Amber, year 16, day 185 continued

The situation here in the city is as bad as I feared. The waterfront is completely gone. It's hard not give in to despair at the sight of it. I just have to keep busy. I wish I had my own body. If I could conjure, if I could heal, there's so much more I could do, so many more people I could help. I feel so limited. At least Lucien is doing some good, even if he doesn't see the point. Sometimes I think these moments prove more than any other that he loves me. Why would he do this for me if he didn't?

Trumps are working again. I probably wouldn't have figured it out for a while, if Jalana hadn't Trumped me. I was pretty surprised, actually. I thought someone would have to use a Trump of Loryn in order to reach me. Apparently not. What does this say about how Trumps work? Obviously, they're not tied to the body. But to what, then? The mind? The soul? You'd probably have to be a Trump artist to know for sure. Lucien immediately started Trumping people, once he knew Trumps were working again. Trying to figure out what was going on, I assume. I'm more worried about what Jalana asked. She wanted to know if I was ever coming home tonight. I feel guilty for spending so much time here. Like I'm abandoning the children, somehow. It's not fair to them to leave them alone after such a traumatic day. But how can I return, knowing how important every person is here right now, and that people might die if I leave? I don't know what to do. I guess I could at least join the children for dinner. I can't go without eating for too long, after all, especially in this body, or my judgment will be impaired.

Evening

Flora appears to be about six months pregnant. I was under the impression that Zane had killed her unborn child. Did the baby survive after all? Or did Flora set out to conceive another one? It's not an uncommon reaction to the loss of a child. It's also not a question that anyone can easily ask her. I hope she's been seeing a doctor, at least. I almost went over and offered to check on the child's health, before I remembered that I can't. Damn. Why couldn't I have lost my body during a period of calm?

Eric is having a family meeting in a couple of hours. Maybe then we'll finally learn what happened. I've been so busy that I haven't really had time to think about what caused the earthquake. I'm almost afraid to find out. The last earthquake came when the Serpent and the Unicorn died, and it didn't last nearly as long as this one. What could be worse than the death of gods?

Brand is coming to Amber, and no one seems to have any problem with this. After everything he's done, all the people he's killed, or hurt, or... How can he be allowed to just waltz in here like nothing ever happened? Hasn't anyone learned from Patternfall, or when he was trying to make his Pattern the primary one, or when he allied himself with Dara? How many times is he going to be allowed to just walk away? How many more people have to die before he's stopped?

Ona and Clarissa have come to Amber. I guess I'm not surprised. Echo and Merrick's presence here earlier was a good indication that Avalon intends to have closer ties with Amber. It was hard not to stare at Clarissa, though, knowing that she is Brand's mother. I guess this explains the connection I found between her and Vixen, Gavin and Bridget. How could Oberon marry his own niece? Or great-niece...I'm not sure how far descended from Ona Clarissa is. Either way, it's still...wrong. Like Caine marrying Jalana. Or what Brand did to me. I'm worried about what this baby will be like, given the amount of inbreeding in his background. It's bad enough that his father is also my uncle, but then to add in how closely Brand's parents were related... Lucien said the baby is genetically sound, so there shouldn't be anything wrong with him, but...all of Clarissa's children are incredibly strong, mentally. What if this baby is even stronger? It worries me, especially given the problems we've had with Briana.

Ygg is dead, and the Disc destroyed. How much more death is there going to be? Looks Twice, Hickory, Erryn, and all of the others. Maybe even Jackie and Ruepert. How did this happen? Why would anyone want to destroy Ygg? And, as if this isn't bad enough, Nicholas and the others are stuck on the Chaos side of the chasm, and the only way to get there is through Faerie. But Faerie has closed its borders, and no one can get to them. Except me. And even I can't manage it until faerie magic is stronger. At least I can do something, though. Maybe getting stuck in this body will turn out to be a blessing, after all.

I told Eric how Nimue died, and Brand's role in it. Bleys probably already told him, but I didn't want to take that chance. If he's going to allow Brand back in Amber, he should be aware of everything that Brand has done. Even if it won't change his mind. What's one more death, after all, when there have been so many?

Ow. Gods, that hurt. I should have expecting Shard to react that way, I guess. I still can't quite believe that he can't see or hear me. Lucien says that vampires can't see faeries at all. I guess that explains how Lucien was able to keep Shard from noticing him, back when I was transfusing Shard. He can certainly feel me, though. I guess I'm lucky I didn't poke him with my hand. I wonder if he's worried about me? I hope not. Poor Shard. He looked so utterly frantic after I touched him. I don't imagine there's much that can startle him, so it must be pretty disturbing when something does.

Lucien doesn't think going to Faerie is a good idea right now, since there's bound to be a lot of turmoil there. I understand that, but I still have to do this. Right now, it's the only chance of reaching Nicholas and the others, if they're still alive. I have to try to get them back, if it is within my power.

Lavender is taking her family into Shadow. Again. They'll be passing four years this time. Sometimes I wonder why she bothers spending any time in Amber at all. Maybe she just doesn't want to deal with Brand when he arrives. I can certainly understand that feeling. At least Vincent took the news pretty well. I think he's finally realized that Iseult is completely uninterested in him. Or anything, really, other than fighting.

Amber, year 16, day 186 (Wednesday, August 16, 2994)

Early morning

I think I might be able to sleep now. Maybe. At least I've managed to adjust to this body enough that I feel comfortable fighting in it. If Brand is coming back here, I want to be ready for him. With magic gone, this may be the only time he is vulnerable.

Afternoon

Felix joined us in the city infirmary. Lucien came along as well, and I didn't even ask him to, this time. I suspect he came along more to keep an eye on me than out of the goodness of his heart. It's amazing how many injured there still are needing treatment, even a day later. The severity of the injuries is beginning to lessen, at least. Anyone badly wounded who hasn't received attention by now is probably dead. I try not to think about that too much. Or the fact that Gavin might be one of them. He hasn't been seen in the castle since the earthquake, and no one I've asked in town has seen him either. I hope he's all right.

Evening

It's been a long time since I've wanted to kill someone this badly. Not since we went after Sand, and she made me run Lucien through. Of course, I was denied my revenge that time, too. He thinks that just because he turned the Jewel over to Eric that all is forgiven? He probably stole the damn thing off of Nicholas' body. Damn him, anyway. Him and Zane. Zane must be truly insane to have deliberately caused all of this. Did he turn on Brand in the end, too? Pity they couldn't have killed each other, or fallen into the chasm where Ygg used to be. But we never get that lucky. Damn him. I won't sit here and eat at the same table as him as though there was nothing wrong. I can't even stand the idea of being in the castle while he's here. What if he comes after me again?

Ronan has located Gavin, and he's alive, although somewhat the worse for wear. Ronan wanted me to make sure it was OK to move him. The woman who set his bones did a good job of it, and I told her we could use her at the infirmary. I hope she's willing to help. Things would have been fine if Battlestar hadn't decided to ask why I didn't conjure a stretcher for Gavin, instead of trying to put one together. And then he noticed that I smelled strange, and Ronan got all suspicious. I pointed out that I had my sword, and my Trump reached me, but neither of those was conclusive, and Ronan knew it. He didn't seem to put much stock in the fact that Gavin could vouch for who I was, either. I don't suppose I would, if I were in his shoes. I've managed to put him off for now, since I don't want to explain things in front of a total stranger, but I doubt my reprieve will last for long. And he's just not going to believe my explanation.

Someone has sent an assassin after Vixen. I suppose there's something poetic in that. The question is, who hired the assassin? Vixen believes the assassin is a Vetch, and there can't be too many people who both want Vixen dead and have access to Chaos. It would help if we knew who the assassin was. Maybe Lucien can determine that. Vixen did say that she'd managed to wound the assassin, this time.

I was so annoyed at Lucien, I almost forgot to ask him. I don't know how he expects me to react to the fact that Brand is free and clear. Gods, I don't understand him, sometimes. At least I remembered before I got too far, and he came with me to the brothel. He says the assassin is a nephew of his, many times removed, by the name of Lugyr. And he's good. Naturally. There doesn't seem to be anyway to call him off, either, unless whoever hired him pays him again to stop. Not likely, unless we can find that person and convince them it would be in their best interests to do so. Which may be a bit complicated if it's who Lucien and I think it is, namely Alex's mother. She was Eric's lover until Oberon forced her to marry Delwin, and as a Borge, she certainly has the resources to hire a Vetch. Gods, what a mess. Eric probably won't even believe that she's a suspect. Men are so blind about that sort of thing.

I feel so much better, now that we're going to be spending the night in town. I just wouldn't have been able to sleep in the castle knowing that Brand was there. It's not rational, but knowing this doesn't seem to make any difference. I get tense just thinking about it. I'm glad we'll be moving to Middlecourt soon.

Vixen is going to be passing time in Shadow as well. Long enough for her child to be born and weaned. Given that she has an assassin coming after her, I can't say I blame her. At least Eric is going with her. He could probably use the time to plan what he's going to do when he gets back. I wish Vixen hadn't sent him to me for an infertility spell, though. I'm lucky that most people think I heal using magic, not shapeshifting, or I never would have been able to explain why I couldn't help him. I told him that magic isn't working well, and that I couldn't do what he wanted. Both of which are true, they're just unrelated to each other. I hate misleading people like that, but what was I supposed to say? The truth is just too complicated to explain.

Lucien doesn't think Brand has the Eye of Destruction anymore. I even describe how relieved I am to hear that. I don't know why I didn't figure it out myself. If he still had the Eye, why would he need Eric's protection? Lucien's right, I can't deal rationally with anything involving Brand right now. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on May 9, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.