From: Franz Schpunktz To: Subject: Osmo-Guard Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2001 19:01:37 -0000 Hello to all at Bonsai Kitten, My name is Dr. Franz Schpunktz of the Geneve instutute of Feline morphological enhancement (FME), and may I take this opportunity to thank you for broadening the exposure of feline bonsai practises to the general public. Many in our circle feel the publics' misunderstanding of our business practices have lead to bitter back-lash against us from various pro-cat groups. I only wish more organisations such as ours could continue the renaissance of enlightenment into this beautiful and ancient art-form. We, your friends at FME Geneve have explored bonsai techniques to new, and stunning heights. Let me explain how we see 'bonsai kitten' in the future, and explain the new advances in Swiss feline bonsai technologies. Various enhancements in Swiss glass production/cutting techniques have recently undergone stunning advances (namely a multi-layer silica matrix) which can now produce shapes beyond those thought possible. Projects we are currently involved in are more cutting-edge than many other companies, mostly thanks to our generous sponsors. New shapes include those of constant rotation width, for example the 'applet' - a theoretical shape that can drill square holes. Other shapes to look forward to include the Rueleaux triangle, one of which have recently been produced, although only tested on one subject, various difficulties saw an unfortunate and unforceen cessation of life-force. We are also investigating the possibility of producing a poiuyt, or as otherwise known, the impossible trident. The Fraser spiral and even a necker cube are a definite possibility in the near future. As in most aspects of modern life, technology has now proceeded beyond technological constraints so we feel we must let our fellow colleagues, and of course the new and ever increasing force of enthusiastic 'home bonsai practitioners', know of these exciting new procedures. The most significant of these is the 'Osmo-Guard', a small mesh strip that can be affixed to an opening in the carrier vessel, and after a small amount of morphological enhancement carried out by our team of specialist, and highly experienced veterinary surgons for a very reasonable and competetive price. The necessary permits will of course need to be applied for in both the country in which the procedure is undertaken, and the country of origin. The procedure is as follows. The removal of the bladder and part of the mid to lower digestive system is necessary. To counteract the subsequent biological difficulties, the subject must be fed solely on our specialised, nutritious liquid dietary regime. The 'osmo-guard' enhances the natural process of osmosis. It gently diffuses the slow but steady flow of waste water into the surrounding atmosphere in a safe and odourless way. Minerals and other non-diffusable materials are trapped in the mesh strip and removed weekly to be replaced with a frech 'osmo-guard'. This removes the need for the difficult and messy extraction/removal of solid waste via tubes, or other techniques. Once the subject is then at the required bonsai shape, it can then be fed on solids as a normal cat with minimal difficulties. As for the matter of liquid waste, a longer-lasting version of the 'Osmo-Guard' (which is in its final stages of development) can then be fitted. Your treasured pet will be assured a safe and prosperous future for many years to come. One can only guess at what the fore-fathers of 'Bonsai Kitten' would say if they could be here today. They would be proud. Best wishes and again, many thanks from FME Geneva. Dr. Schpunktz