not terribly concerned, though. We'll see how long this fascination lasts once we finally get back to Amber.

Ygg's Shadow, year 17, day 212

I learned of the Faerie Wards today, or rather, was reminded of them. Pity Loryn never paid much attention to them. Given my recent experiences, I wouldn't mind having one of those, in case of an emergency. Apparently I'm not the only one, either, since Nicholas already has someone working on finding them. I don't imagine that will be easy. Do you know where any of them are? I'll have to remember to ask you when I get back.

Ygg's Shadow, year 17, day 258

Ishmael finally asked me about Ahab today. I've been expecting it would happen, sooner or later. We've grown pretty close, what with the amount of time we spend sparring with each other, or with Benedict. Not to mention the fact that we're the only two people from my generation here. No, don't worry, we aren't *that* close, although I doubt Ishmael would refuse if I offered. I'm not sure I could, though, even if it wasn't for you. He is so very much like Ahab, that same earnestness and brashness, all rolled up together. I fear that sleeping with Ishmael would be like sleeping with Ahab's ghost. I suppose I should be thankful for the resemblance. It does make it easier to resist when the urge to sleep with somebody hits me. I do my best to avoid Bleys during those times. Benedict is too unapproachable, and Caine is, well, Caine, but Bleys... Never mind, I'm sure you don't want a listing of who I'm lusting after in my loneliness. I'd still rather have you here than any of them. But I was talking about Ishmael. It doesn't sound like anyone's told him much about his brother, which is rather odd. I mean, I know Ahab and Caine never got along, but I'm surprised Caine would pass up the opportunity to badmouth him. And Fiona always seemed to like him, certainly more than she's ever liked me. And Nicholas was his son... I know they were under a great deal of stress, and weren't sure if they'd see Amber again, but didn't they ever talk about the past at all?

Ygg's Shadow, year 17, day 302

I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of determining who's Trumping me before I answer. It seems so simple, in principle. You pass your fingers over your Trumps until you find the cold one. It's detecting that minute difference in sensation that's difficult. All working Trumps feel cold, after all. Of course, it doesn't do you much good if you don't happen to have a Trump of the person who's calling you, but once I learn how to draw Trump, that will be less of a problem. I was kind of annoyed with Ishmael when he insisted that I learn how to do this first, but I must admit that it's a useful skill. Not only do I have a better feel for how Trumps work now, but I can more easily decide whether or not to take a Trump call. Someone can still force a contact, of course, but that's a lot harder to do than preventing someone from breaking a contact that they've already opened. And it gives you time to prepare a defense.

Ygg's Shadow, year 18, day 115

Have I mentioned the nearly uncontrollable urge I have to throttle Ishmael sometimes? He is so insufferable! Given how well my own Trump lessons are going, I decided to ask if he would be willing to teach the children Trump. Shannon and Vincent have expressed an interest in learning, and he's already giving them art lessons. He had the nerve to smugly inform me that he's already started teaching them! How could he? He has no right to do something like that without consulting us about it first. I don't care of it's something I would have agreed to anyway, he still should have asked. Damn it, they're not his children! Oooooh! What I wouldn't give to wipe that grin off of his face right now.

Ygg's Shadow, year 19, day 26

Hello, darling. I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, but there hasn't been much to tell. I still think of you and the children every day, never fear. The tree continues to grow, and we have yet to suffer any sort of attack on it. My Trump lessons are also going quite well, my love. I've actually been able to draw some working Trumps. The first one was of Ishmael, and it took me weeks to complete, but I seem to be improving with practice. I certainly hope so. I'm currently working on Trumps of the children, and one of you. By the time I get home, I should have Trumps of all the people and places I'm missing now. Well, at least the ones I'm familiar enough with to draw. And even if they don't work, the practice will be good for me.

I've also begun to reforge my sword. Chalk up another change to Jack. Cold iron daggers are fine, but Alastor does more damage than a dagger, and I want it to be able to affect faeries with it as well. Just in case I need to. So I'm running cold iron through the blade. I owe Ahab for the idea, actually. He did the same with Morglyph long ago, before he made it into a Pattern sword. I realize that I could just carry Morglyph, but in a few years it will be Morgan's, at which point I'd need to do this anyway. And, as I've said before, I have plenty of time. I've been able to conjure everything I'll need, and I took care not to make any of it permanent. It will last long enough for my purposes, then leave the landscape as it was. I'd hate to leave a mess behind when we leave.

Ygg's Shadow, year 20, day 138

I didn't mean to let quite so much time pass before writing again, but one day pretty much blends into the next here, and it's easy to loose track of time. Things are much as they were before. My lessons with Benedict and Ishmael continue. Ygg continues to grow, and I continue to talk to it, but it has not responded to me yet. I finished the work I told you I was doing on my sword, and I am well satisfied with the results. I believe Ishmael is still trying to find a way to "get" Benedict, with some assistance from Caine, but if he's come up with a brainstorm yet, he hasn't shared it with me. Ishmael still delights in telling knock-knock jokes. Like I said, things haven't changed all that much.

It's funny the things you think of when you have a lot of time on your hands. I spend a lot of time thinking about you and the children, of course. But I've been thinking about other things, too. About Amber, for one thing. It's funny, I wanted nothing better than to leave it, and yet my mind keeps thinking of things that could be done in the city, things that might help the people who live there. Go ahead, say it. Call me a busybody. I can't help it. I think I have some good ideas, anyway. The city needs a hospital, for one thing. Not just for the disasters that keep being inflicted on it, but for everyday injuries. And there should be a library. Books shouldn't only be for those who can afford their own private libraries. And...well, there's more, but that will do for now. I must be crazy to be even thinking of trying to do any of this. If establishing a hospital could be done, surely Gérard would have tried it already.

Ygg's Shadow, year 21, day 252

Ygg actually answered me back today! I always say hello when I approach, and when it replied, "Good morning," it took me a minute to register that it had actually responded. Heh. Why do I feel like a mother hearing her child's first words? We talked for a while, although I still did most of the speaking. Ygg only consciously remembers me talking to it for the past month or so, and it's still ignorant of much of the world around it. I've begun trying to explain Amber, Avalon, Chaos, Middlecourt, Faerie and Shadow to it. I imagine when we transplant it to the site of its predecessor, things will be much clearer to it, but at least it can learn the basics from me. Besides, it said it likes to hear me talk. It's funny, Shard once told me the same thing. I suppose I must have a pleasant voice, because it can't be anything I'm actually saying... Anyway, once things are settled, if you ever pass near Ygg you should stop by and say hello. I've told it all about you. :)

Ygg's Shadow, year 21, day 274

I don't know if it's because Ygg has begun talking, or some other sign I can't recognize, but it looks like our stay here is almost at an end. We're to break camp and return home within the month. It's such a strange feeling. I've been here so long that sometimes it seemed like we'd never be going home. And now we are. I don't quite feel the way I expected to. It's like beginning to wake up after a long sleep. I've slowly started thinking of things that I've done my best to forget for the past five years. Like Grayson. It's strange. I probe the wound, waiting for the pain, expecting it to hurt, but... It still does, but it's more of a dull ache than the sharp pain I feared. It's not so overwhelming anymore. You were right, I guess. I think I can look at him now and see the man he is, not the child I lost. At least most of the time. I'm not promising it will no longer upset me, but I think I can let him go now, and try not to mother him quite so hard. He already has a mother, anyway. I just hope that there's room for me in his life somewhere. I made room for Mother, after all. Gods, I never thought I'd be in her position.

All of this assumes that Grayson's all right, of course. I've had a lot of time to think about that, too, and I believe that he must be. If he did leave with Jack, and it does seem likely that he did, then he must be alive. If Jack intended to kill him, I think he would have done it before now. I'm not naive enough to believe that Jack will leave him unscathed, but I've gained enough distance for that not to twist me up inside as much as it did before. I did warn him about Jack. There was nothing else I could have done. At 60, he's more than old enough to make his own decisions, and to deal with the consequences of them. Gods, that sounds so terribly cold. I don't mean that I want him to be hurt, of course. You know that. I just realize that it wasn't my fault. I finally understand that. Heh. I wish you were here right now to hear me say that. I can only imagine the shock on your face.

Ygg's Shadow, year 21, day 287

I've removed the infertility "spell" that I set on myself back when I first regained my body. I never told you I did that. I wonder if you even noticed in the short time we were together after that? I should have said something to you, I know. I knew it then. But it was too painful for me to talk about. I just knew I couldn't bear the thought of having another child. I didn't think I'd ever want to risk it again. But now... I think resolving my feelings about Grayson has enabled me to consider it again. I admit, I'm still terrified of the idea of carrying a child. I'm afraid that I will lose it as I did Grayson. But I don't think that will ever get any better unless I try again. And I think I need to have a baby. I need a child to fill the void that Grayson left in me. I hope you can understand that.

Ygg's Shadow, year 21, day 296

I had been planning to show you these letters when I returned, but looking back over the things I wrote, I'm not so sure anymore. I said some pretty harsh things about you at the beginning. They were true, I won't pretend otherwise, but I don't think it will do us any good to keep dredging up the past. I'd like to think we've both learned enough in our time apart to make that unnecessary. And I don't want to hurt you, especially not right after I return home. Maybe you won't remember that I was even going to write these.

Ygg's Shadow, year 21, day 298

Darling, it is hard to believe that in less than a day I will be home at last. Home... Gods I've missed it. Not Amber. Amber is not what makes it home. It's all of you. When I was studying in med. school, I remember hearing the phrase "Home is where the heart is." I thought I understood it then, and I suppose I did to some extent. But now it really *means* something to me. My home is where my heart is. And you have always had my heart. I can't wait to see you and the children again.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on March 6, 1998 by Kris Fazzari.