From Primate to Man: How to Train Your Ape of a Boyfriend
By Ashley Gork
March 15, 2010
Believe it or not, 98.77% of our DNA base pairs are the same as those belonging to Chimpanzees. We share most of the same blood types, have the same placements of internal organs and bones, and catch many of the same diseases as our primate counterparts. Given this information, it then should make perfect sense why some humans seem to fall under that ''missing link'' category. Take certain men, for example. They are hairy, scratchy, grunting animals that seem virtually impossible to live with (Put the seat down!). But perhaps if we look at them more as apes, and less as humans, we might be able to get through to them. With a little reinforcement and a lot of attention, we can strive to reform these primates into clean-shaven, freestanding men. Here are a few suggestions for training your ape, uh, I mean boyfriend.
1) Monkeys Response Well to Encouragement and Reinforcement
Monkeys, like men, never know what you want them to do, unless you spell it out for them. Both need a lot of positive reinforcement to behave like good animals. So if your anniversary is coming up, dont wait to see if he remembers it, remind him ahead of time! Drop it in casual conversation, but make sure that your monkey is listening. Then, when he does remember that March 7th is the big day, reward him with lots of praise and maybe even a treat for being such a good monkey.
2) Monkeys are Naturally Suspicious
Sometimes it is hard to believe that your monkey is actually as crazy possessive as you are. However, like men, monkeys are also a bit insecure and suspicious of your actions. So if you tell him that you are only going out with the girls and you will be back by 11pm, stick to your word. Monkeys need to be able to trust their master as well as the people she is with. Also, when you do come home, make sure you give him the attention he deserves. Both animals are social creatures that need lots of love and care.
3) Let Your Monkey Out of Its Cage
A monkey that stays in his cage all day is naturally going to be depressed. You cannot be the only source of well being in your monkey's life and he can't be yours. It is necessary that you both have social lives apart from one another. So if he wants to go out into the jungle with his other hairy friends, let him. Spending some time away from your monkey will only help you to bond deeper when he return.
4) Stay Calm if Your Monkey Bites You
Monkeys are known to be a bit vicious at times. It is important not to loose your head when this happens. The best way to respond is to put your monkey back into its cage and leave it alone. Arguments do not need to be solved right away. If you have some time to yourself to think about what you really want to say to your monkey, you will not regret the barbaric words that could come from your mouth later.
5) Prioritize your Commands
Let's face it, as intelligent as some monkeys are, they aren't all going to learn everything you want them to do. Even the smartest monkey can't remember to keep the seat down, call you when he gets home, talk nicely about your mother, and bring tulips, not roses, on your date. As a result, you need to spend some time and think about what is most important to you. Most monkeys are willing to work with you if you teach them that something is really critical to your happiness. None, however, will do it all.
Although no monkey will change over night, with these few suggestions you might be able to train him slowly. Remember that all animals need lots of love and attention. After all, you are their master. Who better to love them than you?
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