Amber, year 16, day 187 (Thursday, August 17, 2994)

Morning

Damn it, why does he always do that to me? Just once, why can't he explain his reasons, rather than just walking out? How am I supposed to make an intelligent decision if he won't tell me what's going on? Is he mad because I won't let someone else deal with this? Who else does he suggest? There's a shortage of faeries around, right now, and I don't see him volunteering.

Oh gods, I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't expecting him to be there. It was bad enough to see him at dinner when he first came back, but then he wasn't looking at me, speaking to me, as if nothing ever happened, as if he never... I feel ill. I don't know what Ona and Clarissa must think of me, but I couldn't remain there for another moment. I just couldn't.

Bastard. Vixen says I smell funny to her, so does he just ask me why? Of course not. He has to nearly break my arm off and *then* ask me for an explanation. My arm still hurts. Bastard. And even after I explained, he still wouldn't leave me alone with Vixen and the child. Does he honestly think that if I couldn't get away from him, I'm going to be a threat to his assassin lover? I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of not being trusted, first by Nicholas, now by Eric. Not to mention being attacked just because I don't smell right, while Brand causes the deaths of thousands of people and walks free, with no repercussions other than the fact that he has to be baby-sat by his mother. This is punishment?

Afternoon

At least I'm not the only one who isn't content to wait a while before trying to retrieve Nicholas and the others. I should have guessed Ronan would feel honor-bound to save Nicholas, or at least bring back his body. I just wish I could be of more help. It's so frustrating to know how faeries think, when I don't share those attitudes. The human part of me thinks that they should be willing to let us retrieve our people, since it won't hurt them any, or take away their land, and it will make our relations far more favorable. But then the part of me that comes from Loryn reminds me that they don't necessarily care about improving our relations. We're all interlopers, after all. Amber was useful because we opposed Chaos, and they were the ones who originally took much of the universe away from Faerie. But now that we're separated, we're of no use as a counter to Chaos. And Faerie has its own problems, now.

Gods, I just want to save the life of the son of one of my best friends, and the mother of the other. Why must that be such a complicated thing? I keep thinking that if I could just talk to Auberon, I could make him understand. But that's probably Loryn's memories working there, thinking of him as her brother. But I'm not Loryn. I'm asking something she never would. Would she? Maybe if it was her best friends' mother and son. But then they would be faerie, and it would be different. And if she was denied? Maybe she'd curse those responsible, just as Caolan cursed me for killing his daughter. But who can I curse? Brand? He'd just walk the Pattern and be rid of it. Unless I cursed him in the same manner that Nimue was cursed, and I doubt I'll have the opportunity to place such an involved curse uninterrupted. Zane? I can't even get to him, and without being able to see him, or possession of some item of his, I can't curse him. Auberon, for not helping us? I can't. Gods help me, even if I had the opportunity, I couldn't do it. He is my brother. Was my brother. Even if it wasn't in this lifetime, I still can't bring myself to hurt him. Even though he's the one person I could hurt more than anyone else I know. So all I can do is pass along Amber's offer. And pray they'd rather have land over children, even though I know in my heart it will not be so. How can Lavender talk so nonchalantly about giving up a child of her body, to be raised never knowing her?

Evening

I do not know how many more of these encounters with Brand I can endure. Every time he looks at me I feel so...dirty. And then to stand there and listen to him nonchalantly deny, to my face, that he had ever raped anyone. I just wanted to sink down into the ground and disappear. Or take my sword and wipe that mocking smile off of his face. But I cannot do either. And that only makes things more unbearable.

Amber, year 16, day 188 (Friday, August 18, 2994)

Early morning

I wasn't sure Lucien would even be home or not. I wasn't expecting him to be up if he was. He won't talk about how his day went. He must still be angry at me. I don't even know what I did. I hate it when he's like this. I hate this entire day. Nothing has gone right since we finally got up this morning. I wish I had just stayed in bed. How much longer do we have to stay in this place?

I wish I could make Lucien understand why I feel I have to do this. I just wouldn't feel right if I gave up on Nicholas and the others, without first doing everything in my power to reach them. Why is he so worried about this, anyway? I've done far more dangerous things in my life than deliver a message to Faerie. I just don't understand him, sometimes. Especially lately. He can't seem to understand why it bothers me that Brand raped me and got away with it. It seems so obvious to me. Maybe the training he receive from his father makes what happened to me pale in comparison, but that doesn't make it any less real to me. He says I should move on with my life, as if that was as simple as opening a door and walking through it. But I can't. I thought I could, until Brand arrived in Amber and showed me that I was only deluding myself. How can I move on, when so much still lies unresolved?

Morning

It can't be morning already. Where did the night go? Maybe I can catch some sleep after the children have breakfast. I don't think this body can keep going much longer. But it was worth it. I think. I don't feel quite as awful as I did before. It still galls me that I can't do a thing to Brand, because I lack the power to do more than anger him. But at least I know he won't get away with it, in the end. I couldn't put much faith in Lucien's belief that Eric would do something, since I've heard that before from Amber's rulers. But I do believe Lucien when he says that he has no intention of letting Brand get away with what he did. I cling to that thought, right now. Brand will pay, someday. He has to. Gods, let the price be a dear one for him.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on May 23, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.