Amber, year 16, day 160 (Wednesday, July 19, 2994)

Morning

Ruepert looked terrified by the sudden invasion of small children. At least it will discourage him from lurking under the table and looking up women's skirts. Bridget looked nervous too, and kept crossing herself. I had hoped she'd handle it better. I warned her this was going to happen before we left, in hopes of avoiding just this sort of reaction, and I don't remember her being too upset about the idea. She mainly thought we were all daft. So why is this affecting her so badly now?

I told Vincent that Lavender has chosen to stay in Amber for a while. He looked quite relieved, and said he knew I could do it. I wish he understood that this had more to do with Lavender seeing the merits of staying than any persuasive skills I might possess. I am not infallible. Sometimes the confidence of children is hard to bear. What would he have done if I'd failed?

I was hoping to talk to Fiona, to see if she has any idea how to keep Brand from getting access to my mind again. Walking the Pattern may have gotten rid of him, but since I have no idea how he got into my mind in the first place, it stands to reason he could do it again. And I can't keep walking the Pattern. But Fiona wasn't at breakfast, and I can't find her now, either. Busy working on something, no doubt. I left a message to be delivered to her, and I hope she responds soon. It makes me nervous to be so exposed.

Dead Oaks seems to be adapting to Amber amazingly well. He's even been shoed. I thought that was a result of the difficulty he had on the cobblestones in Dara's Shadow, but he places the blame on Lavender's shoulders. I guess she didn't want to risk getting dunked off a pier again. I wonder how she managed to talk him into it?

The dragons are still as magnificent as I remember. I brought the children to see them, but I would have gone even without them. It must be wonderful to have a companion like that. To be able to fly like that. Maybe, when things have calmed down, Lucien and I can go flying again.

Afternoon

Lucien says he'll be going to Middlecourt soon, which is fortunate, since we have to find tutors for the children, and he wanted to get them from there. I don't know what we're going to do about living quarters. My quarters in the castle are rather cramped for this many children, even including the room Mother used to use. Either of our houses outside of the castle have plenty of room, but I'm afraid to move there, with Brand still out there scheming. Maybe it's time to request separate quarters for the older children. They're almost 12. I don't know. They may be ready, but I don't know if I am.

I spent a little time talking with Kira, introducing her to Ana and Briana. Ana hadn't even been born when we last spoke, only a few days ago from Kira's perspective. She didn't quite know what to make of it all. I used to feel the same way whenever Lavender returned from one of her frequent sojourns into Shadow. I still feel that way, sometimes, when I look at Hary and realize that he should be Ana's age, not Morgan's. Or Nicholas, who should be only half a year older than Morgan, not nearly the age I was when I first came to Amber, already a father and a king. Or Brendan and Corbin, still infants, although six years have passed since last I saw them. There are certainly strategic advantages to fast-time Shadows, but I don't think I will ever get used to them. Or maybe I will get too used to them. The urge to crawl into one and pass years in peace, when it seems not a day can pass in Amber without some new disaster occurring... If it wasn't for the children, I would have been sorely tempted to stay in Bedlam. There, I could relax. Now that I'm back in Amber, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Kimdyl's funeral felt rather strange. I guess it's because she's been dead for so long to me, but to a lot of people there, she was killed only a few days ago. Her death is still fresh in their minds. I imagine everyone who went to Bedlam felt similarly odd. Another peril of fast-time Shadows, I suppose.

Evening

Vixen asked me to scan her again at dinner. I'm not sure why. Maybe she thought I missed something the first time. Well, I found something new, all right, but not because I missed it the first time. It wasn't there the first time. She's carrying Eric's child. Apparently, no one told her of the Pattern's effect on fertility, especially not Eric before he slept with her. Eric is such a bastard. Is this his sick idea of revenge? To get her pregnant without her consent, knowing she has to bear a child anyway, and therefore can't protest? I don't care what her punishment was, that's still unforgivable. This is not some revenge act that can be done and then is over with. It is a child. That poor baby. To owe your existence to such circumstances... Created by your father as vengeance on your mother, carried by her because it is her punishment. What kind of way is that to bring a child into the world?

The backgrounds of both Vixen and Bridget are rather vague, which makes it difficult to find the connection between them that I know is there. Vixen's father is a question mark, and her mother isn't much better, having run off when Vixen was only six months old. Now there's a familiar story. At least her mother didn't kill her father. Bridget was raised by peasants, but I suspect she was a foundling, although if so, they never told her. Only her father is dead, but she can hardly speak to her mother now, not after having Brendan out of wedlock. I've gotten a description of her home, though, so I may be able to use talking bones to determine if she was a foundling or not. I wish I could tell them what I already suspect about their background. I don't think I'll find a closer tie to anyone in the family, even if I do scan them all. I think their tie to Oberon comes through Ona. They must be descended from one of her children. But I cannot reveal what I know of her, or her kingdom. Gods, I hate this secret.

Bridget knows about Shard. She saw him some night and recognized him. It must have been recently, at least in Amber time. I think I would have noticed the way she's reacting to Brendan if it had been going on for long before I left. She's withdrawing from him as though he were the undead one. It's not fair to him. Shard was perfectly human when he fathered Brendan. There's no reason why what happened to him since should affect the baby. I tried to make Bridget see this, but I'm not sure how successful I was. She needs to walk the Pattern. That should make her face the connection she has to this family. And maybe it will make her more accepting of other things as well.

Nicholas wasn't present at dinner. I'm not too surprised, so soon after Kimdyl's funeral. Even if he did have five months to get used to it, it's not easy to say goodbye to your mother. I still get sad sometimes when I think of mine, and she's been dead for 16 years, now. Since I didn't want to disturb Nicholas, I wrote him a note about Vixen's condition. I thought he should know, just in case he's planning more missions for her. Given that he wants the child from her, I would hope he won't do anything to jeopardize its life before its born. I asked him to let Bridget walk the Pattern, also, and to allow me to go with her when she does. Or Felix. Or Lavender. Or all of us. It's going to be difficult enough to get her to do this as it is. I think having people she knows there will help.

I'll admit, that was a mistake. But I honestly thought it would help. Mebd was fussing so about thinking Alex was an impostor, just because she'd seen him turn into a fox. Admittedly, it didn't sound like the sort of stimulus that I would expect to instill in Alex a desire to shapeshift, but maybe it was his way of telling her that he wasn't in the mood. So I thought that if I used Resume True Form on him, and nothing happened, that would assure her that Alex was really Alex. Simple, right? Until Alex turned into a fox. Lucien says it's possible for your true form to be reset by magic. Now that I think about it, it can be done by shapeshifting, too. I was never able to use Resume True Form to restore Kira, after Lucien turned her into a page. But still, I had no idea that was what had happened to Alex. You know, if he'd told Mebd about it ahead of time, he would have avoided this whole mess. There are drawbacks to being so secretive. I wonder what Vixen wanted with him? Maybe she was just interested in talking to a fellow fox/human. Or what appeared to be one. Hell, maybe she thinks he can undo what Lucien did to her. I'd be very surprised if that's true, and even more surprised if Alex would do it, even if he could. I don't think anyone wants to be on Nicholas' bad side right now.

Still no sign of Shard. Does he hate me that much? I wish he would talk to me. I just want to help him. If he can be made human again, then he could finally see Brendan. And Bridget would stop fearing him and their child. If only he would let Lucien try it. If only he would talk to me. I never meant for this to happen.

Amber, year 16, day 161 (Thursday, July 20, 2994)

Early morning

I had almost forgotten about the dreams. So much time had passed since the last one. They can't just be a product of my subconscious. It's too much of a coincidence that they only take place when I'm in Amber, but not when I'm in a fast Shadow. And that Lavender had her own disturbing dreams on the same nights that I did. Although not this night. Someone must be sending them. And I fear that someone is Brand. He was in my mind, after all. Somehow. And I can detect no sign of magic, either faerie or sorcery. But walking the Pattern should have gotten rid of him. How did he manage to get back into my mind so quickly? And how do I keep him out for good? I cannot live like this, fearing that he knows my every thought. Why do the dreams keep progressing? Will they include the women as well? Or the descendants of my aunts and uncles? If Brand is sending them, why is he doing this? And what happens when the dreams reach him?

Morning

Lavender contrived to get Nicholas and Beauty to spend the night together. Given their absence from breakfast, it appears to have worked. I hope the whole thing knocks some sense into Nicholas' head. Given how he was acting towards Beauty in Rath, I know he loves her. And she and Corbin are targets whether he marries her or not. So there's no reason he can't marry her, if he wants to. The trick is getting him to realize that.

Lavender doesn't have any more ideas about the dreams than I do. Other than my Trump call to her last night, her rest was undisturbed. She voiced a question I've been wondering, though. How close are these dreams to reality? Not having slept with any of the principles in question, I really can't say. Nor do I really want to compare notes with Vixen, as far as Eric is concerned. I'm not that desperate. Not yet, at least.

Vixen showed up in the sparring room again. No one else was there except for Lavender, the children, and I, so she wound up sparring with Lavender. Lavender figures it doesn't matter if she fights with Vixen, since Vixen is so much better than her anyway. And knowing that may cause Vixen to underestimate her in other areas. There is logic to this, I must admit.

Still no sign of Fiona. I don't know what to do. If Brand is in my mind again... How can I do anything until I know for sure? The thought that he might be listening to every word I say, watching everything I do...it's driving me crazy. I've got to do something. Anything to stop thinking about it.

Somewhere in Shadow

Bridget was a foundling. I was almost positive before, but now I've confirmed it. If only I could tell where she was found. All I have is the direction her adoptive father came from. I can't question the father about it, since he's dead. Would he have told his wife? Maybe. But it will be difficult to get her to talk to me, at least willingly. I could make her tell me psychically, but... Given what Brand's been doing to me, somehow I just can't stomach the idea right now. I'll have to tell Bridget what little I've learned. Maybe if she confronts her mother, she'll get some answers.

Amber

I wrote Fiona another note, and Lucien insisted on delivering it personally. I don't understand why. Does he just think he stands a better chance of getting her to listen to him? Or is there something else he needs to talk to her about? He's been gone too long to just drop the note off. I'm starting to get worried.

Vixen came to see me, full of questions about pregnancy. It didn't occur to me until I'd spoken to her for a bit that she knows almost nothing about the process, at least in humans. But I find hope in her desire to learn. I know her interest probably owes more to the desire to simply fulfill her obligation and get it done with. If she miscarries, after all, she just has to do it again. But I can't stop hoping that maybe her interest indicates some interest in the child itself. I know it's wishful thinking, but... I want her to be interested in the child. If she can manage to bond with it over the pregnancy, maybe there's a chance she'll keep it. I think she needs to. It strikes me that she must be terribly lonely. Not just here, but in general. Maybe it was the way she was talking about her background last night. I have to wonder how many people she's had in her life that have cared for her. Not many, I'll bet. I know it's stupid to feel sympathy for an assassin, but it's been six years, and I just don't feel as bitter towards her anymore. I feel a bit sorry for her, actually. Which doesn't mean I trust her, but... It can't hurt to talk to her, can it?

Lucien returned with Fiona, but talking to her only made things worse. Brand isn't in my mind, thank the gods, at least not when Fiona scanned me. But she thinks he's been sending the dreams by Trump, and gained the information about our attack the same way. And with this Eye, or Jewel, of Destruction that he stole, he could be doing it right now, and I wouldn't even notice. It's terrifying to think of. How can we fight him if he can spy on us at will? There must be some way to block him, but Eral knows it's nothing I can do. I would assume Nicholas has people working on it. Maybe that's what Fiona is investigating. But until they have something...Fiona said there was nothing I could do, except go someplace where Trump doesn't work. And the only place I'm familiar with like that is Faerie. I've got to go there quickly, before Brand finds out about Loryn's secret. The faeries' secret. Or someone else does. I shouldn't have asked Fiona that last question as she was leaving. The way she turned around and looked at me...she has to suspect something. Why else would she have suddenly asked what I was thinking, after obviously wanting nothing more than to end the conversation? Gods, I wish I could tell her. But it's not my secret to tell. And I don't even know if the disappearance of the Eye of Creation, or Jewel of Creation, whichever it is, is even connected to this. Maybe I can convince the faeries to pass a message to Ona, explaining what's happened. Maybe she'll finally agree to end the secret. I don't know what else to do. I just feel like the walls are closing in on me, all of a sudden. And I have to escape, before it's too late.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on January 3, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.