Amber, year 16, day 188 continued

I miss my faerie wards. This couldn't have happened before. Why the spell, though. I do not belong? Belong where? In Amber? In this body? What? And who was that man? Part of me wishes Jalana had not interrupted the spell, and part of me is grateful she did. How long might the spell have continued, otherwise? What else might have happened?

Brand is under house arrest. Thank the gods. It feels so good to know that *something* is being done. Unfortunately, he cannot be charged with anything until I regain my body, or Nicholas is found, because of the overly strict laws that Oberon laid down. The more I learn about the man, the more I despise him. It's so ridiculous. And Brand has been taking advantage of it for years. Well, the path the retrieving both my body and Nicholas seems to lie in Faerie. And the delivery of Eric's message. He wants me to deliver it personally, if I can. Given our talk last night, I know Lucien will not pleased about this.

"Not be pleased" was an understatement. Acted like a damned dictator is more like it. He wants me to obey him unquestioningly, then tries to make it sound like I don't trust him when I won't. Hah. This after he refuses to let me out of his sight because he doesn't trust *me*. Why should I trust him when I am not trusted in return? I am not one of his former house members, to jump and scurry at his command. I would know the reasons for what he asks of me. Why is this bothering him now, anyway? It is not some new quirk of my behavior. I have always been this way. And until now, it hasn't been a problem. What's really going on here?

He's been to Faerie since the chasm opened. I should have known. When did he have time to do this? And why didn't he at least tell me that he'd been there? He said he'd sworn not to tell me what he learned there, but at least he could have revealed that he had some basis for his belief that I might be in danger, besides his usual overprotective attitude regarding me. Instead he demands that I choose between him and Eric. As if there was even a choice. I am loyal to him over Eric, or Nicholas, or whoever else is on the throne, and he damn well knows that by now. Or he should, given that I have defied kings for him before. But no, he had to test me, for some reason, make sure that when it comes down to it, I will do as he wishes. Why? What did he learn in Faerie that's frightened him so? Why is it dangerous for me to go there? I wish I knew. He agreed to deliver the message for me, and he claims it isn't dangerous for him to go to Faerie, but I still feel nervous about letting him go in my place. There's so much more going on here than I'm aware of. I can feel it.

Afternoon

If Felix is like this with all women, I'm amazed that Tamaryn has stayed with him this long. He can't seem to go five minutes without insulting me or my family in some way. And I'm really not in the mood for that, right now. He did have an excellent idea, though. There is another Ygg near the Rose, grown from a cutting Corwin planted during Patternfall. If we could plant a cutting from it on the spot where Ygg once grew...it just might be enough to mend the chasm, and make the universe whole once more. Unfortunately, it could take years for this to happen, since we have no idea how old Ygg must be to work as the binder again. But at least it's something we can do. I need something to do right now, to stop thinking about Lucien. Merlin wants the area around the Rose acknowledged as a separate kingdom before he will allow us to take a cutting, of course, but given what we'd gain, and the small size of Merlin's kingdom, I think Eric will agree to his terms.

I should never have let Lucien go. I should have delivered Eric's message myself, as I had intended to. But he didn't leave me any choice in the matter, did he? He made it into a choice between himself and Eric, and choosing him meant not entering Faerie. He said he could take care of himself, and I couldn't. He said he wouldn't be in any danger if he delivered the message, and I would. He asked me to trust him, and I did. And now he's gone. I should never have let him go.

In the end, there was no choice to make at all. I can't stay in Amber, not knowing what they are doing to him, or if he yet lives. I must go to Faerie and try to win his release. And if "Jack" was right, and I cannot free him without marrying the Unseelie King? Gods, the thought makes me ill. There must be another way. There must be. But if there is, I cannot find it in Amber.

I should have simply walked away, once Tamaryn guessed that something was wrong. I didn't want to hurt her. But I couldn't just leave the children with her without warning her that I might not be coming back. I owed her that much, at least. She offered to come with me, but I couldn't allow that. Not only because I need her to watch the children, but because I am afraid that perhaps the Council might decide that Loryn's daughter will do just as nicely as Loryn as a bride for the Unseelie King. I couldn't risk that. She and Felix love each other, and their children are so young, yet. I tried not to give away too much about whose body it is I am trapped in, but I suspect Tamaryn has enough information now to piece it together. I just hope that learning this way will be less of a shock than the method I used on Lucien. Lucien... Dear gods, let him be all right. I should never have let him go.

I could barely keep from crying when I said goodbye to the children. Knowing I may never see them again...no, I cannot think of that. If I do, I will lose my will to go through with this, and I must, for the sake of their father. But gods, please, let me return to them. Tamaryn will be a good mother to them if the worst happens, but when I think of them growing up without me, my heart breaks. Or it would, if it were not already broken. I should never have let him go.

I think I am ready at last. As ready as I'll ever be. I've cried until I have no more tears. I've said my final goodbyes to the children in a letter, to be given to them if I do not return. I wish I could have told them what was going on, but I don't think I could have resisted them if they begged me to stay. This is difficult enough for me to do as it is. But I have delayed long enough. I must go. All it takes now is a small amount of concentration, and there will be no turning back.

I should never have let him go.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on May 25, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.