Amber, year 16, day 252 continued

So, the Jewel was taken from Nicholas by the leader of the forces who attacked Ygg. Brand did not save it while Nicholas was fighting Zane, as he claimed. Zane was not the one who attacked Ygg, as Brand claimed. How convenient that Brand turned up with the Jewel in Amber. Hah. If anyone was foolish enough to believe Brand's tale before, surely they've seen the light now. He obviously attacked Nicholas trying to get the Jewel, but his allies turned out to have their own agenda, namely the destruction of Ygg. They must have been from the Unseelie Court, even if they appeared human. I know better than anyone how looking human does not mean that you *are* human. And who else would benefit from the destruction of Ygg except Faerie? I hope Nicholas makes Brand pay dearly for all that he's done.

Whimsy still seems to be holding a grudge against Adam Helgram. I can't blame her, really. From her perspective, he turned them in, then changed sides again when the odds turned against the Hendrakes. Maybe he did. He just never struck me as the sort of person who would do that, on the occasions that I've met him in the past. I keep remembering the way he returned my wave when we left. He didn't look like someone who'd just betrayed two sides. He looked happy that we'd succeeded, and that Nicholas and the others were going home. Maybe I'm being naive. It has been a century there, after all. People change in far less time than that. Sometimes almost overnight.

I needed that. I needed to fight someone I couldn't possibly hurt while going all out. Ishmael certainly qualifies. He continues to remind me of his brother. It's almost painful to watch. He has Ahab's cocky attitude and warped sense of humor. It's eerie to see how much he resembles someone who died before he was even born. I'm not sure how to react to it. Part of me wants to trust him, the way I did Ahab. Even though I know that's foolish. The other part of me wants to stay away from him, to keep my distance. Just in case he turns out to have a death wish like Ahab did, as well.

Amber, year 16, day 253 (Monday, August 21, 2994)

Morning

Ishmael appears to have a good measure of Ahab's callousness as well. God damn him. At least I made it back to my quarters. I won't cry in front of everyone. I won't.

I am beginning to understand why I feel such a strange closeness to Whimsy, even though we barely know each other. She, too, has lost a child. Maybe I sensed that, on some level. I'm not sure why else I would have told her what Brand did to me, when I've told no one else the full story, save Lucien. We understand each other, I think. The pain, the emptiness, the bitterness. She, though, has no other children, cannot have any more children. I have six remaining to me. Six constant reminders to me of the absence of the seventh. I cannot choose the route Whimsy has. I do not have the luxury of simply avoiding everything that reminds me of my loss. My remaining children need me. Especially with their father gone. I can't just abandon them. But sometimes, it's so hard to see them...

Benedict wants his Takaran daggers back. I should have known we wouldn't be allowed to keep them for long. Assuming that page truly was from Benedict. These days, I'm not sure of anything. It certainly would be the perfect cover for collecting a good number of Takaran weapons. Just in case, I'm going to return my set in person.

I took Whimsy's advice and spoke to Jalana. I could not bring myself to explain what's upsetting me, though. I thought perhaps I could, but... She's too young. How do you tell your own child that you were raped? And that you conceived a child from it, a child that you then lost? I can't. I just can't. I think some good came out of our talk anyway. I understand now that Jalana can't stop worrying about me, anymore than I can stop worrying about her. Forcing her to stay away from me will only make her feel worse. It seems I have no choice but to accept her presence, much as I wish it were otherwise. At least I think I do. Sometimes I think being alone only makes the pain worse. It certainly doesn't seem to have eased Whimsy's pain any, even though she lost her child years ago.

Vixen is looking for Lucien. I wish her luck in finding him. I certainly haven't been able to. I suppose I'll know soon enough if he is avoiding everyone, or just me.

Afternoon

It would seem that he is refusing to answer anyone, judging by Vixen's lack of success. I told her to keep the Trump, if she wants to keep trying to reach him. It's not as though I have need of it, anyway.

Benedict did send the page after all. I guess recent events have made me rather paranoid. Still, it could easily have been someone shapeshifted to look like the page Benedict sent. Without power words, there isn't really a good way to reveal if someone is shapeshifted or not. Well, at least no way that I know of.

I've decided to name him Doran. I know it's silly, since he's already been given a name in Chaos, but I can't just keep thinking of him as the baby. Not when he isn't one, and hasn't been for a long time. I have to call him something, and Doran is appropriate. It was one of the names I had been considering for him, anyway, before... It means "a gift" in my native tongue. I wanted the name to be something positive, so he wouldn't grow up thinking that he wasn't wanted. Now, I don't suppose that really matters. He's already grown up, after all. But the name has another meaning, too. In Gaelic, it means "Stranger, exile." That seems somehow appropriate. The first meaning was my hope. The second, the brutal, hopeless reality.

Evening

I hadn't realized that Whimsy had brought more than just the head of the Hendrake commander back to Amber. I wonder what she wanted with the rest of the pieces? I somehow doubt she intended for the hand to be put to the use Alex chose for it, though. I do find it ironic that the Hendrake I killed was not only the commander of the arresting party, but the Head of House as well. That makes two that I've killed, or rather two that I've been involved in killing. Two whose heads I've severed, to be sure. I wonder what *that* does for my reputation in Chaos? Try to kill my children, will they? Not that this stopped them from taking Doran from me. If I ever learn who... But I probably won't, will I? I haven't been able to punish anyone else responsible for what happened, why should this be any different?

Ishmael can make Takaran weapons! I wasn't expecting that. If only I can get him to teach me. Maybe I'd finally succeed at something I set out to do. It's been a long time since that happened. No, that isn't true. We did manage to rescue Nicholas, after all. Still, I hope I can persuade Ishmael to share the secret. It's not like I intend to use it to eliminate all Chaosites. Just the ones who stole my son.

Whimsy's table manners are...interesting. I wonder if all meals are like this in Chaos? I should probably be grateful that she animated Caine's meal, for I wouldn't have been watching the boys as closely if it hadn't been for the way they seemed to be admiring her behavior. I can't believe they were stealing silverware! Why, in the name of all the gods, would they do such a thing? They don't need it to use, or sell. I could understand if we were poor, but... Has nothing I've taught them over the past 12 years sunk in? Why do I even bother?

They've been stealing things for years! They must have been. They have a whole collection of items, some of which must have come from Bedlam. Many of them aren't even valuable, just pretty to look at, all bright and shiny... That comes from their faerie blood, no doubt. How could I not have noticed this? And what am I going to do with them? They even tried to run away, until I turned them into stone, and that scared Ana half to death. I can't keep doing this. I don't want them to obey me only because they fear me. And I don't think I can make them afraid of me anyway, not the boys, at least. I'd just wind up frightening Ana more, and that's the last thing I want to do. Damn it Lucien, where are you? I just know they picked up all of this from you. Well, maybe I can't stop them from "practicing" in the future, but at least I can ensure they don't keep anything. I don't suppose there's any harm in that. Of course, I've been wrong about a lot of things, lately.

Amber, year 16, day 254 (Tuesday, August 22, 2994)

Early morning

I wish Gavin hadn't interrupted our workout when he did. It sounds like Ishmael might be willing to teach me what I want to know about making Takaran weapons, but it's hard to be sure. I think he's going to watch me for a bit, first. I can respect that. I'm just glad he was willing to spar with me for so long. Even so, exhausted as I am, I still can't seem to sleep. It's always the nights that are the worst. During the days, I can usually find something to occupy me. Keeping an eye on the children, if nothing else. Eral knows how time consuming that can be. But at night, after the children have gone to bed, it all becomes almost overwhelming. I keep thinking about what happened, recalling every word Lucien and I said to each other. Gods, I wanted so badly to hurt him then, to give him some idea of how much he had hurt me. I just wanted to be left alone. Maybe I succeeded. If so, it is a bitter success. I want to believe that he is simply looking for my body in Chaos. Or maybe searching for Doran. Once, I would have had no doubt of this. Back when I thought I knew him. Before he broke his promise to me. Now, I just don't know anymore. With each day that passes, it grows harder to convince myself that he will be returning. Time flows so quickly in Chaos. If he is there, then several years have passed by now. Decades, even. If he was looking for my body, surely he would have found it by now? If he was really looking for my body. If he intended to come back. Maybe he found my wedding ring, and left because of that. Damn it, I'm the one who was hurt. Why do I feel like this is my fault? Gods, I wish it didn't hurt like this. I wish there was another way to make it stop. But only one thing seems to numb the pain enough for me to sleep. At least for now.

Morning

The two men that Ronan lost were buried this morning. I made Jalana and the boys attend with me. I think they're old enough to handle it, and it wouldn't hurt to give the boys a reminder of our mortality. They're too convinced of their own invulnerability, sometimes.

Afternoon

Someone has given Vincent an eating utensil, of all things. What would possess someone to do that? Obviously, it must be someone who saw what happened at dinner last night. Vincent is certain that it is a utensil, and not something else. He says he's tasted it. Sometimes I forget how good at shapeshifting they are. Still, I don't like it. It just seems strange. I'm going to have to keep a close eye on Vincent for a while, just in case there's more to this.

Bringing Jalana to the funeral was probably not a good idea, in retrospect. She still feels upset by the fact that I went after Nicholas, and knowing that some people died in the process isn't helping. She thinks Nicholas is more important to me than them, since I was willing to risk my life to save him. She's too young to understand how the risk was outweighed by the benefits. How I had so many reasons, both personal and otherwise, to try and save Nicholas, that it outweighed the small risk to my own life. That I couldn't just let them die, simply because there existed the chance that I might die in saving them. When she's older, maybe she'll understand. If she continues to take after me, I know she will. I suspect this wouldn't be upsetting her quite this much if it wasn't for Lucien's absence. She's afraid that he won't come back, or that I'll leave him if he does. I tried my best to reassure her. He has to come back. Even if he doesn't care about me, I know he wouldn't leave the children. She understands that, at least. But how can I guarantee that her father and I will stay together, when I don't know that myself? I won't know until Lucien returns, and I find out why he left. And we resolve what he did to me. If he even wants to.

I've decided to find tutors for the boys now, rather than waiting for the summer to end, since being grounded has obviously left them with too much time on their hands. They're bound to be difficult about that. Jalana did have a good suggestion as to what to do about them, however. They may not fear me, but they still fear their father. Reminding them that he'll hear all about their behavior when he returns may serve to improve their obedience. I can only hope.

I've agreed to teach Gavin conjuration, in return for a favor in the future. I'm not sure what that will be, just yet, but it may come in handy. Instructing him will at least be another distraction, one that promises to take quite a while, as he shows no natural aptitude for conjuration. I wonder if that's why Random sent him to me? Is how I feel so obvious to everyone? I had hoped I was doing a better job of hiding it.

Deirdre's funeral was rather somber, which is only to expected, I suppose. She seemed to be pretty well regarded by most of the nobles in attendance. I couldn't suppress the cynical thought that they only liked her because she was dead. It's a horrible thing to think, I know, but I remember all that Ahab told me about her, and the dislike she held me in ever since Ahab and I were lovers, and I just can't picture her as being the sort of person that people would be very fond of. She was rather like Kimdyl, in that respect. I often wondered if that's why Ahab married Kimdyl, actually. It is rather twisted, but then again, so was Ahab's background.

There is definitely something strange about Gavin's cat. It contains a great deal of magical power, but it was able to stop me from determining anything more about it. I find this rather disquieting. I wonder if Gavin is aware of the power that resides in his companion? Either way, it bears looking into. Whimsy noticed the cat as well, so I imagine Fiona will know of it before long. If it can hold Fiona off, then I am very concerned indeed.

Gavin knows distressingly little about the cat, not even her name. She refuses to share it, so he calls her Angel. Perhaps I am too quick to think of faeries lately, due to my recent problems, but the way his cat guards her name is very much a faerie trait. It also seems suspicious that she joined him right when his foster parents died, and that he has experienced no end of trouble ever since. I'd almost think he had been cursed, but I can find no sign of a faerie curse on him. Perhaps it is the cat who carries the curse, to bring ill-luck on her "owner." We can't even be sure the cat is really a cat. She could be a shapeshifted faerie. Or a Chaosite, I suppose. Despite all of this, Gavin seems unconcerned about her, claiming he trusts her because she knows that he is malevolent to those who cross him. The same can be said for much of the family, but that doesn't offer them complete protection. It just makes anyone who moves against them careful not to be identified until it no longer matters. This cat of his hardly has to worry about his revenge if he dies before he realizes that she's a threat.

I can see what Gavin means about the universe hating him, though. When he first came to Amber, he had the misfortune to stumble across Ronan while he was inciting a group of nobles to form a parliament in a secret meeting. No wonder Ronan isn't especially fond of him. What can Ronan be thinking, anyway? I have no objections to what he's proposing, but it seems to me he might have been better off speaking to Nicholas about it first, before he went and talked to the nobles. By not doing so, he gives the appearance of going against the King, even if he did not intend to. That's certainly what Maris thinks, judging by how prominently she displays Ronan's symbol on her pamphlets. And Gavin's, of course. Only Gavin would survive getting hit by a tsunami, only to be rescued by a revolutionary. He does have bad luck, indeed. Were I him, I wouldn't go near the Pattern if I didn't have to. He'd doubtless trip during his walk, or something worse. It's not like he needs to walk the Pattern. He doesn't need it for transport through Shadow, after all. Knowing what I know about the Pattern now, I'm not sure I'd walk it if I had an alternative. Not that I can at the moment, anyway.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on August 3, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.