Amber, year 16, day 171 continued

Morning

Vixen brought the first of her staff by for me to check for disease. And cast the infertility spell, of course. I wound up teaching them Thari, as well. You can't have a very good information network if your primary information gatherers don't speak the native tongue. I wonder how many people know the real purpose of this brothel? It can't be many, in order for it to be effective.

Afternoon

Lucien's reaction to the women was rather interesting. His reaction after they left was even better. It's nice to know he still desires me, despite all the fighting that we've been doing. We wound up missing lunch, which is just as well. I really dread mealtimes, lately. Lucien's mood is never good afterwards.

Now I know why Foster was fleeing from Felix the other day. And why Driscoll wouldn't let me see Lavender. She spent a year in Chaos as Zane's prisoner, while he sucked all the useful knowledge from her brain. It must have been horrible for her. What makes it worse is that she has only herself to blame for it. She wound up in Zane's hands because she became so frustrated by the dreams she was having, that she actually Trumped Brand and told him to stop. And to make matters worse, she was *alone* when she did so. Gods above, I knew Lavender was rash, but she seemed to be calming since Ahab's death. Apparently, it wasn't a lasting change. I didn't know what to say to her. I'm sorry? She knows that. It was an incredibly stupid thing to do, and she should have known better? She knows that, too. I couldn't even give her comfort by holding her, for she most definitely did not seem to want to be touched. All I could do was just listen to her talk. I think she will be a long time in recovering from this. Not just because of the imprisonment itself, but because of what Suhuy had to do in exchange for Zane freeing her. Lavender doesn't even know what that was, and I can tell that it bothers her. I think it's likely that Zane made Suhuy promise not to support whatever move Mandor makes against him, or something along those lines, and Lucien agrees with me. Which isn't good, but it's not nearly as bad as it could have been. Gods, I'm glad I didn't go with Drumm that one time. I could have wound up like Lavender, and Eral only knows what Zane would have required of Lucien in exchange for me.

What the hell has gotten into Felix, anyway? Vacation? He thinks I'm having a vacation? Oh yes, being trapped in this damned castle, away from every living thing, is a fine vacation. One of the best. I must remember to do this every year. Why on earth was he calling me, anyway? Just to rub it in? I didn't think he was that sort of man. Maybe I was wrong. Vacation, indeed!

Evening

I had no idea my eating habits were affecting Lucien so badly. He says I'm driving him crazy, because he can't bear to see me like this, and nothing he does seems to help. I wish he understood. It's not that he doesn't help. He does. It just doesn't last. Try as I might, I can't seem to keep any semblance of happiness for long. And I never have been good about eating when I'm depressed. But he's right, I have to try. For the children's sake, if nothing else. And for him. He said he would go after Brand, if he had to, and I'll do anything to stop that from happening. Brand will kill him if he does. I know it. Brand has the Eye of Destruction, after all. How could he fight against that alone?

Amber, year 16, day 172 (Monday, July 31, 2994)

Afternoon

I spoke to the children, and they seem to be enjoying their time at the beach immensely. Tamaryn says she practically has to drag them away from the ocean to get them to eat. I'm glad she offered to take them for a while. I'd hate for them to be cooped up in the castle, just because I am. Thankfully, Jalana's mood has much improved, and I think talking to me managed to reassure her that I'm all right. She really is far too perceptive for her age.

Amber, year 16, day 173 (Tuesday, August 1, 2994)

Early morning

The dreams continue to plague me. This time it was Gérard. It wasn't a bad dream, by any means. He was gentle, and tender, and loving, as I suspected he would be. I still wonder whether the dreams have any basis in reality, or if they're all just based on my own subconscious assumptions?

Afternoon

Lavender finally brought Beauty by for her infertility spell. I've been doing a lot of that lately, what with the women Vixen continues to bring by every day. Lucien no longer stays around to watch, but I know he's just doing that for my benefit. It's really rather sweet of him.

Amber, year 16, day 174 (Wednesday, August 2, 2994)

Morning

Lavender, at least, seems free of her dreams, now. Which isn't too surprising. Brand got what he wanted from her, after all. The question is, what does he want from me? And how are the dreams he's sending me going to help him?

Amber, year 16, day 175 (Thursday, August 3, 2994)

Early morning

Dreaming about sleeping with Alex's father is vaguely disturbing, somehow. If the dream is any reflection of reality, I feel sorry for Alex's mother. Delwin seemed somewhat distracted throughout the whole process, and was certainly not the most attentive lover I've ever had. Or dreamed about having. It's not an observation I intend to share, however.

Afternoon

I think my visits with Bridget are finally beginning to pay off. She definitely seems to be paying more attention to Brendan again. I was hoping that would happen. Brendan was always so happy when I come by to see him, because I always fussed over him so. I didn't think Bridget's instincts could let her watch him react so happily to someone other than her for long. I'm sure she understands what I was doing, too, but she doesn't seem angry about it. I'm just glad that she's bonding with her son again. He's such a sweet baby.

Amber, year 16, day 176 (Friday, August 4, 2994)

Afternoon

Another child of Avalon has arrived in Amber. It can't be a coincidence that we've found three of them so relatively recently, when there was no one before. Something must have happened that caused some of Ona's descendants to leave Avalon. Or at least forced them to leave their children outside of Avalon. What's odd is that they all seem to be related to Clarissa, too. Did she find her way to Avalon after Oberon divorced her? I wonder what Fiona and Bleys would think, if they knew they likely had more siblings out there? Gods, I wish I could tell someone about this. Vixen, Bridget, and Gavin, at least, have a right to know.

Gavin seems to come from a fairly technological Shadow, judging by his dress and by how much he understood of what I was doing. How did he get to Amber, though? Not by Pattern. I couldn't detect an imprint. Lucien thinks it may be a device of some sort, like my ring. Which begs the question, how did he get this device? And from who? Is it also the source of the ability he seems to have to scan people? I can't believe that's natural. It's something I'd expect to see from someone like Fiona, and he just doesn't seem old enough to have developed that kind of finesse. I warned Ronan about his scanning tendencies and skill, as part of my report for Benedict. Someone will have to talk to Gavin about the impoliteness of what he's doing, before one of the older family members takes offense and smacks him, hard.

Amber, year 16, day 177 (Saturday, August 5, 2994)

Early morning

Somehow, I might have known that the dream about Random would involve music, drinking and poker. Strip poker, of course. It certainly made for some interesting foreplay. I feel such a sense of relief. The dreams should be over with Random. It troubles me a bit, though. What was the purpose of the dreams? Just to drive me crazy? With Brand, I suppose that's possible, but I'm afraid it can't be that simple.

Amber, year 16, day 179 (Monday, August 7, 2994)

Early morning

I completely forgot about Dalt. That was stupid of me. I should have known Brand wouldn't let the dreams end on a good note. I suppose there's some symmetry in the last dream being an echo of the first, but right now I'm not in the mood to appreciate it. At least the dreams really should be over, this time. I don't know what I'll do if they're not.

Morning

Lucien and I have decided to have a second honeymoon, of sorts. I'm not sure what else to call it. I just feel like celebrating, now that the dreams are over, and given that I'm stuck in the castle, and for the first time in a long time, all of the children are gone, well...it's certainly the most pleasant thing I can think of to pass the time. And with a few well-placed glamours, I can even imagine that I'm not really stuck here. At least for a little while.

Amber, year 16, day 180 (Tuesday, August 8, 2994)

Evening

Oh, my. I had no idea that was still bothering him. Men get so hung up on that sort of thing. Not that I'm complaining, right now. Wow. I wouldn't mind doing that again, sometime. Definitely.

Amber, year 16, day 181 (Wednesday, August 9, 2994)

Morning

This cannot be happening. It cannot. It's not possible. Oh gods, it can't be true. Please. Not this. Anything but this. How did this happen? The dream. It must have been then. Only it wasn't a dream at all. It was really Brand. What am I going to do? How am I going to tell Lucien? I feel so ill...

I don't understand this. Why did Brand do it? What point is there in making me carry his child? Especially when I can abort it? It makes no sense. I should get rid of the child. It's Brand's child. No good can come of this. Eral only knows what he wants with it. He'll probably just take it away from me if I keep it. But...it's my child too. My son. My blood flows in him, my genes are a part of him, just as much as Brand's are. Gods, I wish Lucien hadn't told me it was a boy. It was easier before I knew the sex. He didn't seem quite so real, then. How can I kill him? How can I let him be born? I just don't know.

No matter what I do, I am doomed. If I kill the child, Brand can simply impregnate me again. There is no way to stop him. And while I might have the strength to abort a child once, I do not think I could do it again, not so soon. Not knowing Brand could just put me through it over and over again. Or confine me to a fast Shadow somewhere until I came to term. Which he might do even if I decide to keep this child, and then steal him from me when he is born, and raise him away from me, and return him to me a grown stranger, all in a matter of hours. Or he can just wait for the baby to be born normally, and steal him from me then. Or at any time thereafter. And there's no way to stop him. None. Not unless he dies.

I have decided to keep the baby. I cannot predict Brand's actions, so it is pointless to try and make my decision based on what I think he'll do. I can only make the choice that I can live with, and hope that Brand has no more interest in the child, or that someone will stop him before he can act. It's going to be hard not to live in fear of what might happen, though. Lucien says it serves no purpose to worry about it, not when there's nothing I can do. All I do is ruin my life in the meantime. I understand this. But even knowing this, I don't know if I can just blithely go on as if nothing was wrong. How do you learn to ignore the ax that is hanging over your head?

Assuming that Brand doesn't take the baby from me, we've decided not to make his true parentage known. It is too much to ask a child to live with. Fortunately, the baby's looks shouldn't give the truth away, since Lucien also has red hair, and I have green eyes. The only difficulty will lie in his shapeshifting abilities, or lack thereof. All of Lucien's children are such good shifters, that if this child doesn't show a similar level of skill, it will be obvious that Lucien isn't his father. Lucien thinks that maybe he can encourage whatever ability the baby has inherited from me, while he's still growing inside of me. I feel a little nervous about this, but Lucien doesn't think it will hurt the baby, especially since he'll be doing it gradually, over time. I just hope that I passed along enough for him to work with.

Benedict will have to be told that Brand was in the castle. I'm not looking forward to that. I'm not looking forward to admitting that Brand raped me, either, but it has to be done. If I don't, I feel like I'll be somehow saying there was nothing wrong with what he did. It may not be much, compared to some of the other things that he's done, but I refuse to just let him get away with it. If he ever is made to answer for his crimes, I want this to be one of them. Now I just have to find the strength to go out there and tell this to Benedict, when all I really want to do is stay here with Lucien and pretend it never happened.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on December 11, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.