Amber, year ten, day 12 continued

Afternoon

I got my first good look at Eric's assassin. She was fast. As fast as me, or faster. I hate that. She must be a Chaosite. She has to be, to be that fast. And to shapeshift that way...only those from Vetch can shed mass like that. And not even all of them. I showed the scene to Lucien, but he didn't recognize her. That didn't mean she wasn't from his house, though, not the way she fought. Hell, with her hair color, she could even be one of his. I'd be surprised, though. Lucien's shapeshifting is good enough that I doubt he has any unknown children around.

She tried for Eric again! I thought she might. Where were Benedict's guards? She went for poison this time, instead of brute force. She learns from her mistakes, then. I hope Lucien catches her. I hope I can stay awake long enough to find out what's going on. I'm beginning to think that the attack on Eric is not what raised the alarm. There was no one else there when I found him. But if not him, what?

Kimdyl is dead. Apparently the assassin killed her before trying to finish off Eric. How did this happen? Kimdyl was an assassin herself, by all the gods. How did someone manage to take her unawares? Although, maybe she wasn't taken unawares. Maybe she simply didn't care. With Ahab's death so fresh...I know that numbness well. She probably welcomed death. If the situations were reversed, and I had recently lost Lucien, would I resist if someone tried to kill me? Probably not. But it isn't fair to Nicholas and Nimue, to lose both of their parents so soon.

Why does Lucien do these things? Why couldn't he have just brought the assassin to Nicholas? I told him that the she was here because I believed he stood the best chance of catching her of anyone. And I certainly was in no shape to try and do so. The way his eyes lit up at the idea...I thought I'd made the right decision. I suppose I should have expected that he'd want to question her privately. He's spent so many years as the undisputed master of his house, it just doesn't occur to him that he can't simply walk off with an assassin and just do what he pleases with her. But damn it, if he doesn't want to live in Amber, I wish he'd just say so. It would save a lot of wear and tear on my nerves.

I suppose I should feel flattered that Lucien finally deigned to allow me to join him. I wish he'd chosen a method other than grabbing my ankle and yanking me through the floor. It's not the most relaxing way to wake up from a nap. Although the adrenaline did serve to overcome my exhaustion for a bit. The assassin seemed nervous. I suppose I would too, in her position. She's caught, and Nicholas isn't likely to show any mercy. Lucien explained that she had been hired by Brand, and then discarded by him when she was successful. It's hard for me not to feel sympathy for anyone used by Brand. But she wasn't used. He didn't force her to try to kill Eric. Twice. He didn't force her to try to kill Kimdyl, either. I can't even really comprehend her death, not yet. Maybe it's because I haven't seen her since Ahab died. I've occasionally thought I should look in on her, and see how she is...was. But how could I? We had only come to a sort of peace between us a few scant months ago. A peace that only came about because she felt that the Queen of Amber could not afford to continue a petty jealousy towards one of her husband's former lovers. I can't imagine that she would find any comfort in my presence. It would only make things worse. Or so I told myself. But still, despite the problems she had with me, I had liked her. She'd made Ahab happy. She didn't deserve to die that way.

I should probably have expected Lucien to identify with her. He is an assassin too, after all. Was an assassin. He wanted to change her story a bit, make it seem like Brand forced her to work for him, by controlling her mind. It's a good story. I certainly wouldn't put it past Brand to do that. But it's not the truth. And I wouldn't lie to Nicholas, especially not about this. Lucien must have known I'd feel that way. Why did he bring me to her, knowing that? To identify her, in part. Because she's an Amberite. I was surprised by that, I must admit. I thought she must have been a Chaosite, probably from Lucien's house. But an Amberite... Whose child is she? Lucien said he also brought me there for my advice. I feel a bit better inside to know that. At least he's willing to listen to me. If only he'd asked my advice before he'd left with the assassin.

Her name is Vixen. I don't know why I asked. I probably shouldn't have. It makes her more of a person if I know her name. I should have just kept thinking of her as Kimdyl's killer. My mistake. It disturbs me that I sense no malice from her. It's not like Sand, or Brand, or Teresa. It would be easier if she seemed cruel. I hate this. She is family, though, Lucien was right about that. Unfortunately, her lineage still remains a mystery. It didn't occur to me until I had scanned her, and could find no immediate link, that I realized how many people I have healed since I developed this ability. Maybe that's why I can identify Amberite lineage and Lucien can't, even though he's vastly superior as far as shapeshifting goes. No Amberite would knowingly allow him contact with them. But they have trusted me enough to allow this. And this is precisely why I will not lie to people. For as soon as I do, I lose that trust. And such trust is far too precious to be thrown away. But even with all of the people I've been in contact with, I still can't find a match for Vixen. Which is almost impossible. Even though I haven't healed every single member of the family, I have done so with at least one person from each of Oberon's lines. I should have been able to narrow it down to which of Oberon's wives Vixen was descended from, if nothing else. But Oberon is the only link I can find, and it's a distant one at that. Oberon and Bridget. I only really thought of her because I haven't been able to pin down her lineage, either. I wasn't too surprised when they turned out to be a closer match than anyone else. Still not close enough to be siblings, or anything like that. Damn.

At least I convinced Lucien to bring her back to Amber, instead of holding onto her himself. We turned her over to Benedict, and then I relayed Nicholas' request that Lucien speak to him immediately upon his return. I wish I could have gone in with him. It feels like they've been arguing in there forever. The fact that Lucien brought Vixen back relatively quickly has to mean something. At least I hope it does. The remark about his head lying next to Vixen's makes me feel uneasy. I wish Lucien would just admit that he made a mistake. He doesn't rule here. And Nicholas can't allow anyone to so flagrantly disregard his authority, not so soon into his reign. At this rate, I wonder if we'll even be allowed to stay in Amber.

The bad part about being able to read people is that you know you're going to get bad news before you get it. As soon as I saw Lavender's face, I knew something troubling had happened. I'm glad she called me when she did, though. If Beauty's placenta had separated any further... There was a horrifying moment, when I realized that I knew exactly what was happening, and why, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. Then I thought of Lucien. If he couldn't help her, there was no one living who could. He wouldn't answer my Trump call, of course, since Nicholas was still venting, so Lavender went to fetch him, while I tried to get Beauty to lie still and stay calm. Even Lucien had difficulty fixing things. He wound up needing to actually touch the uterus, and I knew Beauty would never allow this. It had been difficult enough to allow Lucien to lay his hand on her abdomen. Fortunately, he could use me as a conduit, but even then we had difficulty convincing Beauty. What in the name of the gods did she think was going to happen when she delivered the child?

It was an odd feeling, to have Lucien use me to interface what he was doing. I have no trouble at all understanding exactly what he did. I also know I could never reproduce it on my own. I have the knowledge, but not the control required. It will be a long time before I do. But at least he was able to repair the damage. Unfortunately, it could happen again. The same magic that caused the pregnancy in the first place is making it an unstable one. The only way Beauty stands a chance of coming close to full term is if she is confined to bed immediately. Even then, there are no guarantees, but it is the best chance she has.

Beauty didn't take the news well. I didn't think she would. I can't say I enjoyed the time I was confined because of the twins. But I did it because it had to be done, and she will have to do the same if she wants the child to survive. I can only hope Nicholas will heed my advice and spend more time with her. Keeping her confined to bed will be useless, if she is stressed about his absence. I think he will, though. He seemed quite anxious about her when I spoke to him. The look he gave Lucien though, and what he said... This isn't finished? You'd think he'd show a little more gratitude to the man who just saved his child's life.

Evening

Nicholas is taking Beauty to a fast Shadow and having the child overnight. I've been asked to go along. Well, ask is being polite. Nicholas stated he would order me, if he had to. I felt hurt he thought that would be necessary. I am Beauty's midwife. And she's the daughter of my best friend. I will do everything in my power to make sure that she and her child are safe. The only thing that could have made me refuse was if I was not permitted to bring my family with me. I promised Lucien that I would not have Ana without him, and I will not break that promise. I'm glad we're going, in a way. I wanted some quiet time as a family. With things going the way they have been recently, I don't think I'll get that chance in Amber. Although, having Lucien and Nicholas locked in Shadow together doesn't strike me as being completely stress-free, either.

Rath, year ten, day 14

Lucien and Nicholas finally finished their argument. I'm glad it's over with. Nicholas seems to have won, so maybe now things will be a little less tense around here. One can only hope.

Rath, year ten, day 17

Lavender's been appointed the ambassador to Faerie. I offered my congratulations, then got the hell out of there. It's not just the fact that I didn't get the position - although I suppose that's part of it. I'm getting used to not being considered good enough for any job. After the way I screwed up with Oberon, I'm surprised Nicholas even trusts me with the Miranda investigation. But, besides that, I just don't think it was a good decision on Nicholas' part. It hasn't been that long since Lavender was happily taking faerie heads, after all.

Rath, year ten, day 18

Lavender claims that she no longer hates the faeries. Something to do with Ahab's death. I don't claim to understand it. I'm glad she's made her peace with them, though. At least I don't feel so uneasy about her new position. But I just don't see how Ahab's death led her to this conclusion. There are times when I don't understand Lavender at all. Maybe she just needed to find some meaning in Ahab's death. I wish I could do the same.

Rath, year ten, day 24

The children all seem to be getting along well, so far. Morgan and Hary seem to be vying a bit for the position of leader, since both of them have that role among their siblings. It will be interesting to see who gives way first. I'm guessing it will be Hary. He's just too good-natured to push the issue with someone he likes. Iseult and Jalana make an interesting pair. Neither of them seem to know what to make of each other. Which is rather ironic, since they are the children closest to Lavender and myself in temperament. It's sort of like watching two miniature versions of ourselves meeting for the first time. I wonder if they'll be as close as Lavender and I? Speaking of Iseult, Vincent seems to have taken an interest in her, much to her dismay. The fact that she doesn't return that interest seems to have made him even more determined. It's kind of cute, actually. It reminds me of Nicholas' original obsession with Beauty, only not as extreme, thankfully. I've talked with him, of course, as has Lavender with Iseult, and I'm confident that things won't get out of hand. Two such stubborn wills. I wonder if either of them will ever give up?

Rath, year ten, day 27

It's rather strange. I would have thought living in such close quarters with Driscoll would be mildly frustrating. Of all my cousins, he's the one I've always desired most, ever since he first introduced me to Amber. He never returned that interest, but that had no effect on my feelings. But, ever since he took advantage of Lavender, and made such a mess out of her life, I feel nothing for him at all. Well, there was a lot of anger, at first, but that eventually faded once it became obvious that Lavender had forgiven him. If I could forgive Shard for what happened between us, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that she could forgive Driscoll. I wasn't expecting my desire for him to fade completely, though. Is it because of what he did to Lavender? Or just the fact that he's hers, now? I think more the former than the latter. I still find Foster attractive, after all, even though I have no intention of acting on it.

Rath, year ten, day 32

So, all of Dara's Logrus ghosts weren't killed after all. Lucien thinks one of them is the strange woman who helped Mother through the Logrus barrier when she ran away. Why would she do that? Lucien isn't sure, but he thinks it's connected to the time Mother was a spy for Chaos during Patternfall. He doesn't know much more about it, other than that she was affiliated through House Borge. I wonder if that's why Oberon married her to Fenar? I guess I'm not too surprised to find this out. Driscoll had claimed that they were opposing Brand at the time, but I know he had Chaos ties of his own back then, not to mention what he was forced to do by the faction who had kidnapped Eris. And Sand, well, Sand lied about so many things, why would this be any different? I can't conceive why Mother would have ever allied herself with Brand, though. And if she was working for the Chaos faction that supported him, why did he destroy her Shadow? It doesn't make any sense. I wonder if I'll ever know the answers?

Lucien, of course, hadn't thought it necessary to tell Nicholas about the Logrus ghost of Dara's, although he admitted that he probably should have when I asked him. He wants me to deliver the information. Apparently, things are still kind of tense between him and Nicholas. And he did ask nicely. Once he stopped being miffed about my tickling him, that is. I still can't believe that actually worked. He thinks it has something to do with the blood fish he created in Rebma. I think maybe he's finally starting to relax a little. It was so good just to see him laughing and happy and enjoying life. It made me feel almost giddy. I'm starting to be glad we've had this time in Rath. It's turning out to be a much needed vacation.

Rath, year ten, day 38

Lucien removed the Pattern phobia from the children. I hope that Zane has been deposed, and the Logrus is no longer blocked, by the time they're old enough for it to matter, but I'd rather not take the chance. Nicholas is living proof of the risk in that. I wish there was something that could be done for him.

Rath, year ten, day 41

There was another placental separation today. I've been examining Beauty daily, so I caught this one before it got as bad as the last time, and Lucien was able to repair the damage again, but still, it makes me nervous. I find myself worrying about my own child. I know she's fine, for I check her every day as well, but it is hard not to worry, just the same. Even if I know it's irrational. Watching Beauty makes me realize how lucky I've been with this pregnancy, especially given everything that's happened to me during it.

Rath, year ten, day 46

They're dead. All of them. Slaughtered, along with everyone else in the Ways. Zane didn't take any chances, did he? Why didn't I go back for them? Why didn't I send them into Lavender's Shadow with the children? They'd be alive now if I had. Lucien tells me this isn't my fault, but I know it is. I know it. I brought them to Chaos. And I left them there to die. How could the fault be anyone's but mine? They never would have even left their home if it wasn't for me. It's just too much. Too much death, too much pain, too much of it because of me. I'd give almost anything to change that. I wish I could.

Rath, year ten, day 48

I hope Lavender doesn't stumble across that particular grove of trees for a while. I just had to lash out at something. I couldn't take it anymore. So many people dead, and I can't reach any of the people responsible. The Serpent is dead. Zane and Brand are impossible to get to. Even Vixen can't be killed, although she deserves it. It just got too much for me to stand, today. I had to be alone. And the further I ran, the angrier I felt, until I finally just stopped and screamed, for what felt like forever. I don't even remember causing most of the destruction I saw around me when I came to my senses. It scares me, a bit, that I could lose control like that. I guess it's better than keeping it inside me any longer, though. I must admit, it doesn't hurt quite as bad any more. I just feel so very tired.

Rath, year ten, day 56

It's hard watching Nicholas, seeing how he is when he's with Beauty, then how he is the rest of the time. I wish Ahab was still alive, just so I could smack him. Do you see what you have wrought with your noble sacrifice, Ahab? Your son is left with an enormous responsibility far sooner than he should have had to bear it. Your wife was so hurt and lost by your death that she probably allowed herself to be killed, leaving your children alone at far too young an age. I was about Nicholas' age when my father died. It was hard enough, without knowing that he essentially committed suicide. No wonder Nicholas hates you. Damn it, Ahab, you had a wife and children who loved you, friends who were willing to risk their lives for you, a kingdom that needed you. Why wasn't that enough?

Rath, year ten, day 67

I didn't want to know that. Kimdyl's death was bad enough, but there was a child who was lost as well. It isn't fair. Damn Brand. And Vixen, too. I hope Nicholas does take one of her hands as punishment. At least it would make it difficult for her to kill again. I wonder what drove her to become an assassin, anyway? I probably don't want to know. I don't want to feel sympathy for her. Any more than I want to feel sympathy for Brand. I'm sorry that Oberon used to beat him, the same way I felt sorry that Oberon killed Sand's mother. But he, like she, has gone too far. If he can't be helped, he has to be killed. Otherwise, how many more people will die?

I hadn't realized until today how similar Mother and Brand are, in some ways. I suppose it makes sense. As Lucien pointed out, she is of his making. Brand doesn't have multiple personalities, true, but the mood swings he seems capable of are very similar to it. Mother simply assigns a personality to each mood. What worries me is what will happen to her when my brother is born. I thought that when she began to show a bit, she would finally accept that she is pregnant. I underestimated her ability for denial. She thinks she's just fat. And the baby's kicks are only gas. All my attempts to convince her otherwise have met with no success. At least I've been able to check and confirm that the baby is healthy. What is she going to do when she goes into labor? Convince herself that it's just bad menstrual cramps? I'm afraid that when she actually sees the baby, she'll change personalities again, the way she always does when she's under stress. Lucien thinks maybe we can help her. Examine her mind and try to patch what's broken, essentially. I don't know if it can be done, but we have to try. For my brother's sake, if nothing else.

Rath, year ten, day 68

Gods, I'm exhausted. But it's over, and I think we succeeded. At least all of Mother's personalities have been fused into a whole again. It remains to be seen what Mother is like, now. She's still sleeping, and probably will be for a while. I find myself wondering what she'll be like, in the end. I've never known her when she was completely sane. Which one of her personalities was the closest to her true one? Damn Brand for what he did to her. Lucien thinks Brand was more heartless than he was at his worst, and from the images I saw, I wholeheartedly agree. To do such things to his own sister... The man is a sick, twisted animal, who deserves death many times over for what he's done to everyone. I don't care what Oberon may have done to him, Oberon is dead, and the rest of the family shouldn't have to pay because Brand still wants revenge.

Rath, year ten, day 69

Mother is awake, but saying very little. She seems content to sit and observe life, for the moment. I suspected it might take her a while to come to terms with her new state of mind. She seems better, though, and she's no longer denying her pregnancy, thank the gods. It's rather awesome to think that we, well mostly Lucien, could have fixed a problem that's been plaguing her for so long. And it makes me wonder... If such a thing could be fixed psychically, given a powerful enough mind, could such a thing have been caused by one as well? I always thought Mother must have had a genetic tendency towards insanity, and that I probably do as well. Paulette killed herself, after all. That would seem to confirm mental instability in her line. But if that were true, surely it would be present in Random, or one of his children, as well, and I've seen no sign of it in any of them. Could Brand have psychically caused Mother's personality to fragment? At one time, I wouldn't have thought it possible. Now, I'm not so sure.

Rath, year ten, day 72

Jalana is worried about how quiet Mother has become. I think I managed to convince her not to worry about it. The boys simply chalked the change up to another one of Mother's strange moods. At least she's talking a bit more, and I try to spend as much time with her as I can. I think being around the children helps, too. They have so much enthusiasm and energy. It's more than I can keep up with, right now.

Rath, year ten, day 80

When Lavender began that conversation in the garden, I never thought it would end up like this. I'm glad that it did, though, now that it's over with. Foster had to face Lucien before either of them could get beyond the past and go on with their lives. Lavender may have convinced herself that they could simply talk things out, but I had a feeling Foster would need to vent his anger more physically than that. Still, knowing that, and watching him tear into Lucien, were two different things entirely. I left them not only because they did not wish an audience, but because I did not think I could watch their fight for long and not interfere. It was difficult enough to wait as the hours passed, and not go out of my mind with worry. Lavender felt the same, I suspect. Never has there been a patch of garden more efficiently weeded. It's just as well that Foster stumbled in at the beginning of dinner, for I do not think I could have eaten anything until I knew Lucien was all right. Given the lack of response from him after my first inquiry with the ring, I could only assume he had lacked the energy to make it back to the keep, and had fallen asleep where Foster had left him, some three miles away. He hadn't moved by the end of the meal, though, and I couldn't leave him out there all night. In the end, I used talking bones to determine where he was, and Driscoll helped me to get him back to our quarters, since I was too far along to manage it myself. I knew he must be exhausted, judging by his lack of response when Driscoll lifted him, but I wasn't expecting the bruises and welts I found when I undressed him. He lacked the energy to heal himself any further, it seems. The amount of punishment he must have taken from Foster to exhaust him to that point... I have never felt prouder of him than I did at that moment. How could Foster not understand how much he regrets the things he did, if he was willing to take all that from Foster and not fight back? Maybe now he does. I hope so. I don't want to go through another day like this again.

Rath, year ten, day 81

Lucien seems to be doing much better now. I was able to heal the rest of his injuries, and that, combined with a lot of sleep and food, seems to have done the trick. He still seems a bit sore in one area, though. Apparently Foster focused his anger a bit. Fortunately, Lucien believes there's no lasting damage. And he and Foster seemed to be getting along better at dinner. They're by no means friends, yet, but at least that awful tension is finally gone.

Rath, year ten, day 99

Well, at least I'm not the only one who occasionally has bizarre dreams. Lavender's dream of Sequence making love to her has to take the cake. Freud would have a field day with that one. Given her attachment to the sword, I guess it's not really all that surprising. I have to admit, that would be a nasty dream to wake up from. It makes my dream in Rebma pale in comparison.

Rath, year ten, day 110

Beauty is convinced that the baby will be a girl. She won't even consider coming up with any names for a boy. I have to bite my tongue every time she says it isn't necessary. If she's so sure, then why won't she let me tell her the child's sex? Nicholas wanted to know immediately. She's a puzzling girl. So irrational sometimes.

Rath, year ten, day 117

Another placental crisis dealt with. I think Ana sensed somehow that something was wrong. She wouldn't stop kicking me for hours, afterward. Beauty liked the procedure as little as she did the previous times. I wish there was more we could do. We've all been trying to keep her company, by staying with her in shifts. I must admit, I enjoy those shifts. I'm happy for any excuse to get off my feet for a while, right now. Only a few more weeks.

Rath, year ten, day 120

Lavender has been getting tenser and tenser, and it's starting to get to me. I'm afraid Beauty will pick up on her attitude, although I don't think she has, yet. Lavender's been hiding it pretty well. Just not well enough for me not to notice. I understand why she's upset. Beauty's mother died in childbirth, and the difficulty of Beauty's pregnancy has to be bringing up unpleasant memories. She can't be blamed if her nerves are shot. My own nerves have been rather frayed, of late. I wish Ana was safely born, already. The last month always makes me cranky. Lucien's been awfully good about it, even when I wake him up in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, and remind him that this is all his fault.

Rath, year ten, day 122

Lucien was right. Ana is a tiny baby, just as he thought she would be. Thankfully, the labor was short, and not nearly as painful as Jalana and Morgan's birth. Jalana was so excited to be there. I think she was a little nervous, too. I'd warned her what it would be like, but seeing it happen was apparently not what she expected. Fortunately, Lucien was able to reassure her. Ana is so beautiful. She has no hair, though, even though her older siblings all did when they were born. Maybe it's because she isn't half-faerie, as they are. Her eyes are the same color as Hary's, though. There can be no doubt that she is a Pattern child. I couldn't help looking at Lavender when I saw that, and wondering what life would be like for Ana, and Hary, and Nimue, and Barton. Children of the Pattern. Lavender said they'd probably wind up ruling the world. Maybe she's right. I don't really care right now. All that matters is that Ana is finally safely here, and she's perfect.

Rath, year ten, day 129

That was, without question, the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my admittedly short life. To look into the eyes of my children and tell them that I hadn't given birth to two of them, knowing the pain that news would bring them, was almost more than I had the strength to do. Then to tell them the truth about their mother... I know it was the right thing to do. It would hurt them far worse to conjure up the romantic fantasies that children do, about the mother who gave them up, thinking that she was still alive somewhere, hoping that someday they'd meet her, only to find out later on that she had been dead all along. I couldn't do that to them. I couldn't put them through that kind of torment. That thought was all that kept me going as I told them how Sand had died, and saw the fear, and shock, and confusion in their faces. And the tears. Lucien just looked stunned when Shannon asked if that's why they are bad. They didn't understand that they aren't bad because their mother was. I hope I made them understand that. I hope I said the right things, and did the right things. It was such a fragile moment. All I could do was hold them as they cried, and show them how much I loved them. Gods, let that be enough.

Rath, year ten, day 133

I think the children are finally adjusting to the news about Shannon and Vincent's mother. They seem to be getting back to their old selves, and last night was the first night they didn't need to sleep in our bed. I think it's going to be all right. Lucien keeps saying it will, but I think now I can finally believe it. After all the years I've spent worrying about how they'd react, and when I should tell them, I'm just glad it's finally behind us.

Rath, year ten, day 137

I have to say, those were some of the longest minutes of my life. Everything seemed to be going fine, up until that point. The labor was long, but not unusually so, especially in a first pregnancy. I blocked most of the pain from Beauty, and gave her enough energy to push the baby out. I'm paranoid, though, and I kept monitoring her, just in case. Then I felt her tear inside. I began trying to repair the damage immediately, moments before the blood began gushing out. I don't know if those extra few seconds I gained helped at all, but hemorrhaging the way she was, they could very well have made the difference. As it was, I don't know if I could have saved her on my own. Maybe I could have healed the damage, but I don't know if I could have transfused her afterwards. I wasn't aware of anything, really, once the hemorrhaging began. All of my will was focused on keeping Beauty alive, because I knew I would not, could not, let her die. How could I ever look her mother in the eye again if I did? Then I felt Lucien's hands on my head, and the presence of his mind inside mine, and some of the desperation left me. Beauty's placental separations had given us a lot of practice working together like this, and I was never more glad for it than at that moment. We make a good team, even if his inclinations don't normally stray in this area like mine do.

Lavender is a wreck, and no wonder. Beauty nearly died the same way that her mother did. I'm not surprised. Beauty's physical makeup is such that she risks this happening again in any future pregnancy. I wouldn't advise any more children. Lavender wants me to use my spell on her to prevent this from happening. I think it's a good idea, but I won't do it without Beauty's consent, and I don't think now is the time to ask her. I don't think she even realizes how close she came to dying. She was unconscious for most of it.

The boy, at least, seems to be healthy, and he's got a good set of lungs on him. You have a fine grandson, Ahab. I wish you and Kimdyl could have lived long enough to see him.

Rath, year ten, day 142

It's been nearly a week, and they still haven't named the child, yet. It's making Lavender and I very nervous. It's bad for a child to go so long without a name. If he dies without a name, how will they ever be able to find his soul?

Rath, year ten, day 144

After much badgering, they've finally settled on a name: Corbin, in honor of the boy's great-grandfather. It is a good name. With Corwin so recently dead, he's sure to watch over his namesake. Given that Corbin is Nicholas' heir, and the fact that Brand seems to be trying to kill those who are close to Nicholas, the child will need all the help he can get.

Amber, year ten, day 158 (Sunday, July 16, 2994)

Morning

Ruepert seemed quite dismayed by the number of small children at breakfast. You'd think he'd have learned by now not to stay underfoot when they're around. Of course, if he keeps making remarks like that when people try to help him, it's a wonder he can still move around. Smell like lunch indeed. Not your lunch, Jenogen. I wonder if his crassness is just a side effect of when he's a rabbit, or if he's like that when he's human, too? He must hate Amber, trapping him as a rabbit the way it does. I wonder why he and Jackie are still here?

Our sparring group grows larger every day. Ronan joined us after breakfast. He seemed quite upset that I could beat him. I guess he shares more in common with Felix then just his style of dress. I'd have more sympathy for him if his indignation was not due simply to the fact that I'm a woman. Too bad I couldn't have fought with him before I left for the Rath. I wonder how he would have reacted to being beaten by a pregnant woman? Probably not well. He seems to have a good heart, at least. And he didn't take undo advantage of the opportunity I gave him to best me in hand fighting. It feels good to do that again. It was much too risky while I was carrying Ana.

Eris seems to be Mercury's new rider. I admit, I feel a twinge of jealousy at that. Well, much as I'd like to have a dragon-friend, it's not something that's ever likely to happen. At least Eris will treat him well. She still looks kind of guilty, and it took a moment for me to recall why. Spending long stretches in Shadow is kind of disorienting, I'm discovering. Lavender told me about what Eris did to Felix months ago, but for her, it was still only two days ago. I hope Felix can eventually forgive her for what she did.

I feel a bit of a kinship with Ronan. I was once where he is now, trying to comprehend that my whole world was a but an insignificant part of a universe that I hadn't known existed. It's a lot to take in. He really wants to find a purpose here, which makes sense. Strange things are easier to handle if you've got a job to keep you focused. I never did manage to find that, here, not until I had the children. I pointed him in Benedict's direction, since Ronan used to be the Warlord in his Shadow, but Benedict is still unavailable. Interrogating Vixen must be taking quite a while. I'd almost managed to forget about her. Almost. Now that we're back, though, it's all coming home again. Kimdyl's funeral is tomorrow. And the woman who killed her is being held in the dungeon. Nicholas will have to decide her fate, soon. I hope he doesn't let his anger override his better judgment, but I wouldn't blame him if he did.

Nicholas has summoned Lucien to his office. Judging by the amount of yelling going on, it must be about Nicholas' inability to walk the Pattern. Lucien has done nothing else I can think of recently that would warrant that much ire. The issue of Vixen's capture was resolved months ago. In a way, I'm relieved. I tried to broach the subject with Nicholas while we were in Rath, but he kept rebuffing me. He didn't want to discuss it. What prompted him to do so now? I'd feel better if he obviously wasn't so angry about it. I wish I had been allowed in there. At least then I'd know what was going on.

Ronan and Eric came by, but Lucien and Nicholas are still in there. As is Fiona. It's been awfully quiet since she went in there. Eric figured it would be a while, once he knew who was involved. I wonder what he wanted to see Nicholas for? Maybe Ronan wants to walk the Pattern. He sounded interested in doing so when I told him of it. I don't know why Eric didn't mention the Pattern when he told Ronan about Amber, Chaos, and Shadow.

Lunch has come and gone, and still no sign of Lucien. I've given up on waiting outside the office. I had to feed Ana, for one thing, and I wasn't going to do that in front of the guards. Besides, I can't do anything standing in front of the office. I can't tell if anything is wrong or not. Gods, I wish I knew what they were doing in there.

I decided talk to Bridget about her heritage. I wanted to see how she was doing, anyway, since she wasn't at breakfast or lunch, and anything that keeps me from wondering what's going on in Nicholas' office is a good thing. I still can't believe that she might be a spy. She seems so innocent. I took Ana to see her, and she was rather surprised that the baby was born, already. I had assumed Felix would have explained Shadow to her. Apparently he tried, but she didn't want to listen. Devil-talk, she called it. I told her a little bit about how time varies between Shadows, and I guess her curiosity overcame her fear, for she seemed quite interested, and even asked a few questions. It's a start, I guess. I told her that she's nobility, but I don't think she believes me. She doesn't think she has any nobility in her. I wish she had more confidence in herself. I managed to convince her to come with me to dinner, at least. She has to spend some time with the family, or else they will always be strangers to her.

Writing the letter may not have been wise, but I had to make my opinion known, and if I tried to talk to Nicholas directly about it, I'm sure he would have refused to discuss it. If he'll even speak to me at all, right now. But I think he'll read the letter. At least I hope he will. I'm sure he's already realized everything I told him, but I didn't want to take the chance that he hadn't, or that he would think Bart was the lone voice arguing to spare Vixen's life. Much as I wish it was otherwise, Vixen can't be killed. We need the link she provides between Brand and Kimdyl's death, if nothing else. And the strange connection she has to Oberon should be investigated. I wonder if Oberon had any siblings?

Evening

I contacted Drumm about retrieving my memories. Given that Alex and Teresa are after him, I'm surprised he was willing to come to Amber to speak to me. He seemed relieved to know of Lucien's offer of assistance in that matter. He also guessed that I have Loryn's soul, once I admitted that my soul was faerie in origin. He seemed quite surprised by the fact that I have a faerie soul at all, though, and said it would upset a number of theologians. I can't be the first human who's been born with a faerie soul, can I? It sure sounds that way. If it's true, I wonder why I was the first? Not a question that's likely to be answered when view my past life, I suspect. Drumm said he'd have to recommend someone to cast the spell, since Alex and Teresa's attentions make it to risky for him to cast such an involved spell himself. Well, it's not like I was going to do it immediately, anyway. Not until after we've tried to free Miranda, at least. Thankfully, Drumm thinks Auberon will be happy to know that Loryn's soul has been reborn. I wasn't sure if he would be offended by the fact that her soul was in a human. From the sound of it, Titania probably won't be too pleased by the news, though. I hope this isn't going to cause any problems.

Before he left, I also asked Drumm why he'd offered to bring me to Zane, instead of Lavender, when Lavender is the one he knew. He said it was because I was the better fighter. It didn't occur to me to wonder how he knew that until after he left. How much do the faeries know about me, anyway?

Lucien is finally back. He looks so tired. Apparently, he and Fiona were unsuccessful in removing Nicholas' Pattern phobia. He's convinced that Nicholas' ire with him will be short-lived, though, soon to be eclipsed again by the irritation caused by Bartholomew's continued efforts on Vixen's behalf. And Bartholomew's argument that Nicholas should marry Beauty. I have to side with Bartholomew on this one. It's not like I or the children were safe from attacks by the Hendrakes before Lucien married me. Beauty is a target simply by being the mother of Nicholas' child, whether he declares Corbin his heir or not. Well, we'll see what happens. I hope Lucien's right about Nicholas not continuing to be irritated with him. I don't want to stay in Amber if there's going to be this constant tension between them.

I told Lucien about my talk with Drumm. He confirmed that I am the first human to have a faerie soul, to his knowledge at least. It's a weird feeling. I wish I knew why it happened. Lucien wants Drumm to do the spell because it's rather delicate, and he's offered to play lookout, so I imagine Drumm will be agreeable. Lucien seems to finally be comfortable with my doing this. I had hoped that this would happen, once he had more time to get used to the idea. I do feel a little nervous about the whole thing, though. If it's such a delicate spell, what happens if something goes wrong?

Amber, year ten, day 159 (Monday, July 17, 2994)

Early morning

Another dream. With Benedict instead of Oberon. Why now? Five months have passed since the first one, so I was certain that it had simply been the result of hormones and residual guilt over what happened with Shard. But, if that is true, then why has it reoccurred? And why with Benedict? It doesn't make any sense. Lucien thinks it must be something from my subconscious, but if so, it must be something buried so deep that I am completely unaware of it. It makes me uneasy. I hate not knowing the reason for things. What if these dreams keep happening? Lucien doesn't seem to think it matters, and I'm grateful it doesn't bother him. It's not the sort of dream that most men would take so casually. I just hope this doesn't become a regular occurrence.

"Outrageous Fortune"
Ariana's Page | Ariana's Diaries
Other PC Diaries and Contributions

All text on this page is © 1996 by Kris Fazzari.

Last modified on December 28, 1996 by Kris Fazzari.