Amber, year 16, day 184 continued

Morning

I can safely say that was one of the most difficult things that I've ever done. To see the children's faces as we administered the last of their punishment, to let them think that the crystals were still a danger, knowing I had found a solution... I even told them that their friends in Bedlam could be killed. I feel terrible about that. But I had to make them understand how serious the consequences of what they did could have been. Judging by how somber they are now, I think I succeeded. Even Jalana looked subdued, and she didn't even do anything wrong. It turns out that reason she didn't let us know what her brothers were doing was because they made her promise not to, threatening that she wouldn't be their sister anymore if she didn't. That made me the angriest, I think. It must have shown on my face, for they agreed rather quickly not to do anything like that again. At least I understand now why Jalana didn't tell us what was going on. It must have been very difficult for her to keep that promise. I know all too well just how hard that can be.

Punishing Briana was the hardest part of all. She's so young that she doesn't fully understand what could have happened. She knew that what she did was wrong, but not how seriously so. Iseult didn't want her to do it, so she did. I think I've made her understand how serious this was. I thought placing the block in her mind would be difficult, but it was actually relatively painless. She didn't fight me at all. Her mind is so strong, but so completely untrained, that I'm more convinced than ever that I did the right thing. As she gains the necessary training and maturity, we can gradually give her access to the full power of her mind again. Much to my surprise, it was not placing the block, but administering her final spanking that I had the most trouble with. Lucien offered to do it, as he has three others, but I insisted that I must do at least one of them. I won't let him play the bad parent to ease my conscience. No matter how hard it is for me. She started screaming before I even laid a hand on her, and it seemed like forever before I was done. But what tore me the most was when she sobbed that everyone hated her, even Lucien and I. Gods, I never want a child of mine to think that I hate them. I'm angry with her, yes, and disappointed in her, and me, for not spotting the potential problem sooner. But hate her? I could never do that.

I've returned Jalana's Trump deck to her, since she is no longer grounded. I don't think she's going to be using it right away, however. She seems to have chosen to punish herself for her role in things, even though she had no choice in what she did. Sometimes, I think we are far too much alike.

Felix asked me for an update on the crystal situation. I told him what I found, and gave him a spray bottle of the liquid. I imagine there will be a lot of water getting sprayed around the castle over the next few days. I suggested to Lucien that the children should be forced to participate in this, as part of their punishment. Not that they're likely to consider being allowed to run around spraying water at things much of a punishment, I suppose, but I think it's important that they have to help clean up the damage they've done.

I've presented Nicholas with my findings about the crystals, and told him that we are moving to Middlecourt. He looked hurt. I wasn't expecting that. What did he think I would do, after all that has happened? It has nothing to do with my opinion of his ability to be rule. I just can't live where I'm not trusted. I hope I was able to make that clear. I think he'll be a good king, especially once he's had some time to grow into the position. And I meant it when I said that he could still call on me, if Amber ever needs me. But I can't stay here, especially not now that I know how much Lucien has wanted to go to Middlecourt. I can't believe that he never said anything about that. He claims he didn't want to influence my decision, that he's afraid that he has too much influence over me as it is. Silly man. Sometimes he's a bit too concerned about me.

Faerie

Afternoon

I was right to come here. I feel better already, just being in Faerie again. And seeing Drumm's body. Di'ghan was right, they did honor him properly. It helps to know that. And to have seen his face. He looked peaceful, and even had a slight smile on his face. I wasn't expecting that. Why would anyone smile, knowing that they were about to be executed? I guess only he can say for certain. But I'd like to believe it means he managed to come to terms with what happened. And maybe he managed to forgive me for my part in it, as well.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on December 11, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.