A practitioner in Chicago, Illinois

In my home, there was once posted a set of cards, with pictures of Buddha Sakyamuni and many stories about his cultivation practice. During a winter night in early 1992, I had such a dream. I was on my knees on the floor, and it seemed like there was flood behind me. Rain was pouring down, lightning was striking and followed by thunders. While feeling very stressful and confused, I raised up my head. Suddenly I saw Buddha Sakyamuni walking out of the cards and then disappeared immediately. Seized by the tremendous fear and perplexity, I couldn't hold my composure even in the dream. I cried out sadly "How could it be?! How could it be?!" Because the situation appeared so real in my dream, I couldn't forget the fear and grief it brought along, and I couldn't feel relieved for quite a long time. I talked to several monks about my dream. Some said: "What you saw is Buddha. It's a good thing." But when I asked: "How come he disappeared?", nobody could answer me.

In August 1997, I encountered Falun Dafa. Master Li points out directly: "Now the world is one with no Gods or Buddhas taking care of people." He also makes it clear that he is the only one in the world saving people. The book "Zhuan Falun" was like a mirror that made me aware of my confusions about religion. It was also like a bomb that exploded and shattered my worship for religion and the load that religion had placed on my mind. This was another painful experience for me.

Let me give you an example of religious teachings. I knew that there is a reason behind burning incense. However, Master Li points out that burning incense is only a form of enshrine and worship. Substance from our dimension may be transformed and upgraded and then enter other dimensions. Substance from other dimensions all come from the transformation of surface particles, and Earth is composed of surface particles. Just a few words from Master answered a long-standing myth. Religion only grabs some trivial phenomena discovered and experienced in the human world and works from there. This is just one minor topic mentioned by Master. In the book "Zhuan Falun", one can find heavenly secrets and truth everywhere. I think I may have a deeper understanding than many other people over Master's statement that Buddhism is only a small fraction of the Buddha Fa. However many year's worship had already been developed into a deep attachment to affection. Coming out of it was to struggle with affection and it was even self-denial.

At that time, I was very eager to find a Falun Gong practitioner who had been a monk or a lay Buddhist to share my feelings. I don't want to talk to Falun Gong practitioners with no experience in Buddhism. They could only say things like "Sakyamuni has left our world" and that "Buddhism is only a small fraction of Buddha Fa". I didn't feel very well upon hearing these. However, Falun Dafa speaks the truth. Every

sentence from Master Li, and every single word strikes me as though it comes directly from a celestial being. Not being able to find a fellow practitioner who was a former Buddhist, I decided that I must resolve the problems by myself in order to step on the path of cultivation practice.

The first problem is the 108 Tibet style great worship that I must finish every day. It would not be long before I could reach the number 100,000. While I told myself: stop at the number 100,000, otherwise it'll be such a pity. At the same time, while I was performing the worship, I said to myself: "What's the meaning of your being so attached to the number 100,000? Are you worshipping the real Buddha? You know clearly that he is gone. Are you repenting by just kneeling down? Are you repenting while you are not working on your Xinxing (heart quality)? Do you believe that 100,000 is the enshrine and worship of Buddha and Bodhisattva? Buddha and Bodhisattva will be happy only when you are improving your Xinxing (heart quality). Do you think that reaching 100,000 may bring yourself some satisfactory feelings? Your desire to show off is exactly what is to be discarded in cultivation practice! Do you feel reaching 100,000 is a great accomplishment? To practice cultivation is to be responsible to yourself. Only then can you truly justify yourself." I struggled like this while doing the great worship. It was such a painful struggle that it became impossible for me to finish the great worship. Therefore, I painfully cleaned away several thousand volumes of Buddhist scriptures, as well as the statues of Buddha and the cards that I had collected earnestly from around the world, even from Tibet and Nepal. Some of them even carry certain antique value. I once worried about some mantras that I had recited for tens of thousands of times before. I was afraid that they might appear involuntarily in my dreams. But surprisingly I forgot them completely in a short time. The only time I was tested in a dream was when I walked into a Dharma-conference held by a monk by mistake. He demonstrated some magical powers, and invited a Bodhisattva to his conference, and cured some very sick people on the spot. The monk dropped me a glance at that time. I looked back and answered calmly: "Magical power does not eliminate karma." The whole scene then disappeared. After I woke up, I knew that I had passed the test on "no second cultivation way".

What followed was then the trial of karma. Once somebody asked Master Li whether the hardships encountered before practicing Falun Gong count for cultivation. Master Li answered: "They don't count." It was only when the karma trial came to me after I started my cultivation that I really understood Master's answer. To practice cultivation is not only to eliminate karma, but also to upgrade our Xinxing (heart quality) and transform the karma. This way we can return to our true selves. This is why Master says: "The path of your life after starting cultivation is arranged by the Master." My karma appeared to be strong at the very beginning. Because my Xinxing (heart quality) was very low, I was even reluctant to pass the trial. I had been public-spirited and meddlesome ever since I was a child. As for friends, I was just like what Confucius described one of his disciples: "Isn't it a great pleasure to share with friends horse-drawn carriages and fur coats?" After coming to the states, I was able to build a successful career from the scratch very smoothly. Later on, I was converted to Buddhism. Therefore, not only was I enthusiastic about donation, but also I could take it lightly when some of my investments failed. So I felt that I could take fame and wealth very lightly. However, my first karma was that I was blackmailed by a person whom I had wholeheartedly helped but who threatened me in return. Moreover, the figure that the person demanded was not a small one. Master has said that it wouldn't count if it doesn't touch one's mind. I was indeed hurt badly this time, and I couldn't find mental balance at all. But my other side was also sober, "What you owed during previous lives as well as this life must be paid back. Think about it. If I can use the money earned during this life to pay back all my karma, it would be too good a deal." Because my Xinxing (heart quality) was not high enough, this tribulation lasted for a long time, and I simply couldn't put down my heart. It took me eight months to barely overcome this tribulation. I remembered a Buddhist friend once asked me, "What's the real difference between your Xinxing (heart quality) now after practicing Falun Gong and that when you were in Buddhism before?" I answered him: "With my current cultivation level, I can only tell you this: I was more than willing to make donation before, but if someone robbed me right in front of my eyes, I would get even with him for sure. Now I am not as enthusiastic about donation as before, but if being robbed in the same way I would accept it sincerely and become delighted secretly at the same time."

After passing this test, I thought I could take fame and wealth lightly. However, the second tribulation followed was again related to money, and it was also an embarrassing one. I remembered that in "Zhuan Falun Explanation", Master states that a practitioner is not allowed to trade stocks. Someone raised a related question during the experience sharing conference held in New York in March 1998. Master clearly pointed out: "That is gambling." I even secretly laughed at the person who raised the question: What a trivial question! How could one even raise such a question? I had decided not to touch stocks as early as 10 years ago. It's senseless to bound one's life with the up's and down's of the stock market. But not to forget, I am a professional accountant. Because I am also in charge of the investment plan of a bank, I know clearly the trend in the stock market. I thought it was so good that my mind had not be influenced by it. In January this year, my eldest daughter told me that the $2000 pension (IRA) she had invested had become $6000 because what she bought was America online (AOL). Almost all my customers who were tax payers also traded stocks and made some money last year. Therefore, I often listened to them talking about their experiences in stock buy-in's and sell-out's. I sometimes also tell them my daughter's buying and selling examples during our conversations, thinking it is part of my job anyway. In March, my daughter told me that her stocks were ready to split again, so it had doubled from $6000 to $12,000, folded a total of six times in one year. This poked deep into my heart again. I thought: I worked so hard to earn money. If last year I invested $100,000, now it would be $600,000. If the stock market went on this way, everybody would make a fortune, leaving only me a poor wretch. No way, I must try the stocks. Of course, my other side warned me: Mao Yu, you are crazy! The stock market is not under your control. Not to say you are a cultivator! Even if you made money, it would be traded with your De (virtue). The amount of time for cultivation is critical! You were already late in encountering Dafa. If you don't strive forward vigorously, then what's the difference between you and those people who brush pass Dafa. Although my main consciousness is sober, the strong karma or evil spirit also caught hold of me and wouldn't let me go. He spoke in a low voice: "You are not trading stocks. You are investing. It's okay to do this." I understood clearly this was an excuse. To my surprise, with this sober mind, I still jumped into the stock market. What followed was the terrible attachment to the stock prices. What's more frightening was that I watched myself fall into an abyss but couldn't drag myself out of it. More surprisingly, Master's law body did not leave me. I felt that there was something over my head. The pressure it caused had been there for quite a long time and was getting stronger and stronger. And it seemed moving too. I said to my husband: "Couldn't it be that I have reached the state of three flowers over the head?" My husband burst into laughter: "Yeah, one flower is America Online, one is Amazon, and the other is Yahoo. Your stocks bloomed."

While fighting with myself everyday, I still continued to read "Zhuan Falun". One night when I read the section "Whoever practices cultivation will attain Gong", I suddenly came to a very simple truth. Those cultivators of the past cut off their desires for fame and interests with strong will, and went to remote mountains to practice sitting meditation because they knew that they couldn't develop stronger will in human society. In the end, they merely provide their para-consciousness with a body environment. The para-consciousness still needs to endure all the hardships and elevate his Xinxing (heart quality) in human society in order to complete cultivation. The Fa of the past was small and couldn't protect the main consciousness in his cultivation at all. With too much karma, main consciousness' body would die. How could he still practice cultivation then? While our Master's Fa is great, we can directly practice cultivation in human society. In addition, Master has also taught us all the heavenly secrets and principles for the cultivation. In other words, our main consciousness nowadays have all the necessary conditions for the uccess of cultivation that were possessed only by para-consciousness in the past. I had developed predestined affinities with Dafa, and had also attained the Dafa. Why couldn't I overcome such a petty tribulation? Master is waiting us to complete our cultivation one after another. All of a sudden, I became sober-minded and the ties in my heart were opened as well. I needed not fight with karma at all. This was merely a trivial trap. I felt so happy as though I had found a secret, as though I were stepping on the way home. Fame, gains, and affections were all under my feet, and so far away from me. I have finally become a genuine practitioner and find the balance. Master has mentioned repeatedly in the book that he has already removed the cause of our illnesses except for that bit of black Qi for us to endure, to elevate our Xinxing and to be enlightened. Master says that he can save people with unforgivable guilt. That is to say, he has endured all the karma or the causes of tribulations for us. That little bit black Qi in the out-most provides us an opportunity to become enlightened, and to achieve genuine improvement. Think about it. How could I have struggled with some stocks for such a long time? It was simply too ridiculous while it was not that ridiculous, because Master used this tribulation of mine to dig out my deeply hidden attachment so that I could make a big stride forward on my way of cultivation. I was even more grateful that on that day when I was reading again and again the section "Whoever practice cultivation will attain Gong". The more I read it, the more I could understand it. All of a sudden, I felt as though I had stepped into the book, as though around my body were all characters in "Zhuan Falun". It seemed like I was reading the book while the book was reading me as well. I felt as though I had become a book. From that day on, reading the book is no longer a forced homework for me. I became eager to read the book. Moreover when I read the book, although every word is not strange but every word strikes me as new. It is really a heavenly book!

After passing this trial, I became more open-minded. Everything is a good thing. I am in a good mood everyday. Although the business is very complicated, my heart is not in it. I can easily handle everything. As of stocks, I can hardly think of it!

I also had another strong attachment. After studying Dafa, I feel a deep guilt. When I was in religion before, I was too committed but ignorant. I had learned many petty capabilities, and also often gave explanations to some phenomena in the spiritual world in an opinionated way. I didn't know that they were just manifestations of earthly Buddhas or earthly Taos until I learned Dafa. I had occasionally written some personal experiences to be published in some religious journals. In January 1997, my father died. He died on the day predicted by himself. When he was cremated upon death, there was a sarira left. Moreover, within the first seven days after the funeral, my mother saw my father staying together with those Buddhas and Bodhisattva created by human worshipping and they even talked to my mother. I wrote in a book on all these odd things to give publicity to that so-and-so master. This book is in wide circulation all over the South-eastern Asia. It has an English version too, and is on the Internet. Even now, some people still write to me. I truly think I am doing great harm to people. But I cannot make a statement on the newspaper, neither am I a very important person. Whenever it occurred to me that it was under my guidance that my father went into the hands of earthly Buddhas, I simply cannot forgive myself. Moreover, many more ignorant people might take the wrong way after reading this book, how can I be forgiven by them? Whenever I think of it, I am in tears with great repent. I am more sinful than those unforgivable people. They merely kill people but I might have damaged people's real lives. How could I clear my guilt by just repenting? In May I went to Canada conference. When Master Li answered the question about how one completes his cultivation when his children are still very young, Master Li said, "Do you know that when you complete your cultivation, I will help you solve and straighten out all the gratitude or resentment of yours. They might become living beings in your paradise, they might be ...." I was moved upon hearing this. I had known that the Fa is immense, but it is really unimaginably immense. I know that I need to return to my true self, and to return home. But what Master is doing is not only to rectify the universe and bring us home, but he will also recover countless paradises. On the surface it looks like that only one or two hundred million people are attaining the Dafa, but those who are related to these one or two hundred million people are so many that they cannot be held by Earth. Master is trying his best to save every sentient being. I also thought of a scene in my dream. I saw a shooting star. All of a sudden, it turned to me and dropped down. It became brighter and brighter. When it approached me, I had to open my hands to catch it. To my surprise, it was not a big stone or a diamond. It became a weightless clear sphere. I gave it to a friend besides me, but it became flat immediately. I took it back, and it became a sphere again. I couldn't comprehend this dream. I could only remember that in a book it has mentioned that Sakyamuni became enlightened after he saw a bright star during his meditation. But I couldn't be enlightened to anything at all. That day as Master was lecturing on the stage, I thought of that dream once again. I remembered that "Zhuan Falun" writes about Xuanguan Shewei , isn't it a sphere? Isn't it a paradise of oneself? I was unfair to these many people. I have no way to make up the guilt. But I understood Master's sincere words and earnest wishes. Master has emphasized again and again, "Put down all the attachment, and leave all the mistakes behind you. Strive forward vigorously to achieve completion." Isn't it right that the more people on Earth achieve completion, the more living beings will be saved? How could we be so lost? How could we be so stupid? How can we still hold on to that attachment of sentimentality? The affinities have been developed, and the Fa has been attained. Reading books more, strive forward vigorously, and achieve completion as soon as possible! Master has also given me the sphere. He is waiting me to improve my Xinxing (heart quality), to substantiate it, and to substantiate the paradise of myself.

I should put down my feelings of guilt and my past. Otherwise, I might mess up the arrangements of Master. I would regret deeply forever. I realized that cultivation is to be responsible to oneself, and to make oneself complete the cultivation. And to complete one's own cultivation is to be responsible to many other related living beings. Let us encourage each other.

Thank you all!