Amber, year 16, day 310 continued

Whimsy and Ishmael appear to have had some sort of spat. I don't think Flora's going to be pleased about the rut Ishmael's sword is carving in the floor. I wonder what's gotten into them, anyway? They remind me of the way the boys behaved when we came back from Bedlam. It's probably due to the change in environment. Amber must be pretty different than whatever they're used to. Whatever the reason, I'm glad Ishmael canceled today's lesson. I'd rather sit with Lavender and Foster, right now. I'm not sure if my presence is helping Tamaryn and Driscoll or not, but I can't think of anything else to do to help.

I still don't know why Whimsy is so convinced that Jack isn't behind what happened to Foster and Lavender. He has the most motive to destroy the Ygg project. Why would Brand care if Ygg is regrown or not? Maybe Jack didn't wipe their minds himself, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if he had demanded that of Brand in exchange for allowing Brand to escape. Jack never does anything for free. He wouldn't have freed Brand unless it benefited him, somehow.

Whimsy wants to come with me when I go to Chaos, to retrieve her son's headstone. I said she could, provided that Florian has no objections. How could I possibly have refused her? I understand better than most the pain that she must feel. How has she managed for so long, keeping so much of her grief to herself? It isn't healthy.

Afternoon

I wish I knew what as happening in there. I know we had to leave, lest Foster and Lavender be frightened by the appearance of so many strange faces. Even their children had to leave. But I hate feeling so helpless. I wish there was something I could do.

That proved easier than I'd thought it would. Random was willing to provide me with sketch of Doran right away. I'll have to explain how I came to have an unknown son to him at some point, but fortunately, he was too busy to ask for the whole story right now. I'm sure the argument I heard taking place between Nicholas and Eric had a lot to do with that. Arguing over what to do with Brand, no doubt. I hope that whatever they decide, it eliminates the threat he's posed to the family for so long. He's demonstrated that he can't be kept prisoner for long, nor can he be trusted to reform for any length of time. He must be killed, or mindwiped, or blocked from continuing his ways. Otherwise, he will someday transfer his attention from me to Jalana, just as he transferred it from Mother to me. Not to mention what he might do to Doran, if I succeed in bringing him back from Chaos. I can't allow that to happen.

Apparently Ishmael can draw Trump sketches, and he seemed miffed that I'd asked Random to draw Doran instead of him. Well, I would have asked him if he'd ever bothered to mention his skill in that area before. It certainly would have been easier than involving Random, and having to explain things to him. Random seemed annoyed that I hadn't told him that Doran is in Chaos, and wanted me to take Ishmael along as a bodyguard. Damn it, if he'd asked me where Doran was, I would have told him. I just didn't feel like volunteering the information, because then he would have wanted to know why he was there. Or maybe he wouldn't have drawn the sketch at all. Gods, it's not like I was running off to Chaos foolishly. For one thing, Lucien is far too overprotective to let me do something like that. He stopped me when I tried going after Doran the first time, after all. As for taking Ishmael along, if everything goes as planned, I probably won't even need a bodyguard. Of course, things rarely do work out as planned. And then there is Random's second point, about Ishmael needing something to do. Ishmael's done a lot for me recently. Not all of it helpful, but I appreciate how he's trying to help with the boys. If this will help him in some way, well...it can't hurt to have another fighter along. I just hope Whimsy doesn't mind.

Whether Whimsy minds or not would seem to be moot at the moment. She's nowhere to be found in the castle, and I have no way to get a hold of her. I feel terrible about not taking her with me, even if Ishmael thinks she'll "deal." But I can't delay any longer, either. Every minute I waste here, months or even years are passing in Chaos. My son was already 30 when Lucien obtained the information about him. Eral only knows how old he could be now. I just can't wait any longer.

Rebma

Demons. We have to be turned into demons in order to cross the chasm. This is all I needed. Why didn't Lucien warn me about this? Damn it! I don't know if I can do this. But I don't have a choice. It's the only way to get to my son. Oh gods, I don't want to do this. I wonder if Doran will ever understand what I went through to find him?

Somewhere in Shadow

I think I'll remember the expression on Bleys' face for as long as I live. I've never actually seem him so completely thrown by anything before. I'm sure few people have. Well, there was a reason I tried to resist the call. I wonder what Nicholas plans to announce at dinner tonight? Have he and Eric come to an agreement regarding Brand? Has Brand been caught?

The Chasm

This place frightens me like no place I have ever been, or even imagined. I should have expected this. I mean, if the creature I needed to become in order to survive this crossing was so vile, what must its native environment be like? Now I know, and I'd give anything to forget. It feels like we've been running through here forever, and there are...things...chasing us. Things that feel even worse than the monster I have become. Gods, help us to get out of here alive. And to survive the return trip that we must still make.

Chaos

I knew Dor...Grayson wouldn't recognize me. I wasn't expecting him to know nothing of me, though. They never told him he was adopted. I should have been expecting that. Why risk dividing his loyalties by letting him know of relations in Amber? But even without knowing of me, he came with us anyway. What kinds of horrible things have they done to him here, that he'd be willing to leave all that he has ever known for his entire life, to run off with a strange woman who claims that she's his mother? I was terrified that he was going to say no. I wish there had been more time to explain everything to him. But every minute we stayed, the risk increased that we'd be detected. I suppose some would say I was a fool for even asking him, as opposed to just taking him. But it had to be his choice to leave. If I kidnapped him from his home, I'd be no better than those who took him from me. And he would always resent me for that. I was prepared to let him stay, if he had chosen to do so. Even if it would have broken my heart. But he came with us, and a part of me still can't believe I finally have him back. Assuming we all survive the return trip.

Rebma

Evening

I should have been expecting him to ask about his father. Part of me wonders if I shouldn't have lied about that, but it would have come out some day. I tried to put him off the topic, but he kept coming back to it, and eventually I had to tell him the truth. Or part of it, at least. I told him that Brand is his father, but not how he came to be conceived. I'd like to give him more time to adjust before I tell him about that. He'll have to know eventually, though. He knows I am married to someone else, after all, and I cannot pretend to even like the man who raped me. I just can't. It will be impossible to convince him that I ever had any affection for Brand. But please, gods, let him not pursue the matter just yet. He needs more time. I need more time. How do you tell your child that his father raped you, and that's how he came to be born?

Amber

The gods obviously enjoy mocking me. I asked for time. I got only a few hours. I shouldn't have convinced Doran to come to Amber. I shouldn't have brought him to see Random. He could have waited until tomorrow to get new clothes in town. The items I conjured for him weren't going to dissolve. I'm good enough that they don't have to, anymore. But I stupidly thought that it would be easier for him to borrow clothes than explain this to him, and I wanted to ask Random what had happened at dinner. I'm such a fool. Of course the news would involve Brand, and of course that would interest Grayson. And when asked why he cared, of course he would admit that Brand was his father. I never told him not to, after all, not wanting to give away how bad the truth was. Well, he certainly suspects it now. I haven't seen that expression on Random's face since he was King. So now what do I do? Lie for the time being, and tell him the truth later? Because he'll learn the truth eventually. Enough people know of it that it's bound to slip out sooner or later. These sorts of secrets never keep. Deirdre couldn't keep the truth about Ahab's father secret, after all, and almost no one knew about that. And I remember how furious Ahab was when he found out. How angry he was that he'd been lied to. Grayson would be angry once he learned I lied to him, too, and I wouldn't even have the cushion of having raised him that Deirdre did with Ahab. No, I can't lie to him. I won't found our relationship on deceit. And I can't just say nothing, not after he witnessed Random's reaction to the information. He knows something's wrong. And if I don't tell him what it is, he'll just imagine all sorts of possibilities, none of them good. I would, in his position. But I'm not sure I can tell him the truth, either. Could any of his imaginings possibly be worse than what actually happened?

There are few moments in my life that were more wretched than these last ones have been. I told him. I don't know how I did it, but I told him. And he asked me to leave. He hates me, I know he does. Gods, why do I always make such a terrible mess of things? Why do I always hurt the people I care about?

Amber, year 16, day 311 (Friday, August 25, 2994)

Morning

Jalana came looking for me, since she knew I didn't come home last night. How did she know? She was afraid I'd been fighting with Lucien again. I told her a bit about Grayson - just that he was my child, and that he'd grown up in Chaos. She wants to see him, and I can't come up with a reason not to that won't make her suspicious. Besides, maybe seeing her will help Grayson. I'll try anything, right now. I'm just afraid that Grayson's parentage will come up again. I should tell Jalana about that ahead of time. I should prepare her. But I can't. Revealing it all to Grayson last night took a lot out of me, and I just don't have the strength to deal with it, right now, or the questions that will follow.

Both my hopes and my fears were realized. Grayson warmed up to Jalana much more than he has to me. I almost felt as though I were invisible around them as they talked. But Grayson also mentioned who his father is. Jalana took it pretty well, and didn't say much of anything, but I can tell that she feels hurt inside. I've always warned the children strongly to stay away from Brand, for their own safety. She must feel like I've betrayed them by sleeping with Brand. And betrayed their father by having a baby with him. This keeps getting more and more complicated by the minute. Explaining the truth to her will be just as hard as it was for Grayson. And I can't face that now.

Afternoon

Foster was at lunch today, and it made my spirits lift a bit when he recognized me. I was a bit surprised when he blushed, though. It seems he can remember people and his feeling for them, but not the history behind those feelings. I suppose that explains the blush. He must still have some of the feelings for me that he demonstrated when he first came to Amber. That could be a bit awkward. I wonder what he remembers about Lucien? I hope he remembers their reconciliation. I don't want to have to go through that again.

Foster remembers Lucien, all right, but apparently his memories of their reconciliation were a bit slow to come to the fore. I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose. He had decades of hating Lucien vs. only half a dozen years of better experience to counter that. I didn't think he'd break a chair over Lucien's head, though. In front of the children, to make matters worse. They took it better than I feared they would. Except for Grayson, of course. He must think we're all crazy.

Maybe I should have just let him go, but I had to try to explain. And I was worried about him. I think Brand will kill him if he ever gets the chance. Grayson is incontrovertible proof that he raped me, after all. Grayson argued that he's been taking care of himself for 60 years in Chaos. 60 years! I felt like screaming. He's only five years younger than me! Gods, now I know something of how Felix felt when he learned Foster's age. It isn't natural. He should be still inside of me, not standing here almost as old as I am. This shouldn't be happening.

Lucien's head is OK, although I can't say the same for his pride. He didn't want to talk about it. That's fine, I didn't want to discuss Grayson, either. Every time I see him, he gets all nervous and then wants to be left alone. It's almost like I frighten him. But that can't be. I haven't done anything that should frighten him. Damn it, it's not my fault that his father raped me! I had no control over that. Gods, I never imagined this would be so difficult. Of course, I never really imagined much at all beyond finding Grayson and bringing him home. Now that I've done that, I'm not sure what to do, anymore.

At least I managed to straighten things out with Random. He's been avoiding me ever since he learned that Brand is Grayson's father. I couldn't allow him to go on thinking that I actually slept with Brand of my own volition. He actually asked me if it was an affair full of love. How could he think that? I was actually grateful that he put it that way, though. It made it much easier for me to admit that Brand raped me. Poor Random looked so chagrined that I almost felt sorry for him. Now he knows why I attacked Brand in the dining room, when he returned to Amber. He told me that they plan to question Brand before they kill him, which makes me feel somewhat less uneasy about it. I don't mind the thought of his death, certainly, but I want someone to at least be aware of all the things that he was doing before he dies, and who he was working with. Otherwise, who knows when some unknown ally of his may try to get revenge?

Evening

Grayson wasn't at dinner. After the way lunch went today, I shouldn't be surprised. Lavender was there, though, and I talked to her for a little while. She didn't recognize me until I told her my name. She only remembers her life up until she first walked the Pattern, and I was still in my faerie form them. She was rather surprised to find that my newborn twins were now 12, and that there were four more children. Well, five including Grayson, but I didn't think it was wise to get into that. Lavender's had enough shocks to deal with as it is. Imagine suddenly learning that you have five children and two husbands, none of which you remember. She seems to be handling it pretty well. I'm willing to bet her absence at lunch was due to an expedition into Shadow to take out her frustration in some war or other. Much like Iseult disappeared after learning what had happened to her parents. I wonder if Lavender's realized how much Iseult is like her yet?

I spoke with Jalana after dinner, about Grayson, and Brand, and why I had his child. Naturally, I made a complete mess of it. She no longer thinks I betrayed them, at least, but now she's distressed by what happened to me. I don't think it ever occurred to her before that such a thing could happen. Another childhood illusion shattered, thanks to me. At this rate, it shouldn't take me long to work my way through all of the children.

Whimsy is the one who invited Jack to Amber. I knew she was a suspect, but... I feel terribly hurt, which is silly, I know. Whimsy didn't know Jack was the Faerie Avatar until I told her. Nor did she know that he was the one who stole my child. She just thought she was inviting a friend. But she still seems to think I'm overreacting in regards to him. Hah! What if it was her son that had been stolen? Would she be so forgiving then?

Amber, year 16, day 312 (Saturday, August 26, 2994)

Early morning

My mind is such turmoil right now, that I can scarcely think straight. I can't believe it's over. In the end, they didn't kill Brand, but they erased his Pattern and then his mind, thus killing the part of him that took such delight in tormenting others. There is some irony in how he was punished, given what he probably did to Foster and Lavender. I can live with that. For Grayson's sake, it's better this way. At least someday he may be able to meet the new Brand. It's not as though Brand's lack of memory should matter. There were no tender, loving memories of Grayson to erase, after all. He would have killed Grayson, if he could have. Now, that threat is gone, along with all the others. I hope Mother can find some peace now. I hope I can, as well. Thank the gods that Grayson wasn't called to witness Brand's punishment. I'm not sure I could have done what I needed to do with him there. No, I know I couldn't have. To be honest, I wasn't expecting an opportunity to redress my grievances with Brand. I thought they would either kill him, or mindwipe him, and that would be the end of it. I wasn't expecting Nicholas to give us free reign to punish Brand for what he'd done to us, short of killing him. And I definitely wasn't expecting to go first. Maybe Nicholas understands everything that Brand has put me through better than I thought. All I know is that I felt incredibly self-conscious as I approached Brand. I knew what I was going to do, knew what I *had* to do. I've known that ever since Brand strolled into the dining room in Amber that one time. I was just afraid that it might be seen as too extreme. No one else had punished him yet, so I had no other examples to go by. I needn't have worried. What Fiona did to him made my punishment tame by comparison, and Mother seemed miffed, as if I'd stolen her idea. I only wish I could have seen his face before I cut him. Did he feel any regret at all for what he did? I'll never know. I couldn't risk looking into his eyes to find out. I wish I could have shared with him the pain that I've experienced because of him. I think Fiona shared enough with him for both of us, though. Thank you, Aunt Fiona.

It's over. It's finally over.

Somehow, after all of that, it seemed appropriate to go out and get completely drunk. Not in misery and loneliness, as I have done so often in the recent past, but in relief and celebration. I rather like Whimsy when she's drunk. She loses a lot of her barriers. She talked a lot more about herself than is usual, too, judging by Ishmael's reaction to what she was saying. She told us that her son's father was a Jesby, who married her, raped her, and then abandoned her. So she killed him for it. I can understand that. It's the way that she killed him that's rather disturbing. It makes what I did to Brand seem much less vicious in comparison. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have brought her any sort of peace. I wish it had. What must poor Ishmael have thought, surrounded by drunken women confessing to how they'd killed or nearly killed their husbands? I'll bet he never marries now.

Morning

It is rare that I have felt both jealousy and gratitude for someone, but that is exactly what I feel for Eleanor Eireg. The gratitude is real and heartfelt. The jealousy is irrational, but equally heartfelt. She loved Grayson, despite her husband's disappointment with him, despite the fact that he was the child of another. From the sound of it, she was the only person he knew who loved him. It is because of her that my worst fears of him growing up alone were not realized. His life does not sound like it was happy, by any stretch, not if the thought of returning fills him with such panic. But she provided a spot of love to counter all the rest, and I can never repay her for that. Despite this, however, there is a part of me that cringes whenever I hear her name, that bursts in anger whenever I hear him call her "mother." For she is to him what my adoptive mother was to me. She got to witness all the special moments in his life, to hear his dreams and fears, to watch him grow and learn and discover the world around him. She knows when he was born, and what he likes to eat, and what his hobbies are. She knows what his first word was, and when he learned to read. I know none of that. She had a son. My son. I have a man not much younger than I, with my hair, and my eyes, and enough of me in him that I almost want to cry sometimes, when I see myself so clearly reflected in him. I have a stranger who I sometimes feel like I understand better than myself. A son who I love, but cannot seam to speak to without bringing some new pain into his life. Yet I am afraid to leave him alone, lest he think I don't care about him any more than the Eiregs did. And I mourn the life he should have had, if Jack had not interfered. Damn Jack. If it were possible to use our bloodcurse on an Avatar, I would without hesitation. There can be no forgiveness for what he did. I will hate him for it for the rest of my days.

I have to come to yet another difficult decision in what seems to have been a string of them. Grayson needs some time to himself, and so do I, I think. More than him, even. I keep looking at him and seeing the baby I lost, not the man he has become. Maybe if I take some time away, I can get over that. Working on the Ygg project would certainly give me plenty of that. But it would mean spending so much time away from my family... I've never been gone so long from them before. I'm not sure I can do it. But I think I may have to. I'm no good to the children this way, and I'm smothering Grayson. At least this way, I can do something to help make it easier for him to contact Eleanor. I can do that much for him. If they even need me. I can't be sure that they do. If not, at least I tried. If so...then I have some goodbyes to say. I'll know within a day what the answer is. That gives me today to prepare myself. To spend enough time with Lucien and the children to somehow last me over the years. It's going to be terribly lonely.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on September 27, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.