Amber, year ten, day 159 continued

Morning

I can't believe she's being allowed to just sit at breakfast like she's one of the family. I mean, I know she is, but she killed Kimdyl! I didn't want her dead, but this is going a bit far. What sort of punishment is this?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not just a bit too paranoid, but every now and then something happens that makes I'm glad that I am. Jenogen's blast destroyed part of the wall. I wonder if there would have been anything left of me, had it hit me as he intended? I think that was going a bit overboard. All I did was remind him that he is no more infallible than Bartholomew is. He's such a contradiction. As Ruepert, he's mostly annoying, always saying things that are almost guaranteed to get him smacked soundly. As Jenogen, when I first met him, he seemed quite arrogant, of course, but not this...nasty. I wouldn't have thought him the sort to try and kill someone because of a casual remark, even if it was a bit stinging. And this obsession he has with getting revenge on Bartholomew... He is an unpredictable, dangerous man. He reminds me of Brand, in some ways.

What is most fascinating is that Jackie, who hates men so furiously, should have fallen in love with this man, of all people. Perhaps it is because he isn't always a man. Maybe that is what allowed her to get beyond her irrational attitude and grow to love him. He wasn't a man, after all. It must have confused things terribly when he did manage to get his body back, once again. From the things Meander has said, that must have been rather interesting. But she obviously still loves him. Her despair when she thought he'd left her made that very clear. Although she really does need to tone her paranoia regarding him down a bit. She makes me look calm and relaxed. She honestly thought he'd left her, simply because he gave her some criticism about her behavior, and then she couldn't find him. Why would he leave her over that? Her behavior is hardly a new thing, and he's been married to her for how long? It seemed unlikely that he would leave without a word for that reason, and I said as much. Which is when she assumed that he'd run off with another woman. It's obvious that their relationship is lacking where trust is concerned, if that's her immediate reaction. I'm pretty sure Jenogen would never do that to her. He knows she'd kill him, for one thing.

Bartholomew still appears to be hiding from Nicholas, judging by the manner in which Lyss she answered the door. And now he has Jenogen to worry about, too. I hope he and Meander can come up with a way to protect him. Disc magic is very powerful. If my training on the Disc wasn't enough for me to figure this out, the way I felt after deflecting that spell was ample proof. Ow. I think I finally know what people feel like when they get sunburned.

It was good to spar with Usires, at least until Jackie interrupted. She still had Abel. Poor Meander, that must have been disorienting. I wonder if he can choose not to accept Abel's sight? If not, then he must have gotten an eyeful when I caught Abel, after Jackie threw him at the pillar. What is it about Disc familiars that gives them such a fascination with breasts?

Ronan has been appointed the Captain of the King's Guard. I'm happy for him, since he so desperately wanted to find a place here, and now he has one. It infuriates me on some levels, though. Were Lavender and I even considered for this? Or were we passed over because we are women? I'd like to think Benedict is above that sort of thing. I suppose Lavender already has a position, and my children keep me rather too busy to have the time to do the job properly. But I would like to have been asked, just the same.

Ronan had an interesting question, though. He wanted to know if there's a way to use sorcery to ensure his men's loyalty. I don't think so, but I said I'd check. Surely if such a thing was easy to do, Benedict would have done it by now? I offered to psychically verify that those swearing the oath meant what they said, and he may take me up on it. I suppose it's possible to implant a psychic command making it impossible for them to break their oath, but I won't do something like that without consent, and I doubt very highly anyone would consent to such a thing. Even if you never intend to do break your oath, to be asked to submit to such a process implies that your word is not sufficient. That you have no honor. If you treat your people like they are going to betray you, then you will guarantee that they do so.

Vixen seems to be everywhere, today. First at breakfast, then down in the practice room. Usires actually agreed to spar with her. You'd think Caine, of all people, would have taught him better. Well, his foolishness is my gain, I guess. I now know as much about Vixen's fighting abilities as I possibly could, short of fighting her myself. And I will never do that, unless it is in deadly earnest. Not until I feel I can trust her. Until that day, I would rather have her think me weak and softhearted, as she currently does. It will make her underestimate me. And given how closely matched we appear to be in our fighting abilities, that may be my only chance of defeating her. If it comes to that.

Afternoon

I feel a little bit better about Vixen, now that I know what her punishment is. I think Nicholas came up with an appropriate one, demanding 100 years of service from her. Assuming she can be trusted. I felt a bit odd about requiring her to bear a child, though. It hasn't been that long since I was faced with that choice, myself. I refused it because I could not give a child of mine up, though. I doubt Vixen will have such compunctions. And who will raise this child? I suspect it will not be its mother.

I discussed Ronan's idea with Lucien. The only way he's heard of that will do what Ronan wishes is something called high compelling, which seems to be a very advanced form of conjuration. I had a feeling it couldn't be an easy thing to accomplish. It's just as well. The idea of forcing someone to act in a certain manner, whatever the method, doesn't sit right with me.

Now that we are back, it is time to finally try to free Miranda. Much as I hate to do this to Lavender, I think Foster should go instead of her. She'd make too good a hostage for Zane for us to risk her on this mission. Lucien is going to make one more recon of the area where she is being held, and then we'll make our final plan. This is turning out to be much more complicated than I originally thought it would be, back when I first began this quest. I'm looking forward to finally meeting this woman. Assuming we succeed.

Nicholas wants Vixen to come with us. There was a brief moment when I wanted to protest, then I thought better of it. She knows no one in Chaos that she could betray us to. And once we're there, she has to help, or get killed with the rest of us. I can see the logic in this. Certainly, if she does die, she will be missed less than anyone else who might go.

Lavender has left her children with me, while she goes out to dinner with her men. She seemed very excited about something when she left. I wonder what's going on?

Evening

Eric seems to be spending an amazing amount of time with Vixen, given that she tried to kill him twice. Maybe he just likes playing with fire. Ronan looked pretty disgusted with him. I spent a good part of the meal talking with Ronan about troops and training and such. I should introduce him to Lavender, she loves talking about that sort of thing. He was disappointed about my news regarding his idea, but not surprised. I think he suspected it wouldn't be that simple. I also offered to introduce him to Shard. If he is going to be in charge of the guards, they should get acquainted. I hope he handles the idea of vampires better than he handled the dragons.

Lucien returned before dinner was finished, and he looked rather pleased. I'm assuming the recon went well. I told him about Vixen's addition to the party, and he didn't seem surprised. I'm going to gather everyone together to finalize the plan, after I've taken Ronan to Shard.

Ronan handled meeting Shard quite well. Of course, I waited until I knew Shard had fed, so Shard looked normal, but still, not everyone can meet a vampire for the first time and not run screaming in terror. They talked about the castle guard, and I realized I've never really paid all that much attention to the logistics of it. They're just always there. I wonder if the pressure of being responsible for all of that ever gets to Benedict?

Shard and I talked for a bit after Ronan left, mostly about Bridget. He seemed pleased that she was attending meals now, and said he'd try to come to one of them. It's a good way for her to meet him again. I wish him luck in overcoming her fears.

We have all the final details out of the plan worked out. Now we just have to wait until morning. And try to sleep. That's going to be difficult. We probably over-prepared, but that tends to be a fault of mine. I know it looks like it should be easy, but things are rarely as easy as they seem. There was a bit of a scare when Vixen thought the place where Miranda was being held was the same place Brand brought her to, but fortunately they didn't match. I guess we were all feeling a bit jumpy. There must be thousands of castles built on elevated land throughout Shadow, after all. Then Nimue wanted to join the group. I'm still not sure that I made the right decision in allowing her to do so, but she badly needs to release her anger on something, and if it can't be Vixen, well... I figured it couldn't hurt to have another hand along. We'll know tomorrow if I was right.

I asked Tamaryn to look after the children while we're gone. If all goes well, it shouldn't be necessary. Anne and Mother can handle the children for a couple of hours, and it shouldn't take longer than that. If all goes well. But if it doesn't... There is a possibility, as with all such things, that none of us will come back. And if Lucien and I both die... I think the children could be happy with Tamaryn. And I know she loves them. I couldn't ask Lavender, not when she already has three of her own. I just hope this is another unnecessary precaution.

Amber, year ten, day 160 (Tuesday, July 18)

Morning

I knew when I smelled the blood that something had gone horribly wrong. But I could not have guessed just how horribly. It was hard to ignore all the suffering I saw, but I knew it couldn't be happening. It just couldn't. Nothing worked, not Pattern, not Trump, not my ring... In the end, I approached the doctor who kept urgently waving me over because I had run out of things to try. And there was the dying child he tended. What if it was real, after all? I was so focused on the child, that I didn't pay much attention to the doctor, at first. Although I did notice that he bore a resemblance to Shard. It was when I realized that the child was dead, and the doctor told me that I'd wasted all of the good blood, that I finally realized that he was a vampire. A moment too late, as it turns out. Why didn't I realize what he was before? I've always been able to sense vampires, ever since I began transfusing Shard. The vampire said it was time for my initiation, and I felt a shiver of fear go through me as I stepped back, not meeting his eyes. Then I felt a shiver of a different sort, and I couldn't move. I didn't want to move, even when he turned my head to the side and sank his teeth into my neck. It hurt as much as I remembered it. And I couldn't bring myself to care. Somewhere, deep inside, I screamed.

I have no idea how much time passed before he stopped, ran his thumb over the wound on my neck, and then kissed me. And suddenly, my mind was my own again. I remember stepping away quickly, and feeling very dizzy. I simply stared numbly for a moment, wondering what would happen next. If he felt like finishing the job, there was no way I could stop him. It was then that I realized that the room had changed. Or maybe I was finally seeing it. I reached for Lucien again, but my ring was gone. I felt rather relieved, in a light-headed sort of way. He'd know what had happened, if I contacted him. I didn't want him to know. I didn't want anyone to know.

We talked after that. Which seems strange, but I couldn't think of anything else to do. I didn't want anyone else to see me, not with the marks still on my neck, and my skin still pale with blood loss. And I couldn't do anything about that while he was there. If he knew I could replenish my blood supply so quickly... He said his name was Lasker, and he had been offered his freedom in exchange for doing...what he did to me. He also returned my missing ring. Something about being a gentlemen before he died. Not enough of a gentlemen to stop him from feeding on me, though. I pray he was only joking when he said he might have to visit me again. He finally left me alone, and I was able to heal the wound. Thank the gods I learned healing magic on the Disc. I don't think I could have faced the others while still bearing that...mark.

I used the ring to find Lucien, unconscious in the dining room. He still seemed to be shapeshifting. There were voices in the other room, but I couldn't summon the energy to investigate. Everything seemed so distant. Nimue came into the room, and then Vixen and Foster joined us, but I didn't care. It wasn't until Lucien stirred that I roused enough to really pay attention to my surroundings again. I was afraid of how he might wake up, if what had happened to him was anything like what happened to me. I tried to send a him a reassuring feeling. I don't know if it helped. I felt anything but reassuring. He mentioned something about Brand when he woke up, and then left with Foster left to find Usires. I stayed where I was, still too numb to care. How could Brand have known that I've been bitten before? No one knows that, save Lucien and Shard.

They finally came back with Usires, and we got out of that place. It still seems to be morning in Amber, even though it feels like we left so long ago. Everyone went their separate ways without speaking. What was there to say? We were set up, and we failed. Why? What did Brand want of us? I have to tell Nicholas of my failure. The mission was mine, the blame must be mine as well. Why did Brand fight Lucien, but not the rest of us? What did he need us kept busy for? How am I going to tell Lucien what happened, when I can barely think of it?

I couldn't even speak for the longest time. I just held him and shook. Delayed shock, I guess. Lucien just kept telling me that I was all right. All right. I'm not sure I'll ever be all right again. But at least I was finally able to tell him of what had happened to me. He wants to track Lasker down and kill him. Doing so would remove the effects of Lasker's bite, leaving me with only Shard's. I hope the transfusion Jasmine suggested that one time will do the trick, instead. I don't want him going after Lasker. I'm afraid he won't come back, and it's not worth that risk, not to me. Who knows how old Lasker is? Gods, I don't think I've ever been so frightened. I thought Lasker was going to make me a vampire. It could still happen. All it takes is one more bite. I couldn't live with that. To never be able to have children again, to drink people's blood to survive... An eternity of never being able to be with the people I care about. I don't know how Shard stands it. I just know that I could not.

Lavender is going into Shadow. Again. She's passing 12 years, this time. 12 years. Will I even know her after all that time? It seems like every time we get reacquainted, she takes off again. And how will I explain this to the children? It's bad enough that they lost Nicholas as their playmate. If it happens to them again... Lavender has invited us to join her, and I think we may have to. At least for the first six years. I don't want the children to completely grow up away from Amber. Especially not in an environment as high tech as this Bedlam is. I don't want them becoming so comfortable with the technology that they can't do without it. And I don't want them thinking of Bedlam as their home instead of Amber. I wasn't planning to raise them out of Amber at all. But if it will spare the children the pain of losing their friends, how can I refuse? And, I must admit, after what happened today, I wouldn't mind some time away from Amber to deal with it. I just wish it didn't feel like we're running away. We only got back from Rath a day ago. Poor Vivienne. She'll be losing all of her playmates, except for Darby. At least Ana will be old enough to play with her when we return.

Lavender and Foster are marrying Driscoll. That's why they needed me to watch their kids last night. They proposed to him over dinner. I'm happy for them, of course, although the timing could be better. I just can't seem to muster much enthusiasm over anything, right now. I wonder if anyone in the family will object to the arrangement? It is unusual, by Amber standards.

Lucien thinks Brand is in my mind, somehow, that this is how he knew so much about our plans. How he knew about my susceptibility to vampires. The thought makes me sick. That he could somehow be watching me, all of the time, knowing my innermost thoughts... How is he doing this? Lucien isn't sure, but he thinks walking the Pattern might undo it. Or at least remove anything Brand might have done while we were in his castle. I'm nervous about the idea. It might make me whole again, but what if it doesn't? What if it makes the vampire taint permanent? And what will it do to Shard?

I gave Nicholas my report on the mission. All of it. Telling of what happened to me was the most difficult part, of course. I related that as quickly as possible. Thankfully, Nicholas didn't question me any more about it. He thinks everyone from the mission should walk the Pattern. I guess there's no avoiding it. Nicholas also gave his permission for me and my family to join Lavender on her trip into Shadow. I'm not sure what I would have done if he'd denied it. Asked why, I suppose. I'm not even sure what prompted me to ask for his permission in the first place. I never would have asked Random. Or Oberon. I would have told Ahab, though. I guess I did it to show Nicholas that I respected his authority. Not that he probably even noticed. Or cared, for that matter. But I thought I owed at least that much to Ahab's son.

Shard knows what I'm going to do, and he's nervous. So am I. He has no idea what my walking the Pattern will do to him, or if he can survive without my soul, if the Pattern returns the piece he has to me. I don't know what to do. I have to walk the Pattern. Eral only knows what Brand may have done to us. But I don't want to hurt Shard. I wish the Pattern would speak to me, like it did that one time. I've asked it not to hurt Shard, but I don't even know if it heard me. For all we know, the Unicorn's death may have destroyed its sentience as well.

I haven't walked the Pattern in six years, and I could happily have gone six more without repeating the process. About the only thing I've ever done in my life that is harder is giving birth. But it was worth it. I am whole again, free of the effects of the vampire taint. No longer just one stage away from becoming a child of night. I cannot describe the relief I feel at this. But I'm worried about Shard. The Pattern not only removed the effects of his bite, it returned the piece of my soul, as well. What if he's dying in agony, as he was after the Pattern first returned? I must find him, and soon.

Shard appears to be adjusting to his loss, with the help of a transfusion. He looked so miserable, though. It tears at my heart. It's not fair. I've survived these six months missing that piece of my soul, with no ill effects. Except for that one night when Shard lost control. But Shard needs it, I think, even if his body can now survive without it. I think it keeps him human. And he's had it for 400 years. That's longer than I've even been alive. In that sense, it's more his than mine. I wish there was some way to help him. If Lucien can switch from human to vampire, and back, then surely he must be able to apply the process to Shard? We have to try. If Shard will let us.

Afternoon

The children seem enthusiastic about the upcoming trip. I didn't think they'd mind. We just returned to Amber, after all, so they haven't been back long enough to settle in yet. Ana, of course, is too young to even notice. For her sake, more than anyone's, we have to come back to Amber after six years. She will only have spent one day in Amber by then, and will have no memory of it at all.

Gérard and Isabeux are coming with us into Shadow, as are Felix and Tamaryn. It's turning into a regular expedition. I'm glad, though. It feels more comfortable with so many people. I wonder why Beauty isn't coming? Maybe they figure that people wouldn't be able to accept Nicholas' heir growing up overnight. Although, no one seems to have objected when Ahab did this with Nicholas. Maybe Lavender knows.

I told Bridget that we'd be going into Shadow again. She thinks we're all daft. Sometimes I think she's right. But Lavender is determined, and as long as she goes, the rest of us go too. It's amazing how one person can wreak so much havoc on so many people's lives.

Mother has agreed to come with us, as well. I was hoping she might. I'd hate for her to miss so much of her grandchildren's lives. And, I must admit, I didn't want to have to wait six years for my brother to be born, either. It's odd sometimes, to think that my children will all be older than their uncle.

Evening

Shard refuses to speak to me. I cannot find him, nor reach him via Trump or sorcery. He must still be hurt by what happened this morning. I wish he understood that I just want to help him. If Lucien can't shift him back, and we can't think of anything else, I'm willing to give him that piece of my soul back. He seems to need it far more than I. I left him a note to that effect. I hope he contacts us before we leave. It would help if we knew whether Lucien's method was successful before we pass six years. At least we'd know we needed to keep looking for other possible solutions.

Vixen still seems to be pursuing Eric, if dinner tonight was any indication. I'm not going to worry about it. Eric is more than old enough to take care of himself. It felt weird to be eating with people, knowing that I wouldn't see them again for six years, while they won't even notice that I was gone. I wonder what Ronan will make of it, when we show up at breakfast? It's hard to say. He already saw several of us pregnant one evening, and with infants the next morning. Hopefully, Eric's explained how time varies between Shadows to him.

Lavender's ceremony was a small one, with Bartholomew officiating. Not at all like the Amber weddings I've witnessed, but that was hardly a surprise. I wonder where the ceremony came from? Everyone said goodbye at the reception. Beauty seemed understandably upset that she can't come along. At least Caitt is staying with her, although she seemed just as unhappy about it. It made for an interesting atmosphere, with so much joy and sorrow mixed together. At least Felix seems to have forgiven Driscoll. Things could have been a bit awkward in Bedlam, otherwise.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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All text on this page is © 1996 by Kris Fazzari.

Last modified on December 21, 1996 by Kris Fazzari.