Faerie, year 16, day 188 continued

Somehow, I knew Jack would be the first being I encountered once I came to Faerie. He reminds me of Brand, when Brand was trying to be charming. Which means he can't be trusted, of course. Not that I have much choice but to play his game. There's too much at stake. I wish there were another way, though. I think of having to marry a man I've never even met, and it makes my blood run cold. But I will do it, if I must. If only I could find another way...

Faerie, year 16, day 189

Morning

Jack continues playing his little game. Apparently the pomegranates were left for my breakfast to verify whether I was indeed Ariana. Why was this so important? I thought it was Loryn's body they needed for this marriage. Why should it matter whose mind is inside of it? I wish I understood. I wasn't willing to waste my two remaining questions asking about it, though. I need to find Lucien first.

Afternoon

I took the path that Jack said would lead me to Lucien. It led to the Unseelie King, of course. I should have known that I couldn't avoid my fate. Jack said there would be more than I bargained for here, and I'd have to deal with that to liberate Lucien. Given that, I suppose I should have expected the King's demand that I give him an heir as well as marry him. I think I did on some level, but I was hoping it wouldn't be necessary. With faerie infertility, I could be here for a long time before I conceive, and even if I did, I couldn't just leave the child. It reminds me of the offer Caolan made to me, asking me to give him a child to make up for Uma's death. I couldn't do it then, and I can't do it now. What will I do, then? Spend the centuries it takes to conceive and raise the child, while my other children grow up without me? I can't. But the only other alternative is not a pleasant one. He said I have to give him a child, not bear it. And faeries are known for stealing other children... But I can't steal someone else's child from them. Gods, I could never do that. Surely I can find an orphaned or abandoned child somewhere in Shadow that would be acceptable? I must. That is the only option I can stomach. Unless I can find a way to get back into my own body, in which case Loryn will be dead, and all her agreements with her. Including this awful marriage.

Jack made another appearance while I was being readied for the wedding. I finally determined who he is. Jack of the Willows. It would be him. Even the Unseelie don't trust him. What is he doing here? What am I doing here? The closer the time gets, the more miserable I feel. I hope Lucien understands why I had to do this, someday. Jack certainly didn't. He pointed out that by marrying the King to save Lucien, I will lose him. I know that. But at least he will be alive. And there's a chance that I can leave Faerie someday to rejoin him. Especially if I can get back in my own body. If he's killed, then I don't have any chance at all. I know he will be reborn someday, as I was. But I don't think I could bear to wait as long as he did for me.

Jack mentioned a few other interesting things. He's the one who set the spell that caused me to switch bodies in the first place. I'm still not sure if he had a specific reason for doing so, or if he did it just to amuse him. Given his reputation, either one is equally likely. He also revealed that he helped orchestrate the curse that was laid on Nimue. What puzzles me is that he claims it shouldn't have killed her. And yet I saw her die on the Pattern. Didn't I? Maybe it wouldn't have killed her if I hadn't interfered. Or maybe she's still alive, somehow. She was a Pattern child, after all. I can't believe it would kill her. What's happened to her, then? I wish I knew more about how the Pattern worked. Maybe Bleys will have some idea. If I ever make it back to ask him.

Evening

So. I am an idiot, and a fool. I went through all of this for nothing. For worse than nothing. The Seelie Court has lost much, and all because of me. Why? Why did they ransom me? They weren't ransoming me, of course, they were ransoming Loryn. But she's dead. She died 2,000 years ago. Why would they give up so much for her, when she no longer exists? It doesn't make any sense. They should have left me there. What was the point in saving me? I risked all I did for no reason. Lucien was never in danger. And my body...my body is in Chaos. So much for it being safe in Faerie. Naturally, now that my body is gone, the sorcerers have figured out how to transfer me back into it. But until we find it, that doesn't do me much good. At least the borders are open now, so we can finally go after Nicholas. I suppose that's something.

Amber (Saturday, August 19, 2994)

Night

I thought it couldn't get any worse. I had no idea. My son is...lost. In the hands of those who mean him harm. Oh, my poor baby, I meant so much better for you. You deserved so much better. How old are you now? How old will you be when we find you? You won't even know me, will you? It isn't fair! Why did I have to agonize so much over whether to keep you, only to lose you now? If I had to lose you, why couldn't it have been before I grew attached to you? How could I let this happen? I don't even know your name...

How could he do that to me? Why? The one promise I've ever asked of him, the promise that enabled me to trust him in the first place, and he breaks it as if it meant nothing. And for what? To stop me from doing something I wasn't going to do anyway. Something *he* suggested. How am I supposed to trust anything he says to me, if his word is meaningless to him? Gods, I didn't think I could possibly hurt more than I already did, but now... Bastard. Lying, heartless bastard. It will be a cold day in hell before *I* contact him. And he can have his damn ring back, too. If he can break that one promise so easily, I doubt any of the rest meant anything, either. Bastard.

Shadow, year 16, day 193

The pain never stops. Even when I sleep, I'm never really free of it. At least it doesn't take much to get drunk in this form. I'm not sure I'd ever sleep, otherwise. I can't go on like this. I feel like I'm going crazy. I just want to strike out at someone. At Brand. At Jack. At the people who stole my baby. At the bastard I married. None of whom I can touch. All right. Fine. If I can't reach them, I'll substitute something else to beat on. However long it takes, I will gain control over this body. And then I'm going to find my son. May the gods curse anyone who gets in my way.

Shadow, year 16, day 202

My memories are beginning to fade. Or rather, Loryn's memories are. This isn't supposed to happen! Is this something Lucien did, while he was in my mind? Or a side effect of being back in Loryn's body? Drumm said that there's never been a faerie soul reborn in a human body before. He wasn't even sure that the regression spell would work. Somehow, I doubt there has ever been a case of someone getting switched into the body from their past life, either. Who can say what the effects could be of that? I don't want to lose these memories, though. Not after all that happened because of them. Drumm's death, the destruction of Avalon... If I lose the memories that caused all of that, then it all happened for nothing! And I can't even make a recording of them, not while I'm in this body. Faeries and technology just don't mix that well. It isn't fair! But was has been, lately? Losing my son wasn't fair, either, nor was what Lucien did to me. I should be used to this by now. I dearly wish I was. Damn. I don't want to forget what Lucien used to be like, before he was twisted by his father, and his grief, and two millennia of being an assassin. I need to remember that. Especially now.

Shadow, year 16, day 207

I've begun writing down what I can still remember. It won't be the same as the actual memories, but at least I'll have something. Maybe, if I ever get my body back, the memories will return. Maybe. The way things have been lately, I'm not holding out much hope. Hope is for the weak, anyway. It's just another source of pain, when it is inevitably dashed.

Amber, year 16, day 252 (Sunday, August 20, 2994)

Early morning

After two months, you'd think the pain would have faded, at least a little. I thought it had. I've been so busy, I haven't had time to feel anything. But being back in Amber again...it's all coming back. I should have known better than to return here. But I can't go to Chaos alone. At least Eric didn't waste any time, once I finally managed to interrupt him. Brand's image of him turns out to have been accurate. I wonder how he knew? I don't really care. Eric approved most of my suggested list of personnel, with the exception of Vixen. He claims Rénard is too young to be without his mother. Right. My mother abandoned me when I was six months old, and I survived. And I notice he didn't object to Felix's presence, or mine, and we both have young children. Somehow I doubt he'd let Vixen go, even if Rénard was grown. How typically male. I wonder how long Vixen will tolerate it?

Shard still can't really see me, but I found a way for him to hear me, at least. Even without seeing me, he could tell that I've changed. I wonder what he'd think if he knew what I look like now? I don't suppose it would bother him much. As he pointed out, his emotions are rather diminished. I envy him that. I'd give a lot not to feel anything. Even the numbness I felt in Shadow is hard for me to maintain right now. And if it's hard now, it will be impossible when I speak to Lucien. Damn, I wish I could avoid that. But we need someone else besides me who can take the group back through Faerie when this is over. Otherwise, if I die, we've just managed to strand more people in Chaos. I won't risk that. I think I spoke to Shard more in an attempt to put off contacting Lucien than anything else. Talking to him did help a bit, though. It was good to at least talk to someone about some of what's happened, and not have them get angry at me. I can't put this off much longer, though. I hope I can figure out where Lucien is. At least then I won't have to Trump him. After what he did, the last thing I want is to be in psychic contact with him.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on July 31, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.