Amber, year ten, day ten (Thursday, July 13, 2994)

Morning

Riftvan is still sleeping. I probably should be doing the same, but I'm used to getting up early, and old habits die hard. Even when I'm still dead tired, I always wake up at the same time. I suppose I could have tried to go back to sleep, but I thought maybe Lavender would be sparring, now that she's returned. I guess she decided to sleep in, though. At least I made my appointment with Nicholas. And talked to Bill Roth. As I expected, getting access to Miranda's shop is pretty straightforward. I hope I find something useful, there.

I feel so awful right now. Mother's gone, and it's all my fault. Maybe if I'd handled her better last night, she wouldn't be gone. I should have watched her. I should have known she'd do this. But I screwed it all up, and now Riftvan has left to find her. He's only been back for two days, and twice already I've sent him away. Why does this keep happening? I don't want him to go. Once he returned from Chaos, I never wanted him to leave again. But yesterday, I needed time to deal with what Lavender told me. And now, I couldn't just leave Mother out there, not the way she was acting. The way she killed all of those people...so ruthless. Is this the personality she came up with to cope with Brand? How could I leave her running around like that, especially so near to Chaos? Her Pattern will give her away soon enough, and then... How did she get there, anyway? Riftvan is right, she must have had help. But who? It has to have been a Chaosite. My father? Could he still be alive? No, it isn't possible. She did say once that she had friends in Chaos. Maybe she contacted one of them. I wish there was some way to know who they were. I'd need to question the personality that contacted them, though, and I don't know which one it was. Gods, I hope Riftvan finds her before she gets hurt again. Like she did the last time. I sent Riftvan after her that time, too, and I didn't see him again for months. I pray that doesn't happen again. I should be the one who is going after Mother, not Riftvan. She's my responsibility. If only I wasn't so pregnant. There's always something that keeps me from being the one to go after her. I just want my mother to be whole. Is that so much to ask?

She cut the contact with sorcery. How did she do that? I didn't even know she knew sorcery. What else is there about her that I don't know? Now what am I going to do? At least while I was watching her, I knew she was still alive. I hate not being able to do anything to help her. At least my meeting with Nicholas will coming up soon. That will give me something else to focus on for a little while.

Eric wasn't at the meeting, much to my surprise. I guess he's still getting reacquainted with Ronan. It can't be easy, trying to get to know the adult child you didn't know you had. Look at the difficulty Felix had with Foster. I'm glad that women don't generally lose track of their children that way. Although Fiona managed to do so with Lavender. And Mother lost me.

Nicholas didn't like the possibility that Bridget may be a spy any more than I do. I like her. She seems so nice. Trapped in primitive dogma, of course, but nice. If she is a spy, what does that say about my ability to judge people. And what about poor Brendan? It's hard enough with his father being a vampire. Must there be difficulty with his mother as well? Well, it's in Nicholas' hands, now. All we can do is watch her, I guess. I wish I knew who had sped up her Shadow. That has to be the person behind all of this.

I updated Nicholas on Miranda's situation, although there's precious little to add. All I could say was that she never actually was where I thought she was. I feel so stupid. Every time I think I'm making progress, some new barrier springs up. All I want to do is free this woman. Why is that so difficult?

I felt almost relieved when Nicholas said he didn't want to discuss his Pattern problem. It's going to be an awkward conversation anyway, and I'm so worried about Mother that I'm just not feeling up to it. I guess Nicholas isn't, either. But it's going to have to be discussed sooner or later. The problem isn't going to go away.

Afternoon

I'm not sure why I thought I'd be able to learn where Miranda was taken. I'm such an idiot. Just because a Dara left via a Trump gate that one time, doesn't mean she'd use such a method to get rid of Miranda. I guess I was hoping that Dara came in, captured Miranda, and used another Trump gate to imprison her in a Shadow, somewhere. Hah. Dara stabbed her then left with the body through a Trump. Even if Miranda still is alive, there's no way I can trace her. Another dead end. Can't I do anything right?

Evening

Lavender was acting awfully strangely at dinner. She did have a point, though, oddly put though it was. I can't be skipping meals at this stage, especially not when my eating habits have been so poor or late. And I should be setting a better example for Beauty, if I'm to be her midwife. It's just hard to remember to eat, sometimes. With Mother and Riftvan still gone... I know I should eat, but I have no appetite. It all tastes like cardboard to me. Gods, where are they?

Still no sign of them. Now that the children are sleeping, I've run out of things to preoccupy me. I still can't get through to Mother, and I'm afraid to contact Riftvan. I don't want to distract him. I just wish there was something I could do to help. The whole thing is my fault.

Amber, year ten, day 11 (Friday, July 14, 2994)

Morning

I fell asleep alone in a chair, I awoke in bed with a man. I'm afraid I jumped a bit, until I realized that the bed was mine, and the man was Riftvan. I refuse to think of what I feared it might be. How did he move me to bed without my waking up? Maybe I woke up, and just don't remember it. I think Riftvan knew how worried I was, for he told me of Mother without my even asking. She gave him a bit of a hard time, apparently. She even stabbed him at one point, and he had to go into her mind to force her to change personalities. I'm afraid to do that to her. The one time I forced her mind to do anything, it ended so badly... Thank the gods he was able to get her back here.

This still leaves the question of how she was able to get that close to Chaos. Riftvan said the person who brought her through the barrier was a woman, but Mirelle didn't recognize her. The woman contacted her, not the other way around, as I had thought. Who could she be? How did she know Mother had left Amber? And why did she want to bring her close to Chaos? Riftvan has a few hunches, but he wants to wait until he has more information. He's obviously been busy. Not only did he learn about Miranda's ability to make Takaran weapons, he knows where she was taken to. I guess all my efforts yesterday were pretty much pointless. Although they did keep me from thinking about Mother. At least Miranda's ability to make Takaran weapons means that Riftvan is now interested in finding her himself, rather than just humoring me. I told him I knew of a more Machiavellian reason for finding her.

I'm torn about what to do next. I don't like the idea of Miranda sitting out there any longer than necessary, but I can't ask Riftvan to do any more, not just yet. I've asked enough of him, lately. It's not fair to ask him to do more. And I doubt he'll let me go without him. I must admit, I'm not all that eager to go, anyway. Not today. I just want some time to be a family again. There never seems to be much in the way of quiet time in Amber, at least not lately. I try to tell myself that Miranda has been gone for so long, that one more day won't matter. At least I hope it won't. I want today to just be for Riftvan, and me, and the children. And Mother. Maybe a picnic at the beach for lunch. I want to do something special for Riftvan, though, to give him a better welcome back than I have. To let him know how much I missed him. I think I have the perfect idea. I'll need to speak with Vialle, though.

Riftvan wants me to call him Lucien. I guess Benedict and Fiona were the only ones he didn't want to learn his name, and now that they have... How did they learn his name, anyway? It must have been from Ahab. His letter was addressed to Duke Lucien Vetch, so he obviously knew it. I hope Riftvan doesn't think I'm the one who told him. Riftvan... I still call him that name without thinking. It will take me a while to get used to the other, I suspect. To learn to think of him by that name, when I spent so much of the past five years hiding that name away, never thinking of it in connection with him, except on a few, rare moments, for fear that someone might see it in my mind, and thus cause me to betray his secret. To call him it openly, now...the name will lose some of its magic. Lucien was the name of the man I knew, while Riftvan was the face he showed everyone else. Overly romanticized, to be sure, but that's how it feels. I know his using his real name again is a good thing, though. He originally changed his name because he could not bear to be reminded of Loryn, and his birth name belonged to that part of his life. If he feels comfortable sharing that name, then he is finally able to accept that she is gone. But I will miss my secret name for him, all the same.

Foster finally interrupted someone having sex, but it wasn't me, it was Felix. I guess Lavender is rubbing off on him. He didn't look too happy about the affair. Riftvan certainly got a wistful look on his face, though. Remembering all the times that we've been interrupted, apparently. That's something that hasn't happened in a while. Of course, one has to be having sex to be interrupted, and, well, we were apart for quite a while from his perspective. I intend to do my best to correct that.

If Felix was busy, then Tamaryn must be back. I'll have to find her when she's no longer occupied. I'm glad that she and Felix are getting along so well. I wonder how she'll take the news of Riftvan's retirement? It would be even better if Riftvan tells her of it himself. There's no legal reason stopping him from seeing her any longer, now that he's no longer with Chaos. Only his own reasons. Has he forgiven her yet? I can only ask and see.

I've updated Lavender on the whole Miranda situation. It probably all seems rather remote to her, given the time that she has passed since we first formed our little cabal. I also told her about Riftvan's father. That he was the one who taught Riftvan. I'm not sure Riftvan would be happy about my sharing this, but I felt Lavender and Foster should know. Riftvan is not, at heart, a sadistic man, but it is hard to escape the teachings of our youth. Foster should know that better than anyone, judging by what he did to Driscoll. Maybe it will help him understand why Riftvan did what he did. I can only hope.

I sent Riftvan ahead with the children before speaking with Benedict. I'm not sure if I made him feel better or worse. I wasn't sure if I should mention Ariadne at all, but I'm glad I did. With all of the fuss over Ahab's death, it seems like the others who died with him have been forgotten. Even their funerals were smaller, somehow, almost an afterthought. I know Benedict didn't even know Ariadne existed until ten years ago, but to lose a child, even a child you barely knew, is a terrible thing. I remember what it felt like when I thought I'd lost Morgan. I just thought it might help him to know that someone understood. That someone remembered who else had died. And I wanted to thank him for his help, of course. I'm not sure people do that very often in Amber, judging by the surprised look on his face. I think he was relieved to know that I have no intention of taking Drumm up on his offer, anymore. Until Riftvan returned, I didn't quite realize that most of the reason why I wanted to kill Zane so badly was to get Riftvan back. Now that he is, the only motive left is revenge, and its pull is no longer as strong. Zane didn't kill Ahab, after all. The Serpent did that, and it is dead as well. I'm tired of death, right now. Just for a little while, I'd like to focus on life, instead. I'm sorry, Ahab. I know you wanted Zane dead, but I can't do this anymore. I need some time. Maybe that's why Lavender keeps spending so much time in fast Shadows. To give herself time.

Vialle recommended a couple of good restaurants, and some lovely spots in Rebma. Riftvan...no, Lucien will need to shift me in order for me to be able to go to any of them, but somehow I don't think he'll mind. Gods, I'm looking forward to this.

My, Felix and Tamaryn certainly are busy. Given that Foster found them together during breakfast, I didn't think Felix would head straight back to her after we sparred. I was wrong, apparently. He must have really missed her. I hope I cut the connection before Tamaryn noticed. I think taking bones have an advantage over Trump that way. At least I didn't interrupt them, the way Foster did. Although, from the look of the backrub Tamaryn was receiving, I suspect I might have caught them doing something a bit more intimate had I tried to reach her not too much later on. Well, it's not as though I had anything urgent to discuss. I do want to tell her of Rif...Lucien's retirement, but that can wait until she and Felix are done with each other.

Riftvan brought up a point I really hadn't considered. He is worried that if I regain my memories of Loryn, I will lose myself. I'd like to think that won't happen, but I guess it depends on how the process works. R...Lucien doesn't really know much about that. I imagine Drumm would, though. I'll have to remember to ask, when next I see him. Lucien's also afraid that once I see how he was then, I will not love him now, because he has changed so. I wish I could convince him otherwise. Maybe if he has more time to get used to the idea. He's had two years already, but he was alone then. I'm hoping that after we've spent some time together as a family, he will feel reassured. I think it's best I wait until after Ana is born, anyway. Just in case something does go wrong, at least she won't be endangered. I have subjected her to enough risk as it is.

There are some moments which remain with you forever. I think the sight of Lucien and Tamaryn together will be one of them. To see them finally forgive each other, after being estranged for so long... I am not ashamed to say it had me crying, just a bit. Tamaryn seems to feel as happy as I do, right now. Anyone seeing the two of us together is probably going to feel nauseous. I don't care. The way things have been recently, it probably won't last, but right now, it feels as though all is right with the world.

"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on November 7, 1996 by Kris Fazzari.