Faerie, year 16, day 184 continued

I can't believe this is happening to me. It's impossible. It must be. But I'm finding the evidence rather overwhelming at the moment. Somehow, I've traded places with Loryn. I mean my body has. Gods, this is confusing. How did this happen? All I wanted to do was see my body. Loryn's body. I'm not sure why. It just felt right, somehow. Although it was kind of strange to look at her lying there, when I could remember being her. I didn't have much chance to observe her, though, before the room spun around me, and then suddenly I was making love to Lucien. To Oishin, actually. Only he was younger. And I was Loryn. We were under a tree and it was raining, the sort of light, summer rain that is just enough to cool you off, but not heavy enough to really be chilly. I don't remember hearing thunder, but maybe we were just to involved with each other to notice. I noticed the lighting, though. It splintered the tree above us just as we climaxed together, and pain and pleasure shot through me, and then... And then I woke up, and I was back in room with Loryn's body. Only it wasn't Loryn's body that was in stasis any more, it was mine. And I... I had blond hair, and pointed ears, and no Pattern, and I was taller, and I couldn't conjure, and...I wasn't myself anymore.

I don't know what to do now. I have to tell Lucien. But how am I going to explain this to him? I still don't believe it myself. I keep hoping that I'll wake up any minute now, and realize that this was just some horrible dream. But I've been standing here for a while, and nothing's changed. My body still lies there, unmoving, unbreathing. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not dead. That I'm not dead. Aren't I? I mean, if Loryn was dead while her body was there in stasis, then is Ariana dead now that her body is there? Am I Loryn now? I want to scream, but even that brings no release, for it's not my voice that I hear screaming. Gods, I must do something. I think I shall go mad if I stay here much longer.

I'll never forget the look on Lucien's face when I contacted him. I knew it was going to shock him, but I just had to speak to him. He turned so pale... I tried to explain what happened, but I don't think he was listening. He accused me of being something Brand put in his mind, then broke the spell. He actually thinks I'm something of Brand's. Why won't he listen to me? I thought...I thought that he would know who I was, if anyone did. If even he can't tell... No. He was surprised, that's all. I've got to face him in person, where he can't dispel me so easily. He has to see the truth. He has to. If he doesn't, then who will?

Amber (Monday, August 14, 2994)

Afternoon

What is going on in Amber? Magical wards around the castle blocking entrance to the Fey, Nicholas leaving town along with Deirdre, Fiona, Teresa, and 1,000 men... How long have I been gone? What's happened in my absence?

I thought for sure that if I came face to face with Lucien, he'd have to believe me. He didn't. He actually drew a knife on me. He even moved between me and the children's room, to protect them from me. From *me*. I wanted to cry. I wanted to smack him. Maybe I should have. *That* might have convinced him that I was telling the truth. I suppose I should be thankful that Lavender and Alex came by. And Gavin. I guess he's back in Amber now. There's no telling how long we would have stood there yelling at each other, otherwise. He kept asking me who I was, and what I wanted, and then he wouldn't believe me when I told him. If Gavin hadn't confirmed that I was essentially who I said I was, would he ever have been willing to examine my mind himself? I wish I knew. I hate to see him like this. I don't think I've ever seen him so utterly at a loss before. It bothers me. He's always the one who's in control. If he can't handle what's happened here, what chance do I have?

I guess now I know the reason for the wards around the castle. Vixen's brothel had an infestation of Unseelie faeries. Apparently, they've decided that the benefits of a child of Amber blood outweigh the fact that any such children will not be true faeries. I must tell Auberon of this. If Morgan and her court are becoming more involved in Amber, he should know about it. Not that this will help Lavender much. Cursed through her hair...it could take them a while to run out of samples. I wish her luck in tracking down the originator.

He can't even look at me. What am I supposed to do? It hurts to know that I'm causing him this much pain. Maybe I should have just stayed in Faerie. If I had, I could have spared him this. But what if I'm trapped like this forever? What if there's no way to undo what happened? I'd have had to tell him eventually. I know that. But that doesn't make this any easier. Even with the glamour reestablished, so I look like myself again...like Ariana again...he still seems so withdrawn. What if he never gets over this?

Faerie

We asked Tamaryn to watch the children while we were gone, or rather Lucien did. Tamaryn would have noticed my glamour if I'd seen her. I can't let her know what happened. There was no way to avoid putting Lucien through this, but I will spare Tamaryn if I can. Lucien is hoping that Auberon will be able to help return me to my body. I'm rather nervous about seeing him again. I haven't encountered him since I learned that I had Loryn's soul. What will he think of the fact that I not only have her soul, but her body as well?

I feel like such an idiot. I didn't need to be using glamours to hide my appearance. I could have just shapeshifted. How could I have forgotten? As soon as Auberon mentioned that there was another way, I knew. I guess the shock of all of this is affecting me, too. At least Auberon seems to be handling the news much better than Lucien. Lucien hasn't looked at me since Auberon dispelled my glamour to examine me. I know I shouldn't feel hurt by that, but I do. I told Auberon of the vision I had, after I lost consciousness. He thinks it might be significant. I don't think Lucien was comfortable with my discussing that, either, but what was I supposed to do? He doesn't remember anything like that actually taking place between us, so it's not a memory from Loryn's life. And if it isn't, then maybe it holds a clue to how this happened, and how it can be undone. If it can be undone. Auberon thinks that it can, though, with some research. He also thinks it was caused by my dying wish, but I don't understand how that can be. I remember my last hours more clearly than anything else from that life. Vividly enough that I still have nightmares about it. I remember feeling terrible for leaving Lucien alone, and that I had to return to him. But I did return to him. That's why I was reincarnated. So how can my dying wish have caused this? I just don't understand.

I told Auberon's sorcerers of my vision, and they spent a lot of time examining me. Lucien left when they began. I hope he's still around here, somewhere. The sorcerers found some small traces of magic in me. They're going to examine my body next, and they think they'll find more of the same. Maybe then they'll be able to figure out how to reverse this. Until they do, I just have to wait. And not die in this body. Maybe I'd just return to my own body if that happened. The sorcerers can't be sure, though, and I don't want to test it. I have no desire to die again.

It's going to take the sorcerers a while to finish their investigation. Auberon suggested that I wait in Amber. In my world, as he put it. My world... I don't know what is my world, anymore. I know I'm not a faerie anymore...well, I guess I am now, but I'm not supposed to be. But even under normal circumstances, I still feel a bond to Faerie. I always have, even before I knew about my past life as Loryn. I can't just pretend that bond doesn't exist, despite the fact that everyone would rather I did. It's a part of me, and I won't deny it. Although if anyone thinks they can use me against Amber because of it, as Auberon fears, they are sadly mistaken. The fact that I did not flee here while I was under house arrest ought to be sufficient proof of that.

I wish I knew more of how Auberon came to marry Titania. I had hoped that it was a marriage of love, but from what Auberon said, that doesn't seem to be the case. But he claims it was not an arranged marriage, either, at least not in the traditional sense. I suppose he married her because he needed something that came with her. It saddens me that there is no love between them, though. I hope he's at least found some comfort elsewhere.

Amber

Lucien still cannot speak to me without looking pained. I cannot bear it any longer. Tonight is the night that he was invited to the Pearl, and I intend to see that he goes. Maybe someone there can distract him from what he's feeling now. Like Mona and Lisa. They said they owed me a favor, anyway. And at least he won't have to be looking at me while he's there. I'm not sure I could stand a whole evening of seeing him like this. Maybe I should just sleep somewhere else. If he can't even look at me, how is going to react to sharing a bed with me? It's probably best if I don't even try to find out.

Evening

Nimue didn't look at all well at dinner. What can be wrong with her? If I didn't know better, I'd think she had tuberculosis, but that's impossible for an Amberite. Isn't it? I'll have to see if Gérard knows what's going, after the children have gone to bed.

Being with the children was rather calming. It's the first normal thing that's happened to me since I left for Faerie this morning. Well, this morning from my point of view. Apparently, a few days passed in Amber while I was gone. It didn't seem that long to me. Admittedly, I have no idea how long I was unconscious, but I doubt it was two days. Then again, time can be rather strange in Faerie.

The boys are still rather subdued. I guess I'd be worried if they weren't. We were pretty hard on them, after all. Still, what they did was very serious, and I'm glad they finally seem to understand that. Briana seems to be bouncing back much faster, but that's to be expected at her age. We'll just have to wait and see if what we said to her made any impression. At least there won't be any repeats of what happened with Ana and Hary.

Mona and Lisa said they would be happy to take care of Lucien. I imagine he'll be rather surprised when they ambush him. I just hope it does him some good. I'm not sure what I'll do if it doesn't. I couldn't resist taking a look at the Pearl myself, just to assure myself that it was adequately warded. Not that the Unseelie are likely to want a child of Lucien's if they're after Amber blood, but...there's no sense in taking any chances.

Gérard is at sea, according to Isabeux, and isn't expected back soon. Isabeux seemed rather troubled when I spoke to her, although she denied there was anything wrong when I asked. She lies as badly as Felix does. I wonder what could be bothering her? Maybe she blames me for the fact that Vivienne walked the Pattern. She'd hardly be the first. Unfortunately, she didn't know if Gérard had examined Nimue, or even that anything was wrong with her. I don't think Gérard has examined her, though. If he had, I don't think he would have left without appraising someone of her condition. Which means I should take a look at her. Even though I lack my normal healing abilities, I may still be able to determine what's wrong with her.

Nimue has been cursed to die by Morgan, the Unseelie Queen. It must have happened when Brand ambushed us. It all fits. Nimue is the only one who can't remember what happened to her while we were in Brand's castle. Her symptoms began after we returned. Lasker said that Brand wanted us all delayed for a certain amount of time. And we know Brand had faeries from the Unseelie Court working with him. Thank the gods the curse was detected in time. If Nimue can manage to walk the Pattern, she should be all right. Admittedly, that's an iffy proposition, given how weak she's become, but if someone walks just ahead of her, she should be able to do it. At least theoretically. But Bleys concurs with my opinion, and he should know. I just wish I didn't feel so nervous about this. It almost seems too easy. Surely Brand would have anticipated this? But I've checked, and I can't find any other curses on Nimue, and Bleys didn't find anything that he thought would be harmful to the Pattern, either. Maybe Brand is just tormenting Nimue, the way he seems to enjoy tormenting me. I hope that's all it is.

Eral, how can I have missed it! There was a second curse, and it's as deadly as the first. Setting foot on the Pattern is causing Nimue to disintegrate. I didn't see it until it was too late, and I don't have the power to stop it. All I can do is slow it down, and pray that Bleys gets her to the center before it's too late. Gods, Bleys, hurry. I don't know how much longer either of us will last.

Amber, year 16, day 185 (Tuesday, August 15, 2994)

Early morning

For a moment, when I woke up in my own bed, with Lucien beside me, I could almost believe that yesterday's events were all just a dream. That illusion didn't last. I may currently look human, but I can sense the truth. Which means that Nimue is dead. I remember seeing her disintegrate just as she reached the center, and then the last of my strength left me. Did Bleys bring me back here, or did Lucien? I really hope Bleys didn't disturb Lucien. At least not before Mona and Lisa were done with him.

I didn't mean to wake Lucien. I suppose I should have known that I wouldn't be able to leave without disturbing him. It's hard enough to do when I'm in my own body, much less in one I haven't inhabited for two millennia. I didn't get more than a few inches before he stirred and called my name. My soul name. I know he often calls me Ari, especially since my regression, but as a human, it's just a term of endearment. To hear it again as a faerie... I felt warm, and loved, and right. More right than I've felt since this whole mess began. What else could I do in response to that but kiss him? I was afraid he might pull away, but his demeanor seems much improved this morning. I guess I was right to send Mona and Lisa after him. I still feel badly for causing him to return early, though. Apparently, Bleys Trumped him shortly after I collapsed. That must have been rather awkward. At least Mona and Lisa found him fairly early on, so they weren't in the middle of anything by the time Bleys called. Still, I don't think he's going to let me talk him into going back there any time soon.

Lucien pointed out that Brand likely thinks I'm dead. Good. I hope I'm making a royal mess of his plans. He's actually right, when you think about it, since technically, I am dead. Well, the body I was born in is. Or would be, if it wasn't in stasis. At least the baby is safe from Brand, right now. That's the one good thing about this mess.

I hadn't been planning to sleep with anyone again so soon. Which is silly, I know. It's not as if I didn't sleep with Lucien on numerous occasions after Brand raped me. But I didn't know what had happened then. Logically, it shouldn't make a difference, but it does. I didn't think I'd feel comfortable sleeping with Lucien again for a while. But I wasn't expecting to wind up in Loryn's body, either. The way Lucien was looking at me yesterday...I wasn't sure he could even handle sleeping in the same bed with me. Knowing that he actually wanted to make love to me, how could I possibly say no? Hearing my soul name whispered in my ear didn't hurt, either. I could listen to that forever.

Faerie

Morning

I told Auberon of Morgan's involvement with Brand. He admitted that he can use this information, and Titania looked rather pleased. I know it's not much, but I feel a little better knowing that Morgan may have cause to regret what she did to Nimue. Now if only I could do the same to Brand.

Amber

Afternoon

I've never seen an earthquake go on that long. Even the death of the Serpent and the Unicorn didn't cause anything like this. I think Mebd is dead. She just screamed and vanished in a cloud of black smoke. Thank the gods that the children weren't injured. Nor were there many injured in the castle. It is well-built. But there must be so many hurt down in the city. And I'm trapped in a body without my healing abilities. I can't even use the faerie healing abilities that I would normally have. Something has happened to magic and Trump, and everyone's spells are gone. Which means that they must be gone in Faerie, as well. And without the stasis spell...no. I cannot afford to think about that. Not now. There are too many injured who must be seen to.

Gone, all gone. All the people we tried to save...we may as well not have even bothered. Lucien won't let me look and see what the tsunami has done, and I'm not strong enough to resist him in this form. It doesn't matter. I saw how big that wave was. I can imagine the rest. Almost no one is likely to have survived down by the waterfront, certainly not those who were already injured. I can still see all of their faces...I always remember the faces of those I work on. To know that they are all likely dead now... All except this one child I managed to grab hold of when Lucien pulled me out of there. Gods, there must have been some way to save more of them. At least this boy's parents. His mother looked so relieved when I told her that her son would live. Where is she now? Drowned beneath the water? Crushed by the force of the wave? Dead, along with Eral knows how many others? Does Lucien honestly think that not seeing the destruction somehow prevents me from knowing what must have occurred?

I can't believe I lost control like that. I just couldn't bear to see my reflection any more, knowing that the image I saw was a lie. That body no longer exists. Without the stasis spell on my body, it cannot have survived. And if my body is dead, then the baby is as well. I have no one but myself to blame for this. It was my dying wish that caused the transfer to occur. And now my baby is dead, and I'm trapped forever in this body, and I can't even shift away the lie.

Lucien says magic must still be working in Faerie, because if it had ceased, I would have died. Just as Mebd did, I suppose. It seems rather odd to think that the fact that I'm alive in my current body proves that my real body must be all right, as well. For a moment, I wasn't sure if I believed him. He is always trying to shield me from the painful truth, after all. But then I saw the truth in his eyes as he spoke my name, and I knew it was so. He cannot lie to me while doing that. He never could.

I am beginning to hope that vision is not significant, after all. Because the more I think about it, the more disturbing it becomes. I know that the man I slept with in it was Lucien. I know this with the certainty that only comes in dreams. But...I didn't realize until now that Lucien didn't look like himself in the vision. Not his true form, or his faerie form, or any other form that I've ever seen him in. He looked like Brand. What does it mean? I'm afraid to learn the answer. Gods above, will I ever be free of that monster?

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on April 24, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.