Session
106
Amber, year 16, day 162 continued
Shard seems to have forgiven me for taking back my soul. That
lightens my heart a little. I would give it back if I could, but that
does not seem likely to happen. Shard isn't certain how he did it the
first time, so he's not sure he could duplicate the process without
killing me. He doesn't wish to become human again, either. After 400
years, he says he has forgotten how. I do not think he has actually
forgotten. Rather, I think he remembers all too well, and he does not
wish to give up the power he has gained as a vampire to return to that.
He is content with what he is. I wish I could be as certain that he is
happy.
Amber, year 16, day 163 (Saturday, July 22, 2994)
Morning
Vixen and I finally sparred together for the first time, although,
in a sense, we have yet to truly spar. I held nothing back as we fought,
but lack of sleep has taken its toll on my reflexes, and she was easily
faster than me. And stronger. I think that when I am at my top form, we
will be fairly evenly matched, at least as far as fighting skills go.
Afternoon
Lucien has returned from Faerie, unsuccessful in his attempts to
persuade them to tell him anything about the secret I must keep. I knew
he would be. He didn't like that. It isn't often that he fails to get
what he wants. But he is still a Chaosite in their eyes, and they'll
never tell a Chaosite. They'll never tell a human of any kind, really.
If he's been asking, though, then Auberon must know that I have Loryn's
soul by now, for the situation must have been explained. I'm glad that he
knows. I'm not sure how I would have told him, if I'd had to. It's an
awkward subject. They also must know a faerie aided me in regaining my
memories, for it is not something I could have done alone. For Drumm's
sake, I hope Lucien didn't mention his name.
I've informed Bleys of the failure of his card to stop the dreams.
He's convinced that Brand must be using the Eye. Without the Jewel of
Creation, there seems no way to stop him. It frightens me terribly to
think of what these dreams of his may lead to.
I've been told that the gardens are now off limits to me as well.
I feel as though I've just heard the nails driven home in my coffin. What
am I going to do? I can feel the sea breeze, but I cannot swim in the
ocean. I can smell the flowers, but I cannot walk among them. My poor
gardens will die without me, and I can do nothing about them. I can do
nothing about anything. All I can do is sit here. Waiting. Just the
thought of it is almost enough to make me scream.
Evening
Lucien continues to use Jalana against me. I eat as much as I
can, for her sake, but it all tastes like sawdust to me. I can barely
even muster enthusiasm for planning the children's birthday party. I've
decided to gift them with their own Trump decks. At twelve, I think
they're old enough to handle the responsibility. And it's something I can
get them without leaving the castle. I'm removing a few of the cards that
come with the standard deck, though. Like some of the place Trumps. And
Mandor's family. And Brand's. Eral only knows what he'd do if one of
them was foolish enough to Trump him.
Lucien still has the Trump that he took from Vixen. Somehow, I
knew he would. He thinks it might come in handy, some day. When Brand is
dead, of course. I wish I shared his confidence. I'm not sure anything
can stop Brand anymore.
I wish I knew what it is that I did to make him leave. I don't
even know what I'm doing wrong. Why won't he at least stay and tell me
what's making him so angry?
Amber, year 16, day 164 (Sunday, July 23, 2994)
Early morning
I ran into Shard again tonight, up on the battlements. I think he
knew I was upset, but I didn't want to talk about it, so I asked him about
his late night visit with Vixen, instead. He says he went to see her
because he was hurting. He just needed someone to talk to. Right now, I
understand that all too well.
Afternoon
Sewing with Bridget for a while helped calm me somewhat. She
still does not wish to speak of anything that has to do with Amber, and
right now I'm only too happy to oblige. Our sewing also gives me a way to
check on Brendan and see how he is doing. I'm hoping her recent attitude
towards him is only a temporary thing. Surely she must eventually realize
that he is the same child she loved so much before.
Amber, year 16, day 165 (Monday, July 24, 2994)
Early morning
I tried my best to stay awake, I really did. I don't even
remember falling asleep. Collapsed is probably a better word for it. I
dreamed of Bleys this time. Which means the pattern of the dreams do not
include the women, either. Bleys was good. Very, very good. I figured
he would be. That isn't what disturbs me. It's the realization that the
next dream will be Brand that is frightening me so. What will happen in
that dream? I don't want to find out. But fear I cannot avoid it. I
can't stay awake forever, try though I might.
Morning
Lavender has invited Vixen to lunch in Rebma. I'm hoping they can
clear the air between them. Although, I'm not certain that Rebma is the
best place to take a woman who's part-fox. Vixen asked me about the
place, and didn't look too happy about the fact that it's underwater. I'm
sure Lavender will be willing to pick another place if Vixen suggests it.
Afternoon
Alex made Vixen a locket to change her back into a fox magically,
although it isn't the fox form that is hers by nature. Vixen claims she
can live with whatever Alex asked of her in exchange for it. I hope she's
right. I'm beginning to wonder how she's stayed alive as long as she has.
She mainly lives at Nicholas' sufferance, especially since she has no
parent to protect her, and almost no friends, either. It is foolish to
consider blatantly disregarding the provisions Nicholas made when he
released her. But she seems to forget about them entirely, sometimes. Or
regard them as something merely to be gotten around. Like the fact that
she was ordered to remain human. I don't think Nicholas will think it's
OK that she became a fox, just because she didn't resume her own fox form.
At this rate, she'll be trapped as a human for the whole 100 years.
Evening
It doesn't seem like we can talk about anything anymore, without
Lucien getting angry and walking out. I don't know what to do. I'm
afraid to say anything, for fear of making things worse. Why is he
reacting this way? What am I doing wrong?
Amber, year 16, day 166 (Tuesday, July 25, 2994)
Early morning
I feel a little better now. It was good to talk to Shard. I had
to talk to someone. I was feeling terribly alone. There's definitely
some irony in being consoled about that by a vampire. I'd probably be
feeling even better if it wasn't for how the conversation ended. Shard
asked if he could do something, in return for the comfort he'd given me,
and I said yes, thinking he was going to ask something of me. I wasn't
expecting him to kiss me. I had almost managed to forget, over the years,
just how good a kisser he is. Then he left and, gods help me, part of me
felt disappointed. Damn. I'd been hoping that his interest in Vixen
meant that he was no longer interested in me. I should have known better.
Why can't he move on, as he did with Beauty? Why does he keep waiting?
Morning
There is quite a noise coming from the direction of Arden this
morning. It sounds like bagpipes, but I can't imagine why there would be
pipers in Arden. I'd know if I could go out there and see, but of course,
this is impossible. Damn it all. I wish they would stop. I really don't
need more reminders of how I am trapped here.
Afternoon
Vixen is carrying a boy. That makes Eric two for two. I wonder
if his wife is carrying a boy as well? I doubt I'll be asked to check.
Thankfully, the child seems to have suffered no ill-effects from whatever
the amulet does when it makes Vixen a fox. I guess it manages to change
the child as well. Vixen and I talked for a long time afterwards. She
kept offering to leave, but I didn't want her to. As long as she was
talking to me, or I her, I could manage to stay awake. And I'm finding
that very hard to do, right now. I told her all about how I first came to
Amber, and Patternfall. There were parts of it that she obviously found
confusing. I know how she feels. I lived through it, and there's still
parts of it that I don't understand. In return, she told me all about her
childhood in Shadow, and how she first came to know that she could become
a fox. And how she was sent off to assassin school because of it. It
makes me feel lucky that I had the parents I did, rather than being found
by someone like her father. Or, worse yet, her brother Barr. He was the
one who came up with the idea of making her go to assassin school, since
the attrition rate is so high there. It seems rather ironic that he died
as a result of the training she received there.
One part of the conversation bothers me somewhat. The way Vixen
focused on the half-breeds and their potential to access both Pattern and
Logrus. It meant something to her, and it didn't feel like anything good.
I couldn't get her to say more, but I know it has something to do with the
child she is carrying. I just wish I knew what.
I'm so tired. The urge to close my eyes for just a minute is
almost overwhelming. But I must resist. I must. I don't want to dream,
not about Brand.
Evening
I feel ill. I was prepared for it to be horrible. I thought it
would be like the Oberon dream, and that I could handle that, if I had to.
But this was much worse. It was a bit rough, but not the way the Oberon
dream was. It was more like when I dreamed about Bleys, although just a
bit more painful. That isn't what disturbs me though. What disturbs me
is that Brand seemed to desire me. He lusted after me. Just thinking
about it makes me sick. Why would he want me to think such a wretched
thing? What is he hoping to gain from this?
Amber, year 16, day 167 (Wednesday, July 26, 2994)
Morning
I don't know what I would do without Lucien. I couldn't bring
myself to leave the bedroom after I woke up, so he sent the children off
and drew a bath for me, then undressed me, and immersed me in suds, and
began to massage my neck. He's incredible at that. He always knows just
where to touch me. I didn't mean to fall asleep, but the water was so
warm, and his hands were so soothing, that I couldn't stay awake. He
carried me to the bed when I woke up, and massaged me with oil, and
suddenly I wanted him very badly. I wanted to erase the memories of Brand
with something more pleasant. I slept again afterwards, with his arms
wrapped around me, and there were no more dreams. Maybe they're finally
over. I can only hope.
Afternoon
The birthday party took place without any real problems, although
Iseult almost got into another fight with Briana. She would have, if
she'd really understood what Briana implied in her parting shot. Only
Iseult would be so bedeviled by someone six years her junior. I wonder if
they'll ever get along with each other? The older children all seemed to
like their gifts, although they seemed a bit uncomfortable with all of the
attention. Except for Morgan, of course. He never seems to tire of being
the center of attention. I wonder where he gets that from? I think the
boys may finally be starting to forgive me for bringing them to Amber. I
hope so. It's been difficult enough lately, without having to deal with
their bitterness.
Amber, year 16, day 168 (Thursday, July 27, 2994)
Afternoon
It has been a week since my house arrest began, and the
confinement is eating away at me. How long can this go on? Weeks?
Months? Years? I don't think I can endure this for that long. Something
has to give.
Amber, year 16, day 169 (Friday, July 28, 2994)
Early morning
My hope that the dreams were at an end has proved a false one.
The dreams continue in their pattern. It was Caine, this time. Next will
be Julian, then Gérard. After that, I'm not sure. I'm a little
hazy on the birth order after Gérard. Delwin will be in there,
though, and Random. I no longer care. I'm tired of fighting. Let the
dreams come. What does it matter, anyway? My days are unbearable. Why
should the nights offer any relief?
Amber, year 16, day 170 (Saturday, July 29, 2994)
Morning
Something strange is going on. First I saw Foster running from
the castle, being chased by Felix, then Driscoll looked so stricken when
he answered the door, and he wouldn't let me see Lavender. What could be
wrong? I hope nothing's happened to their children.
Afternoon
Tamaryn is taking the children to the ocean. She obviously felt
awkward about asking me if my children would like to come along, since I
can't come with them. The thought of running free in the surf stabbed at
me with a strength that surprised me. I managed to smile, though, and
pack the children off to her. At least I won't have to keep trying to
pretend that everything is OK, now that they aren't around. I grow weary
of doing so. And I'm not fooling Jalana, anyway. It will do her good to
be away from me, for a while.
Amber, year 16, day 171 (Sunday, July 30, 2994)
Early morning
I can't seem to go more than a night or two before the dreams
return. The pattern still continues, this time with Julian. He was the
model of efficiency, although there was tenderness there, too. I wish
these dreams would either stop, or hurry up and be done with. The waiting
is starting to drive me crazier than the dreams themselves.
I can't go up there at night anymore. The risk is just too great.
Why do I have so much trouble when I'm around Shard? It can't be my soul
anymore. There is no link of any kind between us. So why is he still so
strongly attracted to me? He says it is growing worse. I don't
understand this. What is drawing him to me? And why do I still feel
drawn to him?
"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on February 28, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.