Amber, year 16, day 161 continued

Why is Lucien so determined that we not go to Faerie? I don't understand it. I know there's no guarantee that it will shield me from Brand, but it's a possibility. And it will make it difficult Fiona to find me. Or anyone else she reports her suspicions to. Gods, I can't just sit here and think about it any longer. I've got to do something. I've got to get out of Amber. If I can't go to Faerie, then somewhere else in Shadow. Maybe it's time I went back to the place I was born. It's the best place I can think of to start looking into who my father really was. And that should keep too busy to think about everything else that's bothering me. Like how much I want to smack Lucien.

Somewhere in Shadow

Afternoon

Lucien was right, Shadow is more dangerous now. Shifting Shadow was never this difficult before. Even with teleporting to Maui, it's taken far longer for me to get to the Shadow I saw in Mother's mind than I was anticipating. I wonder if this is a permanent change? I hope not. At least I finally am here. I feel a little nervous. I have no idea what I will find here, but it feels good to be starting at last. I've been waiting years to do this.

I spoke too soon. Nicholas has ordered me back to Amber. Immediately. I fear that Fiona has spoken to him. What am I going to do? Maybe I can tell him I suspect a relative of Vixen and Bridget's has the Jewel of Creation. It is the truth, and it's what I'd suspect even if I didn't know this damn secret. It all depends on what questions he asks me. Gods, don't let Fiona be there as well.

Amber

I have spent hours agonizing over my decision, and I still can find no way around it. I wish I could make Nicholas understand. This is no casual secret that I am protecting. If I tell Nicholas of Avalon's existence, then I put the lives of its inhabitants at risk. But what if I don't? What if Amber is destroyed because of me? What if Brand found the secret in my head, and it's already too late? I don't know what to do. I can't betray a secret that all of Faerie has kept for thousands of years. I don't think Nicholas understands the enormity of that. For more than 3,000 years, since the Pattern was created, not one faerie has ever given this knowledge away. Not one. To break a secret of such magnitude... I know it was Loryn who made that promise, not I, but if we share a soul, do we not share those obligations? I cannot take the memories and ignore the obligations that come with them. I just can't. If I do, I betray myself, and Faerie, and Avalon, and I cannot find it within me to do so. But if I'm wrong... May the gods have mercy on me, for if I cause the deaths of those I care about, I will have no mercy for myself.

Evening

How could Drumm not suspect that Loryn knew of Avalon? She was the King's sister. There are few people more likely to know than someone in that position. Even if she didn't generally take an interest in such things. I feel awful for Drumm. He's probably gotten himself in a lot of trouble for restoring my memories. I doubt he would have done so if he'd known what it would give away. I doubt I would have asked him to do so if I'd known this would be the result. At least he will warn Avalon of the possibility that Brand has learned of their existence, so they will be on guard. Maybe he can even persuade them to finally make their existence known to Amber. Maybe. I have little hope of that, though. My luck just isn't that good.

I was surprised when I was joined on the battlements by Vixen. Her mood was similar to mine. She's furious at Eric, and she has every right to be. Apparently, he tried to apologize at dinner by saying that he hadn't done anything wrong. Oh really? Creating a child out of spite and vengeance isn't doing anything wrong? He also broke into her quarters and left her flowers and a sword. Eric has an odd way of handling things. Did he honestly think she was going to react favorably to the knowledge that he can get into her quarters? Vixen vented a lot about Eric. I wish I could have vented about my problems as well, but at least listening to her kept me from thinking about mine.

Damn, I wish Lucien wouldn't do that. I hate it when he sneaks up on me, and I'm really not in the mood for it. I don't know who turned faster, myself or Vixen. Hopefully, she won't know, either. It's still too soon for me to be displaying my fighting skills to her. Although, for the first time, I'm beginning to wish I could. I find that I'm beginning to like her. Maybe it's just our shared bad mood, but... I don't know. I was relieved to hear that she's planning to keep the baby. I had been hoping she would. I think she's doing so mostly because she doesn't want Eric to have it, but at least she's keeping it. I was afraid the child would grow up without either of its parents. What would Nicholas have done then? Had it raised by servants?

Benedict is allowing Vixen to set up an information network in Amber. Well, actually, it's a brothel, but its real purpose is gathering information. I'm willing to bet Benedict is keeping tabs on her, using it to see how far she can be trusted, but the fact that he's willing to let her do it all indicates he thinks there's a chance she can be trusted. Which is reassuring, since it confirms the way I'm feeling, even if my judgment is based more on intuition than logic. And, whatever it's real purpose, Amber could use a good brothel, something higher class than the dives the sailors frequent on the waterfront. It'll certainly make it easier on me, when the children are old enough to start having sex. I've offered my help, and Vixen seems happy to have it, even if there isn't much I can do while I'm still confined to the castle. It should be an interesting experience.

Shard hates me. If I ever had any doubts, I do no longer. It broke my heart to see him. To see what losing my soul has done to him. Why won't he let me give it back to him? I never meant to take it from him. Gods, he must know that, we were linked at one point. I can't believe he doesn't want to be human again. He'd have his own soul back then. How can he not want that? Maybe if I hadn't taken my soul from him, he would. But if he had my soul, our plan might not work. I almost wish I'd never gone on that damned mission. I never would have walked the Pattern if it wasn't for that. But I owe Briana's existence to that Pattern walk, as well, and I can't regret that. If only I'd been able to walk it without reclaiming that piece of my soul. He must despise me for that. I wish I could make it up to him.

It felt odd to be speaking to Bleys, after so many years of trying not to do so. After what he made me do, I never wanted to speak to him again. But my fear of Brand and what he might do is far stronger than any old resentment. I used to like Bleys once, after all. I still do, unfortunately. The man positively exudes charm. He looks good in a towel, too. Although I was surprised when he answered the door in one. I guess he thought I was Viktoria. I must admit, some of the arranged marriages seem to have worked out rather well. A pity that can't be said for all of them.

Amber, year 16, day 162 (Friday, July 21, 2994)

Morning

I spent the night up on the battlements. I was just too keyed up to sleep. And too nervous. What if Bleys' card doesn't work, and I have another dream? Then I'll know that it's hopeless. I don't want to face that possibility.

If I'd known from the start what the fight was over, I probably wouldn't have interfered. I never realized that Driscoll didn't tell Clytemnestra that he was going to Bedlam for six years. How could he do that to her? As closely bonded as they are? I didn't even realize how close until today. Gods, that must hurt for the women. I'd still do it though, to get a dragon friend. And I wouldn't leave mine behind without their knowledge, either. But I didn't know what it was about, and after Clytemnestra slashed Driscoll so badly, I was afraid that she might seriously injure him, so I used a spell to protect him. And one on me, which turned out to be wise, since Clytemnestra immediately slashed at me. Then she blew me off the battlements. What frightens me is there was a second when I was actually tempted to keep falling. It would mean an end to the untenable situation I find myself in. But I only felt that way for a moment. Tempting as it feels right now, I can't do that to Lucien and the children. I can't leave them, especially not in such a manner. The children might never guess that I allowed Clytemnestra to kill me, but Lucien would know. I've seen what Loryn's death did to him. I know it better than anyone. I will not cause him even a tenth of that pain, if I can help it.

I should have known Jalana would notice something was wrong. I've never been able to fool her for very long, not since she was a little girl. How did she know I was gone, when she woke up in the middle of the night? If I'd known she was sitting up waiting for me, I wouldn't have stayed up here. She insists she won't sleep tonight, unless I do. Where does she get this from? What am I supposed to tell her? How do I explain that I'm afraid to go to sleep?

Afternoon

Jalana refuses to eat any more than I do. And Lucien is helping her, damn it. He must be. I should have been able to fool her, otherwise. He has no right to do that. Jalana has to eat, whether I'm hungry or not. Does he want her to starve? Damn him!

Jalana seems to have taken it upon herself to follow me around. I sense her father's hand in this, as well. What does he want me to do? Pretend this isn't happening? I can't do that. All I can do is wait, and worry about whether I've done the right thing. Gods, for once I wish I wasn't so stupidly honest. If I had lied when Nicholas asked me if I was holding anything back, then I wouldn't be stuck here. A faerie could have done it without a second thought. Or found a way to twist their words such that they seemed to be telling all they knew. Which is doubtless why they've managed to keep the secret for 3,000 years, and I've barely managed six before giving away that I was hiding something. I'm such a fool.

I decided to talk to Bridget, mostly as an excuse to get Jalana off of the battlements. Which worked, although she threatened to check them later. Where does she get this determination from? It must be Lucien. As it turns out, it probably would have been better if I had left Bridget alone. She didn't react much to my news that she definitely was a foundling. I suppose she must have been expecting it, at this point. But she showed no interest in investigating it further, either. I don't understand that. When I first learned about Amber, and realized I finally had a chance to track down my parents, it was all I could think about. How can she not care? She doesn't seem to care about much of anything, lately. Not her parentage, not walking the Pattern, and, worst of all, not her child.

Vixen didn't become an assassin voluntarily. I feel better knowing that. It gives me hope. It sounds like she didn't have much of a childhood, though. Left by her mother when she was only six months old, sent to assassin school by her family in hopes that she'd die... Why did they hate her so much? Someday, I'll have to get the whole story from her.

I wasn't expecting Vixen to interfere when Lavender started questioning me. I didn't think she cared enough about me to do so. We connected last night, out on the battlements, but we still barely know each other. I know now that she considers me a friend. Or she's a very good actor. For now, I'm going to believe the former. I think I'd know if it was otherwise. It feels good to know that. It's the only good thing that's really happened these past two miserable days.

Lavender means well, she really does. I wish I could explain to her why I can't just give Nicholas the answers he seeks. I think she might have understood there, at the end. At least I hope she did. I wish I could talk to her about this. It's so frustrating. There's absolutely nothing I can do. It's all in Drumm's hands, now. Gods, I hope he's successful. And I hope Brand didn't learn of Avalon from me. Lavender said she had another dream last night, and I'm suddenly grateful that I couldn't sleep. I want no more of those dreams.

Eral only knows what Lavender and Lucien discussed, but now he's gone to Faerie. She must have figured out that Faerie is the source of my secret. Or Lucien guessed it on his own. He's good at that. I just wish he'd taken the children with him. At least they'd be out of Nicholas' reach in Faerie. Just in case he realizes that house arrest isn't going to make me tell him what he wants to know.

Lucien insists the children are safe in Amber, and that Nicholas is too honorable to do anything to them when his quarrel is with me. I want to believe him. I really do. And I do believe that Nicholas is honorable. But Ahab was honorable, too, and that still didn't stop him from ordering Bleys to use me the way he did. I'm sure he justified it as being for the good of Amber. Nicholas could do the same. I'd rather not take that chance, but I don't seem to have much choice in the matter. Gods, I'm making such a mess out of things.

Finding that Jalana was not with the other children, right after I'd been worrying about something happening to them, was the last thing I needed. All sorts of wild thoughts went through my head, until I found her crying on the battlements. Part of me knew I'd find her there, but it was still an odd mixture of shock and relief to see her there. In some ways, it was like looking in the mirror. Gods, I wish she took after her father more. She's too young to be so worried. I don't know how to reassure her, either. She's worried because I'm worried, and I can't just stop worrying simply because she wants me to. It's not that easy. I wish it was. At least I got her to promise not to go off alone like that again. I'll have to stay away from the battlements for a while, now that she knows to look for me there. That doesn't leave many other places I can be alone. I suppose that's the point. I don't really want to be alone right now, anyway. Maybe I should go see Vixen. I should at least thank her for stepping in when Lavender was questioning me, even if it wasn't necessary.

Shard paid a visit to Vixen last night. This disturbs me a bit. It sounds like he's lonely and looking for a friend. At least that's what I hope it is. Vixen said he made some remark about having lost his humanity recently. I can't help but hurt every time I think of that. I am sorry, Shard. I wish you would believe me.

Why is it that women I know want to name their children such terrible names? First Mother wanted to name my brother Misery, now Vixen wanted to name her child Torment. How can anyone even think of doing that to their own child? Vixen honestly didn't think the child would mind. At least she was willing to name the sword Eric gave her Torment, instead. He must really want her to forgive him if he gave her a weapon like that. They're not exactly commonplace. Vixen looked like she thought I was out of my mind when I spoke to it. The look on her face when it answered was absolutely priceless. I suppose I must have looked similarly, the first time I encountered Sequence. I wonder if she realizes how much effort Eric must have put into getting such a weapon for her? At least she is willing to talk to him, providing he stops trying to do so in public places. She'd probably be annoyed at me for passing that information along to Eric, but I don't care, if it gets them talking. I'm not nearly as annoyed at him, now that I know Vixen intended for him to father her child. I'm sure Eric picked up on that. Which means he knew she wanted the child. He only erred in not telling her that he knew for certain that she would get pregnant. Hearing Vixen talk about her concerns about Eric's intentions towards their child reminded me a lot of what I went through when I discovered that Mark was Lucien. I had all the same concerns, fearing that he had gotten me pregnant so that he could take the children away from me once they were born. It was terrifying. I don't think Eric got Vixen pregnant so he can steal the baby from her after it's born, but Vixen has to talk to him before she can know that herself.

Eric's gift of Torment to Vixen has precipitated things a bit, though. Vixen wants to test its edge against me and Alastor tomorrow, and I have agreed to this. It's sooner than I expected to be willing to spar with her, but it was going to happen one day. And refusing to do so would have thrown back in her face the tentative friendship we seem to be forming. I couldn't do that. Either I trust my instincts about Vixen, or I don't. If I do, then there's no reason not to spar with her. Of course, my decisions of late haven't turned out all that well, have they? I suppose I'm just too much the trusting fool to ever be much of an Amberite. Still, I feel I'm right about Vixen. It will be interesting to see if Lucien is willing to train with her. I understand her point. It's true that not battle can be fought in a straightforward manner. I insisted on learning much of what Lucien was going to teach the children for just that reason - there was always the chance that it might come in handy, someday. Still, I'd feel a lot better if I knew that was her reason for keeping up her skills as well, rather than intending to continue as an assassin. At least she did say fate seemed to be steering her in the direction of being a warrior. It's a start.

I thought it would be safe to take a short nap. I had Bleys' card to protect me, and I've never had one of those dreams when I've slept during the day before. Not until now, at least. It was about Corwin, of course. Which means the pattern seems to only be following the children of Oberon, not their descendants. I just wish it didn't feel so real. Lavender suggested trying to change the dream in some way, but how can I do that when I don't even know it's a dream until I wake up? Other than the first dream with Oberon, the dreams aren't unpleasant, and under other circumstances, they wouldn't bother me all that much. If I didn't think Brand was behind the dreams. Whatever his purpose in doing this to me, it cannot be good. What makes it worse is knowing Bleys' card didn't stop them. Which means either Brand is powerful enough to get by it, or he isn't using Trump. Or someone else is responsible. I don't like any of these options. I just want it all to stop.

Evening

I don't know what's come over Jalana. Usually she's such an agreeable child. She's certainly never behaved like this before. Traipsing all over the castle by herself, well past her bedtime, trying to track me down. And after she promised to stay in bed. I wasn't gone for more than 45 minutes before she found me in the gardens. I suppose I should be grateful that Shard told her where I was. The gods only know how long she would have wandered the castle, otherwise. I still can't believe she broke her promise. I thought I'd taught her better than that. She's being so irrational. She can't honestly expect me to go to sleep when she does. And unless we're in the same room, how would she know when I went to sleep, anyway? For once, I wish she was acting more like her brothers. Or at least she was as oblivious as they are. They're mad at me, too, but at least I understand why, and I know that they'll get over it, given time. But I don't know what to do to get Jalana to stop worrying.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on January 18, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.