Amber, year 16, day 252 continued

After all of that, Lucien isn't anywhere in Amber, and he doesn't answer his Trump. Why did he even bother leaving it for me, then? I don't care. Why should I? It's for the best. I wasn't looking forward to talking with him, anyway. And he probably wouldn't have agreed to come with us to Chaos. Which is the only reason I'm even trying to reach him. I certainly don't care where he is, or what he's doing, otherwise. He's always going on about how he can take care of himself, and I can't. And he obviously didn't need my help in Faerie. Fine. Good riddance.

Eric contacted the people I requested, and a few I hadn't thought of, like Alexandra and Meander. Suhuy wasn't able to help, as I suspected. Foster wasn't asked because Driscoll and Lavender are already going, and Eric wants to leave their kids with at least one parent. I don't see why Eric's concerned. All of their kids are grown now, anyway. Isn't that why Lavender dragged her family off into Shadow again? Sometimes I wonder why she even bothers coming back to Amber, since she spends so little time here. I wish I could talk to her about...what's happened. But she's been gone for so long, that I'm not even sure I know her anymore. It's just too awkward. I'm managing just fine, anyway.

The plan is to bring everyone to Faerie, allow Meander to locate Nicholas, then open a gate to Chaos, grab him and whoever's with him, and return to Amber. Anyone who isn't with Nicholas is SOL. I should have thought of using Meander myself. Then again, I didn't want to leave Chaos so quickly. My body is there. And my son. I was hoping we might come across them while we were searching for Nicholas. I have to try to find them. But without Lucien's presence, I'm the only one who can bring the group back to Amber. Which means I have to return at least as far as Faerie, to send them home. Eric thinks I may be trapped in Chaos if I go back there a second time. As if that matters. I told Eric what I learned from Jack about Nimue's curse. If I don't come back, at least someone will know to investigate it.

Morning

I shouldn't have let the children know I was back. I'm just going to be leaving again. Seeing them only makes things harder. I knew it would. Why didn't I just stay away, and let them think I hadn't returned? Because I'm weak. Because I'm not sure I'm going to come back from this. And if I don't, they will probably learn that I did return to Amber briefly, and they'll know that I didn't even say goodbye before I left this time. I don't want that to be their last impression of me. I felt bad enough leaving them before, and misleading them about where I was going. The older ones, at least, are old enough to be told where I'm going now, even if they don't understand the true risk involved.

At least none of the children seem overly disturbed about my hair, although Vincent thinks I ran into a lawnmower. Jalana seems to be keeping an eye on me now, though. I'm not sure why I didn't hide the change in my hair under the glamour I used to conceal the rest of my appearance. Yes I do. I don't want to hide it. I don't feel like the person I was anymore. Why try to pretend that I am?

Felix is engaged. It's about time. I was beginning to think he'd never get up the nerve. Tamaryn's wanted this for so very long. I should feel happier about it. Tamaryn's my stepdaughter...my daughter, technically, at least while I'm in this body. I should feel something more than this...indifference.

I wasn't expecting Eric to put me in charge of the mission. I thought he'd assign that task to Ronan. Ronan is in charge of the King's Guard, after all. Maybe this is Eric's way of ensuring that I come back. It does seem a rather peculiar action, given that just a few days ago, he wouldn't leave me alone with Vixen. And men say women are constantly changing their minds about everything. Lately, it's been men who've been making the 180 degree changes in their opinions. Like the whole matter of Vixen. Eric wouldn't agree to include her in the party when I suggested it because her kid is too young to be left alone, and, let's face it, all of us who are going are going because we're expendable. But this morning he decided to let her come along, provided she wants to. Whatever. I'm happy to have her along, since she's the best fighter in the group we're taking, so I'm not going to argue, but I have to wonder what changed his mind.

I shouldn't have told Eric this morning that I wanted to stay in Chaos. He's much more jumpy about it now than he was earlier. Why the change in attitude? Maybe he didn't realize before that I'm the only one who can get them back. Not that it matters. I said before that I would return everyone to Amber before going back to Chaos. Pity Eric doesn't seem to believe me. I don't really give a damn. I said I'd bring them back, and I will. If Eric doesn't believe me, he can sweat it out until we return.

Still no response from Lucien. What game is he playing now? Why leave me a Trump to contact him, then not answer it? Does he know I'm not wearing his ring anymore? Or is he simply not answering because he knows what I want to ask him? In a sense, I'm almost relieved. I'm not sure I could deal with him being on the mission, anyway.

I don't know why Jalana is so much more upset about my leaving than the other children. Yes, I do. She's always been rather perceptive, even when she was Briana's age. If any of them would notice the change in me, it would be her. Damn. She is far too much like me. Sometimes, I understand in watching her why I frustrate Lucien. But only sometimes. I would never do to Jalana what he did to me. Never. Maybe that's why I admitted to Jalana that the mission could be dangerous. I didn't want her last memory of me to have been me lying to her. Part of me doesn't want to make it back from Chaos. Death would be so much easier. No more pain. No more worry. A chance to be reborn in a better life. But I can't do that now. Not after what Jalana said to me. She wanted to know why I had to go. I thought she'd understand when I explained that only I could get everyone to Chaos. After all, Nicholas was once her childhood playmate, even if he has long since left everyone behind. I should have known better. Jalana said I'm the only mother she has, and she'd rather have me than Nicholas. Which makes perfect sense, when you think about it, but in my grief, I had managed to forget that. For some reason, I just assumed the children would be happier with Tamaryn. She is a better person than I am, after all, and a much better mother. But I was wrong. I know that now. I have lost a son I never even had a chance to get to know, and it's still tearing me apart. Won't the children feel the same, or worse, if I die? Damn. I had hoped I could think of a way to remain in Chaos, while still returning Nicholas and the others to Amber. But now I know I don't have that choice. I have to return with the others. I have to survive. It isn't fair.

Faerie

Afternoon

I knew that Jack would probably turn up while we were in Faerie. How could he resist? I'm sure there isn't much for him to amuse himself with, now that the civil war is over. Why not torment some Amberites? He obviously enjoys that. He said he knew why we were supposed to be here, but what we'll actually do is something else entirely. Referring to the fact that I have other things I want to do in Chaos, and Ronan does as well, I suppose. I've given up trying to make sense of what he says. I think he says it more to cause a reaction than to impart any real advice or information, anyway.

Chaos

Nicholas is alive! Thank the gods. To have gone through all of this, only to find him dead... Given how things have been going lately, I expected that to be the case. But he's still alive. And there's a roomful of Hendrakes to kill, as an added bonus. I couldn't have asked for a better arrival point.

Amber

I wish Lucien could have been here to see this. Or Jalana. Maybe then they'd understand why I had to bring Nicholas and the others home. The look on their faces when they returned...Teresa even hugged Alex! I never thought I'd see that happen. I can only imagine how Beauty will react to the news of Nicholas' return. There have been so many things I've done wrong lately, so much pain that I've caused. For the first time in a very long time, I finally feel like I've done something right. Not without a great deal of help, of course, I will be the first to admit that. But Ronan and I were the driving force behind this recovery mission, the ones who wouldn't give up on getting Nicholas and the others back, who couldn't rest until we did. And the mission was mine, as was the means of accomplishing it. I lost my son when I lost my body, and I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself for that. But at least I have this one victory that came out of that, as well. It doesn't diminish the pain I feel, but it helps, if only a little.

Nicholas says he's ready to walk the Pattern, which means he must have taken the Logrus while he was in Chaos. I'm not surprised. Given that Pattern didn't work over there, it's probably the only reason they survived this long. Or most of them did. Deirdre died sometime while they were stranded, but not until after she had Ahab's brother. She named him Ishmael. I wonder why Deirdre had such a fascination with that book? Ishmael seems to have taken mostly after his father, but I see bits and pieces of Ahab in him. Ahab...I wish I could still talk to you, my friend. So much has changed since you died... How different would things have been if you hadn't thrown your life away like that?

Oh gods, I am such an idiot.

I was expecting Jalana to be happy to see me, given that she was afraid that I wouldn't come back. But instead, she's sitting up in a tree, thinking. Thinking about what? If she was so worried about my getting killed, why is she still so upset now that I've returned alive?

It was the ring. Of course it would be. I put it back on almost as an afterthought. Pulling off the rescue mission, and fighting the Hendrakes, seems to have been rather cathartic for me, at least enough for me to be able to look past my anger with Lucien somewhat. I still haven't forgiven him for what he did, but...I think I can wear his ring again. So I put it back on. Jalana perked up almost immediately. No wonder she asked where Lucien was before I left for Chaos. Gods, I wish she had said something. Or maybe it's better that she didn't. How do I explain what happened to her? It's better that she doesn't know.

Still no answer from Lucien. If he was ignoring my earlier Trumps to force me to return from Chaos, then he should be answering by now. But he isn't. Which means he either doesn't wish to speak to me, or he's somewhere that Trump can't reach. Could he have gone to Chaos after my body? He's probably the only one who can find it, through the Serpent ring he gave me so long ago. There is an irony in the thought that he may have gone to Chaos alone, an action he expressly refused to allow me to do. Of course, he's used to working alone, and has far more experience and power than I do. I'm not sure whether I hope that's where he is, or not. If he did go after my body, then I'm worried for his safety. If he didn't, then I'm worried about why he isn't answering me. Maybe he's never coming back. Well, it's probably better this way. What would I say to him if he did return, anyway?

Evening

I'm beginning to think it was a mistake to come to dinner. There are so many babies here, and Flora...I can't bear to look at any of them. But it is Nicholas' first appearance since his return, and that is too important to miss. However much I may wish to be elsewhere.

Whimsy, the daughter Fiona had while in Chaos, seems to have a dislike of being around children, even older ones. Once, I wouldn't have understood this. Now, I understand. Growing up on the run in Chaos, what horrors must she have seen? I didn't ask, and she didn't offer, anymore than she asked the reason for the hatred of Brand that I don't think I managed to hide from her. I'm not sure how much we have in common, other than our pain. It is too soon to tell. But we share a desire to see Brand dead. Right now, that is more than sufficient.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on July 1, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.