Amber, year 16, day 181 continued

Evening

I feel so many conflicting emotions right now, that I don't know what to do. Morgan, Shannon and Vincent have all walked the Pattern, along with Hary, Iseult and Vivienne. And, as if that weren't bad enough, Briana was not only the one who suggested the whole idea, she actually psychically forced Hary to do it. She forced Ana not to tell anyone what they were doing, too. And then the way she acted in front of Benedict... Where did I go wrong with her? With them? How could I have raised them so badly? I know Lucien will say I'm blaming myself again, but who else am I supposed to blame for their behavior? Yes, Benedict should have made sure the passage was guarded. And yes, Felix and Tamaryn were incredibly irresponsible to just let the children run free in the castle without notifying me that they were back first. I don't understand why Tamaryn didn't tell me, at least. She's so much more responsible than Felix. Gods, this is such a mess. How can I even think about having this child, when I've obviously done such a poor job with the ones I already have?

To matters even worse, I broke my house arrest in order to go after the children. I had no choice. I had to find them. They could have been hurt, or killed, or... I had to know. I hope Nicholas understands. To be honest, though, given everything that I've gone through this day, I really can't bring myself to care, either way. I just want to know my fate. I tried to see Nicholas after we dealt with punishing the children, but he was in a meeting with Benedict, and it sounded like Benedict was chewing him out. I wonder if it has anything to do with my telling Benedict that Brand raped me? No, I can't imagine that's it. It's not as if Benedict didn't already suspect that Brand could come and go in the castle as he pleased, anyway. It probably has something to do with the children walking the Pattern, although I fail to see what Nicholas could have done to prevent that.

Amber, year 16, day 182 (Thursday, August 10, 2994)

Morning

Drumm is dead. Executed for high treason. Because he restored my memories. Oh gods, why? Why did they have to kill him? After all that he did for them against the Serpent? Didn't that count for anything? I think of the last time I saw him, and my heart aches. He must have known what would happen. Did he even have a chance to warn Avalon? Or was it already too late? Oh Drumm, I'm so very sorry. If I'd known this would be the result, I never would have had my memories regressed. How many deaths will I cause before this is finally over?

Afternoon

I knew Lucien would say it wasn't my fault. I just can't find it within myself to believe him. I am the one who insisted that I wanted my memories back. I am the one who asked Drumm to do it. Even if he refused, I just would have found someone else. Gods, I'm too tired to argue this anymore. I feel so weary of it all.

Amber, year 16, day 183 (Friday, August 11, 2994)

Morning

I found crystals in the bedroom the morning, and in the children's rooms as well. They look much like the crystals I saw in the Shadow where I found the children, although not on quite as large a scale. They're obviously growing, though. So, not only did the children walk the Pattern at far too early an age, but they managed to bring something dangerous back to Amber with them, as well. Gods, doesn't this nightmare ever end?

It was all for nothing. All of it. There never was any obligation, at least not according to Di'ghan. So why did Drumm tell me otherwise? Maybe he hoped there was still a way to salvage things at that point. He must have known that it meant his death if his role in things was discovered. I wish he had told me what the consequences would be to him. There must have been something I could have done to stop it, some way I could have helped. There must have.

I have been released from house arrest. It seems that Avalon has finally made its existence known to Nicholas. Judging by what Echo said, Brand did, indeed, learn of Avalon from me, with disastrous results. Damn it, none of this might have happened if Nicholas hadn't placed me under house arrest. If I'd been free to go to Faerie, or to try to warn Avalon, maybe this could have been avoided. Or maybe it was too late from the moment we returned from Bedlam. I notified Drumm as soon as I knew that there was a risk, but that wasn't until after the dreams had resumed, and Fiona told me that Brand had the Eye of Destruction. Even if I had told Nicholas about Avalon, by the time communications were established, it would probably have been too late. Echo may find it convenient to blame me, but they only have their own policy of isolation to blame. They were bound to be discovered, eventually. So why do I still feel guilty about it?

The crystal Shadow

I can't go back to Amber. Everything I've done there has only brought pain and death. Even the children...I'm obviously a bad influence on them. Why else would they be behaving this way? I should just stay here, where there's no one that I can hurt. At least I can't do more damage here.

Afternoon

I believe I may have found a means of combating the crystals. There is a river, well, actually, a life form that looks like one, full of microorganisms that eat the crystals. It could be the break we need. Assuming the microorganisms react the same in Amber as they do here. None of my tests have shown any dangerous qualities to it. I've even immersed myself in the river, to no ill-effect. It felt rather good, actually. Now I just have to tell someone what I've found. I suppose I'll have to contact Fiona again. I can't say I'm looking forward to it.

Middlecourt

Tea with Fiona is dangerous. I remember hearing Ahab say that on more than one occasion, and now I know why. She knows, or at least suspects, the true situation with this child. At least she didn't think anyone else could detect how upset I am about it. Damn. Why didn't I leave when I had the chance? I suppose it was partly the novelty of the situation. Fiona's never really talked to me, before. Of course, she was only doing so this time to see if I was suicidal. I wish I knew who put her up to that.

At least I learned a few things from Fiona, as well. It seems that Nicholas was told by the Avalon contingent that I have a faerie soul. Which is for the best, I suppose. At least he understands why I couldn't tell him what he wished to know. I'm hoping he doesn't know whose soul I have, though. Or if he does, that he doesn't know who Loryn was. That's still rather personal to me.

I also learned that Nicholas is planning to encourage the unattached members of the family to marry among the nobles. This doesn't bother me, so long as there are no arranged marriages involved. I won't have my children suffering through what Mother endured. Hmm, I wonder if he's going to pressure Felix to marry? That should be interesting.

Evening

I must admit, I really enjoyed dinner here. I'm glad Fiona invited me. And that Lucien changed his mind and came with me. I think he's enjoying the fact that not many people recognize him in his true form. They're all used to his older one, I guess. He certainly seems to be having a good time. I guess I never realized how much he misses this sort of thing. We'll have to do it more often. I certainly wouldn't mind. The food was exquisite. I wonder if Lucien was right about Mandor creating all of the food himself? Whoever was responsible, they were obviously an expert.

Amber, year 16, day 184 (Saturday, August 12, 2994)

Early morning

I am finding it rather difficult to sleep tonight. There is still too much on my mind. Brand, Drumm, the children... In a way, I am grateful that this situation with Briana happened when it did, although I'm sure Lavender and the others would disagree. Until now, I didn't realize how strong her mind had become, nor that she would so easily use that power on others. At least now there is still time to correct her attitude. If this had come out when she was older, she would have been far more set in her ways. She reminds me a lot of Nicholas, as he was before Ahab left for that 40 year stretch in Shadow. He used to manipulate the other children with words, in much the same way that Briana does. He never went so far as to control them psychically, but I suspect that had more to do with him lacking the mental ability to do so, not any lack of willingness to use it. If he could go from that state to the man he is now, then there is hope for Briana. Or so I tell myself. The hardest part will be keeping her from controlling others until she learns why she mustn't do so. And the only way I can think of to do this is to place a block in her mind preventing her from doing it. I hate the idea of doing this to my own child, but I can see no other alternative. I dearly wish I could.

There is another reason I am thankful for the timing of this, as well, although it is not a reason I can share. One of my main concerns about keeping this coming child was that he might turn out to be just like the bastard who fathered him on me. But the situation with Briana has amply demonstrated that even my children with Lucien can be difficult. And that there is quite a range between them. If this child does take after Brand, it will be no worse than dealing with Briana. And he may be no more like Brand than Briana is like me. I shall just have to wait and see.

I shall not be waiting in Amber, however. After all that has happened, I do not wish to remain here. I hope Nicholas does not think this is entirely his doing, although I must admit that is a part of it. I am tired of living in a place where it is obvious that I am not trusted. I don't know if Middlecourt will be any different in that regard, but I am hoping. Fiona said that everyone who comes to Middlecourt is starting fresh. I like the sound of that. Lucien needs to be there anyway, and it would get the children, especially Briana, out of Amber and away from the other children. I don't think I can face their parents after what she did, anyway. It's easiest for all concerned if we leave. I doubt we'll be missed very much. Most people will probably just breathe a sigh of relief. I'm sure Felix will. As if his own irresponsibility hadn't set the entire incident with the children in motion.

But first, before we move anywhere, I need to spend some time in Faerie. I need to see Drumm's body. It's the only way I think I'll truly come to terms with what happened to him, and my role in it. And I need some time to find my center again. Things have happened so quickly since we returned from Bedlam, that I've never had a chance to recover from any of it. I'm not sure I'll ever have that chance in Amber, not the way things have been going. But in Faerie, I'm hoping I can. It is where my heart is most at peace. Perhaps my mind can be at peace there as well.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on December 11, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.